


How Did We Get Here

by DLSocMed



Category: Looking (TV)
Genre: Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Drama & Romance, Gay, Gay Sex, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 03:35:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 94,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4650732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DLSocMed/pseuds/DLSocMed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HBO Looking has created characters that are complicated, messy and intriguing and this is my interpretation of the inner life of Kevin Matheson.</p><p>A familiarity with the show would definitely help!</p><p>This story ends where season 2 ends, but I wrote a script called 'Looking For Completion' which is my interpretation of how Patrick and Kevin can find their HEA...together!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Journey to the River

He switched his phone off, staring at the screen. He wasn't really going to do it. He would call him back and tell him it was ridiculous. There was no way he was going to drive up to the Russian River in the middle of the night. What the fuck was Patrick thinking? Stupid wanker. High on some shit that Agustin gave him.

Kevin looked back into the bedroom, at the man sleeping peacefully in their bed. Jon. Dependable, reliable, mature Jon, sleeping quietly, so trusting, who loved him, who uprooted his life for him, who for a long time had been everything Kevin had thought he wanted. And still was...mostly. He should get back into bed with Jon. Put an end to this stupid...thing.

'How the fuck did I get here?' Kevin closed his eyes for a brief moment. It wasn't too late to make the right decision. Why the fuck did it feel so hard? It could just end tonight. No one would get hurt, Jon wouldn't ever even need to know...

'Fuck'. Just one more night. This would be it, he promised himself. He'd already told Patrick he'd go. After this, this one last adventure, he would break it off. Neither of them were in too deep yet. This was just sex, the thrill of an affair. It didn't mean anything. But the pull...it was just...all he needed was just one last fuck.

Kevin dressed quickly and quietly, checking his pockets for condoms and lube, snagging the keys to Jon's car from the kitchen table. He stopped suddenly as he reached the door. This was...different. His boyfriend lay sleeping in their bed and he was leaving to go fuck another man. This wasn't being carried away by the heat of the moment, or a simple, uncomplicated opportunistic encounter. This was a deliberate betrayal, a line he was crossing that he'd always sworn to avoid before.

Just one of many 'rules' that had been thrown out since he's met Patrick.

He opened the door and slipped out. No turning back. He knew where he should be but he couldn't stop wanting to be somewhere else, and now there was nothing but urgency. How quickly could he get up there? How soon would he see Patrick? God, he really wanted to see Patrick.

'Fucking idiot' Kevin swore to himself. See Patrick? Who the hell was he kidding. He didn't want to see Patrick. He wanted to fuck him. He wanted to kiss him, to stroke him, grip his hair, suck his cock, feel Patrick's hands all over his body, feel Patrick petting him, Patrick clutching him close, Patrick panting and gasping in his ear as he came so hard, his skin blushing, that look of surprise as if he could hardly believe how good sex could be. He wanted all of that. He wanted to be so deep inside of him that he could feel his fucking heart beating. He needed that feeling. Just one more time...and then, it could end, and they'd go back to...being friends. Colleagues. Just like they were at the beginning.

'Oh Christ...what am I doing?' One last chance to stop this, Kevin told himself as he sat in the car, the key in his hand. 'It's not too late'.

But it was. When the fuck did it become too late? That first time on the office floor? The first half-kiss at the wedding? Before then, on those weekends they spent working together or all the way back when Patrick flirted with him on that stupid boat? When should he have stopped....whatever this was? Because now it was...everything. All consuming. There was no point in lying to himself as he was to everyone else around him. It was going to hurt like a bitch to end this, which he would have to do soon. But not tonight. Tonight he was going to be with Patrick and they were going to fuck and it was going to be...magnificent. He was hard just at the thought of it. At the thought of Patrick and his yearning eyes, and his soft hair, and his smooth skin and his sweet beautiful mouth, with it's wicked clever tongue and his sharp biting teeth.

Jon was minutes away upstairs in bed. All he had to do was go back inside. But Patrick...Patrick was waiting for him, hungry for him, a hundred miles away. Kevin started the car and pulled out of the garage. He would deal with this all tomorrow. It couldn't be too late to put everything right. He would fix it. Tomorrow.

_Three months earlier...._

If he hadn't met Patrick on the boat that night, would it have made a difference? If they'd just met the following day, as colleagues in the office...would he have ever seen Patrick as anything other than an employee? A nice, pretty, boy. A little goofy, earnest, hard working. Harmless.

Would he have been as intrigued if he hadn't seen the beautiful young man holding court amongst his friends, proudly out, teasing them about their subconsciously homoerotic designs. And then Kevin drew his attention and those eyes caught his and he got his full focus...from that moment on he could feel Patrick watching him, stalking him. Was it knowing how obviously the boy wanted him that set them on this path?

And the torpedo room. What made him leave the party in mid swing to go and play the game, by himself. Was he really trying to escape Patrick's relentless stare, or did he know that Patrick would follow him, that they'd end up alone together.

Still, he let the boy know in no uncertain terms that he was barking up the wrong tree. He slapped him down hard, twice. The first time Patrick recovered heroically.

'Well, I have a boyfriend' Kevin had told him plainly, when it was obvious he was flirting, very very badly.

'I was just trying to be funny anyway' he'd said, and suddenly the clumsily flirting boy was gone and he was just a nice friendly kid, playing video games with a fellow-nerd.

The second time, though...that look of dismay. Kevin knew it was too harsh. He shouldn't have done it that way, but...the urge to fully put the boy in his place, to make Patrick want to run away humiliated...was suddenly very strong.

'As in you could my new boss?' Patrick had asked, obviously horrified.

And Kevin had smiled quite cruelly  as the truth dawned on poor Patrick's face. He had unknowingly propositioned his new boss, who had a boyfriend, while straddling a torpedo.

Kevin knew it was too harsh. He shouldn't have done it that way, but...the urge to fully put the boy in his place, to make Patrick want to run away humiliated...was suddenly very strong.

 Was that when he should have known that this was going to be something totally...different?

That night, his phone call with Jon went the way of so many before. They had spent weeks apart over their two years together, with Jon traveling with the team to away games and training camps. They exchanged small details about their day that they thought would be interesting, and they talked about practical matters, arrangements, plans. When Jon asked him about the party he didn't even hesitate, laughing at the incident of the funny, awkward young man who asked him out while straddling a torpedo. Jon joked that Kevin should be careful of sexual harassment lawsuits. Kevin chuckled.

But later, in bed, when he closed his eyes, the image he saw clear as day was Patrick, holding that stupid game controller, totally in control, confident, happy, smiling cockily.

'Didn't see that coming' Patrick had said, cool and smooth. Maybe that was the moment that it was too late.

_The following day..._

A parade of eager young developers welcoming him, chatting him up, trying to make an impression. That was Kevin's first morning in the San Francisco offices of MDG. Interspersed of course with the obligatory HR minutiae, and the boring tedium of setting up his office space, making contact with his department heads, setting up planning meetings. The news had spread about the Infinite team being set up and everyone was desperate to be on it.

He'd had a chance to look through the records of some of the most highly recommended employees while he was still in Seattle, and the nucleus of his team was pretty much formed in his mind based on that alone. Kevin had come in practically at dawn to get a jump on the huge workload to be tackled, his first job being to finalize the team. Reaching for the employee files, it was both a slight shock, yet strangely inevitable, when he realized that Patrick Murray was one of the faceless few whose file he'd already put on the 'must-haves' pile. Last night he had been half hoping the kid would be too...anything...to be on the team. He re-read all the other files first, leaving Patrick's for last.

Jesus, this kid was a disaster. He worked in the IT field. Didn't he know all his online activity would be monitored? His performance was excellent, but those websites...what was a boy like him doing trolling for companionship on dating websites anyway? Didn't he look in a fucking mirror? Kevin smiled when he thought about Patrick's terrible attempts at flirting. Suddenly the websites made a little more sense.

The urge to look deeper in the files, all the way back to the boring personnel detail, was too strong, and it was one of those very same little details that made Kevin feel...annoyed. Patrick Murray was 29 years old. He wasn't a boy. He wasn't a kid. He was a full grown man. That seemed somehow...wrong. He didn't want to think of him as a man. As a potential...equal. It was ridiculous to think that someone like Jon, a respected professional, a mature, grounded, confident man could be in the same category as...Patrick, who giggled, and blushed, and wore every feeling so clearly on his face. Fucking ridiculous. And annoying.

When Patrick walked into his office later that morning, Kevin was feeling absurdly aggressive. He'd seen him sitting at his desk, whispering to another man identified in his files as Owen. They were a design team. Owen must be shitting bricks if Patrick had confessed to what had happened last night, and from the ominous glares Owen continuously gave Patrick, he must have done exactly that.

But it had obviously taken Patrick some time to work up his courage, because most of the other designers had already walked in to introduce themselves before Patrick finally graced him with a visit. The little coward.

His opening line was priceless.

'Listen I hope you don't mind. I just wanted to come in and apologize for last night.'

'For what?

'Well you know, I was a little drunk and... I hope I didn't come across as...'

'As...' Kevin was determined to make him sweat it out.

'Well as, you know, as one of those guys that...'

Really, he was too easy to wind up. He was such a mess when he was nervous.

Kevin had dispatched him pretty quickly, humiliating him with the evidence of his online man-trolling.

'I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just, be careful what you look at, during work hours. It sends a certain message'.

Watching Patrick squirm again was...good. What was he so worked up about last night? He must have been drunk. Certainly Patrick was... beautiful, but, he was also pretty much a bumbling fool. Kevin felt calm again. In control. There was no danger here. Nothing to be alarmed about. He would have a laugh with Jon about it tonight. The continuing saga of the little twit, Patrick Murray.

Only he didn't mention it to Jon.

And that night, when he closed his eyes, he saw Patrick's face as he asked to be on the team, earnestly trying to sell himself to Kevin, and Kevin felt...disturbed. And not so much in control anymore.

_And then..._

Anxieties about the new job, about relocating, about being separated from Jon...these were all the most logical explanations for the restlessness that Kevin was experiencing. He'd had a bad night's sleep, with dreams he tried to cling on to as he woke but couldn't remember a second later.

He'd woken up with a raging hard-on. Not that unusual, but taking care of it himself felt unsatisfactory. Kevin briefly thought about calling Jon but he'd probably be pissed to be woken up this early just to get his boyfriend off. Anyway, they'd only tried that once near the beginning, on one of Jon's first trips away. It had felt silly rather than erotic and they'd ended up laughing awkwardly and never trying again.

Kevin lazily stroked himself thinking about Jon, conjuring up some favorite images that always seemed to work. Jon's sculpted muscles flexing as Kevin moved him how he wanted him, the light hair on his chest that he liked to nuzzle, and that pointed down so deliciously like an arrow to his most excellent cock. Kevin stretched languidly as he remembered their last night in Seattle. It hasn't been like that in a while. He'd fucked Jon hard, bending him over the sofa. Kept him on the edge, wouldn't let him cum until he begged.

That was a good night.

Suddenly the picture in Kevin's mind changed and he was in a steam room in the gym, a stranger's hand replacing his own. Not a fantasy...a memory. He remembered with piercing clarity his shock at the man's boldness, and then how that shock had quickly changed to pleasure, a pleasure so unexpected and sharp that his brain stuttered and all protests had quickly died. It had been over in a few minutes, and he had instinctively drawn back as the man had leaned in to kiss him at the end. After, he had spent half an hour in the showers, standing under the running, scalding water, thinking, trying to process what had just happened. Part of him knew he should tell Jon, just confess that he had been caught by surprise, had left himself get carried away, and he had even planned the words he would use to explain on the phone that night...but he never had. It seemed...unnecessarily cruel. Jon would be angry, justifiably so, but nothing would really change. He already felt guilty so all he would achieve would be to make Jon feel equally shitty. What was the point of that, when he knew that how he and Jon felt about each other hadn't been affected. He could live with the guilt and spare Jon the pain.

'Jesus' Kevin looked at the rapidly deflating cock he was holding in his hand. He flopped back in the bed.

'Well that was a waste of a perfectly good erection'. he laughed bitterly.

At least it proved he still had a conscience. He didn't need to look too hard at why thoughts of past hookups would be crowding his mind this morning and frankly he didn't need to be Dr. Freud to figure out the source of his resurrected conscience. But he also didn't need anyone or anything, subconscious or otherwise, to tell him what was perfectly obvious. It was a fucking stupid idea to get involved with someone he would be seeing daily at work. You didn't shit on your own doorstep. And, he had rules, principles, however bizarre that might seem to others. Anonymous fleeting physical gratification was one thing. Fucking another man with a name, a history, that was something totally different, and not acceptable. So yes, he found himself attracted to Patrick, despite the fact that he wasn't his usual type, despite the fact that he had seen him act like a total idiot both times he had met him, but nothing was going to happen.

Today was a new day, and just like a case of the 24-hour flu, he had to let this unexpected fascination with Patrick Murray just roll through him until it was over, then get up and go on as if it had never happened. There was no way he was jeopardizing the life he had built for himself with Jon for what would probably not even be that thrilling of an encounter. Someone like Patrick would probably have enthusiasm, but not much skill. He most likely would need to be told what to do, guided as to how to give and receive pleasure. He was definitely not a top which suited Kevin just fine...

'Fuuuuuck'. Thinking about reasons not to have sex with Patrick was not the solution to not thinking about sex with Patrick. Work. That was the answer. Just getting on with work, focusing on that, and on getting Jon here as soon as possible. That was the plan for the day. And with any luck, Patrick would just stay the fuck away from him...

\------------

That had obviously been too much to hope for, but the Patrick that presented himself that morning was a new one. A professional, passionate and mature co-worker. He had obviously been hit pretty hard by the debacle of their previous couple of encounters, and had made a genuine effort to clean up his image.

Head held high, he had confronted Kevin and laid out his case simply. He loved his job, he was committed, and he was capable. And he was ready to provide proof, holding out a game cartridge.

'It's a new build for Naval Destroyer, with a playable female character'

Kevin couldn't help himself. He was impressed and...charmed. Enough of these silly games. It was time to put Patrick out of his misery. They were going to be working together, and they had to get back on the right footing.

'You were always going to be on my team'

'Really?'

'Yeah...but commitment looks good on you.'

Patrick's shocked look was priceless. He really had to try to hide his feelings a little better. Though...Kevin felt it would be a sad day when Patrick Murray learned to hide behind a mask of cool cynicism.

'All right. Let's play.' He prompted, wiping out the awkwardness of their history with a simple invitation to do something which they both loved, and were both good at. No more fucking around with ridiculous power moves.

And the longer they played, the more at ease Kevin felt. Yesssss. This was GOOD. This was going to work just fine. Moving from that weird, inexplicable spine tingling attraction to this friendly, platonic banter. More than fine, this was going to be FUN, working with this group of eager hungry young programmers. Kevin smiled and looked at Patrick, who was doing a fucking good job of beating his ass AGAIN, this time with a character he had built all himself, just to impress his boss.

Patrick looked back at him, his sly smile breaking through the formal reserve he had put up.

Cocky little shit. They grinned at each other, two gamer nerds, in gamer heaven. Moving to San Francisco had definitely been the right move.


	2. So Fine in Leather

Shit. Kevin watched as Patrick walked away, awkwardly clutching that...fucking ridiculous leather vest. Was he seriously going to wear that to go clubbing, tonight? Fuck. He was going cruising, wasn't he, out on the prowl, and in that vest...Not that it was any of his business. He wished Patrick luck. 

And since they had decided to call it a night, Kevin should pick up some food, go home and have a nice evening with Jon. Who was probably awake and waiting for him. In their home. That was what Kevin should be focusing on. The fact that his boyfriend, who he hadn't seen in three weeks was finally here, and that the next stage in their life together looked like it was finally going to start. There was little doubt that Jon would ace the interview he had tomorrow, and then it would only be a matter of a few weeks at the most before he was down here permanently. That was just...fantastic. Really exciting. Couldn't happen soon enough.

Kevin should be grateful that Patrick had chosen to meet his friends tonight rather than stay here with him. No-brainer really. They weren't getting anywhere with the game tonight and he should have already canceled the presentation, so why drag the evening out when he could be having a nice intimate evening with Jon, and Patrick could be partying with his buddies, getting drunk, dancing, flirting with nameless strangers, fucking his brains out with some random hookup...

Kevin squeezed his eyes shut to stop his train of thought. 

'Put your big boy panties on, you dick'. He looked at the clock on his screen. Jesus. He had totally lost track of the time. They had been here for hours. With nothing much to show for it either. 

It wasn't the fact that Patrick had left that was bothering him, it was just that it was so...sudden. One moment they had been laughing, teasing, just being silly, and then the next, he was up and gone. And even though the work on the game had gone spectacularly badly, they had been having a really good day.

Except for that one moment, when he had rushed back from getting Jon settled, it wasn't fair to leave Patrick working on a Sunday all by himself, and he had seen him standing there, in that vest. It was only for a few seconds but for that small amount of time, Kevin had felt...dangerously off balance...again. Like the world had tilted suddenly and he had lost his footing. He had pulled himself together almost instantly and thankfully Patrick didn't seem to have noticed, but then he was too busy trying to cover himself up. But who wouldn't be affected by the sight of a practically naked chest, framed in black leather, standing right in front of you? That's what the vest was designed for, to draw attention to the body wearing it. Patrick's body. It was probably drawing a whole lot of attention at some club somewhere right this minute. Good for Patrick...

'You stupid fuck' Kevin laughed bitterly.

Why spend all this energy lying to himself. He was jealous. He didn't want Patrick out at some bar, flaunting himself, advertising his availability. He wanted Patrick's attention, all his focus, on him. He had even left Jon at home and hurried back here to spend as much time as he could with Patrick and now, absurdly enough, Kevin felt...betrayed. Betrayed that Patrick would choose to spend time with his friends, choose to spend time looking for a hook up or possibly a boyfriend, over the chance to...play video games with HIM.

This crush was getting ridiculous. Kevin felt like he was 17 all over again, obsessively parsing every word they had spoken, every look that had been exchanged... God, when Patrick had called out 'cheers', mimicking him, Kevin had felt giddy, like a school girl. It was their little private joke, Patrick trying to pull off Kevin's Essex accent. That's right, a teenage crush, private jokes, a heart aflutter over the sight of a hairless chest and the littlest peak of a nipple...he was fucking pathetic. Next he would be passing notes to Owen asking him to ask Patrick if he 'liked' him, writing their names on paper surrounded by little hearts.

He needed to snap out of this. He needed to get back to Jon. Needed to spend some quality time with his boyfriend, who was smart, caring, kind, and hot...he needed to remember all the things that he loved about Jon, and about their life together.

He had told Patrick that it was hard getting used to having someone around again when you'd just got used to being apart, hard to maintain a relationship with someone who didn't understand the business they were in, but he was only making things worse by hanging around the office when he should be home, taking the first steps to building this new life with Jon, enjoying his company, enjoying the simple daily pleasures they used to share, like having a meal together, planning their weekends, spending time with friends, having sex...

Kevin dropped his head in his hands as he thought about what was waiting for him at home. Jon had been pissed when he had arrived at the apartment, annoyed at the misunderstanding about the cars. It wasn't a particularly joyous reunion but he had eventually stopped sulking and remembered that he hadn't seen Kevin in three weeks, and then his mood had become distinctly more amorous. But Kevin had put him off. Work was pressing, he had a critical presentation, looming deadlines, colleagues who had volunteered their time. So, he had suggested Jon relax, take a nap...a nap for god's sake, in the middle of the day, like a child. He didn't want to have sex with Jon right this minute. Later, sure, but now... he wanted to go back to the office and play with Patrick, as if Patrick was a special toy that he had to share all week with others at work, but was all his own on the weekend.

Not that he didn't enjoy the week days, because working together was so fucking good. They had this amazing chemistry, where they really understood each other's design sensibility. The creativity was off the charts, and the game development was about the best Kevin had been involved in in years. The team was fantastic, and at it's heart, Kevin and Patrick's rapport was pure game magic. MDG would be fucking thrilled with the product, once all the glitches were worked out. 

He hadn't worked so intensely, such long hours, in a while, and when he had mentioned that he would be in this weekend, Patrick had jumped at the chance to offer his help, which had made his stupid heart stutter. It was those little things, the way Patrick seemed keen to spend his spare time with him, the way Patrick managed to gravitate towards him while the team shared lunches in the conference room, or the way Patrick seemed to seek him out just to share a joke or a comment about...whatever the fuck he was thinking or working on...even if they were just passing each other on the way to the snack room, they always had something to say, some reason to stop for a moment and chat, or even just share a smile. 

And he knew Patrick wasn't coming on to him anymore. The bumbling awkwardness had gone, and in it's place was just...It wasn't so much flirting as just...Patrick seemed to genuinely like him. And he had an ease about him now, now that he was relaxed around Kevin and they were so immersed in work.

Kevin was stupidly fascinated to see the real Patrick emerge. Intelligent, witty, still childishly enthusiastic and naive, but it didn't make him foolish or gullible, just...charming. And he was a fucking good sport. Owen made fun of him the whole time, and he took it all with such good humor, and when he was complimented, or praised, his whole face lit up and he blushed like a shy teenager. But then he would give that sly smile, or make a wry comment and you would remember that he wasn't a teenager at all, but a very adult, very sexual being...who was making Kevin's life very difficult.

Kevin sighed. He knew that this was just a phase that would pass. It had to be. Anything else was...unacceptable.

A crush didn't invalidate the deep feelings he had for Jon, especially since he had no intention of acting on it. And Patrick, thank god, seemed to have drawn a line between them too, so the flirting and the banter had remained mostly non-sexual between them. There was no real harm being done...as long as both of them kept within the boundaries of a simple school-boy infatuation.

Except Kevin had left Jon alone when he really should have taken him to bed and jumped his bones.

And it was Patrick, not him, that had the sense to call it a night, as if he suddenly realized how...absurd  it was for the two of them to be alone, late on a Sunday evening, with no legitimate reason to be there...it was Patrick who had the will to leave. Not Kevin.

Ok. So that happened. So... he would make up for it now. Patrick was off in some bar probably being dragged into the toilets for a quick feel up by some leather-fetish stranger, so Kevin would go home and charm the pants of his boyfriend, and show him what three weeks of pent-up sexual frustration felt like.

It wasn't a chore. It wasn't. It was just two years of familiarity versus the new and exciting. He just needed to keep in mind that this would pass. 

Crush, infatuation...that wasn't love. Nowhere near.

_Early hours of the next morning_

Kevin lay on his back, next to Jon, wide awake, listening to him snore. He didn't mind the snoring tonight. It was comforting, he'd almost missed it, though he knew that in a couple of nights it would start driving him crazy again. Of course by then Jon would be gone again. 

But he was coming back, and soon with any luck. Kevin smiled as he turned to look at his boyfriend, sleeping. It felt good to have him here. And though it sometime felt stiflingly safe, predictable as any relationship would be after this length of time, with that also came comfort, fondness, a real genuine and mutual caring for someone else's wellbeing. 

And that caring was driving Jon to make some pretty huge sacrifices for him. The concept of family, of roots, of home had never meant that much to Kevin, seeing as his had pretty much disintegrated when he was just 14, and moving away to college, then to London and finally on to the US had been nothing more eventful than booking a ticket and packing. But Jon, he had deep roots. He had a family, a typical un-ironically Norman Rockwell perfect WASP family, with beautiful, successful children, supportive and adoring parents and grandparents, long time family pets they were devoted to, and a whole store of traditions and history that they looked back on with fondness and nostalgia. They expressed their love and their affection for each other with ease, and they had taken Kevin in as one of their own. It was as simple as them being happy to see Jon happy. It still blew Kevin's mind. The acceptance, the openness, the sheer...normalcy. A family like that had seemed like some Americanized fantasy, too good to be true, but...Jon really had that growing up, and it had made him the secure, fearless, confident and basically good man that he was.

Had growing up in shitty Romford with a weak, lazy, bitter, but mostly indifferent father and an absent mother, who had escaped the dreariness of her life at the first chance she could, and who remained somewhat of a mysterious stranger to Kevin, had that made him the cynical, ambitious, smooth-talking charmer he was? The man who liked to observe from a distance and not give away too much of himself? Figuring out how to get as far away as possible from his home had been the driving goal of his youth. And it had taken him far. It had brought him all the way to San Francisco, as one of the brightest and most respected stars on the MDG management team.  He had escaped Romford and he was happy never to look back.

But Jon...Jon would miss his family. His circle of friends that he had been close to since childhood. And his own career, that he had so carefully cultivated and nourished since deciding to follow in his father's footsteps, and his grandfather's before him and become a doctor. To be at the top in his field of sports medicine at 37 was simply phenomenal, and yet Jon was ready to leave behind the reputation he had built in Seattle and was willing to basically start again here, in California...for Kevin.

The sense of that responsibility weighed heavily sometimes, but then, Jon assured him, that's what people did in relationships. They made sacrifices, compromises for each other. 

In the quietest parts of his mind that he only occasionally visited, Kevin sometimes wondered how he would have fared if he had been asked to do the same for Jon. If Jon had flat out refused to move to California, would Kevin had given up his chance of taking the next big step in his meteoric career, just to stay with him? Thank god that he hadn't really been tested, because Kevin feared that the ability to always...walk away, leave behind and not look back in the pursuit of what he wanted, or in the need to escape what he didn't want, had been ingrained in him, and it would take a fucking cosmic shift to break that habit. 

So far his love for Jon had kept him tethered down though, and he was enjoying that, that feeling of belonging, of being part of something bigger than just the two of them, and by some miracle he'd been able to keep both his lovely new job, and the promise of Jon and his deep roots, thanks to Jon's willingness to move here to be with him.

As always, nothing much good came of dwelling on the past or on alternate versions of the future. This was the life he was living, and Kevin liked this life. He was in control of his destiny and he had a partner to share this journey with that was dependable, stoic, mature and who loved him. 

So, no more navel introspection...he was becoming too bloody American. They loved to dissect and discuss and deconstruct every decision and emotion. Enough of this bullshit. He had just had good sex with his handsome boyfriend, and in the morning he was going to work at his dream job. How much better could life get? 

Time to put away strange, unnameable, unrecognizable childish yearnings for something...different. 

Time to remember he was a grown up, and start behaving like one.

  
  



	3. Park Life

Well...mystery explained. Kevin sat there smiling, nodding while Owen spun some bullshit about Patrick and food poisoning. Looks like Patrick had found himself a boyfriend. Coming to work late in the mornings, distracted during the days, checking his phone constantly, and now, missing work to probably spend all day in bed, fucking...whoever it was he was now fucking. Oh joy. 

He must have said the appropriate words to Owen because he left the office without looking alarmed or confused. That was good. 

So back to work. Back to thinking about deadlines, targets, modules completed, meetings that needed scheduling. No time to spend thinking about what had just...happened. No time to spend thinking about the past few days of confusion and uncertainty. But Kevin was finding that like so many fucking things these days, his thoughts weren't totally under his control. 

That Monday after the Folsom Street Fair Kevin had been determined to start on a new footing with Patrick. No more flirting, no more crushing, just strictly friendly and professional. But of course, as usual, Patrick had pulled the rug out from under him and had turned everything upside down, since it was Patrick who had come in that day, late, and had promptly spent the next few hours in some sort of daze, a stupid grin on his face, totally ignoring Kevin. 

That had been fun. 

It was obvious he'd gotten himself well and thoroughly laid the night before and it seemed it was more than some bar-crawl hook-up, because the behavior continued for the next few days.  And now, just one week later, this. The little prick was calling in sick.

Kevin was past the point of self-denial. He had been prepared to work at putting thoughts of Patrick aside, to work at redirecting these unwelcome feelings of lust and desperation Patrick had stirred up back towards Jon, who as predicted, had been offered the job the same day as the interview, and was now busy packing up and preparing for his move to San Francisco.

But perversely, it was proving harder to stop thinking about Patrick when Patrick had seemed so obviously to stop giving a damn about Kevin. No more little chats, no more flirtatious jokes, barely even an acknowledgement beyond the perfunctory work interactions. The man was obviously moon struck, and it pissed the hell out of Kevin.

Was he really so easy to just...forget? He hadn't imagined the connection, the chemistry, and it hadn't all been one sided. Patrick had behaved very well since he had found out about Jon, but it hadn't meant that he couldn't still sense the attraction that Patrick had felt towards him. And Kevin had been ready to fight the attraction, suppress it, conquer it...but instead, Patrick had just...moved on.

He knew that fucking leather vest was trouble. It had certainly caused him some difficult moments both that day, and later on, when the image of Patrick blushing, pulling his vest tight to cover his bare torso, would pop into his mind at the most inappropriate times, like when he was on the phone with Jon discussing arrangements, or more usually, when he was in the shower and soaping his own chest, and the thought of soaping up Patrick, having access to that skin, being able to lick it, to bite it and mark it, to run his hands over it and then to pull it close against his own naked chest and feel all that flesh pressed up tight against him...

And now someone else was getting to do that. And more. 

When was the last time Kevin had felt these sorts of roiling emotions? This feeling of one minute being totally in command and knowing exactly how he was going to act and behave, and the next being shocked at how out of control he felt and how he could barely recognize himself. Maybe these feelings were heightened because of the impossibility of the situation. Maybe if he had met Jon under these circumstances he too would have roused these extremes. But instead his history with Jon was simple and uncomplicated, without any drama and without any unnecessary angst, pretty much the way he thought he preferred living his life.

They were already successful in their respective careers, had bright futures ahead of them, valued the same things in life, and had felt a growing mutual attraction to each other as they began socializing in the same circles. Dating was fun, sex was good. Moving in had been considered thoughtfully and was ultimately...interesting. They were both pretty strong willed men, not used as adults to having to consider others when making decisions, but Jon had settled more easily into their new life, and had given in to the inevitable compromising and adapting with more grace than Kevin. 

Not that they argued particularly, but sometimes it was easier to find reasons to stay at work than to have to go home and deal with someone else's emotional needs. Kevin certainly never felt a huge need to unburden himself on anyone else. Some days were good, some days shit happened. Maybe your boss would be pissed at a missed deadline, you'd overhear some wanker making some stupid joke about faggots, you'd get an annoying phone call from family, or something you'd worked on for hours was still as shitty and broken at the end of they day as when you started, and on those days one just gritted ones teeth and waited for the next day to start. 

Kevin knew that Jon wanted more from him sometimes, but he'd given pretty much all he could and Jon had understood that and come to terms with it. He'd never cared for anyone as much as he'd cared for Jon, and he'd let Jon know that in as many ways as he could. But he'd been straight with him about his limitations. No false promises about who he was or what he was capable of being. Maybe omission could be seen as lying, but the sex stuff, the small things that had happened occasionally, they had nothing to do with how he felt about Jon. He never even knew these people's names. It was as impersonal as it could be, and was just, literally, all about the sexual high. 

So no, Kevin had never felt off-balance with Jon, had never felt this strange rush of extremes that he had experienced since moving to San Francisco. But until now Kevin had been grateful for that. No histrionics, no teeth gnashing, chest beating, door slamming for them. Why did it suddenly feel like something had been missing that he was just discovering, and why did it feel increasingly like Patrick was the answer to this question.

Maybe Kevin should have fucked Patrick that first night they met, and got it out of his system. By now it would have been something that had just happened one night, and they would have moved past it, been able to laugh about it even, and he would be looking forward to Jon arriving without this cloud hanging over him. Well, maybe Patrick having a boyfriend would be the answer instead, since the whole 'fucking' thing seemed to be out of the picture. 

And that was the craziest thing of all to Kevin. Despite all his internal protestations and self-admonishments, all this time he had obviously still been holding out some hope that he would be able to have his cake and eat it too, because it had taken Patrick getting a boyfriend and suddenly becoming unavailable to him to make him realize that what he fantasized about, what he thought about so often was just...never...going to happen.

'Well....shit' Kevin exhaled. That was that. Time to get back to work. That was what he was here for after all. 

_The next day_

Patrick was in on time today, with no signs of lingering stomach issues, Kevin noticed sourly as he passed his desk on the way to refill his coffee. 

Jon's arrangements were finally in place, and he was flying in on Saturday morning. His stuff would be arriving the following week, and his job would be starting pretty much immediately. It was all go in the Matheson-Williams household, news he probably would have shared with Patrick once, but now...well, the days of finding themselves alone together were over. Should he just walk over to him and announce it? That seemed a little out of place. Sure, they were the only two gay guys in the office, but that didn't mean they were supposed to have a special bond. Anyway, what the fuck made him think Patrick cared anymore?

Kevin couldn't help himself though, and on the way back from the break room, he stopped at Patrick's desk. 

'Hey'

'Oh, Hi' Patrick replied, looking up from his screen, an expectant look on his face. 'Do you need me?'

'No. Just wanted to make sure you were feeling better. From your stomach thing.'

There...he knew Patrick would blush. 

'Yeah...it's all totally better. I'm totally good now. Sorry about that. I'll...uhm...I'll stay late tonight to make sure I'm all caught up.' Patrick nodded with fake enthusiasm.

'It's ok Patrick. I was just worried. Something you ate you think? Or did you catch some nasty virus?'

'Oh...probably just food poisoning. Must have had something the night before...' Patrick replied, flustered.

'You should be careful what you put in your stomach. Can't have my lead designer flaking out on me' Kevin pretended concern. Patrick nodded, visibly uncomfortable. 

Kevin tried to think of a reason to linger that wouldn't seem fake. Patrick was obviously not in the mood for sharing and watching him squirm as he did his best to perpetuate his lie...it didn't feel as gratifying as he had imagined. Kevin just wanted Patrick to talk to him like they used to. He wanted Patrick to seek him out, pursue him again, enjoy his company, live in that little bubble they seemed to have had once. But...that took two and Patrick wasn't playing anymore. Kevin should take the hint.

'Don't worry about the work. You're not behind. Just...look after yourself, OK?'

Patrick smiled at him. A genuine smile directed straight at him. One that just drew you in and made you want to do things to make him smile like that at you all the time. Kevin's heart sank.

'Ok.' Patrick replied.

Kevin nodded briskly. Time to make a getaway, but before he could, Patrick started talking again.

'By the way, this weekend? Did you need me to come in?'

Kevin shook his head slowly.

'Why, you got plans?' he asked casually.

'Well, my friend's having a birthday party in the park, Dolores park, on Sunday and I ...just wanted to know...if you needed me I could come in Saturday?

'No need. I think we've got it under control, right?'

'I think so. It's going really well, I think. It's pretty awesome actually.' Patrick grinned.

'Yep. It is. You're...all of you, the whole team...doing a really great job. Keep up the good work' Kevin raised his eyebrows, and put his thumbs up, mocking himself.

'Right-y-ho' Patrick replied, in his terrible English accent. Kevin couldn't help it. He laughed delightedly.

'God. That was bloody awful.'

They smiled at each other, while Owen rolled his eyes. 

'Thank you. I've been trying to tell him for weeks now. His fake accent sucks. Please make him stop'

Ahhh.....there...another blush. Their eyes caught for an instant as their smiles lingered, and then...Patrick looked away, concentrating back on his screen, all signs of humor gone. It reminded him of that night of the fair, when Patrick had suddenly, inexplicably, just...switched off. Kevin stood there for a second, chewing his lip, then turned and walked back into his office.

That had been a nice moment. For a moment.

_Sunday Afternoon_

'Was that the Patrick you had mentioned, the one on the torpedo?' Jon asked, still fully engrossed in his ice-cream.

'Yup, that was him' Kevin replied casually.

'I don't remember you mentioning he was cute' Jon teased. 'I remember the 'young' bit and you were NOT exaggerating. Is he old enough to even have that beer?.'

'He's not that young. Just looks it.'

'That boyfriend of his, though.' Jon plowed on. 'That was unexpected. He was pretty hot, if you go for that dark, brooding sort of look. Did he actually say he cut hair for a living? Where would you even meet a guy like that? Your Patrick seems to have some hidden depths.'

'Mmhmm. Definitely a surprise.' Kevin managed to respond.

So, that was the boyfriend. Richie. Obviously Latino, obviously gorgeous, lots of beautiful skin covering well sculpted muscle and that jet black hair with those piercing eyes.  No wonder Patrick was besotted. Though...he didn't exactly act that way today. He had come bounding up like a naughty puppy, obviously embarrassed at having been caught doing...something that looked weirdly like skipping? Kevin had felt a momentary gratification in introducing Jon, who always impressed with his clean-cut all-American beef-cake looks, and then followed that up with his easy charm, and then the final whammy of being successful and intelligent. A doctor no less. Patrick's surprised awe was a temporary balm to Kevin's beleaguered spirits.

'There' he had thought to himself. 'You all but abandoned me and turned your back on me and our...friendship, but look who I have, who belongs to me!'  And the first part of the day's mission had been accomplished. But as always, Kevin couldn't delight for too long in those feelings. He was perverse in that he liked to cause Patrick discomfort, but then he immediately wanted to just soothe it all away for him and make it all better. He was such a pathetic arsehole.

And then Richie had appeared and once more, Kevin was blindsided. A hot barber. Laid back, self assured, oozing confidence, not remotely intimidated or impressed by all the successful wasp-ness surrounding him. It definitely seemed that Richie was the grown up in that relationship. And for an instant, Patrick had seemed somehow disconnected, as if he felt a little out of his depth, a little unsure of what he was doing, and Kevin felt, again, the need to comfort and reassure him, which he obviously had no right or reason to do. It had been a relief when the encounter finally ended. The second part of the mission, getting to meet the boyfriend, was accomplished with a lot less satisfaction.

Kevin could see the appeal that Richie would have for Patrick. He wasn't blind or immune to the sexuality that a man like Richie exuded. But...seeing that momentary hesitation Patrick had shown...was Patrick ready for a man like Richie? Because Richie seemed like the kind of man who wasn't into nonsense and fluff, and a man like Patrick was a delicious work in progress, a challenging hot mess. For Patrick's sake, Kevin hoped Richie would have the patience to enjoy and relish the insecurities and silliness that was the outer Patrick Murray, to get to the core of him, the sweetness, the warmth, the enthusiasm for life, the adorable naivety combined with that secret sly charm and wit. 

But then, what did HE know. Maybe Richie had already figured all that out and was going to hold on to Patrick for dear life. Maybe Richie relished the challenge of dealing with all the drama and they were having the time of their lives fucking their brains out, falling in love...

Or maybe Kevin didn't really know Patrick at all and those precious few days they had spent, when Kevin had felt his world was somehow expanding and deepening and becoming sweeter and more alive...maybe all that was an illusion he had created...

Kevin looked at Jon as they walked together through the park. The ice cream was finally finished and Jon was happily taking in all the unfettered joy and happiness that was San Francisco on a beautiful sunny day. Kevin reached out and took his hand, linking their fingers together. Jon smiled at Kevin.

Patrick was with Richie. Jon was real, tangible...not a fantasy or an illusion... and Kevin was content.

Content was a good way to be.


	4. Love and Marriage

Kevin watched Patrick out on the balcony, standing alone, looking a little lost after his mother has returned to the ballroom.

He couldn't imagine what the two of them has been talking about so intensely, he wished he'd been closer so he could hear, but from Patrick's earnest expression and the fact that his mother had just left him standing there alone, it was a safe bet that it had not been a particularly pleasant experience for the poor guy.

Kevin had to fight his instinct to go out there and comfort him, and part of him wished Patrick wasn't so very alone, but at the same time, he couldn't fully contain the satisfaction he felt at the fact that Richie wasn't here. Something had happened and Richie hadn't come. Patrick had fucked something up, and it was serious enough that Richie had obviously bailed at the last minute. That it was last minute was made more painfully obvious by the fact that there was an empty seat next to Patrick at his table with a place card for 'Richard Donado'.

It had taken about five minutes within arriving at the wedding for him to realize that the bride, Megan Murray, was Patrick's older sister, and that everyone was waiting for him to arrive from the city, where he was apparently running an errand for his mum. He hadn't even been surprised. The universe seemed to be intent on throwing Patrick in his path at every possible opportunity, and he had felt a certain resigned weariness at the thought of spending a whole afternoon and evening watching Patrick fawning over the lovely Richie. It was probably exactly what he needed to finally smother the lingering fantasies and thoughts that still too frequently popped up.

Megan had been chatting to him, Jon and Gus, the sweet, self-effacing Gus that he had finally met recently after years of hearing about Jon's best buddy from Dartmouth, when she had casually mentioned how intrigued she was that her little brother Patrick was bringing a date to the wedding, but that she wished he would hurry up so they could get on with the picture taking.

Jesus, they'd only been dating 4 weeks and he was bringing him to his sister's wedding? What the fuck?

That particular piece of information had almost cracked Kevin's composure but fortunately he had schooled himself well these past two weeks since meeting Richie and had even been able to enquire about him in the most vague and general terms in conversations with Patrick. Still he didn't relish the thought of watching them together.

So seeing Patrick walking up the pathway alone with his mum had made Kevin's mood lighten considerably. Unless of course Richie was arriving separately...

The look on Patrick's face when he caught sight of Kevin was priceless. Suddenly feeling cheerier than he had for a long while, Kevin approached Patrick and was introduced to the very graceful, elegant Dana Murray. Typical upperclass debutante type with impeccable manners and abundant good breeding. It was obvious where Megan and Patrick had inherited their classic beauty from.

And, for the first time in what seemed like forever, Kevin found himself alone with Patrick, albeit for just a few minutes, and Kevin was...happy. Even with Jon standing just a few feet away, it was just the two of them again, and he managed to tease Patrick and make him laugh, and life improved even more when he found out Richie wasn't coming at all. Halle-fucking-luyah...he would be spared that little torture.

Patrick had been called away to take pictures and two weeks worth of the best intentions had evaporated the minute Kevin found himself standing inches away from Patrick, because the silly idiot didn't know how to fix a bow tie. So Kevin stood there, close enough to feel his breath on his face, close enough to see every tiny detail of Patrick's lovely eyes and sweet, smiling mouth and he had sensed the anxiety Patrick was feeling, the hum of nervous energy, and he had felt compelled to offer some little help, some comfort to him. He was stupidly gratified at how impressed and grateful Patrick had been, and it reminded him of that first week they had spent, where they lived in their little bubble and Patrick's sweetness and boyish charm has captivated him so thoroughly, and they had made each other laugh, and they had opened up to each other, and they had created a special bond...

Jon had joined Kevin on the lawn and he had managed quite easily to slip into boyfriend mode, but in the back of his head, despite Jon standing right there in front of him, was a persistent thought repeating over and over again...Patrick was here without Richie. And the depressing weight of the past two weeks had been lifted and suddenly this evening seemed...exciting. He would get to watch Patrick, looking luscious in his tuxedo, probably get to talk to him as Patrick seemed happy to see him, and any stolen moments he could get he was going for and he was going to store them away in his private Patrick memory bank.

At the cocktail hour when Patrick sought him out to chat, Kevin was elated. They fell naturally into their banter, Patrick revealing some childhood angst over a cunt named Cody something-or-other, and Kevin teasing him again about his use of English words...and even when Megan had dragged Jon over and initiated that awkward conversation about marriage, Kevin's mood has remained strangely high.

Jon was a rock, steadfast, secure, safe and Kevin valued and appreciated that. But Patrick made him feel alive and full of energy, and he was going to soak that up as much as he could for as long as he could. And he wasn't going to do anything about it, but he wasn't going to give the feelings up either. He had tried and he had been miserable. He was not going to lose Patrick as a friend. A flirty, friend who he had inappropriate feelings and thoughts about, but who made him feel happy and excited and full of anticipation for their next encounter.

As the evening wore on though, and as the drinks flowed more freely, some of the happiness began to dissipate. Patrick's dad was an insensitive arsehole. Humiliating Patrick with that story of being dragged around the mall by Megan...didn't the man realize how uncomfortable Patrick looked? And the implication that in Gus, Megan's father had finally found the son he was looking for...well that pissed Kevin off. Patrick had just seemed so...lonely throughout the reception, and the speeches and the interminable obligatory dancing. Always just hovering on the outskirts of the action, an observer rather than a participant at his own sister's wedding. Weren't any of these people his friends? How come Megan's posse of gaggling bridesmaids hadn't adopted him as their favorite little brother? And he didn't seem to know or fit in with any of Gus' friends either.

Jesus, he had a perfect looking family but he was as much of an outsider to them as Kevin was to his own...and Kevin hated that for him. Imagining him growing up like that made Kevin feel indignant and protective.

And then there was Jon. Drunk and getting drunker by the minute. It didn't happen often, as with the demands of the job he had, not many opportunities came where he could just let loose, but when he did...it was not pretty. He was a sloppy drunk. Kevin hated it when people said your true self was revealed when your inhibitions were dropped. That was bullshit. People's inhibitions were a necessary part of their personality and they were there for a reason, because otherwise, people would just be straight-up dick heads. Like Kevin's dad, who drank far too much, far too often. 

Jon wasn't violent or abusive when he was drunk, he was just...unattractively over-amplified. His sarcasm turned mean, his prejudices became uglier and more obvious, and his affection turned aggressive. Kevin himself was more than a little buzzed, but he always knew when to stop. Probably from living with an alcoholic as a kid. He knew when he was getting close to the point of losing complete control, and he didn't let that happen. He was far too drunk to drive, but certainly not too drunk to realize what was going on around him, and he watched with plunging spirits as Jon became louder and more obnoxious. But then, the whole wedding party had degenerated into a gang of unattractive frat boys, laughing over stupid college pranks, reminiscing over a lost youth that few had ever been privileged enough to experience, with sailing trips, and skiing vacations that were remembered mostly for how drunk they had got and who had puked the most. Fucking rich twats.

Kevin leant back in his chair as Jon lunged towards him, laughing at some sexual innuendo one of the other Dartmouth gang made, and Jon almost fell out of his chair. Apparently that was enough to send them all into a new round of hysterics. Kevin smiled tightly and looked back out to the balcony. 

Shit. Patrick was gone. Where was he? Kevin scanned the ballroom to try to find him. He didn't want Patrick lonely and sad. He was wasting his time here with this bunch of pricks, when he should be making sure Patrick was OK. It was very important to him that Patrick not be sad. Wait. Kevin shook his head slightly. Maybe he was a little drunker than he had thought. It wasn't his job to look after Patrick. He had a boyfriend for that. And Kevin had a boyfriend too, right? 

What the fuck did having a boyfriend have to do with comforting a friend though? Wasn't that what friends were supposed to do? Wasn't Patrick his friend? Ahhh...there he was. Heading to the bathrooms. Kevin instinctively got up to follow and Jon reached out to grip his arm. His drunken hold was a little too tight, and Kevin tensed.

'Where are you going?' Jon slurred

'I need a piss.' Kevin stated flatly.

'Hurry back. The limos are going to be pulling up any minute.'

Kevin was confused. 

'What fucking limos?'

'To take us back to the city. We're carrying the party on in some club...I don't know which one....someone's...I don't know...just be quick...or do you need some help back there' Jon leered suggestively.

Kevin shook Jon's hand off. 

'I think I can manage on my own. I'll be right back' and as quick as he could, Kevin headed for the bathrooms. So, not much time left. He would just make sure Patrick was OK and say a quick goodbye. Because friends didn't leave without saying goodbye...

_The bathroom..._

Kevin walked in to see Patrick washing his face. Jesus, had he been crying? That just wasn't fucking right...

'Hey-eee' he said gently, or at least it was supposed to be gently. Everything seemed very loud all of a sudden. Including his heartbeat. And everything was very bright but strangely...slow. How drunk was he? But it didn't feel like the effects of alcohol...more like...just very...surreal.

'Are you OK?'...as if he needed to ask. Every one of Patrick's emotions showed so clearly on his beautiful face.

'Yeah...super.' Patrick answered. He sounded forlorn. His Patrick sounded very forlorn. What did friends do when friends were sad? He knew he should probably leave because this strange fog was making him confused. Was he here to comfort Patrick or to say goodbye, or to just prolong this agonizing contact?

'What's happened?' Kevin willed Patrick to open up to him. To ask Kevin for...something, anything. He wanted Patrick to make some move...He could feel himself holding himself back, physically crossing his arms so he could stop from leaning towards Patrick...All it would take would be one little sign, something...

'Oh nothing. It's just today....I used to like weddings.'

Well. That was his fucking sign. Patrick wasn't opening up, he wasn't looking to Kevin for anything at all. Not comfort, not...anything. This was the moment Kevin should just say goodbye and leave. Jon was waiting for him to head back to the city...Kevin's heart sped up and he was surprised Patrick didn't seem to be able to hear it. It was echoing like a fucking drum throughout the room. Or was that Patrick's heart beat? Did he feel this too? What the fuck did Patrick feel? He couldn't leave yet. Couldn't leave until he could...understand what was happening. But Jon was waiting...Jon...

'Jon's drunk'. Jesus. Why would he mention Jon now? 

'Oh Great' Patrick was still clearly in his own world. Hardly paying Kevin any attention.

'Yeah no, I can't stand him when he's drunk.' shut the fuck up about Jon, he kept telling himself, but he didn't really seem to be in particular control of his words. It was taking all his effort to just stand there and make stupid conversation, when he just wanted Patrick to acknowledge that there was something happening here...that it wasn't just his own stupid pathetic imaginings that had him feeling so intensely.

'Are you a little drunk?' Ahhh...that little half smile...Patrick was beginning to notice him. 

'Yeah, but see I'm a nice drunk' And the restraints broke. He couldn't hold himself back. Patrick was looking at him, seeing him, smiling, and he was suddenly present with him in the room. He was fucking irresistible. Kevin moved closer...just to be a little closer.

'Yeah that's good to know'...and just a little closer still. And he could now see Patrick's confused look, every detail of it, and it was all happening so fast but so incredibly slowly too, and every second was rushing by and taking far too long.

'What?' Patrick asked, but he wasn't moving away, even though Kevin was only inches away...Could he really not know what was happening?...it was just not possible that Patrick couldn't feel this yearning too. 

'I was gonna kiss you'...what the fuck? Was he? Was he really going to do that? He wasn't really going to do that... It was just this stupid fog he was in. Jon was waiting outside. What the fuck was he thinking. Was he even thinking?

'What?' Patrick looked a little alarmed for the first time. He was such a good boy. It really hadn't occurred to him that Kevin was capable of...What was he capable of? Jon was waiting outside...

'I'm kidding' Of course he wasn't going to do that. He was just drunk. Jon was waiting outside and they were about to leave, to go back to their life in the city, and this was just a stupid bathroom, and Patrick was just a boy who was pretty and sweet...

'Good cos that...'

Kevin kissed Patrick. 

And for a glorious, crazy second, as he brushed those beautiful lips with his tongue, he felt Patrick leaning in. He needed another taste. And there...just a little lick, just a tiny touch of their tongues, heaven, but he knew there was so much more he wanted, and Patrick wanted it too and he would give Patrick everything he wanted, he would kiss the living shit out of him...

Patrick held him off, not looking at him, his eyes wide, dazed, confused, but...resolute.

He couldn't have been wrong. He had felt it on Patrick's lips, even if it was just for a second...he hadn't been wrong about this feeling being mutual. But that didn't matter. What mattered is Patrick had made a decision. And Kevin was left with...nothing. Nothing to do but...leave. Leave ashamed and alone. Having just totally fucked everything up, because...what was he going to do now? 

So much for saying goodbye. 

 


	5. Office Space

_The Next Day_

Kevin stared at his phone, chewing his lip. It would probably take Patrick about 30 minutes to get here, if he left the restaurant straight away. That seemed like an incredibly short time in which to get his head straight and figure out what he wanted to say, but at the same time he knew the waiting would be interminable.

Fuck it, he needed a drink. He should just run out and get some beers. Now that was a fucking excellent idea. Maybe if they could just sit together and have a friendly drink, just completely casual and laid back and actually talk this thing out, maybe they'd be able to move on from this painfully awkward situation.

Not that Patrick showed any desire to analyze and discuss, which if anything, made Kevin significantly more nervous about what was going on in Patrick's head than if he had stormed in this morning, demanding explanations and apologies. For christ's sake, his boss had jumped him in the bathroom and only stopped when Patrick had held him off, and this morning he acted like absolutely nothing of any importance or significance had happened.

Kevin had barely been able to sleep at night, worrying and planning and running through scenarios of how he would approach Patrick, of what he would say to him, how he would try to explain...and it had taken all of his willpower not to call him or text him or try somehow to communicate with him, to just wait until he saw him at the office. He'd come in early just in case he could snatch a few minutes in private before work and meetings got fully underway, but perversely Patrick had decided that he would come in late again that day. Which of course made Kevin remember the one person in this whole mess he'd completely forgotten about. Richie. With all the guilt he'd felt about Jon, he hadn't spared a moment's thought about the fact that Patrick had a boyfriend too.

Just one more thing to add to the list of things to feel shitty about.

From the moment he'd left the bathroom, left Patrick in there and just...escaped, he'd been doing nothing but thinking about the stupidity of his actions, the total and utter mess he'd made of everything, all because he couldn't control himself, because he couldn't deny himself the one thing he'd been fucking thinking about for weeks now. Kissing Patrick. It had been only a few seconds, but those seconds might have cost him a whole fuck of a lot. For a start, his working relationship with Patrick which was such a big part of the current success of the team was at stake, not to mention his own peace of mind, because unfortunately the brief aborted kiss hadn't killed the desire he felt for Patrick, but instead had made it seem almost impossible to imagine that he wouldn't ever get to do that again. Even though he knew he couldn't. He wouldn't. Not again. And even if he wanted to...more than anything...Patrick wouldn't. He'd shown that.

Wait. More than anything? Did he want to kiss Patrick again more than anything? More than being with Jon? Fuck...that was just a path he couldn't travel down. There was no point in even thinking about that, it was so preposterous. To give up a relationship he'd invested so much time in, to turn his back on a man who had given up so much for him, for what would essentially be a quick scratch of a physical urge...fucking unthinkable.

He just had to focus on mending the damage. Not let his mind wander to what might have happened if Patrick had...kissed him back.

Even if in his drunken state he'd imagined for a second that Patrick wanted more, his behavior today would have quickly disabused him of that notion. Patrick had been so...cold this morning. He was expecting recriminations, accusations, but the complete lack of any emotion had been frightening. Kevin had tried to break through the barrier Patrick had put up, knowing that if they had a chance of getting over this they needed to discuss it, but Patrick was surprisingly impenetrable. Kevin had walked away from this new Patrick, needing to regroup, figure out his next move, even thinking that maybe he needed to give Patrick a few days to come to terms with what had happened and then try to approach him again, but in the end, he couldn't wait.

He'd lasted the day at least without badgering him, but this evening, as he faced the idea of going home and spending another restless evening with everything so uncertain, he knew he couldn't wait any longer. He'd made some typical excuses to Jon about project deadlines and such, and then he'd tried to text Patrick some harmless greetings, hoping Patrick would show some willingness to engage, but that hadn't worked. Finally, he'd worked up the courage to call, but just from Patrick's tone he could tell he was still in full-on denial mode. Thinking fast, Kevin had basically tricked Patrick into coming into the office, claiming he needed help locating some files. And so now here he was, counting down the minutes before he had to face Patrick and somehow crack through the shield he had put up.

With a renewed sense of purpose, Kevin made his way to the local deli to pick up some beers. Having something to do was better than just sitting chewing his nails, waiting... Alcohol. That was what he needed. A bit of dutch courage for him and a bit of a relaxant for Patrick. He needed the courage to push Patrick into accepting that last night had actually happened and that it was a situation that needed discussing and ultimately, needed Patrick's understanding and forgiveness, and Patrick needed to relax enough to be willing to hear that and not avoid the reality of where they were at. That was what tonight had to be about. Putting to rights the relationship that Kevin had derailed. Setting it back on it's right track...

It took only a second for all of Kevin's self delusions to shatter, as he approached the deli checkout to pay for his beers and saw a display of condoms. His heart sank.

'You fucking fool' he laughed bitterly to himself. That's what he'd called him for. All that bullshit about putting things right, discussing, apologizing...if Patrick gave him the slightest sign that he was willing, he'd be all over him in a second.

What the fuck was he doing? Almost in slow motion, his heart racing, Kevin picked up a packet of condoms and put them on the counter. He couldn't take his eyes off them. Before the cashier could pick them up though, he snatched them back, shaking his head. That was just going too far.

He was bugging out. He needed to calm the fuck down and get back to the office. Patrick had a boyfriend and had shown last night he was not willing to take things further with Kevin. Even if he had felt anything, he'd been the better, more honorable man.

So, kevin had no fucking idea what was going to happen tonight. But he wasn't going to meet Patrick with a pack of condoms in his pocket. He was going to leave this up to Patrick, because he had no will power left. Thoughts of Jon, thoughts of wrong or right, Kevin knew none of that would make any difference if Patrick wanted him even a fraction of how much he wanted Patrick.

Time to get back to the office and wait...

_15 minutes later_

Kevin watched Patrick walk towards him, unsmiling, purposeful.

'Hi' 

'Hi...how was your thing?' Kevin asked. Hopefully Patrick was in a chatty mood and some small talk and banter could ease them into their comfortable familiarity. But no. Patrick was all business tonight.

'It was good, I think. I'll get you those files.'

'Do you want a beer? I got us some drinks.' Kevin tried again, holding out a can, moving towards him, moving closer...

'No, I'm good. Let's just get this done, yeah?' Patrick was definitely shutting him down. If he was waiting for a sign, this was pretty fucking clear. He should just let this go. He should let Patrick go. Hadn't he humiliated himself enough? But...really, who the fuck cared about humiliation, if there was the slightest chance...Kevin had to push this just a little further. If he was going to crash and burn he might as well go down in fucking flames.

'I think actually I...sort of of got it.' He edged closer to Patrick, drawn to him. 

'What do you mean?'

'Well I got it sorted. I did it all.' Kevin opened up a beer and handed it to Patrick, so close now he could see Patrick's eyes widen by a fraction. But still, if he knew why Kevin had called him he wasn't letting on. But he also wasn't leaving...he was still standing there, and he was taking a drink...

'Ok, then what am I doing here?' 

So this was it. The point at which Kevin could just take the right path. He could tell Patrick he'd made a mistake, thought he needed him but didn't and Patrick could just go home, or back to hang out with his friends, or even back to Richie who was maybe waiting for him...But always, when it came to Patrick, the right thing to do was never the thing that felt the most... right... to Kevin. So instead, he was going to lay his cards on the table, and let Patrick choose.

'Ah well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened between us.'

'Oh my God. Please, I told you. It's completely fine.' Still, Patrick stood there, not moving away, not leaving in anger, just...waiting?

Kevin gazed at Patrick. God...he wanted this man so much. For what felt like forever all he could think about was this man and being with him. What would he do if Patrick didn't feel the same way? What would he do if Patrick walked away? Well, this was the time to find out. 

'What?' 

'Do you know how much effort it takes to be around you every day?'...there it was...the point of no return had finally been reached.

'Effort?'

'Hmmmm. It takes all of my willpower not to lunge and kiss the fucking shit out of you. And I can't seem to stop thinking about you and it's becoming a real...fucking...problem.' 

Kevin's whole body was tensed, waiting for Patrick's reaction. But it felt so good to finally say the words out loud. To finally put a voice to the feelings that had been bottled up these weeks they had been together. Whatever happened, Kevin couldn't regret that. Patrick seemed confused by the confession more than upset, as if it had never occurred to him that someone could be so powerfully attracted to him. For fuck's sake, what kind of shitty men had he spent time with in the past that he didn't know his own appeal? 

'You have a boyfriend.' 

Well...that cut right to the heart of it. Not much Kevin could say to that...

'Yeah.'

...except...was the existence of Jon was the only thing holding Patrick back from Kevin? What about Richie? His own boyfriend? What about Patrick just not feeling the same way...He didn't mention those things. He didn't deny having feelings...was this the sign Kevin was waiting for, or was he reading too much into it? Oh fuck...his heart felt like it was going to explode it was racing so fast. He could barely breathe...was this going to happen?

'You know what, I think I'm just going to go...'

'No can you just...no please...don't just..don't go just yet.' Kevin couldn't let him go without pushing this further because he didn't believe Patrick wanted to go...He would have already left, would have told Kevin to fuck off, told him he was happy with his boyfriend, told him a million things that he hadn't. Patrick wanted to stay...he just had to show him. He put his arm out to stop Patrick from moving but quickly drew it back. He wasn't going to force him...

'What are you doing?' Patrick seemed immobilized by Kevin's hand that had touched him so briefly. His face was a picture of confusion...hesitation? That was all that Kevin needed to see.

'Just stay' Kevin was almost begging. He didn't care...he was happy to beg...

'this is...' 

'Just...' Kevin kissed him again. Once, twice, the briefest kisses, just barely touching, barely a lick of  his tongue, but enough to show Patrick what he wanted, what he needed so much from him. And again, Patrick pushed him away...but this time...oh god...this time, he stared Kevin right in the eyes as Kevin waited...waited...for him to turn away...but he didn't. They stood there, staring at each other, both of them breathing heavily, and there was only the smallest doubt left in Kevin's mind of what Patrick also wanted.

So...just a tentative, questioning approach...if Patrick moved back, away, even slightly, Kevin would stop...but Patrick didn't. Kevin stepped forward bringing their bodies so close...and brushed his face against Patrick's, silently asking for permission one last time. Patrick didn't move his head an inch, his eyes wide and focused intensely on Kevin. He seemed to be waiting for Kevin's lips to touch his again, so Kevin, slowly, ever so slowly, brought his mouth to Patrick's one more time, and as their lips touched softly, reverently, their eyes closed and finally...finally...Kevin was kissing Patrick. 

And then, miraculously, Patrick was kissing Kevin, and it was...fucking fantastic. Oh God...his mouth, his clever tongue...they couldn't get enough of each other's kisses, and when one pulled away the other would just follow and the kiss would start again. Hotter, wetter, more desperate. And to finally have his hands in Patrick's hair, his beautiful, soft hair that he'd wanted to grab for so long...it was heaven. To have that body that he'd fantasized about pushed up against his, firm, strong, deliciously hard...he only let Patrick pull away far enough so that they could start undressing each other, but he didn't want to lose contact with that luscious wet mouth that was driving him crazy.

Patrick's hands were busy unbuttoning his shirt as Kevin moved his down to start unbuckling belts. He wanted to feel Patrick, take his cock in his hand, in his mouth, have Patrick's hands on him too, he wanted so much and didn't know where to start....

But Patrick seemed to know exactly what he wanted, and that, thank fucking christ, seemed to be Kevin, naked. Which was just fine with Kevin. Every inch of skin that Patrick uncovered he covered in kisses, stroked with his long beautiful fingers, and licked and sucked with his talented mouth, driving Kevin insane with need. Kevin went straight for Patrick's cock, pushing one hand into Patrick's pants while he pulled him close with the other. He nibbled his way down Patrick's neck with his greedy mouth, sucking the soft skin when he reached the base, so deep, he knew he would leave a mark. Good. He wanted to mark him. Patrick was beautifully hard, and as Kevin stroked him, played with him, he began to make soft panting noises. Noises that were making Kevin fucking crazy. In all his fantasies, his imagined encounters, Kevin hadn't anticipated the effect Patrick's moans and gasps would have on him. And it was a most wonderful surprise. He had never been so turned on just by the sound of another man as at this very moment.

Patrick fell to his knees and pulled Kevin's pants down, taking his boxers with them, forcing Kevin to step out of them. He stopped for a moment, silently, and then looked up at Kevin. They hadn't exchanged a word since they had started kissing, and there was a question in Patrick's dazed eyes.

Kevin knelt down in front of Patrick and kissed him softly on the mouth.

'What do you want to do?' He asked Patrick, whispering his question into his mouth as he licked his way inside and sought out Patrick's tongue.

'I want to fuck.' Patrick pulled his head back so he could escape Kevin's mouth and instead started kissing his chest again, moving slowly downwards. Ah....so...fucking...good. Patrick kissed his way down Kevin's belly and finally put his mouth on his cock, just the softest suck, the slightest lick...Kevin squeezed his eyes shut as Patrick began to explore him more thoroughly.

'I don't want you to cum like this' Patrick whispered, bringing his head back up to Kevin's for a long lingering kiss.

'Ok' Kevin answered, practically incoherent as he watched Patrick stand up to take off his own pants and boxers. Patrick knelt back down in front of Kevin and they both reached for each other, their hands moving together on each other's cocks slowly, lazily, building up the tension, while their mouths naturally came together again. Patrick was a biter. As he stroked Kevin, he would bite and pull on his lower lip, and Kevin's head practically exploded.

'Like this?' he managed to ask Patrick. Anyway Patrick wanted was just fine with him. There was such an abundance of beautiful skin and wonderful body parts to play with and rub up against, not to mention the fact that he could probably cum just by kissing Patrick's mouth and nibbling his lips...

'No...I want to fuck' Patrick repeated. Kevin pulled his head back and stared at Patrick. Oh god, his mouth was wet and swollen, his eyes huge, bright, and there were little marks and bites all over his neck. He looked magnificent. Kevin knew there was something he had to say, but for the life of him he couldn't think what it was...

'Do you have a condom?' Patrick asked.

Fuck...

Kevin shook his head slowly, in a daze. He almost wanted to cry at the desperate disappointment on Patrick's face.

'I wanted you to do it. To fuck me...' Patrick said, forlornly. 

'Oh god, there's nothing I want to do more...' Kevin replied, dropping his forehead onto Patrick's.

'I don't really...I haven't much because I usually...' Patrick trailed off, looking miserable, but still hot as fuck.

'You don't bottom?' Kevin prompted.

'Not usually...but I really wanted to tonight...You're driving me crazy you're so fucking...hot' Patrick whispered, starting to scatter kisses on Kevin's lips again.

'Let me suck you...' Kevin reached for Patrick.

'No...no...I really want to fuck' Patrick moaned as Kevin's hand wrapped around him again.

'But...'

'Just do it. Please....' Patrick pleaded as he began to thrust into Kevin's hand, while his own hands roamed all over Kevin's body, stroking his chest, his shoulders, his ass, his thighs...

'I want you to...please...' He continued, as he licked into Kevin's mouth and sucked his tongue deep into his own.

'Whatever you want...if you're sure...' Kevin panted. He pushed Patrick down onto the floor and moved on top of him, thrusting their bodies together, feeling himself grow impossibly harder as he felt Patrick's cock rubbing against his.

There was a moment of hesitation on Patrick's part, and Kevin was ready to stop, to do anything else Patrick wanted to do, it would all be sooooo good, but Patrick was determined to go through with it, and after the first initial entry which caused him some discomfort, everything became...glorious.

God, to be inside Patrick, to feel him tight all around him, and to hear him panting, gasping as he began to move slowly, but then more surely, faster, stronger...And when he hit Patrick's p-spot he heard Patrick moaning in surprised ecstasy, and that was the biggest rush he could ever imagine. To feel Patrick clutching him as he desperately sought out his mouth, to feel Patrick harden even more against him as he moved deliriously closer to completion...to hear him beg for more, for harder, for faster...it felt like only seconds passed before Kevin was ready to cum and he thankfully had the presence of mind to pull out of Patrick before it was too late, and then together, they brought each other off, groaning their pleasure into each other's mouths.

Kevin wanted to collapse onto Patrick, but knowing they were lying on a hard floor, he instead rolled to the side and lay there, staring at the ceiling, next to Patrick, trying to catch his breath. They looked at each other and grinned. Kevin again marveled at the beauty of the man lying next to him.

That was a most excellent fuck. And he knew he wanted to do it again. He didn't know how, but he knew it had to happen. He would make it happen. This couldn't be the end.

'Was that OK?' he asked. After all, Patrick hadn't much experience at being fucked, and to have it happen on the floor, with no lubrication...it had seemed to go well, but he needed to make sure.

Patrick smiled and leaned over to kiss Kevin.

'Yeah. It was.'

After a moment more of silently smiling at each other, they got up and started dressing. Sneaking glances, shy smiles...Kevin felt...at peace.

'So now what?' Patrick finally asked.

Kevin didn't have any answers, except for the knowledge that he and Patrick were going to be doing this again. Hopefully soon. But that wasn't what Patrick meant, and he knew that. Patrick's question was about so much more, and he was brave to ask it. So now, what about Jon? So now, what about Richie? So now....what about Patrick and Kevin? What was the future going to be? 

Kevin gave the only answer he could.

'I don't know, Patrick'.

And he didn't. He really didn't know the answers. And tonight, he frankly didn't care. Tonight, he had given in to the temptation he had felt from the very beginning, and it had been orders of magnitude better than he had expected. And in a while he would feel shitty and guilty and be faced with the consequences of tonight, but for now, in this moment...life felt fucking great. He felt great. And he wasn't letting go of that feeling. He was going to hold on for as long as he could.

Patrick stood up to leave, looking more serious and focussed than he had a minute ago, playing with some charm thing around his neck. Had his regrets already started? God, Kevin had hoped the euphoric sex would have kept him buzzed a little longer. But he should have known that a worrier like Patrick would have a harder time with the consequences of this evening.

He walked over to Patrick and kissed his gently on the mouth.

'It will all be alright. We'll work it out. We'll talk tomorrow.' Kevin reassured him. Patrick smiled, a little weakly, and giving him a last lingering look, turned around and walked out of the office.

'It will be alright. I'll work it out. I'll talk to him tomorrow...' Kevin repeated to himself. He sat on the sofa and picked up a new can of beer. He would head home soon, to Jon, but for now, he was going to sit here, drinking quietly and peacefully, remembering the fucking amazing night he had just spent in the arms of fucking Patrick Murray.


	6. The In-Betweeners

_Five Weeks Later._

Kevin watched Patrick working at his desk, squinting at his screen through his sexy-librarian glasses. He was obviously not happy with something happening on his computer, and Kevin enjoyed watching his frustration playing out on his face. Patrick Murray was fucking cute when he was bothered. Also when he was happy and when he was goofing around, and especially when he was shy and embarrassed. He was cute a lot of the fucking time.

But he was also not cute at all, but fucking hot when he was feeling horny, and also after he'd been satiated and was in his post-sex dazed stupor, though that never lasted long because Patrick Murray was a chatty little fucker after sex. Kevin was the type who felt like dozing and struggled to stay awake after coming, but Patrick was bouncing off walls just minutes after.

Not that they'd had a lot of opportunities to be alone together...or more accurately, though they'd had the opportunities, there was some tacit understanding between them that their encounters were to be spontaneous, unplanned, not pre-meditated...because that would feel too much like...something that was more serious than this was allowed to be. And they both seemed to realize very quickly that though the boundary lines kept getting moved, they needed to keep this...thing...within a tightly sealed box.

Going home the night of their first fuck, seeing Jon lying on the sofa, still recovering from his massive hangover from the wedding, Kevin had been racked with guilt, but also, at the same time, not at all willing to stop what was happening between him and Patrick. Did that make him a cheating hypocrite? Absolutely. But he was willing to live with that...because, this itch needed more scratching before it was over, and he had learnt his lesson. The more he tried to ignore it, the more all-pervasive it became.

Most probably by fighting his attraction to Patrick, Kevin had blown it up into something huge and all-consuming, but now, after maybe a few more times together, this fascination would most likely just fizzle out. Sex was sex, and once the mystery was over and the thrill of the new and the exciting, Jon would still be the man he loved and was committed to. Every relationship had low points, and the strain of the decision to move to San Francisco, the time spent apart, the burden of the sacrifice he felt Jon had made, these all had contributed to Kevin feeling more distant and out of synch with Jon, but...now that he was here, and now that this ridiculous infatuation was sure to run it's course, he was going to able to recommit to Jon and they would get through this better, stronger.

Jon had been contrite for being such an arsehole at the wedding. He knew Kevin hated it when he drank so much and each time promised he wouldn't do it again. God...he was a good, solid man. Not challenging and difficult, not high-maintenance, just the best sort of life partner one could wish for.

The very next morning before setting off for work Kevin had texted Patrick to meet him on the roof before his daily round of meetings began. Some things needed to be sorted out, made clear. No false expectations or promises were going to be made. His resolution faltered for a second after seeing Patrick walk in to the MDG offices that morning, seeing him search out Kevin in his glass box of an office to give him a shy smile before he moved to his desk. Kevin had felt the breath knocked out of him. He was instantly aroused, memories of the previous night crowding in, of Patrick's mouth on his cock, of Patrick whispering 'fuck me harder' into his mouth between wet, sumptuous kisses, of being so deep inside of him and knowing he had seconds to pull out before he would explode...

But no...he had to stick to his original plan. Boundaries. Boundaries had to be set, lines drawn, compartments kept separate and closed. There was real life, there was work and then there was...this. He hoped to God Patrick would be reasonable so that this could be something they both could enjoy and let run it's course.

As he waited for Patrick on the roof, he tried to marshall his thoughts into a coherent argument. How did you ask someone if they would be willing to occasionally have sex with you while you were both in relationships with other people? Jesus...maybe Patrick had considered the whole thing a one night stand. What if he had confessed to Richie and was determined not to have anything more to do with Kevin outside of a work relationship? What the fuck was he going to do then? Fuck...he hated not being in control and this suddenly felt very...out of his control. Patrick was a wild card, and Kevin suddenly felt a surge of dread at the coming conversation. Who was in charge? Who had the power? It was so NOT clear...

As soon as Patrick walked out onto the roof, all Kevin's internal voices quieted. When they were apart everything seemed very complicated and full of pitfalls and difficulties. But as always, when Patrick stood before him, things seemed to simplify down to very basic facts. He wanted this man. So fucking much. And Patrick wanted him. Or at least he had. There seemed to be a lingering sadness around him this morning.

'What's happened?' Kevin asked, immediately attuned to Patrick's mood.

'What do you mean?'

'You look like...Should I be apologizing for last night?' Kevin pressed, holding his breath.

'No...no...Last night was...it was good.' Patrick blushed, not being able to look Kevin in the eyes.

'You regret it though?' Fuck. He dreaded this answer.

'Well, it shouldn't have happened, right? We both know that. I mean...you're still with Jon. But...if I'm honest, I can't regret it. That's pretty bad though. I don't know what that makes me.'

Why did he mention Jon but not Richie?

'And Richie?'

Patrick chewed his lip, looking down at the ground. He crossed his arms over his chest, as if to hold Kevin at a distance. Was this subject off limits? That made sense...he had no desire to discuss Jon with Patrick...still, Kevin was bothered.

'Richie and I...we're not together any more. We broke up last night after...we...happened. I think. Though it could have been yesterday morning. It's a little complicated.'

'Oh. I'm sorry'...well...that was a stupid thing to say. Totally inappropriate and frankly a downright lie. Patrick wasn't a fool, and he rolled his eyes at Kevin.

'Right. I'm sure you are.'

'Was it because of...us?' Kevin felt compelled to ask.

'No. It was...me. I...fucked up. Can we not talk about it though?'

Kevin didn't like that answer much. He didn't want to be responsible for breaking them up so that was a relief, but Patrick seemed melancholy about the end of his relationship with Richie, and instead of turning to him as a friend, he was very firmly shutting Kevin out. Shit. Was last night really just a casual fuck for Patrick? He found that...surprising. He had thought of the possibility but honestly, he wouldn't have expected Patrick to be capable of something like last night without having some...feelings involved. Not the sort of feelings you had for a boyfriend or your partner obviously, but...they had been friends before last night, no...before the wedding...so...

What the fuck were they now? Lovers? After one night? No...absolutely not. Fuck buddies? That seemed like a crass term for someone you cared about...Friends? He really hoped so. He liked having Patrick as a friend. Could they be friends who occasionally...when the itch got too intense...fucked?

But Patrick had asked a question, and he needed to formulate an answer, and then move them on to the topic at hand...which was, where did they go from here.

'Of course Patrick. Whatever you want. Listen...'

'Can I just say something Kevin?' Patrick interrupted, finally looking Kevin in the eyes, serious, grave.

'Sure.'

'I've never done something like last night before, and I don't know what it means or what it says about me, but...it was...very good. And I know you're with Jon and you have a life together, and I know that what you said last night, about thinking about me all the time, well, that wasn't meant like a big declaration or anything...but, well, I think about you too. A lot. And even though it's wrong and this isn't who I thought I was, if it happened again...I wouldn't... object. But I'm not making a big deal about it, and I'm not expecting anything of you, so...maybe we should just see what happens, or...doesn't happen.' Patrick shrugged.

Kevin nodded briskly, biting his lip. He should be fucking elated. Patrick had just let him off the hook, not requiring explanations, not asking for reassurances or promises...the perfect 'mistress'. He had effectively put himself into a little compartment, and given Kevin permission to come and play with him if he wanted. He should feel great. He could have his cake and eat it. He should smile, take the win and walk away...

'I want you to know I've never done something like last night before either. And I don't mean the unprotected sex. I mean...fucking someone I...care about...while I'm with Jon. I'll be honest with you. Things have been a little... strained between me and Jon, and I'm not saying that as an excuse, but I'm trying, we're both trying to make things work, and now he's moved down here I'm hoping things will get better. But I can't regret last night either. It was amazing. YOU were amazing. And I want you to know I'm really, honestly...grateful that you let me be with you last night, but that I want us to be friends and continue this really fun dynamic we have going here, and I don't want to jeopardize that, but at the same time I would really really like to be with you, again.' Well...that wasn't exactly how he had planned to play it. Not very cool and not many boundaries set. Well done Kevin.

But...ahhhh....Patrick was smiling. At last. A genuine smile, that seemed to break through his gloom, and that made his inarticulate speech suddenly seem perfect.

'I'd like that too.' Patrick blushed. Kevin walked towards him and stopping inches away from him, smiled broadly.

'Well then. Let's see what happens'

'Ok.' Patrick gave his half smile, the one that pulled one side of his mouth up and looked so fucking hot. Kevin couldn't resist. He leaned in and kissed that smiling mouth, gently, softly, just lips on lips, barely sexual. Patrick cupped his neck and gave a sweet lick of his tongue across Kevin's lips before stepping away.

He grinned at Kevin.

'I'd better get back to work before my boss finds out I'm missing'

'Yeah...I'll join you in a second. I just have to...wait a few minutes' Kevin stared pointedly down at his own crotch before raising his eyebrows at Patrick.

Patrick laughed delightedly before turning away and leaving the roof.

'Fuck me'. thought Kevin. This could get addictive. Strict rationing was required. He would wait at least a week before seeking out Patrick again. Maybe by then he wouldn't even feel the urge anymore.

And maybe pigs would fly...

Three days later, Kevin's resolve failed.

'Shit...don't stop....don't stop. Please...' Patrick gasped, arching his back away from the wall as far as he could while Kevin maintained his firm grip on his cock and in his hair.

'Are you close?' Kevin whispered in his ear, before angling Patrick's head towards his and grabbing his mouth in another wet kiss, sucking his lips and tangling his tongue in Patrick's mouth. Patrick couldn't answer of course, but Kevin didn't need words to know how close Patrick was to coming. He had been panting and murmuring obscenities for the past few minutes as Kevin got down to the serious business of tossing him off.

'I don't want to cum...not alone...let me...' Patrick pleaded, while trying to get his own hand down into Kevin's pants. But Kevin had other ideas.

'Hands against the wall. I told you not to move them' he growled into Patrick's mouth.

'Oh fuck...oh fuck...oh god...' Patrick moaned as Kevin sucked the soft skin of his neck, just under his chin.

Kevin quickly unzipped his own pants and pulling out his cock which had been painfully hard since he had decided to trap Patrick in the conference room, gripped both of their cocks in his hand and started rubbing, hard, fast, frantically....

'Yes...yes...that is soooooo good. I feel you....god....don't stop' Patrick was barely coherent which ratcheted Kevin's own desire up several notches..It DID feel fucking good. Even fully dressed, even with just a hand on a cock, Kevin was having the time of his fucking life.

Just watching Patrick's mouth during the end of week status meeting had been enough to get him started. Watching him chew on his lip, bite the side of his nail, lick his lips after taking a drink of his soda...watching his adam's apple move up and down slowly as he swallowed...the meeting had seemed to go on for hours and when it ended at 6 and Kevin dismissed everyone to go home, he had asked Patrick to stay behind to explain a part of the design. Patrick had not seemed suspicious at all and had launched into some detailed description of the module he and Owen had been working on. It had taken about 15 minutes for the rest of the staff to leave the building, during which time Kevin had pretended to be listening to Patrick, and had probably even come up with insightful questions. Patrick had pulled up the program on his laptop and was showing Kevin the actual code, line by line as Patrick explained the challenges they were facing.

Once Kevin had watched everyone leave, he had grabbed the still-talking Patrick by his arm, pulled him out of his chair and pretty much pinned him against the wall.

'What are you doing?' Patrick exclaimed.

'Keep your hands against the wall' Kevin had mumbled into Patrick's mouth while frantically unbuttoning his pants.

'What!' Patrick had tried moving his mouth away from Kevin's but not before he got a few delicious licks in...and Kevin noticed with glee that he had automatically flattened his hands against the wall and thrust out his crotch so Kevin could have easier access.

Kevin grinned and Patrick's eyes had glazed over as Kevin finally got his hands on his cock, which was already gratifyingly hard.

'Wait...what if...someone walks in?' Patrick tried feebly to protest, but his words were interrupted by his own attempts to devour Kevin's lips. This man had a serious oral fixation which absolutely delighted Kevin.

'I'll fire them.' Kevin smiled, moving his hand faster on Patrick, making him gasp and drop his head against the wall.

'Ok.' Patrick managed to whisper before giving himself over fully to the sensations Kevin was inciting...and so they found themselves, ten minutes later, coming together, Patrick rigid against the wall, Kevin pressed up against him close, mouth open against Patrick's cheek, gasping.

'Fuck' Kevin dropped his forehead onto Patrick's shoulder as he tried to recover from his orgasm.

'Wow' Patrick whispered as he slumped against the wall. 'That was unexpected'

'Mmm'

A few precious seconds of silence while Kevin tried to get his thoughts together.

'Don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. Not in the least. I'll never be able to look at this wall again in the same way...not that I ever really looked at this wall. But...I was NOT prepared for this. How am I going to get home? Look at my t-shirt!' Patrick exclaimed, looking down at his chest.

'Mmm'

'Should I keep an extra set of clothes at work for when you want to jump me?' Patrick smiled, and leaning forward, kissed Kevin tenderly on the neck. Kevin grinned, still slumped on Patrick's shoulder.

'But what if someone HAD walked in?'

Kevin sighed and pulling himself together turned to lean against the wall next to Patrick.

'I watched them all leave'

'Wow. Ok. So you were...planning this? You weren't really interested in the module?'

'I couldn't give a fuck about the module, Patrick' Kevin chuckled. 'But no, I wasn't planning it. Just that at some point during the meeting I realized that I wanted you, so I waited.'

'Oh. Thats nice. I think. I better at least bring a spare t-shirt for when the mood strikes you.'

'Or you' Kevin bumped Patrick's shoulder. Patrick grinned and his whole face lit up.

'Oh yeah. So I can jump you if I want to too!' He seemed almost enchanted by the idea.

'I think that's how it works' Kevin laughed. They looked at each other silently, smiling, for a few seconds. Kevin pulled his clean t-shirt off and offered it to Patrick. Patrick raised a questioning eyebrow before taking it.

'I've got a sweater in the office I can wear' Kevin explained.

'I guess there's a practical side to all this that I'd never considered before.' Patrick said, sounding a little bemused as he put himself together.

'You're ok, though?' Kevin asked, suddenly anxious that he'd pushed Patrick too quickly, too far.

Patrick turned to him, hair and clothes rumpled, his eyes bright, mouth swollen again... God, Kevin loved that look on him...and gave Kevin a proper smile.

'I'm fucking great. Best end to a status meeting EVER.' He leaned in and gave Kevin a sweet, brief kiss.

Kevin totally agreed. Best end to a meeting, and best end to a work week, and best start of a Friday evening...A lot of bests. He couldn't see how it could get any better...But it did. In some ways it kept getting better, but in most ways, it got a lot...worse.

In the following weeks Kevin came to think of there being two Patricks. The one that was easy going, with whom he moved so easily, effortlessly into the old patterns of when they would seek each other out, laugh at each other's jokes, and also of course, at each other, and work was fun again as they fell into their old groove. This was the 'Before Richie' Patrick. And then there was the other Patrick. The one who was reserved, held back and avoided Kevin, who treated him like a polite stranger, or more accurately, a boss. This was the 'After Richie' Patrick. Just the way Patrick would say hello in the morning would let Kevin know pretty much which Patrick had shown up to work that day. And as the days went on, more and more, the 'After Richie' Patrick was the one he got. Patrick seemed to be pulling away. True to his word, he never asked Kevin for anything, he never spoke about Jon, never made any demands at all. Which perversely annoyed Kevin. Was he really the only one invested in this in any way?

The brightest spots were the 'events' that happened. Not too frequently, but each one was astonishingly good.

One evening, without explicitly agreeing to it, they had both found themselves waiting, working late, watching as everyone left the office one by one. They kept exchanging smiles, glances...but no words. When everyone had left for the night, Patrick had dragged Kevin into the store room, had produced a condom and some lube from his back pocket and had demanded that Kevin fuck him, now, here, immediately. Kevin had happily complied. It had been slow, leisurely, and...very excellent. Patrick's soft moans and happy sighs had driven Kevin to new heights of inventiveness, and he worked hard to show Patrick how good being fucked on a floor could be. They were both thoroughly rewarded, and Patrick was wonderfully vocal about how much he appreciated all of Kevin's incredible talents. Kevin couldn't stop grinning as Patrick chatted away, lying on the tiny empty floor space, staring up at the racks of printer ink, spare cables, old computer hardware...never had supplies been so sexy.

Then there was that time in the break room, before everyone else had arrived for the morning. Again, without any explicit agreement they had found themselves alone, early, and with one sly grin, Kevin had Patrick where he wanted him. He had pushed Patrick up against the door to make sure no-one could get in, and then, dropping to his knees, had shocked the hell out of Patrick as he took him deep into his throat. He LOVED this. He jerked himself off while he kept Patrick standing with one hand up against his chest, and the other holding him tight at the base of his cock. They had to be silent which added to the tension, and at the end, once Patrick, whispering, warned him he was going to cum he jumped up and kissed the fucking shit out of Patrick to make sure neither of them made any noises, while they brought each other off. That was a day Patrick needed the spare t-shirt he had kept in his bottom draw. That was a very very good day. One of the rare ones.

At home, things were also not going so well, which probably shouldn't surprise Kevin quite as much as it did. Neither Jon nor he had fundamentally changed, but the effort it took to make the small compromises on each of their parts to make living together work...it seemed more frustrating and difficult than before. Jon had less patience for Kevin's work demands and for his distance than usual. Maybe being separated from his friends and family was making him more needy, but Kevin could never give Jon all the focus and attention he wanted, and Jon used to accept that, understand it. Now...he seemed to resent Kevin for not being more...present. And why did Jon not ever find Kevin funny? Had he never been able to make him laugh? He was always so serious, so earnest. No nonsense, which was great in a crisis or when decisions needed to be made, but for fuck's sake...he needed to lighten up a little.

So now, five weeks later he was watching Patrick through his glass cubicle. Spying on him. Kevin reached for his phone and texted Patrick a quick message. Within a minute Patrick was closing Kevin's office door behind him.

'Hey. You needed me?' Patrick asked, all business. Great.

'Err...no. Just...wanted to say hello.' Kevin answered, chewing his bottom lip.

'Oh...ok. Well...Hi. Everything OK?' Patrick said awkwardly.

'Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine.' Kevin felt a desperation he was finding hard to manage. He could sense Patrick slipping away and didn't know what to do about it. He wasn't ready for this to end.

'Listen...Jon's working on Saturday...do you want to maybe...see a movie or something?' He asked, trying to sound casual, unconcerned.

'Oh. Did you forget? I took the day off tomorrow. I'm going up to the Russian River with my friends. Coming back Sunday?'

'Oh...right...I did forget. Sorry. Yeah, your friend's boyfriend's cabin or something.'

'Yeah. Not sure what it will be like but...we just wanted to get away for a few days. You know. Agustin's been pretty much off the rails and we thought a weekend away, we might be able to help get him sober. Maybe.'

Kevin nodded.

'That's nice. Hope it works for him. Did you want to stay late tonight? I could change some plans and maybe we could just...hang out?' Kevin pressed a little harder...He thought they were beyond this but this felt like the days just before the wedding, when he was pursuing Patrick and Patrick was always retreating. Shit.

'Uhm...you know, I think I should go home early tonight. I need to pack and we are leaving really early tomorrow morning so...' Patrick trailed off.

'Of course. Makes sense...You're sure you're ok though?' Kevin tried one last time to break through. Patrick smiled weakly, but his eyes finally engaged with Kevin's. He definitely seemed troubled, and Kevin hated the thought that he might be the cause of Patrick's mood, but he didn't know what to do about it. He was doing his best to get Patrick to open up to him, but there was only so much he could do without totally betraying Jon...and he wasn't ready to go there.

'Yeah. Everything's Ok.' Patrick answered quietly. Smiling, he got up and walked out of Kevin's office.

Well fuck. Why did he feel like Patrick was saying goodbye? He wasn't ready. He didn't want this to end. It wasn't over. Not yet. God...he had let Patrick know what he wanted, had made it as clear as possible, so now...it was up to Patrick. Fuck. This was going to feel like a very long fucking three days...


	7. Chapter 7

_The following Sunday morning_

The drive back from the Russian River seemed to take half as long as the drive up there. Time had a strange way of distorting itself to maximize and amplify the emotions of the moment. On the drive up Kevin had felt a heady mix of anxiety and anticipation and the time had crawled by so slowly. Now, satiated and happy, but dreading the inevitable explanations, or in other words, the lying he would be forced to do, the time was passing too quickly, hurtling him towards 'real life' faster than he wanted to get back to it.

Well, real life was about to take a new turn that he'd not expected. No denying this anymore. Kevin was having an affair. And thank fuck for that.

When Patrick had left the office on Thursday evening Kevin had felt both anxious and despondent. The wall Patrick had put up had seemed impenetrable, so when he received the call in the middle of the night with Patrick demanding he drive up to meet him, he had felt frustrated with him for being so reckless, but at the same time, he had felt such a huge relief. Patrick was finally reaching out to him, asking him for something, asserting his power and it gladdened Kevin.

It was too late to call this anything other than it was. Not a fling, not a casual sexual dalliance, but an affair. Giving it a name almost made him feel better. Obviously this made everything at home more complicated but it also made things clearer. He had spent a lot of energy denying to himself what was happening and perversely that had made each of his relationships more tense. Now things had a name, a category, it would be easier to deal with them. An affair was an illicit relationship where both parties involved knew there was an expiration date and there were rules of behavior. One of those rules was you took every opportunity you could to be together, and didn't have to hide the fact from each other that you wanted to find that time, so no more randomly snatched spontaneous moments. Now there was planning involved, and Kevin was a fucking excellent planner.

So Patrick wanted to do it in a bed. He wanted to fuck somewhere soft and clean for a change Kevin thought with a grin. Well, he would be happy to oblige. It would be his absolute fucking pleasure! At the earliest possible opportunity, no less. Something had switched on in Patrick and for the first time since they'd been together on the office floor, outside of the times they actually had sex, Kevin felt that Patrick was fully engaged and a part of this, and Kevin would do what it took to keep him that way.

God, when he had arrived at the meeting spot and seen Patrick running towards the car, flagging him down...his fucking heart had leapt in joy. Patrick was definitely high, but he was still Patrick, just...amplified. He had dragged Kevin deep into the woods and then proceeded to kiss the living shit out of Kevin, wet, passionate kisses where he basically just latched onto Kevin's mouth and wouldn't let go. The desperation with which Patrick had attacked him was so...hot. And then, growling into his mouth he instructed Kevin to fuck him against a tree. Jesus fucking Christ if he thought he was turned on before...he felt his head would explode from the desire he suddenly felt.

Patrick had wasted no time in getting their pants pulled down...he was getting very adept at zeroing in onto Kevin's cock...and then, within minutes of arriving, Kevin found himself balls deep in Patrick, and feeling like HE was the one on ecstasy. All sensations were so heightened and acute, time had slowed down to a delicious crawl, and with every thrust he made, taking him deeper and deeper, with every gasp and sigh he heard from Patrick, his own passion reached new heights. Fucking Patrick from behind meant he couldn't keep contact with that mouth he loved so much, not that they both didn't try. Patrick had grabbed at his head and tried to keep his own turned so they could keep sucking each other's lips, but eventually he had been so overwhelmed he had had to turn away and lean on the tree in front of him, clutching the thick branches as if they were Kevin himself. But this had given Kevin the opportunity to get even deeper inside, hitting Patrick's p-spot over and over, while he also got to lick and bite at the back of Patrick's exposed neck. More chances to leave his mark. Yes!

When he felt like he couldn't last much longer he had reached around and grabbed Patrick's cock, jerking him off frantically so they could cum together. And when they did...fuck...it was the most erotic thing he had ever experienced.

He has slumped onto Patrick, knowing that he was squashing him into the branch but not particularly caring. He had given him the fuck of his life so a little discomfort wouldn't kill him he thought hazily. And Patrick didn't seem like he was complaining, though he was probably too breathless to talk. Kevin smiled. At last he seemed to have fucked Patrick speechless. Now THAT was an accomplishment to be proud of.

Eventually he pushed himself upright and with a little effort, pulled out of Patrick, who made a small gratifying noise of protest. For someone who hadn't really bottomed much Patrick had certainly come to love it. Kevin knew he was being a bit of a cunt for feeling so proud of that, but he was. HE was the one that has made Patrick want it, crave it...and that felt fantastic.

Patrick's silence obviously couldn't last too long and Kevin was happy to let him chatter on, but then, when he'd ever-so-casually asked if they'd ever do it in a bed, Kevin had felt so incredibly...moved. Patrick wanted more, and he was letting Kevin know it. And if it seemed Patrick had made a decision, then Kevin was not going to question his luck that the decision had gone his way. What Patrick wanted, Patrick would get.

When Kevin had answered Patrick's 'casual' question with sincerity, he had seemed surprised. Kevin couldn't resist kissing his sweet mouth to reassure him.

'Do that again. Maybe it's the Molly but I could feel it in my toes' Patrick had said, holding Kevin's head close.

Kevin could have told him it wasn't the Molly. But instead he kissed him again, tenderly, yearningly.

This was the beginning of the affair.

Patrick had wanted Kevin to stay a little, so he did. They just sat there at the base of the tree they had just fucked against, and Patrick had told him how he had tried to get the others to stay home in Lynn's amazing lake house and play board games but how he had been outvoted and they ended up dancing the night away and Patrick had ended up taking Molly for the first time. He told him about canoeing on the river, seeing lots of naked bears, being called a seal pup, which Kevin found adorable, and then finally he told him that he had felt so horny that he couldn't stop himself and had to call Kevin. Apparently it was Kevin's job now to satisfy all of Patrick's sexual urges.

As dawn grew nearer, Patrick became more melancholy. The effect of the drugs had pretty much worn off, and he didn't want Kevin to leave. But Kevin had to get back and they both knew it. He promised Patrick he would arrange something for them to be together soon, and Patrick had watched him drive away, standing there, one hand in the air saluting him goodbye. Now it was Kevin's turn to feel melancholy, but it was a sweet feeling. One tinged with promise and happiness because they were both finally on the same page.

As he neared home, Kevin forced himself to think about Jon and what this meant for them. He knew Jon had a bunch of travel scheduled for the next few weeks which would make life a little easier, and he also knew that Jon was looking forward to the time apart as much as he was. A part of Kevin almost wished Jon would confront him with his own dissatisfaction and they could...maybe...move on, but he knew that Jon was loyal to a fault and he loved Kevin, so there was no way Jon would initiate any sort of discussion that could bring their relationship to a brink they might not be able to come back from. Which left Kevin feeling responsible as well as guilty. Jon went for the passive aggressive route. Not openly accusing Kevin of being withholding or distant, not ever voicing out loud the many sacrifices he had made for Kevin or how little Kevin gave in return, but letting Kevin know through little comments, gentle 'jokes', frequent references to how much he missed his family...basically making Kevin feel like shit even BEFORE he factored in his behavior with Patrick. Sure, Jon's new job was going well, but it was frustrating to have to rebuild a reputation and he had to prove himself over and over again with the team. Sure, San Francisco was fun, but they barely knew anyone here and Kevin never introduced him to anyone from work so it fell to Jon to rebuild their social life. Sure, Kevin's job was a great opportunity, but the hours it demanded, was it ultimately worth it to design and build...video games? And of course, skyping almost daily with one or other of his big boisterous family so he wouldn't have to miss some niece's birthday, or the family dog giving birth to a litter of puppies, or so his mum could reassure herself her big beautiful son was staying healthy and remembering to eat properly. No one outrightly accused Kevin of taking the golden child away, but every phone call Jon had with them left him feeling more shitty. Which was fucking ridiculous. They were both adults for god's sake. Who picked where they lived based on their fucking parents! You went where the work was, or where the most exciting city was, or where your lover was. That's how adults behaved.

Kevin had to reign in his feelings of resentment. Even if Jon let it be known that he didn't love this compromise, he had still made it, and of the two of them, Jon was still the one that gave more than he took.

Fuck. Who would have thought that a needy, insecure hot mess like Patrick would be more restful for Kevin than good old solid Jon. Or maybe he wasn't restful so much as...complimentary, like his jagged edges fit Kevin's and they locked in place comfortably, whereas Jon and Kevin, their smooth edges just had them sliding off each other, always somehow missing a connection.

He would have to make up some bullshit about a backup power outage which had threatened to take down their servers or something. Fortunately Jon never paid enough attention to what Kevin's job actually entailed so he wouldn't really understand, but he did know enough to realize video game emergencies were rare and unlikely. So he had to make this one pretty major. Even Jon would respect the idea of crashing servers.

Fuck. As Kevin pulled into the parking lot he felt a strangely familiar pain begin at the top of his neck, just below his skull. No fucking way. This couldn't be a migraine. He hadn't had one of those in years. But yes, this felt very recognizable. Shit. He was going to need to put Jon off for the next few hours because what he needed now was some sleep and if possible, some pills. Thank god Jon was a doctor and could get him some of the strong stuff. Please please please let Jon still be asleep and oblivious. There was some hope since he hadn't received a call or text. If he could just pass out in bed and let this headache pass, then he could face Jon later.

Feeling like crap, Kevin made his way up to their apartment from the garage. In the elevator his phone buzzed. Shit. He was being texted. Dread filled his body as he imagined Jon wondering where the hell he was but as he looked at his phone, a weary smile spread across his face. It was Patrick.

'Thanks for helping out with the problem. Couldn't have fixed it without you. You have amazing skills. Looking forward to tackling more issues together in the future.'

Cheeky little shit. A perfectly innocuous message should anyone else see it but crystal clear to him. Kevin typed back a message.

'Happy to help. You are pretty good at this stuff yourself. Don't underestimate your abilities. I was well impressed. Management will definitely want to show their appreciation for all your efforts. Keep up the good work. Get some sleep.'

Feeling at peace though the migraine was intensifying, Kevin let himself into the apartment and gratefully crawled into bed beside the still-sleeping Jon.

Explanations would wait till later thank god.

_Sunday evening_

'Maybe you should see a neurologist. We have a great guy on staff at the Giants. I'll book you an appointment' Jon was fussing, sitting next to Kevin on the sofa in the living room, holding his hand, stroking his fingers.

'It's fine. It was just a headache' Kevin tried to reassure him.

'You've never had a migraine before. They don't usually happen in isolation so I'd like to see if there's something else going on.'

'I told you, I had these as a kid. It's just...the stress...at work. You know, the project deadlines.'

'Well tell them that you can't keep working these hours then. And last night? Did the boss really have to go in and handle this emergency? Don't you have people you pay to do these things for you?' Jon sounded exasperated.

'It was potentially a big crisis. I had to be there. There was a whole bunch of us. I wasn't the only one. And anyway, I can't cut back on work, we've got to deliver the product or we start to lose our return on the whole R&D phase.' Kevin squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head in his hand. How the fuck did these lies slip so easily from him? Avoiding the truth was one thing, but here he was, actually spinning lines of crap which Jon was totally believing. He was such a piece of shit.

Jon stroked Kevin's head. Kevin looked up at him, to see him smiling sympathetically. Kevin just stared at him, looking at his beloved, familiar face, but... it was almost as if he was looking at a stranger. Or maybe he was just looking at him through new eyes. He wasn't comparing him to Patrick. They were so ridiculously different even though they had ostensibly come from the same sort of upper class WASP up-bringing, so comparisons were moot. It wasn't that one was better looking, or smarter, or funnier, or sexier or that there was even any one metric that could be used to measure them against each other...at the end of the day it just came down to how he felt when he was with them, and...that scared him. 

How could you measure the value of familiarity and security versus the new and challenging. Wouldn't the new become old? Wouldn't the challenges be conquered and become boring? Was he just the type of man who would never fully settle down but always be restless, looking for a new thrill? He hadn't thought so, and he didn't want that to be true, but was that what all the little indiscretions meant, and now this affair? Was it more about him not being able to commit and less about Jon and Patrick? Him not being able to value the people in his life properly and always looking for something different?

'I'm sorry' he blurted out, surprising even himself.

'About what?'

'I haven't thanked you properly, for everything you've done. For me. For us. Moving here, and before then...putting up with me. I know it hasn't always been easy.'

'Well, I know I'm not always a picnic either. I know I've made it a little harder for you these past few weeks. I miss Seattle, but I promise, I'm making an effort. And I'll do better. And, by the way, you've been totally worth it. It hasn't been too bad putting up with you. You Brits are a little hard to crack, but, sarcasm and aloofness aside, you're not too bad' Jon teased.

Kevin smiled, grateful to Jon for having eased the tension. 

'You've been...amazing. You're a good man. I'm not sure I deserve you'

'Deserve me? I'm not a prize you know. You didn't win me at an auction. I chose to be with you Kevin because I love you, and...it's pretty much as simple as that.'

Kevin nodded, and Jon leaned forward to kiss him.

'Would you let me make that appointment for you? I would feel much better if we could just check it out.'

'I told you, I've had them before. Not for about 20 years, but, they'll go away, as soon as this...project is over.' Kevin squeezed Jon's hand.

'Ok. If you say so. What do I know...I'm only a doctor. Maybe we should try cutting out gluten from our diets for a while. It wouldn't be a bad thing anyway and you would probably feel a lot less stressed and tired.'

'Whatever you think best, Jon.' This was comfortable, safe ground. Jon liked to take charge and this was an area Kevin happily conceded to him on. Compromise. Whereby two strong-willed personalities found common ground and the ability to live in relative harmony with each other. He had to remember that. Compromise wasn't glamorous, it was't romantic, it wasn't passionate, but it was necessary and it was the bedrock of a solid relationship, and he and Jon had found a workable set over the past two years...and even though it wasn't perfect, as if anything ever could be, it WAS working, and most of the time, working pretty well.

But. Even as he looked at Jon and felt a familiar glow of warmth and contentment spread through him, as they held hands and smiled peacefully at each other...even as he felt grateful and humbled  that a man like Jon had found him worthwhile...he knew he wasn't giving up Patrick. He was addicted to the feelings Patrick brought out in him, and like any addict he would feed this addiction until forced to stop. And though that made him a cheat and a liar, he still wasn't a total bastard. Jon didn't deserve to get hurt. Neither did Patrick. He would make sure no-one got hurt. Boundaries. Compartments. He had to stick to boundaries, and he had to keep what was happening to him and Patrick in a compartment. Private, secret and fleeting...and very, very precious.

And maybe he didn't fully understand what was happening, and he didn't have all the answers to what this meant about him, what this said about his character, what it implied about his future, but what he did know was that as well as experiencing some of the most horrible feelings of guilt and self-doubt these past few months, he had also experienced some of the most acute feelings of passion, desire and obsession...and it felt...fucking great to be so alive. More alive than he'd ever felt before. 

So no...he was NOT giving this up. Not just yet. Just a little longer. Just a little more of Patrick Murray. Just...more.


	8. Do What You Like

Commuting to work the following Wednesday morning, Kevin found himself unusually cheerful. It's wasn't that he was generally a moody git but nor did he often find himself uncontrollably grinning at strangers on public transport. He was more of an even-keeled sort of character, he liked to think. Not given to dramatic emotional swings, not given to external expressions of feelings like the bloody Americans...so finding himself this obviously happy was definitely...different.

Patrick Fucking Murray, he thought to himself. Not only was he now having an affair that he had to arrange, he had also been given a fucking homework assignment to do. A gay Top Trumps for smart phones. Stupid fucking idea. He couldn't wait.

He was actually going to start on it last night as a surprise for Patrick, but he'd got another one of his headaches. Since coming back from the Russian River on Sunday he'd been getting them every day, sometimes more than once, but he was managing them. Popping the fucking advil like candies. He had to keep that from Jon too.

He didn't care. Well...that wasn't exactly true. He did care, but...not enough. Yesterday had been pretty awesome, and as well as being addicted to having sex with Patrick, he could see himself seriously becoming addicted to making him laugh, to having Patrick look at him with that mixture of hunger and fascination that managed to be both sweet and sexy at the same time, to listening to his silly stories, to making him happy...though he knew he'd failed at that last bit when they'd got back to the office.

He didn't mean to bring Patrick down, but Patrick needed to understand that however enthusiastically they had now thrown themselves into this whole thing, they needed to be discreet. When Patrick had confessed to him that he'd told his friends Dom and Agustin about their...encounters, he had felt a strange mixture of emotions. On the one hand, he was sort of glad that Patrick found it important enough to tell them. If this was nothing but casual sex he probably wouldn't have done that, but then maybe he was wrong and they shared this sort of information with each other all the time. Kevin had no idea what any of Patrick's friends were like. Obviously he was a little annoyed as well, because Patrick was putting this affair in jeopardy by telling people, and having to give this up would make Kevin really very...sad. And then there was this unwelcome realization that there were now people out there in this world that probably thought he was a lying, cheating scumbag and who might well try to turn Patrick against him. That felt pretty shitty. Patrick had tried to assure him that his friends wouldn't judge Kevin like that, but he was just being naive. He didn't know these people, but, if they cared for Patrick they would hardly like the idea that he was being lured into an affair by his boss. Jesus, just thinking those words made him cringe. 

On paper, he WAS a lying cheating scumbag who had lured an employee into an affair. But...that didn't take into account the feelings. He knew he wouldn't be able to explain to anyone, but he never saw Patrick as an employee that he could steamroller into anything. All through this it was Patrick that was setting the pace, Patrick that decided how far any of this could or would go, and Kevin felt helpless in the face of the feelings that Patrick brought up in him. He knew no one would ever understand but in reality, he felt almost that he had been seduced by Patrick. By his sweetness, his humor, his beauty, his underlying innate sensuality that he hid behind his wholesome charm and awkwardness. Fuck. That was just excuses and no one would buy them and rightly so. No one had seduced anyone. They both went into this with eyes wide open, knowing that it was wrong and that either or both of them should have resisted. So, if they were people out there who thought he was an immoral shit, they were probably right. What made it exponentially worse was that he wasn't going to stop. And he fucking hoped Patrick's friends wouldn't make him stop either.

Seeing Patrick whispering to Owen when they had returned to work from the Morwood hotel had pushed Kevin over the edge though. It was one thing to tell his friends, but Patrick HAD to know he couldn't tell anyone at work. He'd watched them chat for a few seconds through his glass office walls, but called Patrick's extension to summon him as soon as he saw Owen's horrified expression. What the fuck was Patrick telling him? He'd felt a headache starting just at the thought of the looming mess. Patrick had tried to joke about it, and eventually Kevin realized that he'd misunderstood the situation, but... Patrick HAD to realize how important discretion was. And he finally got the message through. Patrick sobered up pretty quickly, and the whole afternoon became a bit...shitty. He didn't like to see Patrick chastened. He liked him happy and laughing, like he had been earlier. He might have even called him back but the fucking headache had hit full force and by the time the advil had kicked in he had to start a round of new design meetings and then...Patrick was gone. 

That evening at home with Jon was difficult too. Every word he had spoken to Jon felt false and stilted, and he was totally bewildered that Jon didn't seem to notice how awkward and uncomfortable he was feeling. But it seemed that Jon didn't find Kevin's distance particularly strange, which was a little damning in and of itself. Fortunately Jon wasn't feeling particularly amorous this evening, so Kevin didn't have to deal with the issue of not wanting to have sex. It was usually him that initiated anyway, having the stronger sex drive of the two of them, so again Jon didn't seem to realize that anything was wrong, and Kevin had to live with the guilt of duping an intelligent, trusting man who at best would live his life in ignorance, and at worst, would one day feel the horror of betrayal and the humiliation of having been a fool.

And the fact that he was feeling happy the very next morning, that was probably something he'd never be able to make anyone understand. That despite a sour afternoon and a pretty shitty evening, the time he had spent with Patrick at the Morwood had been so totally fucking worth any of that crap that came after.

The arrangements had been easy to make, finding a hotel barely 15 minutes away, but still in a part of town that no-one they knew would ever be in. He couldn't wait to tell Patrick, but he also wanted to surprise him, so he hadn't mentioned anything all morning. For the first time he was grateful for the stupid glass box of an office they had given him, because he got to watch Patrick's reaction as he read the text Kevin sent him, instructing him to meet him at the bus stop in 30 minutes. Patrick's back had straightened and he'd turned instantly to search for Kevin in his office, his expression of shock and disbelief eventually giving way to a sly grin as he caught Kevin's eyes. He had turned back to his computer, but 15 minutes later had casually walked out of the office, with just one quick glance and smile back into Kevin's cube.

The bus ride to the hotel had been tense, but the type of tense that was delicious and excruciating at the same time. They had sat next to each other but kept very much to their own physical space, as if just the slightest touch might set them off. Kevin had been pretty silent. Feeling nervous made him less talkative than usual, which of course, was the exact opposite of Patrick who seemed to find it necessary to fill every spare second with chatter. He mostly talked about the project and office gossip, neutral subjects that would sound innocuous to anyone overhearing them. Kevin would nod and smile in all the right places, but he was barely listening, and Patrick must have known it because he eventually trailed off and just sat staring ahead, rubbing his hands repeatedly on his thighs. Kevin wanted to comfort him, but he was too wound up himself to be of any use. This was a fucking huge step. He was more than ready.

Checking into the hotel he could practically feel the hum of energy coming off Patrick, who could barely keep still and was almost bouncing on his toes. The walk to the room seemed fucking endless, and still they kept a respectful distance between them, though everyone they met in the hallways would obviously know exactly what they were here for. Even once they got into the room, Patrick couldn't stop moving, walking straight to the window and peering out, then making a quick tour of the bathroom before coming out and standing awkwardly by the bed, clenching and unclenching his hands into fists. Kevin had removed his jacket and thrown it and his backpack onto a chair, but otherwise had remained with his back to the door, watching him. Patrick had copied Kevin almost on autopilot, throwing his own jacket and bag on the table. Then, they stood standing there for a few seconds just staring at each other, until Kevin's heart had finally calmed down enough for him to be able to give Patrick a genuine, full-on, happy grin. As if a switch had been flipped, Patrick seemed to just...wind down, to finally relax, and the smile he gave Kevin...it was a thing of beauty.

Patrick had walked up to Kevin by the door, leaving barely an inch between them.

'I know I asked for a bed' he whispered, his lips lightly grazing Kevin's 'but I think I want to start right here first'. And with that, he'd dropped to his knees, unzipped Kevin's pants and took him in his mouth with one smooth motion. Kevin's head dropped back against the door, and he steadied himself with one hand on Patrick's head and the other on the wall. Fuck...he wasn't going to last two minutes if Patrick didn't stop, but Patrick seemed to have no intention of doing that at all.

'Stop' he tried to tug Patrick away, gripping his hair. 'I don't want to cum yet' he panted.

Patrick leaned back on his heels and looked up at him, eyes glossy, mouth wet and glistening...

'What's your recovery time?' he asked. Kevin's brain stuttered.

'What?' 

Patrick just raised an eyebrow while taking Kevin's cock in his hand and stroking it leisurely.

'I want you to cum like this, then I want you to fuck me. Can you do that in the time we have?'

Kevin nodded, speechless. 

'Then stop pulling me off you' he said and got back to giving Kevin the most glorious blow job ever. He had such a fricking talented mouth. That oral fixation thing was going to be the death of Kevin...but what a way to go. This time the hand clenched in Patrick's hair was to keep his head in place rather than to tug him off.

'Fuck...I'm gonna cum' he managed to say, warning Patrick, giving him the chance to pull away. Patrick jumped up and grabbing Kevin away from the door, turned him round and tore off Kevin's t-shirt before pushing him to the bed. He grabbed Kevin's cock and stroked him fiercely, as he started kissing his way up Kevin's chest, to his nipple which he licked lightly before biting down on it gently.

'Shit...I'm coming' Kevin gasped, and Patrick ground his mouth down onto Kevin's, taking all his groans and sighs deep into his mouth as Kevin came all over himself. Not letting go of Kevin's cock, he slowed down the strokes and leisurely petted him, while he continued to kiss Kevin, alternating between light licks with his tongue and small bites. God...that mouth.

'Fuck' Kevin panted. He felt boneless, unable to move, totally spent. 

'Don't get too comfortable' Patrick growled in his ear. 'You still have work to do'. Kevin laughed as Patrick smiled his sly, sexy half smile. Then, with a quick kiss, Patrick jumped up and started pulling off his own clothes, treating Kevin to a show that he enjoyed thoroughly and which substantially helped shorten his recovery time.

Kevin had wondered briefly if sex in a bed with Patrick would turn out to be less exciting than the more illicit sex they'd had to this point, on the floor, against a tree, but it didn't take very long for him to realize the answer was a resounding no. And this time, as well as all the noises, the panting, moaning, the whispered pleas to go faster, deeper, harder...as well as all that sensory overload, they were fucking in the daylight, with sun streaming in and illuminating Patrick's body, his face... and Kevin got to watch Patrick's eyes widen with astonished pleasure, got to watch him gasping as he reached for his climax, trying to keep his eyes open and focused on Kevin but unable to do anything but close them at the very end as he arched up to find Kevin's mouth with his own and just devour his lips. Nothing ordinary about sex in a bed with Patrick...

And then the post-sex lingering had been...revelatory. Patrick was always energized after sex, and getting to lie there, comfortably, while Patrick happily chatted away was the icing on this particular, delicious cake. Kevin found himself sharing a simple story, of a childhood crush, a sudden realization of his own sexuality, a silly boy band infatuation, and Patrick was...enchanted. That full focus that he gave, the desire he showed to know every stupid little detail, that was such a sweet gift. The man loved to talk about himself, but he also loved to listen, soaking up every bit of information shared as if he couldn't get enough. That was how he had been before, when they used to spend their weekends working together. Fascinating and fascinated. 

Kevin had made the mistake of telling Patrick about the ridiculously embarrassing dance he had made up to a Take That song from ages ago, and he could tell Patrick really wanted to see the dance, but also held back from insisting, for which he was grateful, because really, it was just too fucking embarrassing and Kevin felt suddenly just a little too...exposed. But after, as he reflected back on their time in the hotel, he couldn't help but wonder if Patrick had maybe felt...un-entitled to ask for more from Kevin. He had been sexually aggressive, but emotionally, he had not pushed. Boundaries and compartments.

Kevin had distracted him by showing him the Top Trumps game he had spoken to him about weeks ago, when they had been in their close, sharing phase. He had bought the game off e-bay hoping to surprise Patrick with it on one of their weekend working marathons, but then...Richie had happened, and then all the rest of it, so...he had just put the game away. Today, their first official planned encounter had seemed like the perfect time to show Patrick, and as expected, he had fallen in love with the game, and then, totally NOT as expected, had somehow talked Kevin into a project where they would be building a smart phone app together based on the old game, but with a gay twist. He just couldn't say no to him, except when it came to showing him that dance, but that was more about feeling like a total wanker, dancing for someone...just a little too raw.

The bus ride back to the office had been a lot more relaxed and fun, now that they had gotten all the initial awkwardness and tension out of the way, and Kevin had hoped the satisfied happy glow would continue and last at least until he got home...to face Jon, but, then all that crap had happened, about who now knew and who didn't, and what they knew, and who couldn't be told... and he had had to burst Patrick's little bubble of happiness by reminding him that this was, after all, an affair that had to be kept secret, hidden...and the day had turned to shit.

But all that time together in the hotel, that had been magical, and that's why Kevin was in a good mood today. Because he knew he could have more of that, and would have more of it as soon as he could. Not just the sex, but the whole lovely package. The laughing and the teasing, and the sharing and the understanding. As much of it as he could get, that's how much he wanted.

He had settled down to look over some progress reports, when he heard the door open to his office, and Patrick walked in. Fuck. He couldn't deny that he loved to see Patrick, but he really needed to get some work done after having spent most of yesterday afternoon either away from the office or trying to work through a blinding headache.

'Hey' Patrick had said simply.

'Err, you can't come in and tease me like this Patrick' Kevin chided. 'Lunch is still hours away.'

'I'm not hungry'

'Fantastic, neither am I' he replied offhandedly, trying to focus on the status reports. God...he was so behind on his work...Patrick was going to be very bad for his concentration if he didn't enforce some discipline.

'I lost my appetite when I was getting my H.I.V. test.' Patrick spoke seriously.

Kevin's felt nothing for a glorious second as the words took a moment to penetrate his brain, and then...pure panic rushed through his entire body as he turned to stare at Patrick. What....?

'Why were you getting an H.I.V. test?' he managed to ask, his heart now racing 

'Because I freaked out. Because this is clearly freaking me out.' 

He was freaked out? What the fuck happened? Why did he get an aids test? What was...happening?

'What is?' he asked, again, barely able to put his thoughts into words.

'This. Us. Sitting in this glass box, pretending we're not fucking.'

Jesus christ...Kevin didn't know what to deal with first. Patrick was freaking out, but was he sick? Kevin just didn't understand...he had to put things in order.

'Ok, hang on. What is your status?' he asked, barely breathing...

'I'm negative' Fuck...thank fucking god. But Patrick was continuing...'What about you? I don't even know if you're positive or negative'

Jesus, the adrenaline was actually making him feel sick. The thought of anything being wrong...then putting himself and, worse, Jon in jeopardy...christ...he had to pull himself together.

'Jesus Christ Patrick. I'm negative, Patrick. Does that make you feel any better?' he couldn't help but feel pissed at himself along with the overwhelming sense of relief that was now coursing through him. They were all Ok. No one was sick. They were OK, but Jesus, they were lucky...who the fuck still had unprotected sex in this day and age? 

'No actually, it doesn't' Oh right. Patrick and his freak out. Kevin had barely recovered from the shock of the aids scare, and now he had to deal with this...He had to calm himself the fuck down, and then, he had to somehow figure out what to do with Patrick.

'Kevin, what are we doing?' Patrick asked, in a voice he had never heard before. He really was on a razor thin edge. Kevin had never seen him so serious, so determined. He could try to placate Patrick with simple reassurances, pretty half-lies, platitudes, but...he deserved more from Kevin.

'I don't know' Which was the fucking awful god damned truth. He didn't know what he was doing. He only knew what he wanted. Which was for this not to end.

'Well I don't know either. But why do I feel so alone in this?'

No. That wasn't fair. Could he really think that? That Kevin wasn't as much a part of this as Patrick was? That he didn't have the same conflicted feelings? That he didn't feel torn and guilty but still unable to stop? Could he really believe that? Hadn't Kevin shown him...?

'Well you're not alone in this Patrick because I'm a fucking mess. Ok? I'm getting these fucking migraines which I've not had since I was a kid...which come to think of it was the last time I had to hide...how I was feeling' There...he couldn't make it any clearer. Cards on the fucking table.

'Well I'm sorry that you're having migraines but that does make me feel a little bit better'

Kevin chuckled wryly. Good old Patrick. Couldn't, or wouldn't, hide how he was feeling.

'Jesus. You're not alone in this. Next time you freak out, don't fucking panic and have an aids test. Call me. Ok?' 

'Ok' Patrick had answered, still somewhat despondent and obviously not yet ready to put this behind them. What had happened between yesterday and today? He knew Patrick had been upset at the reminder to be discreet, but...there must be something more to it than that. He seemed very alone. Very withdrawn. Like that post-Richie Patrick he hoped he'd never see again, but different, as if he was scared of this thing between them and suddenly vulnerable. Did he feel vulnerable to Kevin? All this time Kevin had felt he was the one who was at the mercy of Patrick's whim, but...could Patrick feel the same? He had to show him that he was safe, that Kevin didn't want to hurt him, that he really....cared about him. 

And it suddenly seemed obvious what he could do. He wasn't very good with words, not like Patrick, and anything he said now would just sound opportunistic, but...he could give something to Patrick he knew he wanted. A small thing, but something Patrick knew wasn't really particularly small at all. Could he do it? Could he expose himself, embarrass himself, more completely now here in this fucking glass cubicle than he would have back at the hotel?

For Patrick? Yes.

'I remembered the uhm...the dance moves to my routine.' He ventured shyly. Ahh...a little smile.

'Your routine?'

'D'you wanna see it?' he asked casually. Now Patrick was intrigued...

'Now?' Patrick seemed disbelieving.

'Yeah'

Patrick looked around, obviously noting all the people in the office...totally engaged and finally seeming a little happier.

'Yeah. Really?'

'Fuck it'. Kevin got up and gave himself a mental shaking. This would be excruciating, but worth it if he could make Patrick happy and feel more secure about...them.

'All right. This is for you.' He hoped Patrick got the message. He hoped this humiliation would be worth it. Patrick's delighted laugh before he had even started gladdened Kevin's heart and gave him the confidence he needed to go through with this...horrifying ordeal.

'Shh...I need to concentrate' he joked...and then...fuck it, leap of faith...he started his dance.

And yes, those outside the cubicle looked in and stopped to watch, but more importantly, Patrick was enchanted, and laughing and clapping. Like he had been given the best present ever. 

'Wow' he grinned.

'Thank you, thank you' Kevin clowned before he took his seat, glad that it was over. 'See...that was worth the wait' he turned back to his computer, trying to calm himself down, bring his racing heart under control. But he heard Patrick say quietly...

'Yes it was' and he was glad. It looked like they'd survived this crisis. Somehow he'd known what to do. What Patrick needed. And that was reward enough.

'God I feel like a total dick. I'm sweating' he laughed, looking over at Patrick, who seemed to be staring at him with some sort of wonder. Fucking roller coaster ride. In just two days he'd felt the most extreme emotions from the heights of sexual pleasure and the joys of genuine connection, to the lows of guilt, self recriminations, fear...was this what having an affair with Patrick Murray was going to be like? Fuck it...bring it on. Totally worth it.


	9. An Affair to Remember

Managing an affair was a complicated process. Kevin hadn't realized how much planning and negotiating would be needed, especially as new parameters were constantly being introduced. First off, there was Patrick's insistence that they couldn't get away with long lunch breaks, because Owen was not going to be easily fobbed off with excuses for his absence. Then, there was the fact that the project deadlines were looming and so everybody was pretty much working long hours and hanging around the office until the late evenings. Jon's schedule was also unpredictable and he would often not know from day to day if he would be working into the evening or not. All of which made Kevin's head spin as he tried to find time for him and Patrick to get to spend together.

Fortunately the world of video game designers was populated by die-hard nerds who stayed up till the early hours of the morning gaming with each other, so they had found that almost without fail they could have the office pretty much to themselves till at least 9 in the morning. Morning sex had become a somewhat regular occurrence for the two of them, and though it was excellent fun, and probably the greatest way to start the day...Kevin, and he hoped Patrick too, yearned for more.

Yearning. That was a pretty accurate way to describe Kevin's predominant feeling these days. And this wasn't exactly part of the plan. He was supposed to be working this crush out of his system, and yet the more time he spent with Patrick, the more all-consuming his desire to be with him seemed to grow. The crush had definitely become an infatuation. But it had to stop at that.

So Kevin had tried a new game of sorts. He decided to catalog each and every one of Patrick's flaws and repeat them to himself, almost like a mantra, forcing himself to imagine what it would be like if he had to put up with them in the long term.

Patrick was a drama queen, almost pathologically unable to contain himself when he was anxious or nervous, or when he was excited or happy. Kevin couldn't stand drama. There was nothing soothing about living with drama in your life. Running from crisis to crisis, constantly having to put out fires, constantly having to try to diffuse situations. That would be a fucking nightmare to live with for someone like Kevin, who valued control above practically all else.

Patrick was still a prude in some ways. Kevin had definitely pushed him and introduced him to new things, but there were some things he just wouldn't do. He wouldn't swallow when he was giving head, and despite having such a talented mouth, he was still squeamish and uncomfortable with more of the intimate oral activities, which Kevin knew he would eventually find annoying. It was just bloody childish.

He also needed affirmation, and not just from Kevin. It seemed he was very concerned about what his friends thought. He was always looking for approval from somebody or other, and that lack of confidence was ridiculous. Kevin couldn't imagine having to constantly bolster up somebody's ego. Fucking tiring and not what he was into at all.

All in all, Patrick was a bit of hot mess. Kevin knew that it would be madness to give up the compatibility and dependable predictability he currently shared with Jon just because... the sex was off the charts hot.

Or because he was temporarily finding the drama invigorating.

Or because he was currently enjoying the challenge of overcoming Patrick's sexual inhibitions one at a time.

Or because being needed by Patrick made him feel...wanted in a way he'd never experienced before.

Of course Jon was needy too, but in a different way. Whereas Kevin could tell Jon sometimes resented the fact that he wasn't more open and communicative with Jon, or that he didn't seem to feel the need to share more of his inner life, Patrick didn't seem to find Kevin's closed off attitude a problem. More of a challenge, if anything. And through his own relentless over-sharing and constant analyzing he somehow managed to ferret information out of Kevin about his feelings, his opinions, his thoughts without Kevin even realizing it until the conversation was over.

The one area Patrick never touched though, was his relationship with Jon. Except for once...near the beginning, before their proper affair had begun. That first time in the stock room, as they lay next to each after sex, satiated, Patrick had asked casually how Jon was settling in, if he was enjoying his new job, the city...

Kevin had hesitated for a fraction of a second before he gave Patrick as honest an answer as he could.

'Well...' he had started, hesitantly.

'I'm sorry...you don't have to talk about him. That was stupid of me' Patrick had rushed in.

'No, it's not that I don't want to talk about him,' which was a lie because talking about Jon while lying next to Patrick, with Patrick's cum still drying on his chest, was not exactly something he was thrilled about doing. But...it was only natural that Patrick might have questions.

'It's just that, well, it's still early days but he's not loving it. He's having a bit of a hard time adjusting and it makes things a little...tense.'

'It must have been hard for him to leave everything behind' Patrick mused quietly.

'Well yeah, it can be hard. Though, it didn't take me that long to adjust when I moved from England, and San Francisco is hardly some isolated outpost in the fucking Midwest' Kevin had replied, not doing a good job at hiding his frustration and bitterness. Patrick had of course picked up on that.

'So, things are...difficult between you?' He had ventured cautiously.

'We are having....some problems, yes. Listen, I don't want you to think that...'

'Don't worry.' Patrick had hastily interrupted. 'I told you I don't expect anything. I didn't mean to pry.'...and he had gone on to change the subject, and then never raise it again.

Kevin took the easily offered reprieve and counted himself lucky, because Patrick had misunderstood him and it worked in Kevin's favor. Patrick obviously thought Kevin was going to warn him against having expectations, but Kevin had meant to say that he didn't want Patrick to assume he was doing all of this lightly. That this was just a way for Kevin to get his jollies. But that would have opened up a whole can of worms that Kevin wasn't ready to face then. And truthfully, weeks later, he still wasn't.

If he was really happy with Jon, would he have felt such an all consuming desperation to begin and now continue an affair with Patrick? And if he wasn't happy with Jon, why were they still together?

Or was Patrick just...special.

But he'd never believed in that stuff. That one true love crap. What were the fucking chances of meeting the one person you were supposed to be with. Simple knowledge of probability would tell you it was a ridiculous notion. Love was always circumstantial. You just at some point made a choice to...choose. To settle. To stop looking. It couldn't be that Patrick was 'the one' because to be so dependent on another man, to that extent, that was simply...horrifying.

He'd almost prefer the thought that he was a serial cheater, that he would always crave variety... Could it be that cheating ran in his blood?

His mother HAD left his father when he was 14 after having met a bloke that she wanted to be with. But his dad had been an emotionally abusive alcoholic who constantly made his mother feel like shit, and though her second relationship hadn't lasted all that long, she'd had valid reasons for leaving his dad. It seemed though she repeated her pattern and ended up with men that took advantage of her. She was soft, pliable, let herself be put down and belittled. Able to leave her own child behind at the simple command of a man. He wasn't anything like her. He vowed he never would be.

As for his dad, well, he'd mellowed a bit with age and loneliness had made him a little more philosophical, but strangely enough, after his mum had left he'd never really looked for anyone else. He must have loved her in his own twisted way and he pretty much pined for her from the day she left. He wouldn't be like his dad either. Vulnerable to another person. Letting his life be derailed by love.

So no, he hadn't learnt cheating from his parents. From them he'd learnt the lessons that it was important to be in control, and to be vigilant against letting anyone become too vital. Not a parent, not a lover.

And that's why thinking too much about stuff like this just wasn't productive. There were just never any bloody answers.

No one was ever happy all the time. Rough patches were to be expected and the true strength of a relationship was how you handled them. And Jon would be very good, probably better than anyone, at working through this. Kevin knew that if he were to confess to Jon about this affair, Jon would stay with him and work through it. Because that's what committed couples did. And Jon was excellent at commitment.

So the question wasn't if Kevin and Jon were happy, but more how much was Kevin willing to work at making them happy. What was he willing to give up. His job? Patrick? All other men for ever?

Well, he was a fucking coward and he knew it, because he wasn't even going to try and answer this question until he had to. Jon was clueless, Patrick wasn't pushing him...so he could neatly avoid having to make any decisions, any choices.

Which was just great because it looked like it was going to take a little longer to work through the infatuation than he had first anticipated. And obviously cataloguing Patrick's faults wasn't helping, as it just seemed to highlight how captivated he was by the stupid git. The only course of action that was palatable to him was to keep seeing Patrick as much as he possibly could, so he had better step us his planning skills, because office sex wasn't cutting it.

Morning sex in the office was good, great even, but it wasn't bedroom sex. Having had a taste of that, he wanted more. He wanted space to move around in, to have Patrick in different positions in. He wanted to have him kneeling on the floor, with his face pushed into the mattress. He wanted to sit in a plush comfortable armchair and have Patrick blow him. Slowly. He wanted to lie in a bed and 69 with him, maybe push Patrick to be a bit bolder with that talented tongue of his. He wanted to fuck Patrick from behind with his face plastered against the shower door and hot water running down their bodies. He wanted to fuck Patrick while forcing him to look at them in a mirror, forcing him to keep his beautiful eyes open and focused on them...he bet Patrick couldn't do that for long. He wanted to lick him from head to toe, and mark up his body with a string of love bites that would take days to disappear. And he wanted to make love to Patrick slowly, sweetly, kissing his gorgeous mouth, gripping his soft hair, face to face, listening to his heartbeat, feeling his breath, staring into his eyes...on a soft bed, with no clock ticking, no outside pressure...just the two of them in their own cocoon.

And then he wanted some other things too. A simple dinner at a restaurant. Some good food, a bottle of good wine, then drunk horny sex. Or a date at a movie theater, sitting in the back row, making out, feeling him up, getting him hot and bothered and then dragging him back to a room where he could keep him on the edge of coming for hours...

That last one had almost happened. Jon was supposed to go to some fancy dinner thingy and Kevin, calculating that he'd be free and clear by eight, had arranged to meet Patrick at the movies. He didn't care what was playing, he didn't intend to watch the screen. But Jon decided at the last minute that he was too tired to go and wanted to just spend a nice night in, just the two of them. Kevin was a little shocked at how angry he felt. He hated having to text Patrick and tell him he wasn't showing up. It made everything a little sordid, a little seedy. Worse than that, Jon had decided that their evening together should include sex and though it wasn't the first time that he'd had sex with Jon since the affair began, it was the first time he had had angry resentful sex, and it scared him. That he could do that to someone he loved. He hadn't hurt Jon, but he'd used him very coldly. Almost impersonally. Jon had looked at him after it was over, a little confused, but had chosen not to say anything. Fuck.

Patrick had been understanding at being stood up. Undemanding. The next day Kevin broke the long lunch break rule and took Patrick to a hotel again. Not the Morwood because Patrick was paranoid about bed bugs all of a sudden and insisted on checking the bed bug register before he would agree to any location. Which was fine with Kevin. He didn't give a shit which hotel it was as long as it had a chair, a bed and a shower. He was going to work through some of his bucket list. This time they took a cab, and Kevin spent the ride whispering the list of things he wanted to do to and with Patrick in Patrick's ear, watching that inevitable blush spread across his gorgeous face as he swallowed restlessly.

In the end they decided they would each got to choose one thing they wanted to do, and Patrick was immediately taken with the shower idea, so Kevin suggested they start with a quick 69 on the bed, set as a challenge to see who could bring the other one off first. Kevin had cheated because he didn't have Patrick's sense of fair play and knew if he tagged Patrick's p-spot he could make him come in no time. So he did.

'That's not fair' Patrick had complained, lying on the bed, breathless and sticky. He didn't like losing.

'We didn't set any rules' Kevin reminded him. 'And you still have work to do' he pointed to his own cock, still hard and waiting for Patrick's mouth.

'A blow job is a blow job. It doesn't involve wondering fingers!'

'You are a sore loser Patrick Murray' Kevin had teased him.

'It doesn't really feel like losing when I've just had a fucking fantastic orgasm' Patrick laughed. 'I know I'm supposed to return the favor, but I feel like you should forfeit since you broke the blow job rules.'

'If you think I'm going to lie here and not make you finish what you started...'

'Oh don't worry...I'm going to finish you off. I had a few tricks prepared myself' Patrick leaned over and began licking Kevin gently, softly, maddeningly...

'Come on...do it.' Kevin urged him, trying to get himself into Patrick's mouth.

'I will. I absolutely will.' Patrick promised, smattering tiny kisses all over Kevin before licking his way up and down, over and over.

'Please...' Kevin panted. Patrick grinned.

'Don't you want to know my trick?' He asked, in a low, sensual growl.

'Just fucking...'

'I'm going to suck you dry, and swallow every drop. I'm not going to let you go till you're totally wrung out. Would you like that?' and before Kevin could answer, Patrick had swallowed him deep and began giving him the best head of his life. And with the idea that he was going to cum in Patrick's mouth, that he was going to be able to finish like that...Kevin lasted barely a minute more before his orgasm ripped through him.

Patrick and his clever mouth.

To show his gratitude, Kevin made shower sex all about Patrick. No teasing, no holding him on the brink, just lovely hard, deep fucking with Patrick's face smashed against the shower wall and Kevin's hands bringing him off. It had taken them a long time to recover from that, and their skin had turned wrinkled and pruny, but neither of them cared...

They'd only managed one more hotel date though, this time in the early evening, but it had been hurried because Kevin had to meet Jon and some of his colleagues for dinner. Though quick, the sex had as usual been quite excellent. Kevin couldn't see himself getting tired of this any time soon. But after the sex, with the knowledge that Kevin was going directly to Jon, there was a slight pall in the air between them.

'Look, I'm sorry I have to run' Kevin had apologized for the tenth time as he was dressing. 'You can stay as long as you want...' Which was a totally stupid thing to say.

'It's ok. I understand' Patrick had been slower to get out of the bed, but he was picking up his fallen clothes off the floor and putting himself together.

'I wish I could stay' Kevin couldn't help adding.

'Me too. That would be nice. But...I'm fine really. I get it.' Patrick insisted. Kevin stopped buttoning his shirt and walked up to Patrick, putting his hands on Patrick's arms. They stared at each other in silence for a few moments, before Patrick gave a weak smile.

'I promise, I'll find the time for us to have a proper day' Kevin said quietly.

'Really?'

'Jon might be traveling next weekend for a conference. He'll probably be returning early on Sunday, but we could have all Saturday through Sunday morning if you want.'

'Of course I want' Patrick replied, raising his eyebrows. 'That would be...fantastic.'

'I won't know for a few days though. Sorry...I know that's a pain...'

'Stop apologizing' Patrick had interrupted him, and then, leaning forward, he'd kissed him sweetly, with just a little bit of a lick before he stepped back. Kevin licked his lips as if tasting Patrick's kiss. Patrick grinned.

'I like kissing you.'

Kevin rolled his eyes.

'Really' he drawled.

'Oh, so you could tell?'

'Patrick, I have never before been kissed as much in my life as I have been these past few weeks with you. You are fixated on kissing. And licking...and biting.'

'Is that a bad thing?' Patrick asked, half teasing, half serious.

'I think you can tell I quite like it' Kevin grinned at him.

'Quite? Is that the English way of saying you fucking love it?'

'Yes. I fucking love it. Kiss me again before I have to go. And make it a good one to last me till tomorrow.'

'I love it when you get all bossy on me' Patrick growled.

'I am the fucking boss' Kevin laughed.

'Not in here you're not. In here you're my own personal sex slave, to do whatever I want with.'

'Well, is kissing me one of the things you want to do with me?'

'Absolutely. Always'

'Do it then. Please.' Kevin smiled. Patrick smiled back, and then leaned forward to give Kevin a kiss. Gentle at first, just lips on lips, then the barest grazing of his tongue, a small nip of his teeth, and finally, opening Kevin's mouth with his own, he gave Kevin the kiss he wanted. Wet, passionate, hands clutching Kevin's head close, breaking for a second to draw a breath before plunging right back in...

As the kiss slowed down, turning again to small pecks and tiny nibbles, Kevin smiled contentedly.

'Thank you' he whispered, dropping his forehead against Patrick's.

'My total fucking pleasure' Patrick replied.

It had been so hard to leave him in that hotel room and make his way to dinner with Jon. And it was a bad idea to go from one to the other like that. The feeling of disconnect, the resentment he couldn't fully suppress...and the guilt as he stared at Jon's happy, guileless face, and the discomfort as Jon kissed him on lips that had just kissed Patrick...Bad bad fucking idea.

God, he hoped Jon was going on that business trip. He wanted a whole day, just one. That's all he wanted. Well...that and more of Patrick's kisses. He was coming to realize that he might never get enough of those.


	10. Date Night

Breathing deeply, slowly, nuzzling Patrick's neck, spooning, Kevin was reluctant to sleep. They fit really well together. Kevin wasn't a snuggler, but Patrick had pulled Kevin's arm across his body and burrowed into him, chatting quietly, lazily...until sleep overtook him. Poor boy. He'd had an energetic night. Kevin smiled as he realized he'd found a way to knock Patrick out after sex. Make him do all the work. It was good to know.

Kevin loved his smell. They'd taken a quick shower together because...well...they'd been very messy and they'd used whatever generic shit Patrick had to soap each other off, but still, he could smell Patrick's skin underneath the scent. He was still slightly sweaty but it was clean and really quite lovely. A little salty, a little musky...very sexy. Maybe he should wake Patrick up...No. Sleeping like this was part of the fun too. Something they'd never been able to do before. He wanted to know if Patrick was a snorer, or a wriggler, or worse, a cover-hog. And how did he wake up? Slow and groggy, grumpy and mean, sweet and snuggly, horny...so many delightful options. And wake-up sex in a comfortable bed would be something to look forward to. Lots and lots of new experiences to store away in the Patrick vault.

This weekend almost hadn't happened, which, given what an awesome day this had turned out to be, would have been a fucking tragedy. Jon's plans kept changing, as he vacillated between attending the conference in San Diego now or waiting till a later one up in Seattle, giving him the opportunity to visit family and friends. Kevin had deliberately kept silent on the topic. He didn't trust himself not to sound too eager for Jon to go. It was only yesterday morning that Jon had finally made his decision, and Kevin had been able to breathe a sigh of relief. Of course, nothing was ever straight forward with Patrick. He thought he'd make him deliriously happy with the news, but apparently Patrick had become a little weary of playing the waiting game. And Kevin didn't blame him. It couldn't be much fun not being in control of your own time, always dependent on someone else to set the agenda...it wasn't fair to keep asking him to make all the accommodations around his and Jon's schedule. So, the plans to have Patrick all to himself for a whole day and night had turned into something a little different, and somehow he had ended up at a rugby match for the afternoon, and more notably, had finally met some of Patrick's little entourage.

Kevin couldn't be bothered with watching rugby, but it had seemed really important to Patrick that he NOT change his plans to support his best friend's first rugby game, and frankly, the surprise on Patrick's face when Kevin had suggested they go together, out in public, for the first time...well, that was worth having to watch a bunch of men grunting and groaning as they wrestled for a stupid ball and shoved their heads up each other's arses...gayest game ever. Another benefit was seeing Patrick's dopey, happy face as Kevin ingratiated himself with his friends. Jesus. They were supposed to be colleagues but anyone seeing Patrick looking at Kevin would have known right away that there was something going on. Not that Kevin minded too much. He liked Patrick looking at him that way. He liked impressing him. And it was ridiculously easy to do so. He could have made up any words to describe the different rugby positions and none of Patrick's friends would be any the wiser, but Patrick gazed at him as if he was finding the cure to cancer. And of course Kevin knew Patrick had a weakness for Kevin singing... so teaching the lads a football chant was sure to win him a few more points. And it had. Fuck yeah.

Patrick had hauled him off, dragging him by the hand, the hugest grin on his face, and pinned him against the wall off the bleachers. His intention was clear as his eyes dropped to stare at Kevin's mouth. Kevin had seen enough American teen movies to know what one was supposed to do with bleachers, and he was happy to help Patrick re-create a lost high school moment, especially as it involved Patrick's delicious mouth and gripping fingers...God, he loved it when Patrick held his head as if he was holding him so he couldn't escape, so caught up in his passion that he wanted to lock Kevin to him tightly. And though it was probably the most chaste kiss they'd ever shared...just lips, closed mouths...kissing Patrick, out in public, almost as if they belonged together...that was a huge fucking turn on. He'd hardened almost instantly, and pulled Patrick even closer, but the commotion on the field had distracted Patrick, and the little make out session had ended a little too prematurely for Kevin's liking. Still, it meant they could make their escape because Patrick was hardly going to drag Kevin back to his friends, with Kevin sporting a huge boner.

Not that Kevin didn't like Patrick's friends. They seemed like a decent lot, even if they were a strange mix. Dom, the one on the rugby field, the one Patrick had told him he'd once 'hooked up' with, vague as that term was, he was the one he didn't get to meet and the one he was, for obvious reasons, most curious about. But Doris and Agustin seemed pleasant enough. And the big guy, Eddie, he was a laugh. Outspoken, brash. At first Kevin wasn't sure if Eddie was coming on to him, with the aggressive flirting and innuendos. But...he got a sense there was something between Agustin and Eddie, so he decided to assume it was all in jest. He was obviously there as Eddie's friend and not Patrick's because he had no clue as to the relationship between them, hence the awkward question about Kevin's dating status. Kevin didn't want to look at Patrick in that moment, didn't want to see anything in his face that might spoil the day. So, he'd calmly told Eddie that yes, he had a boyfriend, away on business, and yes, he had photos to show. Thankfully Dom made some big play on the field at that point and everyone got distracted.

That was the only mention of Jon made all day, and Kevin felt that there was almost an unspoken understanding between him and Patrick that today, this one day, was just about them. No thoughts of Jon were going to be allowed to intrude, allowed to spoil anything. It was simply him and Patrick spending what would hopefully be a very normal, ordinary day together, doing the sorts of things that people who...liked...each other did to get to know each other better. And part of that included hanging out with friends.

Strangely, though it was Kevin who faced their potential censure and disdain, it was Patrick who was the more reluctant of the two of them to go through with the plans for the rugby game.

Walking up to Patrick's flat that morning, a little late, he had seen Patrick sitting on his stoop. Fucking hell. He was so fucking sweet, and so obviously nervous. Kevin could almost feel the waves of tension radiating off him. Well he was nervous too. This was almost like a first date, but the stakes were a lot higher if it didn't go well. What if outside of the office, in the real world, they just didn't connect the same way? Would they call this a failed experiment and keep on fucking, or would everything just come to an end? Patrick wasn't good with silences, and so far just the mechanics of having an affair had kept the time they had for intimate conversation very limited. What if he was a disappointment to Patrick? What if he wasn't the man that Patrick thought he was? Though that seemed hardly possible. Kevin had been as open with Patrick as he'd ever been with anyone. If anyone could know him, it was Patrick. What was he so worried about anyway? If things didn't work out it wasn't as if the world would come to a crashing end. In most ways, it would make things a lot simpler if they discovered that they had nothing to say to each other without the time constraints usually imposed on them, or if they found that sex without a ticking clock was just...ordinary. Or if they just annoyed the hell out of each other. That would actually be the best result of all.

So this was basically a win-win situation. If they had a good day, then...great. If they had a bad day, then...there would be no more headaches. Literally.

But in the end, they hadn't had a good day. They'd had a fucking great day. It started a little awkwardly, with a strange in-between hug, one that close friends might share, but definitely not colleagues, and at Kevin's suggestion they moved swiftly to a bar so they could try to dull the twanging nerves with the soothing effect of booze. Once there, he could see Patrick was in 'fill-the-silence' mode as he searched desperately for a safe topic to talk about, other than work, other than their relationship, other than the fact that one of them had a boyfriend...and at first he'd picked on one that Kevin wasn't interested in pursuing. Romford. Home. Not something he liked to think about or talk about. Obviously Patrick had no concept of the British class system if he though someone like him, with his accent, could come from pretty Wimbledon. And frankly, as in any town, there were parts of Wimbledon that weren't that great, but still the shittiness of his birthplace would shock Patrick, who like most Americans thought everyone from England grew up in fucking Downton Abbey. Fortunately the topic had turned to something that Kevin WAS comfortable talking about...games. Infinite possibilities when talking about games. He fucking loved them.

They'd eventually got round to talking about their own game, the one they were supposed to be working on, which was a discussion long past due they both agreed.

'Which card would you pick to describe yourself, back when you came out?' Patrick had asked as they threw out ideas for their game characters.

'Jesus. I don't know. I don't even know when I came out. There wasn't really anyone for me to come out to, except my dad I suppose' Kevin had answered, sipping his beer.

'How can that be?' Patrick was confused. 'Did everybody else just...know? That doesn't seem possible. I mean I knew when I met you, but I imagine most people don't just assume that about you. I can't picture you as some openly gay happy teenager flying the rainbow flag. I mean back then, was anyone like that? Were you like that?'

'Fuck no. I don't imagine most people I grew up with had any idea. They probably still don't. But...it's not as if I care if they do or not. I pretty much hope to never see any of them ever again so...' Kevin shrugged.

'Wow. Really? You never go home to visit? Ever?' Patrick pressed.

'I usually stay in London if I go back. Meet up with friends I still keep in touch with, from uni, college to you, and...other people, family... there. Essex and London are close.'

'So you have no ties with Romford at all?'

'Not really. Not anymore. I think the town was pretty glad to be shot of me too.' Kevin laughed.

'Shot of you?'

'Rid of me. I forgot you don't speak English' Kevin teased him.

'Kevin Matheson...were you a trouble maker?' Patrick asked, obviously fascinated. Kevin grinned.

'It's a fucking miracle I made it through school without being locked up in Juvey I was so much fucking trouble. Drinking, shoplifting...you name it, I probably did it. Never got officially caught though, or at least, never so that it would stick, which drove my dad mental. He just didn't know how to control me and he was happy that I was smart enough to get into university despite messing about in school so much.' Kevin couldn't believe he was confessing any of this.

'Really.' Patrick could hardly contain himself with astonishment.

'Yes. Yes I was a horrible little bastard of a teenager' he continued.

And then, surprisingly, he found himself talking about his parents, which was an area he usually avoided like the plague. People never seemed to know what to say when they found out your mum had run out. They were used to absentee fathers, but there was something deeply...shaming...about being left behind by your mum. They were supposed to be the one person who loved you no matter what, put you first above everything. Men were dicks and didn't change much when they became fathers, but women...all that motherly instinct stuff...if your mum left it meant you weren't lovable, didn't it? At least that's what it felt like to a teenager. Jesus...how did they get into this heavy shit. Not that Patrick responded badly. If anything, his obvious sympathy for the young Kevin was comforting, and the shit didn't feel quite so heavy anymore. Maybe there was some truth to the old adage 'a problem shared is a problem halved'. He certainly felt a little lighter about it. Maybe it helped that Patrick wasn't so close to his own parents, and definitely had some of his own mommy issues. He didn't seem to judge much which was nice, and even though he was intensely curious, it didn't feel intrusive.

But whatever. It had been a nice chat and he hadn't scared Patrick away with his tales of a dark childhood which was a good thing. And it felt easy, natural to go from deep emotional crap to silly banter again. Nothing forced, nothing strained...just...easy.

They'd tried to get back to talking about their smart-phone game on the way to the rugby match, but they were too easily distracted by swapping tales of actual people they knew or had met that were the inspiration for the characters they were supposed to be developing, and the conversation had disintegrated into a competition for who could come up with the most ridiculous name for their game. By the end of the bus ride they had made no progress on the design concepts or on the name, but they'd had a fucking good laugh.

The joking had carried on through to after the rugby game too, when they'd got back to Patrick's apartment. It was funny how Americans loved old things. In England there were old buildings all over the place, even in Romford, and that went along with old plumbing, no air conditioning, tiny windows...all the things he had found he was more than happy to never have to put up with again when he got the US. But to Americans, anything that looked like it had been standing for more than 50 years was considered something of an heirloom. The more shabby a place looked, the more people like Patrick and Jon went into raptures. So Kevin could see why Patrick would be so proud of his apartment. It was old. Creaking stairs. Plaster walls...hipster west coast tech nerd paradise. It definitely had a nice warm vibe to it. Kevin could see the appeal of that. And it had a comfortable lived in feel too, which wasn't surprising since Patrick and Agustin had lived here for eight years. Jesus, that was longer than he'd lived in any one place since he'd left Romford.

Going through Patrick's stuff was fascinating. In the good old days of CDs and DVDs you could learn a lot about someone by their music and film collection, but those were long gone and it was becoming rarer to see shelves of books too. Kevin had a kindle and if he had time to read he'd just download a book wherever he was. He even read the newspaper online. His whole life was pretty much in the cloud now. But Patrick, or maybe Agustin, had books. And it was interesting to see what he bought and kept. The classics, obviously, and to give Patrick credit, these look like they had actually been read, with broken spines and dog eared pages. Then some intriguing selections of gay history books...probably bought during an ardent activist phase. But the best...the very best, was the small collection of self help book.

'Finding the Boyfriend Within' Kevin flipped the book over to read the blurb. '...a remarkably practical and helpful guide in the quest for self-discovery for the thousands of gay men who despair of ever being in a committed relationship'

Oh Patrick. This was pure gold. This was just so...him. He had no fucking clue how gorgeous he was. He read books to help him find a boyfriend, without realizing that he could basically go into any bar and just by showing the tiniest bit of confidence, just by letting out some of that sensuality that Kevin was lucky enough to experience, he could have anyone he wanted. Kevin couldn't let this go. It might not be wise to bring up a book about commitment on a date with the man you were cheating on your boyfriend with. But...he couldn't let it go. It was too precious. And fortunately the man had a sense of humor. Some people couldn't laugh at themselves but Patrick...well he was very good at that.

'Finding the Boyfriend Within' He read out loud, while Patrick was preparing them drinks. Just from the derisive tone he used he knew Patrick would be cringing. Poor bugger.

'Ahhhh. No. Back on the shelf, please' He instructed from the kitchen.

'All you need to know is that it takes a real man to admit that he reads self help books, at times.' He continued bravely.

'Sorry. I can't rip my eyes from these pages. This is suggesting that you...you take yourself out on a date. Have you...have you done that' Kevin inquired, all innocence, but the game was up and Patrick soon stopped trying to retain any dignity in the face of Kevin's ridicule. He joined right in. God...he was so fucking cute when he smiled like that, when he was half embarrassed, half happy. Every fucking emotion so clearly written on his face. Kevin just loved it. Making him smile. Seeing him happy and relaxed. So fucking cute. But hot too. Really, really hot. And they had a whole night ahead of them where they could just go and explore all that hotness. Shit...from laughing to horny in 5 seconds. Patrick fucking Murray.

Just the thought of what they could do in the next 12 hours was making Kevin hard. He'd moved in on Patrick, walked right up to him and kissed him. What a lovely luxury. It couldn't get any better. To just kiss the man you...wanted to fuck, and know you had all night ahead of you to kiss him as often as you wanted to, as he'd let you, as you could last. But Patrick had other ideas. He'd had one request. The only one he'd really made all day, and Kevin couldn't say no to him. Didn't even want to because he was right.

'We actually get to take our time tonight, right?' He'd asked, serious all of a sudden, his eyes roaming Kevin's face. 'So...why don't we?'

Kevin had been wrong. It could get better. Lying on the sofa with Patrick wrapped in his arms, Patrick's soft hair against his face, Patrick's long body pressed into his, Patrick's wondering fingers stroking his arm...watching some crazy sexy cartoon. This was the best it could get. And Patrick, on his home turf...he was a fucking rock star. Even when Kevin's phone buzzed, even though it was obvious who the call was from, he hardly skipped a beat. He pulled Kevin right back into THEM. He didn't ask about the call, he didn't make a scene, he just brought it back to the two of them, lying on a sofa on a Saturday night, watching TV. Kevin had felt such a flood of emotion. He knew what the emotion was called, but he wasn't going to fucking name it. He couldn't. Not now. Now wasn't the time. This was just too perfect the way it was.

But he knew what he WAS going to do. Something that he wanted to do for Patrick. Something that was his way, without words, of showing Patrick a little of what he was feeling tonight. Hopefully he'd understand what it meant. Thought if he didn't that might be better. Yeah...it would definitely be better. And anyway...maybe Patrick wouldn't even want to know how Kevin was feeling. Maybe he liked things the way they were. He never pushed for anything more, so...Kevin wouldn't make a big deal about this. It was just a small gesture.

And then Kevin realized he'd been wrong AGAIN, because lying in bed with Patrick, lying on top of him, making out with him like they'd just discovered kissing, rocking against him and feeling Patrick hard against him, feeling Patrick's hands wondering all over his body...this was the best it could get. And not because he was about to have sex, but because it had been a great day and he was about to have sex with Patrick.

He pulled away from Patrick's searching mouth and leaned over to pick up a condom. Placing it between his teeth he stared at Patrick's grinning face for a second before he bent down and transferred the condom to Patrick's mouth. Patrick still thought he knew what that meant and continued to stare up at Kevin expectantly, waiting for him to set the pace.

'Your turn' Kevin said quietly, deliberately.

Patrick's look of delighted surprise was so totally worth it. But it had lasted mere seconds. And then no hesitation, no questions, he'd enthusiastically risen to the occasion. And christ...the man could fuck. Kevin shouldn't have been surprised since Patrick had obviously been more accustomed to topping before he'd met him, but...he still wasn't prepared for the full impact that was Patrick Murray when he was focused and intent on driving you fucking crazy. The feeling of being possessed, being filled by someone who was so desperate to be inside you, whose eyes glazed over with ecstasy at every deepening thrust...god, it was the best aphrodisiac just to watch Patrick Murray sweat and know he just couldn't get enough. At first there was lots of licking and kissing and as always, Patrick knew just how hard to bite Kevin's lips, just how to tease and tantalize with his tongue in order to drive Kevin wild. But soon the rhythm, the pace, got too fast for them to keep their mouths together and all they could do was grip each other tightly as Patrick continued to thrust into him, deeper, faster, wilder. Over and over and over...hitting that lovely spot inside him that was pushing him so close to the edge so very fast.

Kevin felt himself nearing his own orgasm, without Patrick even laying a hand on him which was mind-blowing in itself, but he really wanted them to cum together.

'Look at me...look at me...' he urged, wanting to watch Patrick as he came.

'Are you going to cum?' Patrick asked, practically out of his mind with pleasure.

'Yeah...I'm gonna, yeah...fuck...I'm going to cum...' he barely managed to get the words out.

Patrick had pulled out instantly and snapping off the condom, he brought them both off, his hand gripping them both tightly...so...good. They came with Patrick gasping into Kevin's mouth as Kevin groaned his pleasure into Patrick's. This was so...fucking...good. He couldn't remember coming so hard before, so completely lost in his own world of pleasure but at the same time so aware of every one of Patrick's gasps, every touch of his mouth every stroke of his hand. God...this was so perfect. His mind was totally blown. He could barely catch his breath but at the same time he didn't want to lose Patrick's mouth, and he didn't want to lose Patrick's weight on top of him. It was pure heaven to feel this connection, and he didn't want to let it go. Patrick laughed at his expression, which must have been one of shock, because he really could hardly believe what had just happened. Jesus. Patrick fucking Murray and his hidden fucking depths.

It was hard to drag themselves to the shower, but they had cum all over themselves and needed to get clean, and anyway, washing up was it's own kind of pleasure. Not sexual, because they were literally shagged out, but still, sweet and intimate as they soaped each other off, kissing gently.

And so Kevin found himself cuddling up to Patrick, breathing in his scent, listening to him breathe, watching him sleep. He wouldn't wake Patrick up even though he was beginning to feel aroused. He would wait until the morning. And after he would cook Patrick a proper English breakfast, and they could pretend for a little bit longer that this was real life. And then...he would go home.

Fuck! Jon. He'd called. Shit. Shit. Shit.

No. He wasn't going to let this spoil this night. Jon would be expecting a call back, and he would definitely try calling Kevin again if Kevin didn't get back to him. He would expect Kevin to want to know how the conference went. He would expect Kevin to want to know how his day went. He would expect Kevin to be interested in him. Kevin owed him that much.

Kevin pulled away from the sleeping Patrick carefully. He reached for his phone and hit Jon's number as he got out of bed. With any luck he'd get voicemail, leave a quick message and get back into bed. But his luck had run out for the night. Jon answered the phone and Kevin shut the bedroom door quietly behind him as he started a conversation he'd had many times before. But his mind was on the man sleeping in the room next door. He couldn't wait to get back and snuggle up against him again. And he couldn't wait to see what Patrick would wake up like. His money was on sweet and sunny. With hopefully some playful and horny thrown in. Kevin smiled to himself as the conversation with Jon continued.

This had been a great fucking day.


	11. You Can't Always Get What You Want

_The following Monday evening_

Right. So THAT happened. Kevin stood perfectly still, staring unfocused at the empty space where Patrick had stood seconds ago. There was a blessed numbing quality to standing in the middle of a packed room of strangers, with toneless music blasting through the air, and the humming buzz of a 100 conversations swirling around him. He really hoped the numb feeling would last for a nice long time because he was very worried that as soon as it wore off he was going to be in a world of fucking pain.

Oh...look. Joy of joys. As his eyes focused he saw Agustin and Richie in the distance, both with similar scowls, staring right at him. Should he smile? Nod? Wave at them? Shouldn't he do something other than just stand there, motionless? Was he capable of doing anything other than just stand there, motionless? He was a little scared that if he moved something might break. Which was ridiculous. Right? He had to pull his shit together. But then again...did he really? Because wouldn't pulling his shit together mean he had to process what had just happened? And why the fuck would he ever want to do that? No...it was better to just stand here...and wait. 

Wait for what? Patrick to come back? That sure as fuck wasn't going to happen. Was it? No...it wasn't. But...he couldn't help but wait...just a little longer. For it to be totally impossible. For it to be completely inconceivable. Because if there was a chance...then what? What the fuck would Patrick come back for anyway. He couldn't have made it any clearer what he thought of this whole situation.  But...maybe Kevin had misunderstood him, maybe he wasn't walking away, but was just leaving the club, expecting Kevin to follow him, because surely, after everything Patrick had said about dreaming of a future, after what Kevin had told him about his same dream...surely Patrick couldn't just walk away like that. That easily. That finally. That just seemed...impossible. Was he waiting for Kevin to run after him? 

Oh shit...no. There was the first crack in the lovely cocoon of numbness. 

'You stupid, fucking, dipshit' Kevin thought to himself. He closed his eyes, wanting to hold on for a few more precious seconds to the total lack of feeling. When he opened them again, he saw Agustin walking towards him. He waited. What the fuck else was there to do?

'Where did Patrick go?' Agustin asked him, suspicion and distrust clear in his tone.

Kevin shrugged. Not quite able to talk.

'What happened? What did you say to him?' Agustin pressed, getting closer into Kevin's space. For a small guy he was certainly threatening enough when he wanted to be. And he could always call for re-enforcements from the huge Eddie guy, and the wonderfully muscular Richie. That might be fun. Having the shit beaten out of him. Might make him focus on something else for a little while rather than the horrible thoughts that were beginning to crowd his head.

Patrick was gone. He had walked out. He had left him. Everything was over. 

Whatever look came over his face, it was enough to make Agustin take a step back. Agustin reached out a hand and put it gently on Kevin's arm.

'Are you ok man?' he asked. Concern replacing the antagonism of a moment ago. Kevin looked at the hand on his arm. He was confused for a moment. Agustin was Patrick's friend. Why wasn't he spitting in Kevin's face? Oh...wait. Agustin knew Patrick well. Maybe Agustin could help explain some things to Kevin. Maybe he could help explain how Patrick was able to walk away so easily. How Patrick could say that he dreamt of a future with him just this morning and then could turn around and leave him standing there...his fucking heart broken into a fucking thousand pieces...

Oh right. It was because Kevin had a boyfriend. Or rather because Kevin STILL had a boyfriend...because yesterday it hadn't been a barrier to Patrick, but tonight apparently, it was a deal breaker. After more than two years with Jon, Kevin had been given all of half a day to turn his whole life upside before Patrick decided that he wasn't worth waiting for.

Ahhh....This was nice. Anger. Resentment. So much better than heartbreak and remorse. So much easier than guilt. This is what he should feed on. None of that soft mushy stuff. Patrick was an inconsiderate little prick who obviously hadn't felt very much at all for Kevin, giving up at the first hurdle. He didn't stay and fight for him. Come to think of it he hadn't even asked Kevin to give up Jon in the first place. No. That was all Kevin's wonderful idea. Patrick was probably relieved that Kevin hadn't been able to go through with it today. He probably had just wanted a fling and was now looking for a quick way out. Couldn't be easy to tell your boss that you didn't want to fuck him anymore. The fucking bastard.

'Kevin. Kevin! What's happened?' Agustin was shaking his arm. 

Oh right. 

Back to the real world. Where Patrick was a nice young man who had decided that he didn't want to have an affair with a cheating piece of shit any more. Where Patrick had chosen to do the right thing and walk away from a situation that was getting harder and harder to justify...The world in which Kevin's life had just fallen apart, through nobody's fault but his own.

Kevin smiled grimly at Agustin. He was about ready to be able to function again. He thought he was probably capable of speaking without breaking down. He should at least give it a try.

'Ask Patrick' he said. Good...he could talk. And with that, he turned around and left Agustin standing there. He made his way out into the nice brisk evening. And if he couldn't help but look around for Patrick for just one lovely second of hope...well, he should cut himself some slack. He had days and days ahead of him for misery and heartache. He would take any little joy wherever he could. And who knew, maybe he would get lucky and he would wake up in the morning and not give a shit. And if it took more than one night, maybe it wouldn't be too much longer. After all it had taken only two days for his heart to go from full and happy to broken and bleeding on the ground. Maybe it would only take two days for it heal right back up. 

Wow, Kevin laughed mirthlessly at himself. Listen to him. Broken hearts lying bleeding on the ground. A last little parting gift from Patrick Fucking Murray. Turning him into a poet. Fuck. He wiped his face with the back of his hand. Look at that. Tears. 

Well, that shit couldn't go on. Jon was waiting for him at home. 

_The previous day_

Kevin was surprised. He thought Patrick would be a cheerful morning person. And certainly once he'd coaxed Patrick back into bed he'd seemed happy enough. He'd definitely participated enthusiastically as they used up the second condom lying on the bedside table. Kevin had pushed him facedown into the covers and entered him slowly, lazily, then rocked them both to a lovely orgasm. The best fucking way to start the morning. He was glad morning sex with Patrick in a bed was as good, if not better, than morning office sex had been, though it would be hard to do without this until the next opportunity presented itself. As they lay in bed recovering, Kevin was busy planning the next time he could get Patrick all to himself for a whole 24 hours like they'd just had. Maybe if THEY went away together, then they could have a whole weekend, and they could do more of the things he knew Patrick loved. Like eating. He'd love to take Patrick out for brunch and watch him stuff his face. The man fucking loved to eat. And yesterday he'd mentioned biking in Sausalito. Was that something he enjoyed? That could be fun. Biking somewhere remote, getting hot and sweaty and then splashing about in a lake or the sea or something...cooling down so they could then get all hot and sweaty again when they fucked. He should definitely figure out something so the two of them could go away somewhere. Staying in a quaint little B&B...Patrick would love that. Or even one of those cool modern boutique hotels...more Kevin's style but he was pretty sure Patrick would like it too. And they could order breakfast in bed and have a lazy morning of not doing anything at all but eating and fucking.

Speaking of which, he'd promised Patrick a proper English breakfast, so he'd better bloody get cooking. Kevin swung himself over the side of the bed, pulling on his underwear. He looked over at Patrick, still lying on his stomach, naked, quiet. That was unusual. Where was his chatty Patrick? He ran his hand through Patrick's hair, and then gripping it, he turned Patrick's head towards him.

'Hey'

'Hey' Patrick responded, the faintest smile on his face.

'You ok?' Kevin asked.

Patrick's smile deepened, but still didn't quite reach his eyes. He turned his face and kissed Kevin's hand.

'What time do you have to leave?' Patrick asked. Kevin noted that he hadn't answered his question. But maybe he was just melancholy at the thought of their day ending. If Kevin let himself think about it he knew he would be too.

'I've got time to make us breakfast. You've got about half an hour before it's ready. Did you get the stuff on the list I texted you?'

'It's all in the fridge' Patrick reassured him. Kevin bent down to kiss his mouth, which was really all he meant to do, but...he couldn't resist the temptation of Patrick's lovely body lying there, or more specifically, his gorgeous ass, just waiting to be bitten.

'Ow' Patrick laughed, pushing him off. 'What was that for?' 

'Marking my territory' Kevin grinned, then swaggered out to the kitchen.

Patrick was totally horrified by all the food Kevin prepared, but that still didn't stop him from eating it. Poor little fat baby Patrick. Kevin felt protective of the little boy he'd been and the hell he must have gone through. Still could laugh about it though. His funny Patrick. Kevin felt proud to have cooked him a meal. Jon was usually the chef, but greasy fried English food...that was Kevin's specialty.

'Bon apetit' he smiled at Patrick, before he dug in to his own feast.

'So umm...last night...' Patrick had started, hesitantly.

'You gave me the fuck of my life? Sorry...carry on' Kevin teased. But he meant it. It had been fucking amazing. Patrick was a revelation to him. He honestly couldn't say this morning if he had to choose only one way to have sex for the rest of his life if it would be him topping Patrick or Patrick topping him. Fortunately, he wouldn't have to choose, because he was totally on board with being versatile, and so, it seemed, was Patrick. 

'Right, no...after that.' Patrick continued, just barely cracking a smile. 'I wasn't intentionally eavesdropping but I heard...do you and Jon call each other every night? When he's out of town?'

Kevin continued buttering his toast. 

Shit. 

Fuck. 

Making that phone call last night from Patrick's bedroom... what the fuck was wrong with him. Patrick must have been...devastated. This wasn't where he saw the morning going. This wasn't what he had wanted for them, now.

'Err...yeah' he replied. Calmly. Was he ready for this? Would he be given the choice?

'I brought it up but we don't need to get into this right now.' Patrick backed off quickly, and in that moment Kevin realized that he didn't want him to. 

Patrick had a right to answers. He deserved them. And that he was reluctant to demand them...Jesus...that made Kevin feel like crap. Didn't Patrick know his own power? How much he could ask and have Kevin give? Fuck it. He WAS ready to get into this. Right now. 

'Well I think we...should'.

'Yeah me too.' Patrick said, with such intensity that Kevin knew he had made the right choice. Well at least now he knew what had been bothering Patrick this morning, which was a good thing... but at the same time...where was this going to go? Their first conversation about their situation. He was scared. Pretty fucking scared.

'Ok well errr...what do you...what do you want to know. That you don't already' He would let Patrick lead this.

'How do you feel when you go back to Jon?. After we've been together.' Ah... He should have know that Patrick's main concern would be about how wrong this was. The morality. Not about what he wanted out of their relationship, or what he could get Kevin to promise him, but...about confession. About admission of guilt. Well that bit was easy. 

'Pretty fucking shitty' Kevin answered him, and the relief that Patrick's face showed...for a second Kevin felt hurt. Did Patrick think that he was heartless? That this was easy for him? After he'd told him that he was a mess? After he'd told him about the headaches? Did Patrick still think cheating on Jon didn't effect him? Jesus. What must Patrick think of him to believe that? Maybe they should have spoken about this sooner.

'I...I feel the same way. As soon as you leave.' 

Ok. They both felt guilty. But they had to get beyond that. And suddenly, far from dreading the conversation, Kevin now felt an overwhelming need to make Patrick understand that this...what they had right here...this was more important than the circumstances that surrounded them. This was rare. He'd known last night, lying with Patrick in his arms on the sofa, that this was bigger than he'd ever imagined it could be. Patrick had to see that. Surely he knew it too?

'The way we are, with each other... the way we were together, last night. I don't have that with Jon.' Kevin told him, quietly, trying with each word to tell Patrick what he felt. Did Patrick understand? 

He continued staring at Kevin, finally letting his anxiety show. His poor, poor Patrick. How long had he been feeling like this? Kevin took his hand, holding it tightly.

'Look, I promise you, this will sort itself.' No. That wasn't true. That wasn't what he meant. The truth was much much harder. 'I will sort it. Ok?' He promised Patrick, pointing at himself, emphasizing his words in the hope that Patrick would believe him. Have faith in him.

'I hope so.' Patrick broke the intensity of the moment. 'I hope that's true.' Not a resounding vote of confidence. But probably more than Kevin deserved.

They continued to eat their breakfast in relative silence. Kevin wished he could ask Patrick what he was thinking, because he was surprisingly inscrutable. Patrick let every emotion show on his face, but obviously only when he wanted to, because at times like this, Kevin realized, when he was feeling vulnerable and was required to put his emotions on the line, Patrick could hide and lie like the best of them. 

Kevin didn't want to spend the rest of his time with Patrick thinking about Jon, though, and all the conversations that would have to happen one day, all the difficult times ahead. He wanted to enjoy this time, so rather than clean up the breakfast dishes and start gathering his stuff together, he grabbed Patrick and insisted they take a shower together. Patrick protested, but only weakly, and when they were eventually naked and under the water, Kevin did nothing but kiss him and love on his mouth and face. He wasn't going to have sex, because he didn't want Patrick to think that's all he wanted from him. He wanted just this. The ability to kiss, nuzzle, graze, run his stubble against Patrick's soft cheeks, run his hands through his wet hair, hold Patrick's face in place for his kisses, hold his head to the side as he ran his tongue down his throat to suck at the soft skin at the very base. Kevin just wanted to sip the water running off Patrick's eyelashes, run his arms up and down the smooth skin of his back, and then eventually he fell to his knees and sucked Patrick's cock deep into his mouth. Patrick leant against the shower wall, his head dropped back, his hand clutching at Kevin's shorn hair as he gasped at each pull of Kevin's mouth, and sighed at each stroke of Kevin's hand across his balls, his ass, his thighs...Kevin was insatiable and sucked down every drop of cum Patrick had, leaving him limp, under the running water.

Getting up of his knees, he kissed Patrick tenderly on the mouth and they smiled at each other.

They shared a last kiss as Kevin left the apartment, Patrick hugging him close, almost reluctant to let him go. Thank christ. That was the first indication Kevin had from him that he was sharing some of the intensity of the feeling, the pain of the separation.

'I'll text you later.' Kevin promised him. 'And I'll see you tomorrow.'

'Ok' Patrick grinned. 'Cheerio' he said in his vastly improved English accent before Kevin turned away.

Kevin grinned back. 'Definitely getting better'. And he turned to go home.

_Later that evening._

Kevin couldn't settle. He was restless and it was starting to get on Jon's nerves, he could tell. But mostly because Kevin wouldn't talk about it, however much Jon pressed him. Eventually Jon had given up and switched on the telly to watch the Sunday football.

'Let's go out to eat.' Kevin blurted out. He didn't want to spend the evening here just the two of them with so much welling up inside him that he was scared it would all just come spewing out.

'What? Why?' Jon was obviously reluctant. 

'Why not?' Kevin pressed.

'Well, because I've just the spent the weekend 'out' eating with other people, and I was looking forward to a nice restful evening at home. You don't have to cook or anything, don't worry. We can just order in.'

'I can cook you know. It's just you don't like any of the shit I make.' Kevin shot back, feeling aggressive.

'Ok, calm down.' Jon rolled his eyes, ratcheting up Kevin's irritation even further. 'If you saw the damage that bad food can do to a body like I've seen...'

'A fucking fried meal now and then isn't going to kill you, Jon. Get off your fucking high horse.'

'Jesus' Jon was clearly confused. 'What the hell is wrong with you? You've been acting like a dick ever since I got home. If something's bothering you should just fucking tell me. Are you upset because I had to go away for the weekend? You know these conferences are important to my career, and you of all people should appreciate that.'

'What the fuck does that mean?'

'Nothing.' Jon mumbled.

'Is this about fucking Seattle again? I swear to God, Jon, you have to get over this shit. You said you were fine to come here. Remember?'

Jon laughed bitterly.

'Did I have a choice?' He asked, staring at Kevin, challenging him.

Shit. He was such a fucking arsehole. Jon had sacrificed so much for him and here Kevin was, annoyed with him because he wasn't...Patrick. All the anger, all the irritation and frustration...gone, in a second. To be replaced with an almost unbearable guilt, and along with that, most surprisingly, such an overwhelming feeling of tenderness towards Jon. He didn't deserve any of this. He'd been nothing but the best he could be towards Kevin. He was so fucking decent. Honorable. Just a good man. 

'I'm sorry.' Kevin said simply.

Jon sighed. 

'Have you got another one of your headaches? I know you think you're hiding them from me, but I am a doctor, Kevin. I know the signs. Would you please let me set up an appointment with a neurologist, and would you please tell those bigwigs at MDG that they need to stop riding your ass on this project?'

Kevin smiled. He nodded.

'I'll see a specialist if you like. But I'm the one setting the schedule at work, so short of kicking my own ass, not much I can do about that.'

Jon walked up to him, putting his hands on Kevin's face.

'I'm worried about you. This stress...it can really do damage to a person, Kevin. You have to promise you'll look after yourself better.'

'I promise. And I'm sorry about dinner. We'll order in. Whatever you want. Go watch the game and I'll make the call, OK?' Kevin placated him.

Jon smiled at him sweetly then returned to the sofa to settle in. Kevin watched Jon lie back, and cursed himself, because he still really fucking wished it was Patrick on that sofa instead.

_The following morning_

Kevin climbed the stairs to the roof top. Something was up. Patrick was upset again. Jesus. They'd had one fantastic day together and now it seemed everything was going to shit. Was this karma? Was this finally the price he was going to pay? He had to keep it together. Whatever Patrick wanted to talk about, he had to remain calm. Last night and then this morning, at the farmers market, playing the good boyfriend, keeping up the pretense of everything being normal, that had been fucking exhausting, and he was pretty much on his last ragged nerve. But, if Patrick needed reassurance, if he needed Kevin's time, then Kevin had to man up and be who Patrick needed him to be. Just please God, just a little more time so he could figure out how he was going sort out the mess his life had become.

Patrick stood on the roof, turning as Kevin called out to him.

'Yo...what's up, what's happened?' he asked. God...was Patrick crying? Shit...

'I saw you, fuck...fuck me...at the farmer's market. I was there.' Patrick said, in obvious distress. 'I saw you with Jon.' He added.

Fuck. First overhearing the phone call, now seeing them together. From Jon never even being brought up in conversation to him suddenly being front and center, right there...this was a fucking clusterfuck. But really...what the hell did Patrick think? That the man didn't exist? Was the worst problem Patrick faced the fact that Kevin was out shopping for breakfast with his partner? Kevin's nerves stretched tighter.

'Ok, and you didn't want to say hello' he threw out glibly. Patrick couldn't begin to imagine the fucking stress he was under.

'Are you totally fucking insane?' Ok...so that had been the wrong tone. Keep it together Kevin, he reminded himself.

'Calm down Patrick. It's alright'

'No, this is so not alright.' 

Shit. This was so not going well. Just keep it the fuck together. Patrick was on some edge too and one of them was going to have to get them through this. 

'Listen, I get a text with you, when you're with Jon, and my heart...it swells Kevin because I think wow, he's actually thinking about me'

Was he fucking kidding? Thinking about him? Jesus...

'I was, I AM...I AM. All the time' How the fuck could he not know this? Did he think everything just switched off for him when they were apart? Could he even begin to imagine what it was like for Kevin to be living this double life?

'Ok fine, but you're with Jon, right? I mean your life is with Jon. You wake up with him, you got to bed with him.  You talk to him on the phone every night, and we can steal lunches, and we can steal weekends, but at the end of the day we're stealing from your life with Jon. And I ...I want to be the kind of person who can handle that, but can't. I can't do it anymore'

Kevin couldn't believe what he was hearing. All these weeks together having an affair, this very past weekend when they were so close, possible only because Jon had been away for work...and now, one sighting of Jon, one piece of tangible, visible evidence of him and...he was done?

'Because...because you saw us at the farmer's market?' Kevin shook his head...He couldn't believe it. What fucking world did he live in? What did he think they'd been doing?

'Yes!' Patrick was obviously desperate now. 'And because...every day more and more I'm building this life for us, this future, in my head.' Yes...that was exactly it...'Us together and it's impossible.' Wait...what? Oh no...oh fuck no.... 'This is going to end with Jon hurt, or you and me hating each other...' This was NOT happening...it was not going to happen. 'So let's just stop, just rewind, and go back to being flirty friends..' He couldn't mean what he was saying...It wasn't possible

'I don't want to go back...' Kevin tried to stop him. But Patrick wouldn't....

'...or whatever we were before, and we can work on the app and see each other at work, and everything's fine...'

'Look I will talk to Jon OK?' Kevin had to make him stop. It just was not an option for them to go back. Kevin couldn't stand it. He had to stop saying it.

'Today. I will talk to him today.' Jesus christ...it had come to this...this was his whole life turning to a fucking train wreck. 'And I will make it right.'...Jesus....'And it will take time...to make him understand in a way that doesn't wreck him...it will take time but I will do it...' Kevin could barely go on.

'I know' Patrick tried to interrupt

'Today'. Kevin managed to finish.

'I know. I'm not asking you to...' Patrick tried again. But Kevin had heard enough.  He didn't want to hear anymore of Patrick's ideas. They were just not feasible.

'Well you don't need to Patrick. You don't need to ask me.' How in fuck's name did he not know that? He had to make him understand...'Because that life you are building for us...I am too.'

This was a fucking nightmare. Standing on top of a building, pleading for the man you...loved, to not walk away....

'And I'm not losing it.' That was all he could say. He was going to fucking crack it if he had to say anything more. He was NOT losing Patrick. He could barely breathe. He stared at Patrick, willing him to understand.

'Ok.' Patrick said quietly. 'Ok. If you're...Ok.' Kevin nodded. 

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...' Patrick continued.

'Don't say sorry. You don't have to say sorry. I want to do this. The right way. For us....and for Jon' Kevin managed to get out.

Patrick nodded. He looked almost scared at the sight of Kevin so distraught. Kevin had to calm down, for Patrick's sake. He couldn't fall apart.

'Go on back down' he said to Patrick eventually, calm enough now to be able to breathe normally again. 'I'll be down in a few minutes. I'll leave early tonight...and...I'll handle it. OK?' He put his hand on Patrick's neck, pulling him close to drop their foreheads together. 'OK?" He pressed?

'Yeah' Patrick answered softly. 'I'll be waiting to hear from you.' he said meaningfully, before pulling away.

And then it was Kevin left alone on the roof top. Contemplating his life. Wondering how he was going to do what had been inevitable from the first moment he had kissed Patrick, all those weeks ago.

_Later that evening, at Esta Noce_

Only it hadn't been inevitable after all, because when Kevin faced Jon, when Kevin tried to say the words that would destroy this man's life...he couldn't. Two years this man had put into loving Kevin. Two years of dealing with his walls, his barriers, his shit. And then he had given up everything he loved other than Kevin, his job, his family, his friends, his home, because he loved Kevin more. 

How could he just tell him. He needed more time. He needed to prepare him. He needed to make it so that Jon could walk away with his dignity, so that he could know it wasn't about Patrick, that it wasn't that Jon wasn't enough, but that it was that Kevin had found someone he just couldn't imagine not having in his life. 

But you didn't just tell someone that out of the blue. It needed TIME. Kevin needed more time. Patrick had to understand that. He had to make Patrick understand that. 

But he hadn't. Or, at least Patrick hadn't accepted it. He had reached a point it seemed where it was him or Jon, right this minute, and Kevin couldn't do that to Jon however much he wanted to be with Patrick. He didn't want to choose, but if he had to, it had to be Jon. Two fucking years. A commitment made by a man who was nothing but good and kind. 

'Why did you come here?' Patrick had asked, so angry, so sad. It had broken Kevin's heart to stand there and tell him that he couldn't tell Jon about them. That he couldn't stand breaking Jon's heart. That it made him feel like the lowest piece of shit to do that to him after everything Jon had done for him.

'It was for you...' Kevin had tried to explain. He had come here to see Patrick. To try and make him given them a little more time, to try to understand...'I came for you'. And then that last kiss. Only he didn't know it would be the last one. Because he couldn't imagine if Patrick felt just a little of what he felt, he couldn't imagine that he could walk away. 

But he did. Patrick pushed Kevin away, like he had done before, but this time, the resolution in his face was absolute. He was done with Kevin. And that had been their last kiss.

And Kevin was...numb.


	12. Heartbreak

_The Following Friday_

Kevin sat in his office, pretending to be busy on his computer. One of his managers, Greg, opened his door and the sound of the revelry from the party filled the space.

'Hey Kevin, it's probably time you make your speech now, before these idiots get totally hammered.' 

'Sure. No problem. I'll be right down. You got the champagne?' Kevin asked pleasantly.

'Chilled and waiting. And it's good stuff too. MDG's going all out' Greg laughed, rolling his eyes. Sarcasm obviously, since they were having the party in the office...not like the big splashy launch event they'd had on that over the top war ship. The party where he'd met Patrick... Nope. Not going there. Not this morning. Well...not again, this morning.

'I think you'll find MDG's true appreciation in your bonus checks.' Kevin forced a smile. 'This is just a little impromptu celebration. I thought people would like the day off from work anyway. And the free booze.'

'Who doesn't like free booze?' Greg shrugged. 'Are you coming?' he gestured to the crowded floor, where people were milling about, laughing...having a good time. It looked hellish.

'Yeah. Just give me a minute. Just have some...things to finish up.' he nodded. 

As Greg left, Kevin automatically looked over to Patrick's desk. It was like a reflex. He found himself doing it every few minutes or so. Crap for his concentration. And of course this morning Patrick wasn't even going to be sitting there. He'd be in the middle of the party, having a great time with his buddies, his little gang. Laughing, drinking...carefree. As if his world hadn't collapsed around him just five days ago. 

But...maybe it hadn't. Kevin's had, but Patrick...well...Patrick seemed to be coping...fine. 

There was a revelation for you. It turned out whatever Patrick had felt for Kevin, it had been slight enough, little enough that he could just...tune it out. Switch it off.  And all that remained was a little bitterness and some embarrassment. And maybe...a hint of anger. That talk of building a future in his head, with him...well...he'd moved on pretty quickly to an alternate future it would seem. 

Patrick had been smart. While Kevin was falling in love, like an idiot, Patrick was hedging his bets, keeping his heart safe. Kevin knew love was a fool's game. He'd seen it slowly destroy his parents. It was a stupid state for any sane individual to be in. Patrick hadn't been stupid. 

The only comfort Kevin could take was that he hadn't turned his whole life upside down for him. That would have been tragic. Not for Kevin, but for Jon. He would have torn apart the life of a good man for no reason. His own life deserved to be torn apart for the stupid way he'd behaved, but Jon's didn't. 

And maybe this was a good thing anyway. This...grief that he felt. It had made him a lot nicer to Jon. A lot more compassionate. He could see what it was like to love someone and have them turn...cold. Act like you didn't matter. Not that he'd been like that with Jon, but...he hadn't been as open as Jon had wanted. He'd held part of him closed off, and it must have hurt Jon like hell. At least if Jon loved Kevin the way Kevin loved Patrick it would have hurt. Really fucking hurt.

Just being in the same office space with Patrick sometimes felt like more than he could bear. He'd had a week of it, and he still felt raw when he caught sight of Patrick in the mornings, walking to his desk. Each day Patrick had looked up at him and nodded. Expressionless. Then he'd smile at Owen and start chatting. Laughing. If they ran into each other in the hallways, or in the break room, Patrick would make small talk, careful not to appear deliberately rude or to be consciously ignoring him. But when they were in a group, in a meeting, sometimes he would catch Patrick watching him with a look that wasn't indifferent, but closer to disdain. And stupidly enough it was those moments that Kevin craved. That display that he still cared enough to feel...something.

Because even though he had evidence in front of him daily, proof of Patrick's ability to cut him out of his life, Kevin still held on to a glimmer of hope that...that he hadn't totally misread the past few weeks. That it had been more than great sex for Patrick and that Patrick still cared. Hadn't he told Kevin that his heart swelled when he got a text from him? Hadn't he told Kevin that he was building a future for them, together? And hadn't he held Kevin close to him, kissed him with desperate passion, fucked him with...love? 

God...Kevin missed him so much. Missed even the thought of being with him. He'd come to need him so deeply, so quickly and he hadn't even realized it. He couldn't stand the thought that he wouldn't ever hold him again, or run his hands through his hair. Wouldn't see his mouth swollen and wet from his kisses, wouldn't get to mark his beautiful body with his love bites. He wouldn't be the one to make him smile and laugh, or be the one to tease him or cook him breakfast. Listen to his funny stories, watch him blush. He wouldn't get to hear more of his childhood confessions, or learn about his most secret desires. He wouldn't share anything any more with him. And that broke him up inside. So much. 

How did you rewire your brain to not think about someone reflexively. How did you stop yourself from hearing something funny and immediately storing it away to share with the person you couldn't wait to see... Or stop yourself from tasting something and wondering what the person you loved would think of it, because they loved food so much and you loved watching them eat. How was it so sublimely easy to fall into the habit of just having someone else occupy part of your brain, but so ridiculously hard to get them out?

It felt like a limb was missing. A necessary part of him that he couldn't quite believe wasn't there anymore. And he wanted this to be over. It had to be over. He wasn't even sleeping anymore, and the fucking headaches...No fucking relief. He'd let Jon set up an appointment with a neurologist but that was a fucking joke. What would he tell the guy? Sorry doctor, but the diagnosis is that I was a total fucking idiot who fell in love with a man who can barely stand the sight of me, and I have to see him every day, and watch him laugh and chat with other people, and one day I'll have to hear about him dating somebody else and know that he's falling in love and that it won't be me and I want to just...fucking tear my eyes out before I see that happen. Do you have a cure for that?

Kevin laughed bitterly. There was no fucking cure, just a list of symptoms. 

No...all he could do in the face of this fucking nightmare of a situation was put his head down and wait until the storm passed. All while reciting to himself from his new list of favorite mantras. Which included 'get on with your fucking life, you made your bed you better lie in it'. And 'you deserve to feel like shit because you are a fucking lowlife piece of scum'. Or his current favorite 'Patrick can do better than a cheating, predatory, immoral bastard'. 

God. He was such a self-indulgent cliche. This was his life now, and he had responsibilities which he couldn't ignore just so he could wallow in his own self-pity. Firstly to Jon and secondly, to this team of people, celebrating outside his office, that were waiting for him to get the party started officially. So, he had to pull himself together and just get through, one day at a time. And right now, all he had to do was go downstairs, make a stupid speech no one would listen to, and open a bottle of champagne. He could do that. One simple task at a time. 

He took a deep breath, held if for a second, then exhaled....long and slow. Eventually life would stop being measure one breath at a time. He just had to get through it. That was all.

He stood in front of the team, smiling, laughing, the picture of the happy content boss. He'd congratulated them, and he meant it. They'd built a great product. He caught sight of Patrick, standing, sullen, with Owen and Meredith. He was staring at Kevin. Everyone was.

Kevin lifted the bottle of champagne he'd just opened, and made a toast.

'Here's to you' He stared directly into Patrick's eyes as he tipped the bottle. 'To Most Dangerous Games'. Everyone cheered, except Patrick. He just drank. Then he turned and walked away.

Kevin couldn't stop himself. He watched Patrick pick up his backpack and start for the exit, and Kevin dodged and weaved through the crowds to reach him.

'Hey, hey...' he called out to Patrick. Thank god he stopped. He thought he was going to have to wrestle him to the ground. Would he have?

'Where are you going? The party's just getting started?' He asked him. It was excruciating to have him so near, but it was better than not having him in his sights. Nice little catch-22. He didn't want Patrick to leave, but couldn't bear to be near him.

'Do you mind if I cut out early?' Patrick asked in return, cool, calm. 'You don't need me for anything anymore do you?' 

Was he fucking serious?

'Ahhh...Well that's... a pretty loaded question....' He was so ready to get into this if Patrick was. 

'For WORK purposes.' Patrick shot back. 'You don't need me to stay, right?'

What could he say? What choices did he have?

'No, of course not' Kevin sighed. 'Today's completely extra-curricular....'

'Awesome. Thank you' And Patrick was off. Kevin couldn't take this anymore. He needed something, anything from Patrick to show that he wasn't a total fucking fool...that he wasn't completely alone...He followed him out into the hallway and tried calling him back, but he could barely speak.

'Patrick' he finally got out. Christ...was that his voice?

He could see Patrick collecting himself, squaring up his shoulders as he turned round to face him. He walked back towards Kevin, staring at him as if he didn't have a care in the world. How was this possible? How was he doing this?

'Jesus...this is unbearable.' He wanted to have his old Patrick back. The one that would give a shit. 'How are you not a wreck?' He asked...so confused. 'I haven't been able to sleep for a week'

'Maybe you should take something for that.'

Wow. Ok. That was like a punch in the gut. 

'Oh. I see. Right. So that's how this is going to be then, is it? Alright' Kevin continued.

'What do you want me to say?' Patrick asked. And wasn't that the million dollar question. What did he want Patrick to say?

'Well I don't know Patrick. I just didn't think it would be this easy for you...'

'Well It's not that it's easy for me. You chose Jon.' Patrick cut in. Deadly.

Why had Kevin thought this was a good idea? He couldn't remember now, because this wasn't helping him. 

'That's it. End of story. We're both grown ups ok? We don't have to make a big deal about it.' Patrick continued, rapid fire. 

But it was a big deal, Kevin's poor heart cried out. It was a huge fucking deal. He wished Patrick would stop talking.

'I think it's actually kind of a relief. No more sneaking around, no more pretending we're not together, no more lies or secrets or stress. It's good.' And Patrick actually sounded relieved. Could he really mean this?

Because to Kevin it didn't feel 'good'. To Kevin this felt like hell.

'And no one got hurt.'

No. This was hell. Before...that was a picnic compared to this feeling, right now.

'It'll be fine Kevin'. Patrick finished, before he turned around and walked away...again. 

Patrick walked away from him or pushed him away so many times. Maybe it was time he took the hint. 

So. Patrick said it hadn't been easy for him, but he was relieved it was over, and everything would be fine, because no one got hurt. Ok. That was a very concise summary of his past week. He admired Patrick for his ability to put his emotional journey into such a simple sentence. He hated him for being relieved that it was over between them. He hated him for being so glib about no one being hurt, after he'd just poured out his soul to him, confessing that he was a wreck, that he found this unbearable. He hated him for being so cruel.

But he didn't blame him. He couldn't. He'd protected himself and he was able to walk away. And if Kevin hated him it was only because he loved him so fucking much. And he didn't hate him anyway. Not even a little bit. He wished he could hate him. Hate would feel good just about now. 

He probably shouldn't keep standing here in the hallway. Why did he lose his ability to walk every time Patrick left him? Maybe he should ask the neurologist that. He should go back to the party. Make some small talk. Chat with the staff. They'd like that. Probably. Who knew? Who the fuck cared? But it was his job. As the boss. As the man in charge, in control. Right. This was the part of his life still in his control, so he probably shouldn't fuck this bit up too.

A little later Kevin managed to escape to his office. See...that wasn't so bad. He could still have normal conversations with people. Not so easy with Owen because Owen just reminded him of...Patrick, but with everyone else he'd been fine. No problem. But it was nice to be alone in his office. Quiet for a few minutes. Gave him a chance to think about the next step. Just the first next step.

The game. That was their thing, their project. Well obviously that wouldn't be happening. So, maybe he should start by symbolically throwing away the cards he'd bought, weeks ago. A little like burning old pictures. It might feel...satisfactory, like a step, progress. Kevin opened his drawer and took out the Top Trumps game. Silly childish game. Patrick had liked the art on this set...the campy horror movie characters...the ridiculously gay dracula. Kevin held the cards in his hand. The first step to moving on. Throw the game away, he told himself.

He watched himself put the cards away in their plastic box and throw them back in the drawer. Fail.

New step. He looked around his desk for some purpose, something to do. And it was so bloody obvious. The picture of Jon. If he really wanted to move on, he should fucking well do it. Patrick was gone. Jon was his partner. The man he lived with. The man he should be in love with. The man he should want by his side. He had to fucking stop this. He DID love Jon. He'd loved him for almost two years. And it wasn't the same, it wasn't all-consuming and it wasn't desperate, and it didn't feel as necessary as breathing...but that's why it was so much better. Because it wasn't corrosive, it didn't destroy him, it didn't break him down. 

Kevin picked up his phone and called Jon. There. This was the first real step. Not a step meant to rip out the memories of Patrick, because he just wasn't capable of doing that, but a step to rebuilding his life with Jon. Which he could do. 

_Two hours later_

Jon was having fun. He wasn't a gamer, but he was good with people, and he liked schmoozing, so this was totally in his wheelhouse. He probably also liked everyone sucking up to him. The boss' boyfriend, who was also a sports doctor and knew a lot of famous athletes. These gamer nerds were in heaven. They'd made t-shirts, they'd drank beer, they'd socialized, and Kevin had seen his life laid out before him. It wasn't so bad actually. Back to the peaceful less frantic days before Patrick. Maybe that's what Patrick meant by feeling relief. From the highs and the lows...just feeling...barely anything at all. A man could get used to that. He HAD been used to that, and he would love to be like that again. 

He walked over to Jon and put his hand on his arm. 

'We can leave any time you want' he told him quietly

'I'm having fun! I told you, I like seeing you in this environment. It reminds me of how lucky I am to be sleeping with the boss' Jon teased him.

Kevin's heart dipped as him mind automatically turned to Patrick. But that was Ok. He just had to let it happen and then, move his mind on. 

Jon leaned forward and whispered in Kevin's ear,

'Since this is San Francisco, can I kiss the boss in the office?'

Kevin smiled and he nodded. Jon kissed him gently on the lips. No one paid any attention. Kevin pulled him back for another kiss, then, letting him go, smiled back at Jon. There. That was easy. That was so familiar. And one day surely he would be able to do it without thinking of Patrick.

He stared at Jon. He couldn't tear his eyes away from him as he looked at his dear, beloved face. Jon's face began to show his confusion, his concern.

'Are you sure you're ok? Is it another headache?'

Kevin shook his head.

'Something's wrong. Please tell me' Jon pressed. 

Kevin's mind was blank, except for one recurring thought. Running through his brain, over and over again. Fucking dramatic nonsense. He wished he could stop it. But his heart only knew a very simple truth. If Patrick walked back into this room, everybody else would disappear for Kevin, and only Patrick would exist. And he didn't know how that would ever change. 

'Nothing's wrong Jon.'

'Kevin...' Jon insisted.

'But I've been thinking that...maybe...we should go back to Seattle'

And this...this was the first real step. Jon smiled and Kevin smiled back. They would be happy and peaceful, in Seattle. And maybe there Kevin would find it easier to pretend the past few months hadn't even happened. He was a fucking genius. 


	13. A Many Splendored Thing

_Night of Halloween, Saturday._

'What did that mean?' Jon asked as they walked away from Patrick's apartment. 

Did he expect Kevin to provide a coherent answer? Hopefully a shrug would do because that was all Kevin could manage right now.

Was it possible, was it actually, really, possible, that Patrick had just...fuck. He didn't want to believe it if it wasn't true. He couldn't do this again. It had taken him two weeks to just be able to face the thought of life without Patrick, and now here he was, with his stupid heart flooding with hope again. They were moving back to Seattle for fuck's sake. What was he doing? How many fucking ways could he fuck his life up?

'Well, he obviously meant something by it. What the hell is wrong with him anyway?' Jon laughed. 'That was some show he put on. Fuck, he is a sloppy drunk.'

Kevin forced himself to keep quiet. There was no point in trying to defend Patrick, though it fucking pissed him off that Jon, that anyone, was laughing at him. But it wasn't his right. They weren't even friends any more. 

Jon reached out and took Kevin's hand as they walked slowly. Could he feel how sweaty his palms were? Could he feel how his heart was racing, pounding? Could he tell that while Kevin walked beside him, his heart, his mind, his whole self was still back on that stoop, sitting next to Patrick. Wanting to comfort him, soothe him, reassure him that he'd never leave him, not if Patrick wanted him to stay...

Of course his being there in the first place, with Jon, was probably one of the reasons he'd had that horrendous meltdown in the first place. Well, that and fucking Richie with his boyfriend being all over each other. Patrick seemed pretty torn up about that too. But fuck, Kevin was glad, no, overjoyed, that Richie wasn't available for Patrick to latch onto. He wanted to be a better man, a man that could wish for Patrick's happiness with someone else, but he wasn't there yet. Not even close. He hated to see Patrick suffering, but seeing him with someone else? Fuck no. Hence, Seattle.

But, did Patrick really not want him to go, or was that just more drunk ramblings? 

How could he know? He so wanted to know. And even if he didn't want Kevin to leave...did he just mean he'd miss him as a friend? He hadn't said anything about Jon. He hadn't asked him to leave Jon, or to come back to him.

Kevin was going fucking crazy with all this ambiguity. 

Why hadn't Patrick said anything at MDG this morning, when he'd found Kevin alone, playing video games in his office. Kevin had been shocked at how obvious he'd been, at how much he'd let himself reveal to Patrick, opening himself up for more rejection and hurt, but then he'd only had two weeks of practice at keeping Patrick at a distance, so he couldn't expect to be perfect at it yet.

Patrick had walked in to his fucking monstrosity of a glass cube office, scaring the shit out of him. Kevin had reached the point finally where he was able to engage pretty normally in some small talk, a little teasing banter as he called out Patrick for stealing office candy. He'd dodged one bullet when he'd stupidly brought up their smart-phone game, admitted that he'd been working on it, like the twisted love-sick fucking fool he was. Patrick was kind enough to let him brush that under the carpet quickly. He wasn't quite so gracious with Patrick though, forcing him to stumble over his invitation to his Halloween party...

'You don't have to come. I totally get it.' Patrick had said, smiling almost genuinely at him. Kevin should have left it at that. After all, there was no fucking way he was going to spend an evening watching Patrick drink and dance and laugh with everyone but him. 

But he was a perverse fucker and apparently liked hitting his own raw nerve because he didn't let it go. He pushed for a reaction. 

'Do you not want me to come?' He'd asked, almost pathetically. Please Patrick...please say you want me to come...he begged like the stupid wanker he was. 

Patrick had stumbled through that embarrassing non-invitation invitation until Kevin could barely stand it. So time for another little hit on the nerve. 

'I appreciate the gesture Patrick, but seeing like it might be my only Halloween in San Francisco, I feel like Jon and I may opt to see the sights.'

'What does that mean?' 

'We talked about going back to Seattle.' Kevin replied.

'What?' Ahhh...a sign of some feeling. Patrick looked shocked, and maybe even...bothered? Maybe not totally immune to him yet. For all the good that did him. Still, it was nice to see. 

'It would be good for us I think. I mean Jon misses his family, and I feel like I made him leave a job he really liked' That's right you fucking coward. Make it about Jon. Well, wasn't it partly though? About giving his relationship with Jon a chance to survive?

'I guess I get that but..'

'But what?' What, Patrick....what else was there to say on the matter?

'But you basically just got here right?'

'It would be better for us. For me' and this was as close as he would get to admitting he was running away. Would Patrick pick up on that, would he push for more? Well, the answer was no. He had made his decision two weeks ago and nothing had changed, for either of them. Patrick had wished him well and walked out, and Kevin had been left again, staring after him, wondering what the hell he'd been thinking to bring up this conversation, in this manner, today. 

And he was even less clear about what he'd been thinking when later that evening, as he and Jon were sitting in a bar, watching the Halloween festivities all around them, he'd asked Jon if he wanted to go to Patrick's party. He was out of fucking control. He wasn't even that drunk but he felt so...weak. They were so close to the apartment, a stupid choice on his part, but...if they were going to be leaving for Seattle anyway, what harm would it do to anyone but himself if he gave in to his pathetic need to just be in the same room as Patrick, just a few more times. 

Well, the answer to that had become clear as soon as Patrick caught sight of him in his apartment. He had not been happy to see him in the slightest. Not even a tiny bit. 

'Look I know we didn't RSVP but I thought you wouldn't mind if...' Kevin had started at first. 

'Who's we?' Patrick interrupted, and Kevin felt the first pang of regret. Fuck. Patrick was wasted. He could smell the alcohol fumes wafting off him from this distance. This might have been a phenomenally bad idea. But it was too late. Jon had come bounding up behind him and draped himself over Kevin's shoulders. What the fuck had he done?

'Err. Patrick, you remember Jon' he'd said lamely. Patrick was speechless. With rage? With disbelief? 

'Dude, amazing party. The city is nuts tonight.'

'It is nuts' Patrick agreed, a tight smile on his face as he faced Kevin and Jon.

'Totally nuts. We saw a guy on the streets, balls out' Jon grabbed Kevin's crotch in a perfectly normal proprietary manner, totally acceptable for a boyfriend, and Kevin's heart sank. Patrick's face....shit...his face.

'Balls out' Jon had grabbed tighter for emphasis. Kevin pretended to laugh.

'That is crazy' Patrick responded, so on edge he was practically vibrating. 

As soon as Jon bounced off to get them drinks, Patrick had lit into him. 

'Are you fucking kidding me right now. This cannot be happening' He said with obvious disbelief, getting closer into Kevin's space. Kevin knew he should apologize but, he was an arsehole. Finally, Patrick was showing some real emotion and it felt fucking GOOD for a second to have him hurting, to have him feel just a tiny bit of what Kevin had been feeling for two weeks. He felt evil but he felt fucking vindicated too. 

'I thought you wanted to be grown up about this...' He shot back, reminding Patrick of his own words from a week ago, about being grown ups, about being fucking relieved, about how no one got hurt...

'Oh what is grown up about bringing your boyfriend to the house of the guy that you were were fucking cheating on him with' Patrick was furious, but still he kept his voice quiet. Shit. This could really spin out of control. 

'Christ Patrick can you just...'

'Can I what Kevin? Can I what? Ok. This is MY party alright, this is my party and I'm gonna, I'm gonna just say what I want to say'

And at that moment Jon returned. And Patrick stopped. Thank fucking christ. This was not the time to have a whole confrontation scene play out. Kevin needed to get him and Jon the fuck out of there as soon as he could. They'd have to wait a little so Jon didn't get suspicious and start asking questions there were no good answers to, but he had to keep himself and Jon away from Patrick, for everybody's sake.

But that wasn't how the night had turned out. And if Kevin had wished even for an instant for Patrick to share his anguish and pain, he got his fucking wish granted that night, in spades.

Some switch had been flipped in Patrick, and in the most god-awful spectacular display, he had crashed and burned in front of all the collected guests, with the most riveting, excruciating speech Kevin, or probably any of them, had ever heard. Beyond thoroughly humiliating himself, he humiliated his friends, he humiliated Brady, he revealed his ambivalent feelings for Richie, and, leaving Kevin for last, was all set to take him down with him in flames. Kevin watched as if in slow motion. He knew what was coming, but he was helpless to stop it. Patrick's friends however, the same ones that Patrick had skewered so completely minutes before, had stepped in to stop the horror show. And it was over. He had been spared again. 

As Kevin stood there, with Jon laughing, with so many people around him gossiping and laughing, Kevin felt the full horror of what he'd done. Is this really what he'd wanted, he asked himself? To force this reaction? To see this mix of confusion and despair on Patrick's face as he struggled to understand how his life had come to this? It seemed he was enough of a shit for that to be true. But, what had Patrick done to deserve this? All he'd ever done is give Kevin what he wanted, until he decided that he couldn't be part of this unholy mess anymore. Why should he continue to suffer for having ever wanted to be with Kevin. He deserved to be over it and happy. And he deserved a fucking apology. Now.

He found Patrick sitting on the steps of his stoop, Agustin, faithful Agustin, beside him, comforting him. He needed to apologize and then get himself the fuck out of there. He'd done enough damage to this man's life. The sooner he moved back to Seattle, the better off everyone would be.

'Well, that was quite a speech' Kevin announced his presence. Patrick looked up for a moment as Kevin walked down the steps. He looked like shit. Defeated. Kevin needed Agustin to go so he could do this properly.

'Sorry, do you mind if I...' He spoke to Agustin.

'Yeah actually, I do mind' He'd snapped back. A lioness with her cub.

'No Agustin. It's fine. Really.' Patrick had stopped him, quietly. He seemed to be dreading this though. As if he expected Kevin to bruise him somehow. Kevin waited until Agustin was completely gone before he began.

'I don't know what I was thinking, I'm sorry. I'm drunk, and we were at a bar around the corner...' he started, sitting down on the steps next to Patrick, as close as he could allow himself to be. This felt familiar, the two of them. He'd fucking missed this. But that wasn't the point. He had to apologize. For so many things, but firstly, for just being here, with Jon

'I don't want you go to Seattle. I don't want us being weird to be the reason I never see you again' Patrick interrupted. And turning his head in shock, Kevin found himself staring into Patrick's eyes, nodding automatically as if in understanding. Even though he didn't understand...Not at all. He couldn't hold Patrick's look though. He was fucking breaking apart. He'd just wanted to apologize and leave. He couldn't handle this. Patrick had no idea how close he was to the edge himself.  What the fuck was he supposed to do with this statement? It wasn't a declaration. He wasn't asking Kevin to be with him...just not to go. Just to be around so he could be 'seen'? 

'Patrick...' he tried to speak, shaking his head, not knowing what he wanted to say. Probably just to beg him to not do this. To not put him through this. Kevin couldn't be his friend. 

'I'd miss you too much. If you go'. Patrick continued. So quietly. So solemnly. Kevin looked back into Patrick's eyes. He was having trouble breathing. He hadn't been this close to Patrick in two weeks. The last time had been in Esta Noche, when Kevin had tried to kiss him, to tempt him into staying. He hadn't been able to. Patrick had walked away. But now, with just a look, Patrick had him mesmerized. Did he have any idea how devastating this was to Kevin?

But as they continued to stare at each other, silently, Kevin felt the first foolish stirring of hope, and he knew he had to crush it. Nothing had changed. Patrick wasn't asking for anything other than friendship. Hadn't he wanted them to go back to being flirty friends, before Kevin had convinced him to expect more? But what if he was asking for that 'more'? What if it wasn't too late? 

'There you two are.' Jon. Perfect fucking timing. Kevin felt his appearance like a blow to the chest. He jumped up and practically ran to the bottom of the steps, as Jon made his way down slowly.

'And I thought the party was inside'

Kevin laughed weakly. 

'I just came to get that karaoke sign up sheet. Have you seen it?'

Kevin couldn't look at Patrick. This must be torture for him. He had to get Jon away. Fucking karaoke? 

'I've got that' Patrick held out the crumpled paper to Jon, not looking at him.

'I will err..I will just unfold it. Cos you know I slay Celine Dion. I really do. Don't I babe'

'Oh my god, you do, yes'. Kevin answered mechanically. Shut the fuck up Jon, he thought to himself. Please just shut the fuck up.

'Fuck yeah I do' Jon joked.

'Fuck yeah' Kevin copied.

Silence. Kevin could feel Patrick staring at him. What did he want?

'Is everything alright?' Jon asked, looking between Kevin and Patrick. 

'Mmmhmm. You?' Kevin still couldn't look at Patrick. What the fuck must be going through his mind. He had to find a way to get Jon out of his sight.

'Yeah.' Jon answered, bemused.

'Can we go?' There...that was fucking direct.

'Really?' Jon was confused. 

'Yeah, fuck me..I'm tired and I'm...I'm erm..I'm drunk' Kevin finished, lamely. He had nothing left in him. He couldn't be subtle, he couldn't be smooth, he just had to get Jon away from Patrick before Patrick imploded. 

'Ok' Jon agreed simply. 'Happy Halloween Patrick' he'd turned to give the crumpled sign up sheet back to Patrick.

'The happiest' Patrick had drawled. 

'Good luck in Seattle' He'd called after them, as Kevin and Jon turned to leave. 'I hope everything turns out the way you want'

And Kevin had been unable to stop himself from looking at him one more time, sitting there on the stoop, alone. 

But he'd walked away. With Jon. Because he didn't know why Patrick was asking him to stay. He didn't understand what Patrick wanted. And he didn't know what to do. 

As he walked the streets holding Jon's hand, thinking about Patrick on the stoop, Kevin knew only one thing for sure. He was still in love with Patrick Murray.

 _The following Tuesday morning_.

Kevin woke up well before his alarm went off. He lay in bed, next to Jon, staring at the ceiling. He'd had a dream, one that had woken him up sweating and anxious, where he and Patrick were just sitting on the roof of the office chatting, but it had been at night, and their were strings of lights everywhere and music was playing and then suddenly, as always happened in dreams, Patrick was naked and laughing and pulling him up to dance. And Kevin had hoped the dance would turn into sex so he had stood up and he was suddenly naked too and he had dragged Patrick into his arms and kissed him so hard and reached down to grab his cock...but he couldn't get to it because Patrick was always facing the wrong way, and as many times as he turned Patrick around, he was always the wrong way, and Patrick was laughing and laughing and Kevin couldn't get him to stop...

Kevin rubbed his hand across his eyes. Two full days and three nights since the Halloween party. And Patrick was coming back today, should be in the office tomorrow. He'd asked Owen to give Kevin a message about a funeral he had to go to. In Modesto. Kevin had looked it up on the map, for no good reason. 

Two days he'd had to decipher Patrick's words on the stoop, and he was no closer to understanding what Patrick was asking from him. He had been tempted so many times to call him, text him...just reach out to him to ask him. What did he want?

He leaned over to pick up his phone. It was just before six in the morning. He couldn't call him now. He scrolled to his contact and stared at the name. Patrick Murray and a number. Nothing else, not even a photo to identify him when he called. That was a fucking travesty. A joke. The most important person in the whole world to him was just two words and ten numbers in his phone.

Kevin turned to look at Jon, lying asleep, peacefully. And it was so very very clear to Kevin what he was going to do.

He wasn't going to Seattle. He wasn't going to wait for Patrick to tell him what he wanted. It wasn't fair of him to force Patrick to make the choices for them, or to force Jon to unknowingly live this lie with him.

Tears filled Kevin's eyes as he stared at Jon. It was over. He was going to break this man's heart. And he didn't even know if Patrick wanted him or not. All he knew is that he wanted Patrick, and he had to be free to ask Patrick to take him back. If Patrick said no, it was still only right for Jon to be free as well, and not live with Patrick's leftovers.

It was so fucking simple. It was so fucking hard. And it had to happen today. No more waiting, no more lies. No more putting off what was so obviously the only way this could have ever ended, from the moment he kissed Patrick at the wedding.

Everything since then had been him avoiding the truth, avoiding the pain he was going to cause, avoiding the hard decisions. And he had paid for that. He might have lost Patrick for ever. And if he hadn't, if by some miracle Patrick took him back, he would for ever have this stain in his past, of the time he cheated on this good man, the time he forced this man to live a lie. He would always be 'that guy', the cheating, lying, bastard. And if Patrick took him back, his friends would probably never trust him, always hate him, and he'd probably have to work every day at reassuring Patrick, at calming him down when he freaked out. 

And there'd be drama in his life, which he hated. And he would forever be vulnerable to Patrick, which he hated. And he'd face gossip and scorn, which he hated.

But if Patrick took him back, he'd have Patrick. Every day. He'd have his stories, and his laughter, and his teasing, and his shy looks, and his blushing face, and his beautiful body... and the whole magical hot mess that was Patrick Murray would be his. And he would love that. 

The alarm went off and Jon woke up, slowly. Kevin's heart started racing.

There was no good way to do this. He'd been fooling himself when he had told Patrick it would take time to make Jon understand in a way that didn't wreck him. There was no way. 

Jon swung his legs over the side of the bed and stretched. He turned to look over at Kevin, to say good morning. Something must have shown in Kevin's face though, because Jon just stared at him.

'We'd better get dressed' Kevin had said simply, as he got out of bed and started pulling clothes on.

'Aren't you going to shower?' Jon asked. His voice betraying his confusion.

Kevin just shook his head.

'No. Just get dressed and come inside' He said simply. He picked up his phone and wallet off the bedside table and stuffed them in his pockets as he walked out of the bedroom into the living room. He knew he was going to have to leave after this conversation. But he didn't know where he would go. Not to work. Not today. He'd find somewhere.

Jon followed slowly, pulling on his t-shirt.

'What's happened?' he asked.

'I'm not going to Seattle.' Kevin said, quietly. Jon remained silent for a moment.

'Ok. Can I ask why?' he said eventually.

Kevin looked at him. Stared at his sweet, lovely face. He took a deep breath.

'I'm sorry, Jon, but I'm in love with Patrick, and I want to be with him.'

Silence. Kevin's eyes filled with tears again, as he saw Jon's face begin to crumple.

'How long?' He finally asked.

'A few months. He left me...a couple of weeks ago. I wouldn't leave you so he left me, but...I can't be without him. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.'

Jon had struggled to keep the tears back, but they started rolling down his face anyway. He wiped at them with the back of his hand. Kevin's heart ached, but he held back. He couldn't comfort Jon. He was the one destroying him.

'If I said I forgave you for the affair, would you stay?' Jon asked quietly.

'I'm sorry.' Kevin shook his head. 'I love him.'

'And me?' 

'I love you. And I always will, but...it's a different love, Jon. I don't think either of us ever felt this way. About each other.'

Jon had laughed bitterly.

'Maybe that's true for you, but not for me. I love you like I'm supposed to. With my heart. You're a fucking bastard Kevin. You're a coward, and a fucking liar, and you're fucking breaking my heart' Jon had started to fall apart. Kevin stood still.

'I know. That's all true. I'm sorry. I'll just leave now.' he whispered.

'Where are you going? Are you going to him? You can't just leave...It's six in the fucking morning! You can't just leave without talking to me about this.' Jon had grabbed Kevin's arm.

Kevin gently pried his hand off him. 

'I'll call about stuff, but for now, I have to leave because I don't have anything more I can say. I love him, and I want to be with him. If he'll have me back you'd find out soon enough, so I couldn't pretend to you it was anything else, even if that would have been easier for both of us.'

'You could have waited' Jon scoffed. 'Then I wouldn't have known about the affair. You could have just left and then waited.'

'I'm sorry. You might not believe me, but I really am. I have tried so hard to find a way that you wouldn't get hurt, but I couldn't. Please try to remember that I really never ever wanted to hurt you. But, I fell in love, and...I can't lie about it anymore. Not to you, not to myself and...not to him.'

'Kevin...we've been happy for two years. Don't throw this away...please.' Jon pleaded

Kevin chewed his lip, to stop himself from crying. And he held himself back, though he wanted so fucking much to reach out and hug this man, who had been so important to him for so long. And the pain was as bad as Kevin had always feared. But not as bad as the pain of being without Patrick. So he had no right to comfort Jon, when he was still going to walk out and rip his heart out as he left. He couldn't give him more lies. This was brutal. But it was over. Kevin shook his head as he took a last look at Jon, then turned and walked out of their apartment. Jon's apartment. 

Only a few minutes past six. On the most important day of his life. As he walked out of the building, tears streamed down his face. But he felt lighter than he had in months. And though his future was uncertain...he was hopeful that it might be...brilliant. 

And the guilt, the legacy of what he had done...that would haunt him for a long time, and Jon's face as he broke his heart...that image would always be there as well. But...this was the first time in months that Kevin had actually done the right thing. Now all he had to do was wait.

So he did. He walked about the city for hours, and sat in a park. He had called in to the office and told them he was taking a few days off. He eventually remembered he had to eat something, so he sat in a diner and ate. Thinking. He thought a lot about Jon and about this morning, how he had been so cruel, but he knew Jon, and he knew that he would take any communication as a reason to hope, and he would use any opportunity to try to talk Kevin out of this, not realizing that this was not something that had anything to do with reason and logic. And that prolonging the inevitable was not going to help him in the long run. And Jon had called a few times, and left messages, which Kevin listened to out of a sense of duty and responsibility, but...the outcome wasn't going to change and he wasn't going to let Jon have any false hopes any more. He'd done enough damage with that shit. 

But he also thought about Patrick, and those thoughts weren't particularly more cheerful because there was so much uncertainty. He kept checking the time. The funeral would be happening today, but what time? Did these things usually happen in the morning? He would imagine so. He should wait to call Patrick until lunch time then. He had to call Patrick and tell him. Or should he wait and tell him in person? As if he could. If there was even a small chance that Patrick would take him back, he wanted Patrick to know as soon as he could. But he couldn't text him. That would be ridiculous. This was the sort of news that you had to hear, and he wanted to hear Patrick's reaction too...not wait to get a fucking text back. God...time moved so fucking slowly.

At exactly one in the afternoon, Kevin finally let himself call. He felt sick with nerves, his hand literally shaking as he held the phone to his ear. Straight to voicemail. He wasn't leaving a fucking message. Patrick would see he had a missed call and call him back...if he wanted to. If he was ignoring his call, he would ignore a message. More fucking waiting.

Of course he called back three times. And Patrick never picked up.

At around five in the afternoon, he let himself email Owen. To ask casually if he'd heard from Patrick and if Patrick was still scheduled to come in the next day. Owen's reply was not helpful. He hadn't heard from Patrick. More waiting.

Shit. He was going to camp out at Patrick's house. He'd have to stay out of the way so Agustin wouldn't see him, unless Agustin was at the funeral too...this was so fucking ridiculous.  

So he went to Patrick's house, and waited. First he waited in the bar where he and Patrick had started their lovely day together. If he sat by the window he could just see the edge of Patrick's stoop, so he would be able to catch Patrick when he came home. But as it got darker outside it was less easy to make out people's faces. Fuck it. He'd just wait near the steps and if Agustin busted him, he'd deal with it. He was going out of his mind with this fucking waiting. Where the fuck was Patrick?

It was close to midnight when he saw a car pull up and Patrick get out. What... had happened? He had an arm in a sling, and his face was banged up...what the ever loving fuck was going on? Kevin's heart was pounding so hard he was surprised the whole block wasn't staring at him. But Patrick hadn't seem him yet. He was raising his hand in salute to the car driving off. When would he see him? What would he do? 

Oh...there. Patrick saw him. And he looked...confused. That wasn't bad though, right? He didn't look pissed or unhappy, just confused. And he continued walking towards him, which was also good...probably.

'What the fuck's happened?  Kevin asked, worried.

'What are you doing here?' Patrick asked, his voice soft, wondering...not cold and indifferent...But his face, the bruises...his arm?

'Are you alright?' Kevin insisted.

'Yeah. Yeah. I just..I got into a car accident.' A car accident. Jesus...Of course he was alright. He was walking...if he was really hurt he wouldn't just be walking about. Calm the fuck down, Kevin told himself.

'I called you Patrick. You never picked up' he breathed heavily. 

Patrick looked remorseful. He didn't mean to scold him. That wasn't what he meant. Shit. He didn't want to fuck this up.

'I know..I'm sorry...'Patrick had started to answer.

'I've left Jon' Kevin blurted out. He stared at Patrick. Patrick just looked...like he'd frozen in place.

'What?' he said, in the quietest voice, just staring right back at Kevin.

Kevin nodded his head. And all that waiting just came down to this. The simplest truth.

'I'm completely fucking in love with you' he said, tears forming in his eyes. 'And I want to know...do you want to give this a shot, just the two of us...together'

'Yes' Patrick had interrupted. Firmly. Had he heard him right? Was it going to be that simple?

'Yeah?' Kevin pushed...he had to be fucking sure...

Patrick stepped forward, nodding and kissed him. Oh jesus. Patrick was kissing him. And the sweet fucking relief. Kevin reached out to pull him closer...

'Ow...my arm...my arm...' Patrick had laughed, in pain. 

'Shit, Sorry...sorry, sorry...sorry' He was so fucking sorry he'd hurt him. So many fucking times. And this lovely man, who he was so in love with had just said...yes. And he was looking at him with Patrick's eyes, the ones that showed every emotion in them, and it was so fucking beautiful. Kevin leaned forward and kissed him gently. He wouldn't hurt him. Not ever again. And then he kissed him properly, the way he always loved kissing him. The way he had told him, all those weeks ago that he wanted to kiss him. He kissed the fucking shit out of him, and Patrick kissed him back the very same way.


	14. All Day and All Of The Night

_The Next Morning_

The best sight of any morning, ever, Kevin thought to himself, as he propped his head up on his hand and stared at Patrick, sleeping deeply, on his back, naked. It would be nicer obviously if he didn't have a bruised face and an arm that, even in his sleep, he kept cradled protectively on his chest. Poor Patrick. He had refused to take any of the pain medication the hospital had given him so he wouldn't 'miss anything' he'd told Kevin when they'd finally made their way up into his apartment. Kevin smiled. He'd found the best way to distract him from the discomfort. But eventually even Kevin's love-fueled lust hadn't been a match for the pain and he'd made Patrick take the meds, which had of course knocked him out almost immediately. God knows how long he'd sleep for. 

Kevin didn't mind though. He was loving this. He had never got to watch Patrick sleep in the morning, with the sun streaming in, lighting up his beautiful face and body, the body that Kevin had been able to love and worship so much last night.

And what a fucking amazing night it had been. Patrick hadn't said anything about love, but it was clear in every kiss, every caress, every longing look that they had exchanged that Kevin's declaration was mutual. He couldn't wait to hear Patrick say the words, but he didn't really have any doubt. The man was crazy about him. Kevin smiled at the thought, and reached out to run his hand, very very gently, through Patrick's hair. It had only been a little more than two weeks since he'd last got to touch Patrick, but it still felt like he had years and years of lost time to make up for. He ran the back of his fingers across Patrick's shoulder and down his good arm, until he got to those magical fingers...the ones that drove him crazy when Patrick would use them on him, stroking him, clutching at him, pressing deep into his back or his arms when he was so frenzied with lust, deep enough that Kevin could see the imprints sometimes hours later. 

How fucking fantastic that he'd never have to worry about hiding any of those marks on his body, ever  again. Patrick had been smart enough to know that he couldn't leave visible love bites on him, but he couldn't help those fingers of his grabbing onto Kevin when he was coming, and Kevin hadn't had the heart, or the will, to make him stop, so he'd had some panicked moments of trying to keep Jon from noticing. But that was all over, and Patrick was a biter, and he loved using his mouth to lick and caress Kevin's entire body, so Kevin was looking forward to some major body marking in the very near future.

He himself had left marks all over Patrick last night, not just from his sucking mouth but also from his stubble. That was something new. He just couldn't help nuzzling Patrick all over, rubbing his face over every inch of his skin, as if trying to imprint Patrick's scent onto himself. So his poor baby was lying there, drugged, looking like he'd been beaten up and dragged through the bushes backwards. 

God, he loved him. Even in pain, even with the emotional exhaustion of the funeral followed by the accident, even with the trauma of the past two weeks and most recently, of Halloween, Patrick had been...incandescent with joy. He'd forgiven Kevin without a moment's hesitation, had taken him into his home, his arms, his body, with so much acceptance, with so much obvious adoration...Kevin had been humbled. He'd put him through hell, and Patrick was just...happy to have him back. How the fuck did he get so lucky.

Of course there was going to have to be lots of talking about 'stuff' and soul searching conversations, and explanations given...and not just on Kevin's part. Kevin wanted to know how Patrick had been able to hide his feelings so well these last couple of weeks, given his relief at having Kevin back was so obviously overwhelming...But last night, thank god, after Patrick insisted that sleep was NOT on the agenda, they both had only one thing on their minds as to how they wanted to spend their time awake. And it had taken a little inventiveness and ingenuity on Kevin's part to figure out how to give them what they wanted without hurting Patrick's poor battered body more than it already had been. But necessity was the mother of invention, and Kevin had discovered that his armchair fantasy, where Patrick would blow him while he sat back comfortably and enjoyed it, worked very well when it was reversed. 

That had been the first time of the night. 

They had stopped kissing long enough to walk up the steps to Patricks' apartment, and Patrick had briefly explained about the accident, about his arm, about his medication. Kevin suggested once more that Patrick should take the pills and they could talk in the morning. The look Patrick gave him was priceless. 

'As fucking if' he said, proceeding to drag Kevin into the bedroom.

'Where's Agustin?' Kevin asked, between the kisses Patrick was pressing onto his lips, his eyes, his neck...kicking off his shoes, trying to get them both undressed carefully, which was a fucking challenge with Patrick's arm in a sling. His own clothes were off in seconds, but Patrick's shirt was going to be a problem, so he concentrated on getting his pants undone and out of the way.

'I don't know. At Eddie's?' Patrick replied, his mind clearly on other things. Specifically on running his good hand down Kevin's chest, lingering over his abs lovingly, then reaching further down so he could take Kevin's hard cock in hand and start stroking. Kevin gasped, his eyes closing as his mind shut down, and he heard Patrick moan as he started licking Kevin's neck. But wait...Kevin had been in the middle of something, right? Oh yeah...getting Patrick naked.

'Slow down' Kevin admonished Patrick, half-heartedly. He tried to start working on Patrick's shirt. 'You'll hurt your arm.'

'Shut up and fuck me' Patrick breathed into his mouth, biting Kevin's bottom lip to underscore his frustration, his impatience with Kevin's cautious handling, never letting go of his cock.

'Ow! And how exactly am I supposed to that with your arm in a sling, genius?' Kevin rolled his eyes. 'If I so much as touch it...'

'Be creative. But please, be quick. I'm so fucking desperate for you...I've waited for so long...' Patrick nuzzled the lip he'd bitten, lapping at it, his eyes half closed with passion. Kevin grabbed his mouth in a kiss, his hands moving to cup Patrick's face, to hold his head still, to position it just how he wanted it so he could taste Patrick's tongue, lick deep into his mouth. Fuck...he'd missed kissing Patrick. One of the seven fucking wonders of the world, what that man could do with that mouth. 

He maneuvered Patrick to the armchair in the room, and pushed him down gently. 

'What...' Patrick  started.

'Shh. Let me love you like this. I want to suck you. I want you to cum in my mouth. Then we'll do more. We've got all night, remember? And all day tomorrow, and the day after and the day after...There's no need to hurry.' Kevin leaned over him, pressing kisses on his face, on his chest, his belly...

'Ok' Patrick eventually whispered, then, as Kevin's mouth reached his cock, as Kevin started teasing him with slow licks, his head had dropped back on the chair, and, reaching down to guide Kevin's head with his hand, he'd pushed his cock deep into Kevin's mouth.

'I missed you so much.' He heard Patrick say quietly, before he lost himself to the ecstasy, before he started moaning Kevin's name, begging him not to stop, to keep going, to suck him harder, to take him deeper... Kevin's eyes filled with tears as he reached up to take Patrick's hand, the one that was trying to find a way to grip onto Kevin's short hair. He clasped their hands together, their fingers entwined, and as Patrick finally came, shooting down Kevin's throat as he gasped and panted, Patrick's fingers squeezed his tightly. And Kevin felt like crying, he was so fucking happy.

He had moved Patrick to the bed after they had both figured out how to get Patrick's shirt off, and Patrick had been so exhausted he thought for sure he would fall right asleep. But he had underestimated the hunger that Patrick had stored up. Patrick had demanded that Kevin fuck him. He was absolutely adamant about it. He made it clear that if physically possible, he would totally be nailing Kevin bent over the bed this very minute, but since he couldn't do that tonight, Kevin had to oblige him and nail him instead.

'If I must.' Kevin said, stroking himself as he watched Patrick lying in the bed. 

'I could maybe lie here with my arm out to the side?' Patrick offered helpfully, his eyes on Kevin's hard cock. He licked his lips unconsciously. Kevin smiled.

'I've got a better idea, if you've got the energy' Kevin countered. Patrick raised an eyebrow, intrigued. 

'I'll lie down and you get on top. You only need to go as fast as your arm can take, and I can help if you get tired' he'd smiled, suggestively.

'You are such a prince.' Patrick returned the smile. 

They had turned on only one lamp when they'd entered the bedroom, and Kevin wished he'd thought to turn every light available on, because he so wanted to see the full detail of Patrick's look of ecstasy as he took Kevin deep into his body. 

'Fuuuuuck' he'd gasped as he'd lowered himself down slowly, so unbearably fucking slowly, his eyes wide, with that astonished look that Kevin loved. Kevin reached up to grasp the headboard, so he wouldn't be tempted to grab Patrick instead. He couldn't fucking believe it. He was inside Patrick, feeling him all around his cock, when he'd thought he'd never get to do this again. He was part of him again, filling him, possessing him as he'd wanted to do from almost the very first moment he'd seen him. And now, doing it with love....fuck cliches, it WAS different. It WAS special...It was pure fucking magic.

'Ohhhhhh.' Patrick had moaned, as he leaned back on his good arm, squeezing Kevin's thigh as he'd started a slow rise and fall.

'Oh god...this is so...fucking...good' he'd gasped. Kevin bit his lip, staring at Patrick's face as his eyes eventually closed and his head fell back. He wasn't going to last very long. The only thing that was saving him was Patrick's slow, slow movements. If he sped up even a little, Kevin would be done for.

'Oh shit...I have to go faster...I can't...help me' Patrick had begged. Kevin let go of the headboard and grabbed Patrick's hips, helping him move the way he wanted to, feeling himself get closer and closer as Patrick's gasps became more and more frantic.

Kevin's orgasm was so intense, he couldn't even make any sound. His breath caught in his throat as he forced himself to keep his eyes open so he could watch Patrick coming too. Fucking glorious.

As Patrick caught his breath, Kevin felt himself relax bonelessly into the bed. He should get up and wipe himself off, but he couldn't move. Patrick eventually broke their connection, a loss Kevin felt, and he'd coaxed Kevin into the shower. Another challenge with Patrick's arm, but again, Kevin worked it out, sponging Patrick's body down lovingly and using the hand spray to rinse him off. He couldn't help kissing Patrick constantly, and Patrick certainly never turned him away, so the shower took longer than needed, but eventually, they crawled back into the bed, wrung out. 

Surely this time Patrick would just fall asleep, Kevin thought again. And he did...for all about half an hour, after which he woke up in pain, having started rolling onto his arm, and, since he still refused to take the pain pills, Kevin had felt it was his duty, again, to distract him from the discomfort. Which he did most thoroughly. He had kissed and licked Patrick's body all over, rubbing his nose, his cheek, his mouth over every inch he could access. When they were both nicely hot and bothered, he had tossed them off, kneeling astride Patrick, staring down at his beautiful face, as Patrick had encouraged him by telling him all the things he was going to do to Kevin when his arm was healed. And Patrick had a lovely list of things he had been storing up it seemed. Kevin was going to be fucked in every room, on every surface, in every position, each of which Patrick detailed gloriously as Kevin jacked them off. This time, as Kevin collapsed on the bed next to Patrick, they were NOT going to shower. He picked up his t-shirt off the floor, and wiped them both as clean as he could. Patrick was smiling, half asleep already. Kevin kissed him tenderly, then curled into Patrick's side, taking Patrick's good hand in one of his, laying his other on Patrick's chest.

'Go to sleep' he'd whispered in Patrick's ear. Patrick had nodded sleepily and was out seconds later.

'I love you' Kevin had whispered again, knowing Patrick couldn't hear him, but feeling the need to say the words again anyway.

They had made love once more during the night, when Patrick woke again in discomfort, and this time Kevin had found a way for them to be able to suck each other off while not hurting his arm. It was definitely creative, and they'd both giggled as Kevin contorted himself to get into Patrick's mouth, but it had been worth it, because the feeling of pouring himself into Patrick's throat, while he sucked Patrick dry...Jesus...it fucking blew his mind.

The next time Patrick woke up, at around five in the morning, Kevin made him take the pills. There was no fucking the pain away this time. Patrick's face had also started hurting, and Kevin had begged him to take the medicine. Patrick had done it for him. And so now, hours later, he was still fast asleep, and looking peaceful and beautiful, even with bruises across his face, and the marks of a night of sex on his body.

This was his Patrick. And he couldn't be any happier.

Kevin was working on Patrick's laptop in the kitchen when he heard Patrick calling out for him. Patrick was getting louder each time he called Kevin's name, sounding more frantic. Kevin ran into the room, to find him struggling to get out of bed, clearly still dazed and groggy from the drugs.

'Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? Get back in bed you idiot.' Kevin moved swiftly to steady Patrick as he wobbled on his feet.

'You're here!' Patrick said, his eyes barely focused. 'I didn't know if you were here. If you were gone.' he continued weakly.

'Of course I'm here. I'm just in the kitchen, working. Get back in bed, let me get you some water. Is it time for more pills?'

'God no. No more...I hate the way they make me feel. Oh shit...' he whimpered as he crawled back in the bed. 'My whole body is sore'

Kevin tried to hold back a smile, but couldn't.

'Sorry. That might not all be from the car crash' he said. Ahh...now Patrick was smiling too...a sly, sexy half smile...the one that usually meant Kevin had a full green light for ever he wanted to do.

'So I didn't dream the whole thing then. I really came four times last night. Wow...should I apologize for working you so hard?'

'It was my total fucking pleasure, in case you couldn't tell.' Kevin grinned at him.

They stared at each for a few moments, and Patrick's expression gradually turned serious.

'I woke up and didn't see you here. I thought...maybe you'd gone.'

'Not going anywhere. If you'll have me.' Kevin spoke quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed, taking Patrick's good hand in both of his. Patrick automatically started stroking Kevin's knuckles with his thumb. Fuck...Kevin had to keep it together. He couldn't lose it every time Patrick showed him those little signs of affection he'd missed so much. 

'What happened?' Patrick asked eventually.

'Are you sure you're up for this now? You should probably get more sleep. Have the drugs worn off yet?'

Patrick nodded, staring into Kevin's eyes.

'Please talk to me. I'm so fucking happy you're here, but...I don't understand. And...I'm scared that maybe I REALLY don't understand and this isn't what I hope it is, so...please...' Patrick trailed off, his voice betraying his anxiety.

'It IS what you think it is. It's what I told you last night. If you'll have me, I'm yours. Fully. No more Jon. I ended it, yesterday.' Kevin said simply.

'Yesterday? And then you came straight here?' Patrick sounded incredulous. Did he think Kevin would wait? He really hadn't quite understood the part about Kevin being in love.

'I left in the morning and then I was waiting for you all day. I just wanted to...fucking TELL  you so I kept calling but you never picked up.' He didn't mean it to sound like a criticism, but Patrick flinched anyway.

'I'm sorry....I was at the funeral...and I, I couldn't...handle thinking about you. I was trying so hard NOT to and then you were calling so I...'

'It's OK. I didn't mean it in a bad way...I understand...really. I just meant...I couldn't wait to be able to tell you about Jon and to see whether you'd...have me back.' Kevin tried to soothe the agitated Patrick.

'Did you think I wouldn't? Patrick asked in wonder.

'Patrick, you told me one week ago that I should start behaving like a grown up, that you were relieved it was all over, and that you were not hurting. And this was AFTER I told you that I was a fucking wreck. The only thing that gave me some hope was that you seemed to want me to stay rather than to get the fuck out of your life completely. But yeah...I had some doubts.' Kevin tried to chuckle, but the memory of all of that, the memory of the pain and the uncertainty and confusion...it was still too raw.

'But you left Jon anyway?' Patrick couldn't seem to grasp his head around this.

'I couldn't keep pretending. Even if you didn't want me, I couldn't be with him when all I could think about was you. I tried it...for too long...and it just...didn't work.'

Patrick's eyes filled with tears, and he started chewing his lip.

'What did he say?' He asked, but Kevin just shook his head.

'Let's not talk about it. Not now. It's my problem, not yours, OK? I just want you to be happy that I'm here, and to concentrate on getting better.' Kevin brought Patrick's hand to his mouth to kiss it softly.

'I am happy. I am so...so...happy. I wanted to be over it but I couldn't stop wanting...what we had. I just had to pretend, for myself. Yesterday at the funeral I cried hysterically, like a baby, just thinking about how shit my life was going to be if you left completely...and then last night...fuck...there you were, like...I don't even know what. I never imagined, never even hoped that you would...come back....' Patrick trailed off.

'I am so fucking sorry that I put you through this. So. Sorry. If you let me, I will make it up to you, every day. I fucking promise you.'

Patrick sat up carefully, wincing, and stared straight into Kevin's eyes.

'Stop saying sorry, and stop saying 'if'. I already said yes. And unless you've changed your mind, or are looking for a way to back out of this, then as far as I'm concerned...we are now together. Ok?'

Kevin grinned, his eyes still a little cloudy from the unspilled tears.

'You're bossy when you're drugged out of your mind. Did you know that?' he joked, sniffing.

'I'm actually bossy quite a lot, I've been told. And annoying...so...get ready.'

'I'm so fucking ready.' And now it was Patrick's turn to grin like a fool. But Kevin could see the exhaustion in his eyes so he pushed him gently back into the bed and stood up to leave. Patrick held on to his hand.

'Where are you going?' Patrick asked, sleepily.

'Well, I think I ought to go out to get some supplies, because I've got absolutely nothing with me except the clothes i'm wearing, my wallet and my phone, and I don't much fancy going back to...Jon's apartment...right now, so.'

'Don't go. Wait for me, please. I'll be fine in a couple of hours. What time is it anyway?' he asked, clearly half asleep already.

'It's almost one. I'll just pop down to the drugstore...'

'No. Stay...We'll go when I wake up. I want to go with you....' Patrick interrupted hazily.

'To get a fucking toothbrush?' Kevin asked.

'Just stay...I don't want you to not be here when I wake up.' Patrick insisted. Kevin sighed. 

'I won't go anywhere. I'll be in the kitchen. Using your laptop. Which you should have a password for, by the way.' Kevin reassured him. Patrick just smiled as his eyes closed, still holding Kevin's hand. Kevin sat there, happy to watch him, happy to know that he'd made Patrick happy. Love really made you silly, he reflected. But...he wasn't going to fight it anymore. Cos it also made you feel really really really fucking great.

It was a couple of hours later that Kevin heard the front door of the apartment opening, and he realized that he'd totally forgotten about Agustin. Shit. This was going to be very...awkward. He contemplated escaping into Patrick's bedroom before Agustin found him, but then...fuck it. This was going to be just the first of a whole set of difficult conversations. Still...he wished Patrick was there with him. Seconds later, Agustin walked in, and came to a dead stop as he saw Kevin sitting at his kitchen table.

'What...the fuck.' was all he said.

'Hello again' Kevin attempted a fake smile.

'You have got to be fucking kidding me. Where is Patrick?' Agustin was already bristling, getting ready for a fight.

'He's sleeping. He was in an accident...'

'I know about the fucking accident, Kevin. Dom called me this morning. He said he was OK though. Why is he sleeping?' Agustin snapped.

'It's the drugs. They knocked him out.' 

'Ok, so why the fuck are YOU here?'

There was little that Kevin hated more than having people know his business, but he knew Agustin was important to Patrick, and he was going have to tread carefully. He couldn't tell him to mind his own fucking business as he would like to, but he was hardly going to pour his heart out to someone who was a virtual stranger to him. Still, for Patrick's sake, he would make an effort to be...conciliatory. Friendly. NOT aggressive.

'I came by last night. Jon and I are...no longer together. And erm...Patrick took me back' he said as plainly as could.

'Oh hell no. Your boyfriend threw you out because he found out you were fucking around, and you think we're going to let you just move in on Patrick again? You are out of your fucking mind if...' Agustin started, throwing his backpack onto the table and advancing on Kevin.

'Jon didn't know anything about Patrick until I told him I was leaving him. For Patrick.' Kevin interrupted him. He wasn't going to have anyone think that Patrick was anybody's second choice.

That stopped Agustin in his tracks, but he didn't look any happier.

'Can't you just leave him alone?' he asked quietly...almost sadly. 'Patrick's one of the best. He doesn't need to have his heart broken again, ok? Just...stop fucking around with him'

Kevin looked at the floor while he chewed his lips. He knew Patrick's friends would hate him, but...he didn't know how shitty that would make him feel. 

'What's going on?' 

Kevin and Agustin both snapped round to see Patrick standing in the kitchen doorway, naked except for a pair of boxer briefs, his arm in his sling and with the worst case of bed-hair Kevin had ever seen.

'Jesus...look at you! Dom said you were fine! You look like you've been trampled by horses!' Agustin exclaimed.

'I'm ok. The bruising looks bad but it's really just my sprained arm that hurts like fuck.' Patrick reassured him. Then he turned to smile at Kevin.

'I need to shower and I need something to eat. Could you help me again?' he asked

'Sure. I need to shower too but I've got nothing else to wear.'

'I've got underwear and t's that will fit you. Come shower and we'll get clean.' Patrick beckoned him.

'Hold on. What the fuck is going on?' Agustin protested. 'Are you serious with this, Paddy? He just turns up and all is forgiven? You're not thinking straight.'

'Agustin, I know you're worried about me, but everything's fine. Or it will be when I've brushed my teeth, showered, had some coffee, some food, and then probably more fucking coffee. So...just back off, ok? We're going to take a shower and then we need to go shopping, right?' Patrick turned back to Kevin. He just nodded.

'Paddy...'

'No Agustin. You don't get a say in this. If you want to be helpful, you can make us some sandwiches so we can eat something before we go shopping, otherwise, just put up and shut up.'

'Make 'us' sandwiches? You think I'm going to make food for...' Agustin couldn't even finish his sentence, just pointing at Kevin.

'Yeah, Agustin. Us. Me and boyfriend, Kevin. I think you've met.' 

'Boyfriend? Seriously? I can't fucking believe this...' Agustin shook his head in bewilderment.

'Believe it, and get used to it. Come on Kevin. I so fucking need to get clean. And I haven't eaten anything since the funeral reception so I'm fucking starving too.' Patrick turned and walked back out towards his bedroom.

Agustin looked at Kevin, who was barely surprising a smile. He couldn't help it.

'He warned me he was bossy, but...jesus.' Kevin grimaced.

Agustin just continued to stare at him, his concern showing clearly on his face.

'I'm not here to...hurt him. I don't want him hurt either. Ever. Not by me.' Kevin said simply. And that was as close to an admission of his feeling as he'd make. To Agustin. Then he got up to follow his boyfriend into the bedroom. Patrick had called him his boyfriend. Fuck. Yeah.

A clean and fed Patrick followed Kevin round the drugstore, chatting like a magpie. He was telling Kevin about the funeral, about the days in Modesto, about some gay bar they'd gone to. He was telling Kevin about the accident, how he was driving and they'd got rammed into by some big SUV-type thing, bloody huge stupid American cars...how Dom had been shouting out to the graves, hoping his dead father would hear his 'coming out' declaration. Patrick's idea apparently.

Kevin tried to focus on picking up the basic supplies he would need until he could arrange to get back into the apartment, but it was hard with Patrick distracting him.

'We have to go over to that section.' Patrick whispered in his ear, pointing to an aisle a few feet away from them. Kevin looked at him.

'Why are you whispering?' he asked, bemused.

'It's stuff...you know...for...sex' he mouthed the last word, making a face.

'And again, why are you whispering?' Kevin laughed.

'It's sex stuff. You know...stuff to...get clean and...lube and...stuff' Patrick grimaced.

'Are you blushing, Patrick Murray?' 

'No. It's the bruises. Anyway, all I'm saying is we need those supplies too because I don't have much at the house, so...add it to your list.'

Kevin grinned at him and saluted, like the obedient little soldier he was.

'Why are you getting shampoo...and body wash?' Patrick asked, looking into Kevin's basket.

'For my hair and body?' Kevin replied.

'But I have those. We don't need any more.'

Kevin stopped dead, and looked at Patrick. Did he know what he was saying? Of course he knew, but...did he...'know'? Patrick was impulsive and he was excited and happy, and he might think this was a good idea for now...but...Maybe he wasn't really thinking it through. Kevin felt the need to traverse these waters cautiously. There was still so much to sort out in his life, from getting his stuff out of the apartment, to finding a new place to live, to figuring out how he was going to navigate the HR issues they might face, and that wasn't even taking into account the human element in all of this. The inevitable calls from Jon's family and friends, the fallout Patrick might face with his sister's husband, Gus...Kevin wasn't sure that Patrick should be exposed to all of this. Their relationship was so new, so fragile...

'Well...erm...I was looking up some moderate hotels nearby that I could rent a room in...' he started. 

'Why are you staying in a hotel?' Patrick looked confused.

'Patrick, I'm homeless now, since I walked out of the apartment I shared with my ex-boyfriend. Remember?' Kevin continued, gently.

'But I thought you were staying with me?'

'Patrick, it might take weeks for me to find a new apartment...'

'It doesn't matter how long it takes. I want you staying with me. It's crazy to spend money on a hotel room for weeks anyway.'

They looked at each other silently for a moment, Patrick's expression a little anxious, a little uncertain...did he think Kevin didn't want to stay with him? Did he think Kevin was feeling 'casual' about them? He really did NOT get the whole 'I love you' thing at all.

'Babe, listen. There's so much shit that's going to happen over the next few days, so many conversations I'm going to have, and you don't need to be subjected to that. And your friends will go fucking ballistic if they think I'm...'

'Did you just call me 'Babe'?' Patrick interrupted him. Kevin had to think for a second.

'Err, yeah, I think I did.' Kevin nodded slowly, confused. Patrick grinned.

'That's a very boyfriend thing to call someone.' he said, obviously delighted.

'Is it? I suppose so...'

'Well now you're definitely staying with me. Let's go to the sex aisle. I'm feeling inspired' Patrick started dragging Kevin away from the toiletries.

'Patrick, Agustin will...' he tried again, a new approach.

'Fuck Agustin.' Patrick said firmly, leading the way to the aisle he was so fascinated by. 'He's never liked any of my boyfriends, and he hasn't paid rent in months, so...fuck him. And his opinions.'

Kevin laughed. Patrick was fucking fantastic when he was taking charge. He loved seeing him with this confidence, this assuredness in the rightness of them, together. But still...he had to make sure he wasn't just being carried away...it could be weeks after all. He pulled on Patrick's hand to stop him.

'Patrick, listen...'

'No. It's your turn to listen.' Patrick had turned round and walked right up to Kevin, so close he could feel his breath on his face. 'You said something last night, and if it's true and you still mean it, I want you to stay with me while you look for an apartment and sort out your life. If it's not true anymore, or if it never was, then tell me now.'

Kevin stared at him, gazing into his eyes. Well, that was simple then.

'I can't wait for you to tell Agustin.' He smiled at Patrick. Patrick grimaced, then smiled back.

'Come on. Let's go to your special sex aisle so we can buy some of those things you can't mention and don't want to think about. Wanker.' Kevin teased him, leaning forward to kiss Patrick gently on the lips.

'I love it when you talk all dirty to me in your sexy foreign accent with your sexy foreign words.' Patrick growled, low and seductively in Kevin's ear. Then, as Kevin laughed, he bit down on Kevin's ear lobe, and gave it a quick soothing lick before he shut Kevin's mouth up with his own, in a long luscious kiss. Kevin pulled back reluctantly, knowing he had seconds before he embarrassed himself publicly in this brightly lit, ever so suddenly busy drugstore.

'Let's get out of here quick. We'll go home, order some food and you can rest a bit more, get your energy up for the night.' Kevin said.

'Pizza night.' Patrick stated promptly.

'Whatever you want, babe. Whatever you want.'


	15. Friday I'm In Love

_One Week Before GaymerX, Friday evening._

Kevin watched Patrick with something close to fascination, finding it difficult to equate this well-bred young WASP with the man who burped his way through a family sized bottle of diet coke the night before.

'What are you doing?' he asked, as Patrick delicately forked his fish into his mouth. Patrick chewed his tiny mouthful thoroughly before swallowing, making sure he was fully finished before he spoke.

'What?'

'Are you kidding me? Why are you being so ...dainty. It has literally taken you five minutes to take four bites of your dinner.' Kevin laughed.

'And?' Patrick wasn't budging an inch. Acting like this was an everyday occurrence, as if Kevin hadn't spent the last week practically glued to his side, when they weren't at work of course.

'Patrick...you are a human vacuum. I have never seen anyone inhale food the way you do. You fit more in one mouthful than most people have for their entire meal. I don't know how the fuck you aren't a fat fat frog anymore, because I swear to God, this past week I have seen you put more food away than I ever though was humanly possible. And now, you're sitting here, eating like the Queen of fucking England is joining us for tea.'

'Firstly, you're wrong, about pretty much everything you just said. And secondly, this is a nice restaurant so I am eating with my fancy manners, which I learnt from years of eating with my tight-ass parents, so...suck it.' Patrick responded, obviously doing his best to ignore Kevin's grin. Any ability Kevin ever had to inspire respect and awe in Patrick had pretty much disappeared at this point. It was just as well that Kevin liked this new, cocky Patrick because it seemed he was here to stay. Kevin's grin grew broader. Patrick continued ignoring him.

'Alright, I'll let you off the hook for now. I'll pretend that this is the real you and the Patrick I've been living with for the past week is the anomaly. But just so you know, it wasn't an insult. I really appreciate how much you can fit in your mouth' Kevin reassured him, straight faced. Patrick pursed his lips as he attempted, quite feebly Kevin felt, to glare at him.

'You see? This is why we had to come out for dinner. You make everything about sex and we never get anything done' he whispered.

'What did I say?' Kevin protested innocently.

'If we were at home now, you'd probably say something about me showing you just how much I could get in my mouth and then you'd have me down on my knees with your pants unzipped. And then we'd lose another evening without working on the app, and gaymerx is only a week away, so you have to get your head out of the gutter and back in the game, Kevin.' Patrick raged on, still whispering, which rather spoilt the effect. Kevin tried very hard to pretend to take him seriously, but the idea that Patrick was anything but a thoroughly willing partner in the whole debauching each other constantly thing...well it was laughable. They'd been fucking like rabbits every spare moment they could get, and it was pretty much a tie as to who initiated what, when. Patrick had both eyebrows raised at him now though. Time to sober up it seemed.

'Sorry. I'm sorry. You're right. This is serious stuff' Kevin tried to pull it together. 'I get it. Too much sex. Not a good thing. Less sex, more work.'

Patrick sighed and stared at Kevin for a moment. Kevin tried to give him a cute smile. Patrick shook his head and rolled his eyes. Kevin tried harder to look sweet, which finally got Patrick to laugh at him.

'Alright. Forget what I said about sex. We can do it as much as you like. But can we talk about some of the decisions we have to make now, before we go home and you go all caveman on me?' Patrick got back to eating, relishing every tiny bite he was taking. But now Kevin was distracted by Patrick's reference to cavemen...

'If you're referring to this morning, I don't think they had refrigerators back in those days.' Kevin gave Patrick a slow, languid smile. The memory of this morning was making him feel very...happy. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Patrick noticed and opened his eyes wide in warning. Kevin tried to look contrite. He took a bite of his food and chewed, watching Patrick's mouth as it opened and closed around his fork. Lucky fork. Patrick shouldn't have reminded Kevin about the morning. Not if he wanted to talk about anything but sex.

Honestly... this morning had been fucking...hot. He didn't often get to pounce on Patrick anymore, and he sort of missed that, coming up on him unexpectedly like he had a couple of times before...when they could only fuck in the office.

The three of them had been having breakfast together before work, and it was probably the first time that Agustin had forgotten himself and actually been genuinely warm and friendly. Eddie must have given him a work out the night before, because he was relaxed and laid back, and had talked to Kevin as if he was just a regular boyfriend who'd stayed the night, rather than the fucktard cheating tosser that had lured his poor Paddy to the dark side. It had been very nice. Agustin was funny and smart, and like any one who knew and loved Patrick, enjoyed taking the piss out of him thoroughly. And Patrick ate it up. The two of them thought they were a regular Laurel and Hardy, yucking it up, cracking themselves and each other up. It would have actually been rather annoying if Kevin didn't enjoy watching Patrick laugh so much. So breakfast had been fun...and then Agustin had left to run some errands before his shift at the shelter. Patrick had started cleaning the dishes, tunelessly humming something Kevin couldn't recognize...when Kevin made his move.

Within seconds he had Patrick pinned against the refrigerator, and a moment later his mouth was glued to Patrick's, demanding he open up and let Kevin in. Mmmmmm. Fresh coffee and lots of sugar. The taste of Patrick's mouth in the morning, after breakfast. He had Patrick caged between his arms, but Patrick wasn't trying to get away. Kevin leaned into him, grinding his rock hard cock against Patrick's crotch, feeling Patrick against him. Delicious. Patrick was trying to take control of the kiss, and whereas Kevin usually let him, because frankly, the man was a genius with his mouth, Kevin had something different in mind for today. So he gripped Patrick's head with his hands, and held it still for him, so he could get at his mouth the way he wanted. Patrick acquiesced instantly. Kevin pulled back for a moment. Nothing turned him on more than the sight of Patrick dazed with lust. The most erotic thing ever, lips dark red and wet, tongue licking himself as if to chase the taste of the kiss...eyes half closed, drowsy looking...and his hair all mussed up from Kevin's hands. Kevin smiled. Patrick smiled back then tried to reach for Kevin's lips.

'Your arm is fully healed, right?' Kevin had whispered. Patrick's eyes had widened in confusion, but Kevin didn't give him any time to think. He spun him round and pushed him face down onto the kitchen table. Patrick yelped and grabbed on to the sides.

'I want to fuck you now.' Kevin had growled into his ear, licking and sucking every piece of Patrick's skin he could find. 'Say yes.'

'Fuck yes!' Patrick responded, no hesitation. Kevin had reached under Patrick and with some unzipping and unbuckling, finally took Patrick's lovely cock in his hands, making him moan with delirious pleasure. He bit the back of Patrick's neck, not too gently, then nuzzled into his hair, loving the smell of him, the taste of him. He almost forgot that he wanted it rough this morning, he was getting so carried away in petting Patrick, taking in deep breaths of him, but Patrick himself brought Kevin back to his original purpose. He was wriggling about, trying to get his own pants down, and Kevin remembered that what he wanted was a quick hard fully clothed shag. Keeping Patrick pinned down with one hand on his back, Kevin reared back and pulled his own clothes off just enough to be able to free himself. He'd come prepared with lube and a condom in his back pocket, and he used his teeth to rip the packet open. Patrick had lifted his head off the table and turned it around to stare back at Kevin, and at the sight of that, at the sight of Kevin preparing them both, at the feel of Kevin's fingers inside him, he started panting with lust. He'd closed his eyes as Kevin entered him, and dropped his head back down, his mouth open to take in deep breaths, his arms spreading out again to clutch the sides of the table. Fuck, he was so gorgeous, so fucking....hot. It blew Kevin's mind that all this beauty was his to play with, explore, have any time he wanted. Any way he wanted. And now he wanted it fast, and hard, no frills. Just lovely, lusty fucking.

'Oh...oh...oh,oh god...oh fuck....yes. Fuck...harder' Patrick was gasping over and over. Music to Kevin's ears. He might not be able to carry a tune, but his voice, when he was being fucked, it was the sweetest thing Kevin had ever heard.

'Cum with me' Kevin ordered him, pounding him into the table.

'Yes....yes...' Patrick moaned. Kevin pulled him back from the table so he could reach for Patrick's cock freely, and as he came closer and closer, he stroked Patrick faster and faster. Patrick's knuckles turned white as he grabbed the edge of the table tightly, coming so hard he stopped breathing. Kevin squeezed his eyes shut as he came too, though he wished he could keep them open to watch...but it felt like they would explode out of his head if he had.

'Oh....fuuuuuuck. Fuck....me...' he groaned as he emptied himself into the condom. Then, like the conquering hero he felt he was, he collapsed forward over Patrick's back and lay there, trying to catch his breath. Patrick reached back with one arm to pull Kevin's face towards him, and finally, he got the kiss he wanted, licking at Kevin's lips, pushing between them to lap at his tongue.

'Was it something I said?' he'd whispered into Kevin's mouth, and Kevin shook with laughter.

So that's what he was remembering as he sat in the restaurant, automatically eating his probably very excellent food, on his first official dinner date with Patrick, and that's what had him shifting in his seat. Cue Patrick looking at him in disapproval.

'Really? I just told you to get your mind out of the gutter, and this is what happens?' Patrick shook his head.

'Relax. Just talk to me about the app and I'm sure little Kevin will quickly behave' Kevin patted his hand soothingly.

'Little Kevin? Really? Very funny. I happen to love our game, and I don't mind working hard to make it happen...'

'That's not fair!' Kevin protested. 'I worked on it alone without you for days after you left me. I had it half coded up by the time you remembered it even existed' Patrick looked chastened. He took Kevin's hand. Gave him an awkward half smile...the one he used when he tried to cover up his embarrassment. Another small bite of food, another lick of his lips catching a little of the sauce.

'You're right. I'm sorry. And you did a great job. For someone who hasn't coded anything for real since the dark ages, you actually did pretty well. I only had to rewrite about two-thirds of it.' Kevin pulled his hand away from the now-laughing Patrick.

'Tosser' Kevin said.

'So are you ready to talk now? About what needs to get done?' Patrick pressed him, still laughing.

'Yes. I am totally not aroused by you in any way at this moment' Kevin confirmed.

'How sweet. Can we have a sampler made of that and hang it over the fireplace?' Patrick batted his eyelashes in mock adoration.

'Probably not, since we're spending all our money on this GaymerX booth that you're so in love with' Kevin shot back. Ah, so that was the difference between fake embarrassment and real embarrassment...the blush. Patrick could fake the half smile, the sideways glance, but he couldn't fake the blush. That was an important tell.

'I know' Patrick admitted, sounding gratifyingly sheepish. 'But you can't show up at these things with just a pack of business cards and some candy in a bowl. You know what these things are like. You need to have...presence.'

'I do know what they're like Patrick, being a manager at a leading video game design company, and I also know how much they cost. We are not MDG, Patrick, we're just making a little game for smart phones...' Kevin reminded him.

'And all I did was order some basic stuff.' Patrick exclaimed. 'Just a backdrop thingy, and a cover for the table, some business cards, and of course the posters for us to put up anywhere we can, and...I think that's it.'

'All rush ordered. Costing twice as much.' Kevin added. He didn't really begrudge the money they were both spending. But...he worried that Patrick was a little too invested in the game. When Patrick had left him the game had been his lifeline...his link back to Patrick, and the time he had spent on it had been bittersweet. Now Patrick had taken up the gauntlet, and was determined to put the game out there, as if...well, almost as if it represented the two of them. Which it didn't. Not at all. Because games were at heart pretty simple. Coding them was a matter of knowing how to use the language in the most elegant and efficient way possible. If you got the design right and you knew how to program, the game would become what you wanted it to be. No surprises, nothing in it that you didn't put in it. But you could live your whole life with someone, think you knew them inside out and they could still surprise you, still act randomly, out of character, come at you with something from left field. Not like creating a game at all...more like playing one. So...Kevin wasn't too keen on Patrick seeing the game as something meaningful, for them. It made Kevin a little anxious that Patrick might think everything in life was as programmable and foreseeable as a video game or a smart phone app, that he might believe if you did certain things in a certain way, you could get a predictable result. If they'd learnt anything from the way their own relationship had started surely it was that you never could predict, never could foresee...you could only...hope and trust, have faith that something would turn out the way you wanted it to.

But he was probably reading too much into it. Patrick was probably just nerdily excited about going to the conference as an exhibitor rather than a visitor, right?. It was pretty exciting. As long as they kept it in perspective.

'Think of it this way,' Patrick was saying. 'We got the artwork for free, and that could have cost a fucking fortune, you know that.'

Amen to that.

'You're sure the guy's not going to regret it. Not asking for a contract or royalties or anything.' Kevin winced at the thought of the poor artist that had so willingly given up his work just for some artistic credit. No fucking business sense whatsoever.

'He's not like that. Agustin's known him for years and he's never been interested in money...he's just excited that people might get to see his art. He's so fucking good, isn't he?' Patrick enthused.

Kevin nodded. But his mind was back on Patrick's expectations.

'Listen, you know this was just supposed to be a fun project right? I mean, it's just a sweet funny little game...it's not something of monumental significance whose future decides anything important...about us...right?' Kevin persisted. Patrick smiled at him.

'I know. It's not what you think. Or at least what I think you think. I'm not making this out to be some big metaphor for us. You know why I love our game? Because we've been pretty much stuck inside the apartment like prisoners, and outside of fucking, which I LOVE, it's been the most incredible fun to just sit and work with you on it...I love doing that. So, I love our game and I want other people to love it too.'

'I'm sorry about...not going out...it's just this is such a small city, and I don't want to rub it in Jon's face. It would be humiliating for him if I just started showing up places, happy and beaming while he's trying to sort his life out and get back to Seattle. And no one knows at work either yet, so we just have to keep a low profile, just for a little bit longer...' Kevin felt the need to explain again. Mostly because he felt like a total shit about not letting Patrick enjoy all the outside trappings of a relationship...yet. And that was the key. It was just about timing. They'd get to do all the things regular couples did, but...not quite yet. And sometimes that still felt to Kevin, and most probably to Patrick too, like they were still a dirty little secret. Hence the need he felt to continually apologize.

'I understand all of that. I promise. And it's fine, I totally get it, as long as we keep taking little baby steps towards really being out in the open, right? I mean tonight is a pretty big deal, even though... no-one we know ever hangs out in this part of town.' 

Kevin nodded, taking Patrick's hand, wanting Patrick to feel connected and not to ever feel that he was alone in this, wanting to show him that he was happy and proud to be seen as a couple in public...but not fully...not quite yet. For Jon's sake.

'But that's also why GaymerX is so important to me. Because...Jon has NOTHING to do with that world. No one from work will go since we're the only gay people at MDG, which, can I say, still blows my mind given we're in San Francisco. And Jon's not going to be there. No one we know is going to be there so we get to be out as a couple, doing something we love. That's all it is. I promise.' Patrick brought Kevin's hand to his mouth and kissed his knuckles tenderly. Giving a tiny lick as he brushed his thumb over Kevin's fingers.

'Ok.' Kevin acquiesced. 'You can spend whatever you want on it.'

Patrick grinned.

'God, you are so easy. A total pushover. Was that really all it took to get you to stop grumbling?'

'Well, that and the promise of lots more sex when we get home' Kevin grinned back, waggling his eyebrows.

'Oh no, or at least, not till AFTER we finish up some more of the coding.' Patrick said firmly. Then...with a charmingly innocent look he added,

'What would I have to do to make you let me buy us some cute matching sweaters?'

'What?' Kevin asked, bewildered.

'Sweaters. With the One Up Him logo we chose. Don't you think that would be cute?' Patrick tried the batting eyelashes thing again.

'Err...only if you let me pick them and design them' Kevin stated flatly.

'What's that supposed to mean?' Patrick was indignant. Kevin wasn't buying it though. Patrick HAD to know the truth. Surely he wasn't that blind.

'Patrick, you have the same five t-shirts you wear every day. The same two hoodies. I've seen some different clothes in your closet, but I've never seen you wear them. You have absolutely no sense of style. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE the way you look, in AND out of your clothes, but you are NOT designing any clothing for our game. I'll do that, if you don't mind.'

'I love my t-shirts' Patrick protested.

'Obviously.'

'Well, I don't mind you picking out our business-related clothing, but you really shouldn't comment on the size of my wardrobe because frankly, since you brought your clothes back, with your dozens of Calvin's and your five hundred sets of workout clothes, and your gazillion shirts, which I NEVER see you wear...there's barely enough room for my five tshirts anyway.' Patrick was grumpy.

'I'm sorry babe. I didn't realize how many clothes I have. Because basically, I have the normal amount of clothes for a functioning adult man, as opposed to the 'starving student on a budget' amount you have. I didn't realize MDG wasn't paying you enough to keep you fed and clothed or is it that you spend it all on keeping your face stuffed with food every day?' Kevin laughed at him. Patrick was back to ignoring him. Finishing up his dinner. Kevin went back to eating too, though he couldn't resist adding,

'But honestly, I only brought back what  I consider the basics. The rest are going to be boxed up and stored until I find a place to live, so...if you thought THAT was a lot of clothes...' Kevin grimaced. He looked up at Patrick, hoping to share a smile, but the look on his face stopped him short. He rested his arms on the table and sighed deeply.

'Not again, Patrick...' He warned.

'I should have been there. It wasn't right that you had to go through that alone' Patrick said quietly, stubborn man.

'And I told you, that would have been unbearable for Jon, seeing you there. How do you think he would have felt?' Kevin spoke gently. This was a very sensitive topic for Patrick and Kevin needed to tread carefully.

'I know, but, it wasn't just you at fault though was it? I was involved too and you shouldn't have to take all the blame. If he wants to rage at someone I should be a part of it.' Patrick insisted. Kevin wondered how long Patrick would feel the need to be punished. He himself knew he deserved to feel like crap and for Jon to treat him like the trash he was, but...he didn't want Patrick exposed to that. It was some fucking toxic shit.

He hadn't been surprised that Jon was at the apartment yesterday, at the exact time that they'd arranged through email for Kevin to pick his stuff up. He hadn't even been surprised that Jon had taken all his clothes and books and Nic Nacs and dumped them in a pile on the living room floor. It was spiteful, but pretty minor compared to what he'd done to Jon's life. He didn't bother sorting through anything except the clothes, to pick out what he'd need to survive the next few weeks. The rest he'd stuffed into large plastic bags where he could and dragged it all into the guest bedroom. While Jon watched. Silently.

Kevin had called a moving company and with Jon's curt nod of consent had arranged for them to come on the following Monday, pack up his stuff in boxes and take them to storage. He wouldn't even need to be there. It was going to cost a bloody fortune.

As he'd picked up the last pile of his books off the floor, Jon had finally spoken.

'Didn't take you long to drag away two years of your life did it?' He said, bitterness oozing through every word.

'You really never were in this, were you. You were always just treading water, biding your time, waiting to make your next move...' He continued. Kevin knew it was best to keep quiet. Jon didn't really want answers or excuses. He just wanted to hurt Kevin as badly as he was hurting himself. And Kevin wanted that for him too...if it would help.

'Adults don't behave like this Kevin. Don't you think it's time you grew up and started thinking seriously about what it means to commit to someone? Or is this what you want from life? Meaningless relationships, moving from one pretty young fucking airhead to the next? Is that what turns you on now? The big boss impressing his little minions? Your nerdy groupies? Does Patrick sit there hanging on every fucking word you say like you're the fucking Dalai Lama? God's gift to gay techies the world over. Does he know that you'll never let him really know you? Because you're shallow and empty inside? Maybe I should warn him. A parting gift. Maybe I should tell him to watch out, because now that you've developed a taste for them young and adoring, a newer, better version will be along in a couple of years, if that long. But I don't think I'll bother. It doesn't look like he's the type for much deep thinking or introspection. More like a fluffy little bunny, a little pet you can take out and pat on the head every now and then. You're shallow and he's stupid. A perfect match.' Jon had gone on.

Kevin had simply let him. This version of the truth was a lot more palatable for Jon than Kevin's would be. Kevin's version being that he hadn't let Jon really know him because Jon... hadn't touched his soul. That he hadn't developed a taste for anything or anyone but Patrick, and that having had a taste, he was going to hold on to Patrick with everything he could, bind him to him, make it so that Patrick was as desperate at the thought of losing him as Kevin was at the thought of losing Patrick.

But he couldn't say any of that to Jon. That would be the ultimate cruelty. Let Jon believe his own narrative. That was the best gift he could give him.

So, having cleared away every piece of himself out of Jon's sight, he put the apartment keys on the kitchen counter and turned to say the only thing he could.

'I'm sorry. Hurting you was not what I wanted. I'm truly truly sorry. Goodbye' and he'd walked out.

And of course he hadn't told Patrick the details of what Jon had said. It had been hard enough insisting that Patrick not come with him, he wasn't then going to negate the reason for that by laying out all of Jon's bitterness before him. Kevin just told Patrick that Jon was obviously hurting, had been a little vicious but ultimately, behaved like the gentleman he was. Patrick wasn't particularly buying it, but he also was sensitive enough to let it be. He didn't want to add to Kevin's burden. But he did want to share in the punishment and guilt.

Kevin sighed.

'Patrick, this had to be about what HE needed, not what we wanted. The last thing he'd want is for you to be there. And I had to respect that. It was the least I could do for him. And the last thing I'm ever doing for him. From now on its just you and me. Together.' Kevin gripped Patrick's hand again, and Patrick gazed into Kevin's eyes, a slow smile spreading across his face.

'You and me. I like that.' He'd said softly. 'But together means you don't keep things from me, right?' He persisted. 'And I know this involved Jon so you're just being respectful to him too, but that's the only exception you get. You have to share things with me, or I don't know what being together means. Ok?' He pushed. Kevin nodded, slowly.

'Ok. I promise I'll tell you one day. When it's really in the past. I promise. And by the way, that goes both ways. That whole sharing thing' Kevin looked at Patrick, meaningfully.

'What? I tell you everything!' Patrick was indignant.

'Really? Everything? There's nothing about your day with Richie you conveniently left out? The day you fucking tore my heart out then ran to spend the day frolicking around the city with your cute ex-boyfriend' Kevin asked, ever so casually. He really hated that bit of their past. That day of the office party, when Patrick had so brutally walked away from him and then, as he'd found out this past week, had gone on to spend the day with smoldering, sexy, hot Richie.

'I told you everything' Patrick insisted. 'I told you how he borrowed the money for the suit, how he wants us to be friends despite our past, how he was glad I'd left you...'

'Yeah...about that last bit. Why exactly does he get to have a say?' Kevin queried. That really pissed him off. There were enough people's opinions they had to deal without that holier than thou perfect mother-fucker chiming in.

'Because he's my friend, and he cares about me. You can be friends with ex-boyfriends you know, with people you've hooked up with. Look at me and Dom' Patrick was obviously trying to steer the conversation away from Richie. Kevin contemplated whether he should press him. There was something there, between those two, but Kevin felt pretty confident that he was the winner in that particular lottery. It would help though if Patrick would tell him he loved him. It would be nice to hear the words just to know for sure...but he wasn't going to press him. Patrick was obviously happy to be with him, and he'd had a chance with Richie and not gone for it, back in the very early days of their affair...so, time to move on.

'Ok. A friend. Just...well I hope you don't always go running off to Richie every time you need a friend to talk to. If I had to choose between him and Dom as your past fuck-buddies that you confide in or whose shoulder you cry on, I choose Dom. Though why our life has to include anyone you've slept with in the past is something of a mystery to me. They probably all still want to sleep with you' Kevin concluded glumly.

'Kevin they're FRIENDS. Not everyone's mind is in the gutter the whole time. I can have entire conversations with other people that never include sex or even the possibility of sex.'

'I can't help it if all I think about when I look at you is fucking you' Kevin told him simply. Patrick laughed.

'I think that's the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me!' Patrick gushed, fanning his face in mock shyness.

'More romantic than me telling you I love you?' Kevin grinned evilly, knowing that would shut Patrick right up. And he totally called it. The telltale blush was back, and the whole chewing his lip thing, the whole squirming in his chair...It really was mean of Kevin to do that to him. He knew he wasn't ready, but he wanted him to be thinking about it, remembering it.

'No. That was...lovely. That was very...special. But you wanting to fuck me, that's pretty lovely too.' He rallied. Kevin could wait. Hopefully not too long, but...he would wait.

'Shall we get the check?' He asked Patrick, looking at his mouth meaningfully. All this talk of sex had got him feeling revved up. And if they had to work on the game before Patrick let him have his way with him, then he wanted the work started sooner rather than later.

'I thought we'd get dessert? You don't want dessert?' Patrick complained. Time to pull out the big guns.

'How about instead of dessert we go home and you can fuck me in any room you like before we start working on the app. Any way you like. Over a chair, on the floor, up against the wall, on the bed, from behind, me on top, anything. And you can do it hard and fast, or long and slow...you totally get to pick. Then later, I get to fuck you wherever I want, however I want. But I already know how I want it. I'm going to fuck you on the bed, face to face, very long and very very slow.'

Kevin's eyes were glued to Patrick's lips but he still saw Patrick's eyes widen, as his mouth dropped open and his tongue pushed forward, just grazing his teeth. Patrick waited for maybe a moment or two before he swung round, raising his hand in the air and beckoning their waiter.

'Check please' he mouthed. Kevin grinned at him. Patrick grinned back. Now they were both on the same page.


	16. Weekend

_The Following Sunday, Early Evening - 6 Days to GaymerX_

Kevin sat on the sofa with his laptop, his feet up on the coffee table. He was supposed to be working on the app, as per Patrick's commands, but instead he was taking Patrick's temporary absence as an excuse to look through his Netflix account, searching for British comedies that he wanted to introduce to Patrick. The man had a woeful lack of comedy education, and so far he'd resisted Kevin's attempts to enlighten him, but Kevin was determined and not about to give up. He was NOT going to spend the rest of his life with a man who didn't appreciate, or at the very least, KNOW the classics, so if he had to sit him down and tie him up to get him to watch Blackadder, he fucking well would.

Oh...wow. The thought of Patrick tied up was actually quite intriguing. He'd never really been in to that but Patrick was so 'handsy', it would probably drive him completely fucking insane to have his hands immobilized. Which could be very very interesting. He could imagine it in quite perfect detail. Patrick on his back, hands tied to the headboard, stretched wide enough that he couldn't move his head much either...oh...the possibilities of how he could torture that man, playing with him for hours, hearing him pant, gasp, beg...

'What are you doing?' Patrick interrupted Kevin's lovely daydream, walking in from the kitchen, suspicion clear in his voice. Shit. Caught red handed. Thank god he hadn't stuffed his hand down his pants as he'd been about to. And thank god the laptop was covering his boner. Patrick would NOT be amused by Kevin slacking off...again. Though...maybe if he shared where his mind had got to...No. Kevin was going to keep this one quiet for now. He was going to surprise Patrick with it one day...maybe on Kevin's birthday. He was pretty sure Patrick would be up for it if he used his most persuasive powers. Definitely worth a try.

'You're supposed to be working' Patrick complained, pushing Kevin's legs off the coffee table with his own as he put the tray of food down.

'I cook, you work....remember?'

Kevin threw his laptop off to the side as he went for one of the bowls of steaming mac'n cheese Patrick had brought in.

'So this is it? The famous recipe?' He was stupidly excited at the idea that Patrick had cooked for him. And chosen to cook his favorite comfort food, no less. It was so...domestic.

'It's not that big of a deal. I just thought we both needed a break from all the takeout...so, bon apetit' Patrick shrugged. So fucking sweet. How could he ever think of tying this adorable, lovely, sweet sweet man up?...Kevin didn't think he'd be able to wait until his birthday. Maybe Thanksgiving? That was only a couple of weeks away. He'd have to get some rope. Or just use ties? He'd definitely have to look up some knots on the internet.

Shit...now he had to put the hot bowl of mac'n cheese directly on his dick so Patrick wouldn't notice. Fuck that would be painful. 

'I really hope that's as painful as it looks' Patrick said, staring directly at Kevin's crotch covered with the steaming bowl.

Busted. Well, at least he could move the bowl back off his lap and onto the table. 

'It's not my fault. I promise.' Kevin tried to wheedle his way out.

'Of course not. It never is. Somehow it's my fault, even though I've been in the kitchen for half an hour while you were supposed to be fixing the code you wrote for the scoring algorithm, so the game could actually BE...a game' Patrick seemed resigned.

'Sorry. Its just...well...if it's any consolation, you were very hot...in my head' Kevin smiled at Patrick cheekily. Patrick rolled his eyes, laughing, but his heart wasn't in it. Kevin suddenly sensed something more was going on. He'd been so carried away with his own graphic thoughts that he hadn't picked up on the fact that...something was wrong, off.

'What's the matter?' Kevin asked him quietly.

'Nothing. Eat the food while it's hot.' Patrick was definitely avoiding something.

'It can wait a minute. Tell me.' Kevin persisted. Patrick wouldn't look him in the eyes, and Kevin started to get...worried. Flashes of distant Patrick, the man who could tune him out, the man who could turn his back on him with seeming ease, thoughts of that Patrick crowded Kevin's mind. Fuck no. He wouldn't let him get away with that. Not again.

'Patrick. What's happened, and don't tell me nothing cos I'm not going to let it go until you tell me.'

Patrick was silent, eating his mac'n cheese with single minded purpose, obviously looking for a way to either say something he knew Kevin wouldn't like, or more likely, looking for a way to avoid the subject entirely. For someone who loved talking and discussing and analyzing, Patrick was surprisingly cagey when it came to revealing things about himself that he found confusing. Kevin sighed quietly. It looked like this evening was shot to hell. He turned to his food and started eating, giving Patrick time.

'This is delicious, by the way.' Kevin told him. 'You can make this for me anytime. I love it.' And still he waited.

'I don't want to be 'the nag''. Patrick blurted out. Ok. Slightly out of left field, not what Kevin was expecting, and knowing Patrick, surely not really the problem, but...he would go with it.

'The nag? You mean about the game?' Kevin prompted.

'I tell you we have to work, you do something to distract us, I tell you off and then we have sex. When did I get to be the prudish nag? I don't want to be that...person. I don't like that role.' Patrick stated, somewhat belligerently. Kevin had to think for a moment. What the hell could this be about? Shit. He was feeling a little clueless and that was a dangerous way to be around Patrick.

'Ok. I thought most of it was just us joking around though. You know I care about the game too, and that whole teasing about sex...well...it was just in fun right? I thought...you enjoyed it...the whole teasing you about being irresistible thing...which is totally fucking true...but if it's bothering you then...I can stop joking about it.' Fuck...that was not put very elegantly at all. Patrick didn't seem any happier either.

'Nags are cliches. I don't want to be that. I'm 29 for fuck's sake. Why do I get the role of being the sensible one. And isn't it a little too soon for roles anyway?' Patrick was clearly more agitated than ever.

'Ok...no more roles, I promise. No more teasing about it.' Kevin tried again, though he wasn't sure what he was promising. Patrick didn't want Kevin finding him irresistible? Or he just didn't want Kevin joking about it? Or he wanted Kevin to take the game more seriously? Or...he suddenly felt things were moving too fast, and felt trapped by Kevin's constant presence? Shit...caring about what someone was feeling made life very complicated when that someone was...Patrick. Now Kevin was starting to bug out, and he couldn't let that happen because when he felt anxious he could get pretty aggressive, and that would NOT help this situation, even though he didn't know what this situation was even about! He took another bite of mac'n cheese, concentrating on the bowl of food in front of him...buying them both some time.

'Is it just the sex?' Patrick asked eventually. Quietly. Kevin felt...confused. So many ways to take that question. He needed some clarity.

'I'm not sure what you mean...' He said, hesitantly. He really didn't want to get this wrong. Within the time it had taken Patrick to cook the meal he had transformed from a happy, smiling, teasing lover to...this. Someone clearly on the edge of some crisis that Kevin didn't understand.

'I mean...is it just the sex. Between us. Is that why you left Jon?' Patrick was still staring down at his bowl, but his teeth were clenched and he was gripping his fork like it was some sort of lifeline.

Where the FUCK had this come from? Kevin knew he should stay calm but...fucking hell...this was a little too much!

'Is that a serious question, Patrick? Are you actually asking me if I left my boyfriend of two years because...I get a hard on for you? What. The. Fuck. If you...'

'Megan texted me.' Patrick interrupted, finally turning round to look at Kevin, breathing quickly, erratically.

Fuck. Kevin stared at Patrick, all his growing anger and frustration dissipating in an instant. So...it had started. 

'What did she say?' Kevin asked quietly.

'Oh...nothing much. Just...she was shocked to find that her little brother could be such a naive, despicable shit, and that I should know that when you've had your fun you'll move on, and that she's ashamed of me...and...'

'Ok. Hold on.' Kevin interrupted, his heart sinking with every word. 'What part of anything she said do you believe? That you're naive? That I'm just having a bit of fun to pass the time? What's the thing that's bothering you?' 

'Am I naive? I mean, we've been having sex all the time, it's all you seem to want to do. And I don't know if that's normal, but...' Patrick was in full-on freak out mode now. Fucking Megan. No...that wasn't fair. It was Jon who was obviously telling her his opinions and he couldn't blame her for believing his view point. She didn't know Kevin...But really...she DID know Patrick. And to text him that crap...she must have know how that would effect him. So, yeah. Fucking bitch. But no time to waste on her...Patrick was his only priority, and now he knew what the problem was...well...it would be his utmost pleasure to tell Patrick all the things he loved about him OTHER than the phenomenal sex. He had a long list, and he was fucking happy to go through it, one item at a time if that's what it would take.

'Listen.' Kevin cut Patrick off. 'I'll tell you exactly what this is, for me. I told you that night, on the stoop. And I really hope you know me better than to think that any of this was easy for me to do, and that even if you WERE naive, which you're NOT, not about this...but even if you were, that still wouldn't make this...what we have...it wouldn't make it wrong.'

'But the constant sex...'

'That's not fucking true, Patrick. It's just not true!' Kevin persisted. 'We've done so much more. And yes, the sex is fantastic and I can't get enough, but that's because it's you and me, not because it's some random dick I'm sucking. It's because I look at you and I'm so fucking happy that I get to be with you and there's no cloud hanging over us, or there wasn't until...well, I'm so glad that I'm here and I can fucking get to hold you and kiss you and not fucking look at the clock, and so yeah...I want to fuck you all the time. But I don't. I also talk to you. About fucking everything. I laugh with you. I go to work and I design video games with you. And we come home and I eat with you, and I chat with your friend Agustin...about YOU. And I watch TV with you and cuddle with you on the sofa, and I hold your hand. And I make plans with you. And not just about GaymerX but about things like who's going to do the fucking grocery shopping. And every day I look at you and I can't believe I waited so long to get to be with you...like this. And NONE of that stuff has anything to do with sex.' 

Kevin was breathing heavily now too.  Patrick's eyes were suspiciously shiny, and he was chewing his lip in his agitated fashion, but...he was staring at Kevin, and he seemed...mesmerized. That must be a good thing, Kevin thought. But he had more to say.

'I love having sex with you. I love it every way we do it, and I hope you do too. But I didn't leave Jon so I could have the best sex of my life. I left him because I didn't want to be without YOU. Without your stupid fucking sense of humor and the way we crack each other up. Or without your nerdiness and that need to beat me at video games, which also pisses me off because you usually do. Or without your ridiculous insecurities which stop you from realizing how lucky anybody that gets to be with you really is. Or without your huge appetite for living. How you're scared to do things, but you still fucking do them anyway, like sitting on a torpedo and asking a stranger out, and making a new build of Naval Destroyer to impress your twat of a boss who was rude as fuck to you, and making me choose between you and Jon. Or without your loyalty and the way you care about your people, the way you collect people and stick with them, and don't let them go and the way they stick to you, gravitate towards you because you're fucking sweet and...' Kevin ran out of steam. Patrick had to know though. He'd told Patrick he was in love with him, and he had tried to show him but...maybe a bigger gesture was needed.

'Look Patrick, if it's what you want, we don't have to have sex. I can move out for a while, go to that hotel I found, give you space to figure out in your head how you're feeling about this whole...'

Kevin couldn't finish his sentence because Patrick had lunged at him and he found himself pinned on the sofa, under Patrick who was kissing him like...well...like Patrick always kissed him. Engrossed, engrossing...passionately. Patrick's tongue was in his mouth and he felt like Patrick was trying to eat him up, and it felt...fantastic. He felt Patrick's hands fumbling at his belt, his zipper...

'Wait, wait...hold on.' He tried to escape Patrick's mouth, tried to stop his hands. 'We just said...'

'No.' Patrick growled into Kevin's mouth, evading his attempts to stop his busy hands. 'You just said a lot of stuff and now I want to fuck you.'

'But...the game' Kevin protested weakly. Patrick's hands had found his hard cock, and Kevin had only a few seconds of resistance left. God...he could feel his spine tingling as Patrick started stroking him. And knowing what Patrick was going to do to him...he grew even harder and Patrick moaned.

'Fuck the game' he whispered in Kevin's ear, sucking at his lobe, kissing his way across Kevin's face back to his mouth where he took Kevin's lip between his teeth and bit down. Kevin's eyes rolled back in his head.

'Your sister...' he tried one last time...God he wanted this so much but he didn't want Patrick regretting anything...Patrick pulled back and stared down at him.

'Please don't mention my sister while I have a boner, I am holding your dick in my hand and am about to fuck you in the ass.'

Kevin laughed and pulled down Patrick's head for more wet kisses. This time it was his tongue in Patrick's mouth.

'All right' he whispered when he could. 'But we need supplies. Let's go to the bedroom.'

Patrick jumped up and pulled Kevin behind him. Seconds later Kevin was lying facedown on the bed while Patrick was pulling off his pants. And seconds after that...fucking heaven. Patrick was sliding into him, slowly, considerately. The feeling of being filled like that, of Patrick angling himself so he could hit that magic gland, nailing it over and over... Kevin was going insane with lust. He could hear Patrick's grunts as he pushed in, matching his own moans as he was thrust into the bed, his cock rubbing against the mattress. No finesse, no subtlety...pure possession. 

Kevin moaned as he felt Patrick pull out. What....? Then Patrick was turning him over and staring into his eyes as he pushed back inside.

'I want to look at you. I want to see you cum' Patrick panted, dropping his forehead onto Kevin's.

'Ok.' Kevin managed to whisper as he started to stroke himself, matching Patrick's steady, mind-blowing rhythm.

'Fuck...I love...this.' Patrick moaned, grabbing Kevin's mouth again, obviously close to finishing. Kevin squeezed his eyes shut, listening to Patrick's breathing, his gasps. Always enough to send him over the edge, especially as Patrick's face was pushed close to his and he could feel the smooth skin of his cheeks against his own stubble, the softness of his hair falling against his eyes. 

'I'm coming. Fuck me...I'm coming.' He gasped into Patrick's ear, and Patrick went wild, rearing up on his arms, fucking him into the bed, looming over him, his sweat dripping off his neck onto Kevin, never losing eye contact with him, not even at the very end, as his eyes grew larger and unfocussed, and Patrick came and came and came...

Patrick fell onto Kevin's chest, his head landing on Kevin's shoulder, right in that sweet spot, where he felt Patrick's head belonged. Slowly, still trying to catch his breath, Kevin brought his arms up to hold Patrick close. This was heaven. Lying here with his love in his arms, knowing that he'd been able to find the right words to make Patrick believe him, make Patrick want to be with him, hopefully make him feel the same way that Kevin did. God...to hear him say that though...that would be...fucking glorious. Not that he had doubts...but, to hear the words would be very very...nice.

Recovery was slow, but eventually they both had calmed down and their breathing was slow, steady...synchronized.

'I'm sorry about the food' Kevin murmured, half asleep.

'I can heat it up. My mom showed me a trick' Patrick replied lazily.

'That would be nice. I'm fucking starving' and as he said the words, Kevin realized how true they were. 'Come on, let's get back. You heat up the food and I'll work on the code' Kevin pushed at Patrick's body. Patrick leaned up on one hand and stared down at Kevin.

'I'm sorry about the freakout. I knew something would happen eventually but...I obviously wasn't prepared enough for Megan.' Patrick said quietly.

'It's going to happen, Patrick. People are going to talk, and they won't be kind. Mostly about me, but...they'll say stuff about you too. If you're not ready...'

'I am. I am so ready. Please don't doubt me. I know I freaked out but...sometimes that's the way I get to really...know what I want. It's a pain in the ass, I know. And I'll try to be work on that. But..If Megan knows it means Jon is telling people, right?' Patrick looked at Kevin with what seemed like growing excitement. Kevin nodded hesitantly.

'So...we can take more of those baby steps. If he's not hiding it, then we can be more open too.' He continued.

'Patrick, we still need to be respectful. I don't know who he's going to tell. Gus is his best friend, but, that doesn't mean he's telling everyone. We can be a little more open, BUT, we need to go slowly. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. There's nothing I want more than to just...fucking shout out to the whole fucking world that Patrick Murray is my boyfriend and I get to fuck him whenever he lets me...but...we have to wait. A little longer. Please...just so Jon can...keep some dignity.' Kevin pleaded. He knew how difficult this situation was for Patrick, but while he was willing to do anything to make Patrick understand how he felt about him, he also really wanted to minimize the fallout all of them would face. For Patrick's sake. For Jon's sake. 

Patrick looked at him thoughtfully, and Kevin held his breath. He didn't want to set off another crisis when the first one had only just been resolved. Patrick smiled.

'Ok. For now. A little longer. But then I want everyone to know that Kevin Fucking Matheson is my boyfriend and he finds me irresistible and likes everything about me. Ok?' 

Kevin grinned.

'I do. I like everything about you. Even your nagging. So please don't stop. This new bossy Patrick is one of my favorites. Along with dorky Patrick. Awkward Patrick. Bumbling Patrick. Embarrassing Patrick...'

'Shut up.' Patrick laughed. 'And since you mentioned it, time to get back to work.' Patrick looked down at Kevin's chest, and his own, and grimaced. 'After we clean up.'

Half an hour later they were back on the sofa. Patrick in his boxer briefs and an old raggedy t-shirt, Kevin shirtless in his exercise shorts. They were stuffing their faces with the newly heated mac'n cheese. It was so fucking good. But Kevin would have to spend an extra half hour at the gym working off all the oozing fat he was shoveling in his body. 

'Do you want to come to the gym with me tomorrow morning?' he asked Patrick casually. He loved exercising, working out, sweating out the stress, mindlessly honing his body while losing himself to the physical rhythm of repetitive motion...almost like sex but not nearly as good. It would be fun to have Patrick with him though. Watching him sweat, watching his muscles flexing.

'No fucking way' Patrick shut that down. 'There's no way I'm standing next to you in a gym. You've got the body of some Greek God and while I appreciate that in private, and while I can't wait to show you off to everybody, I do NOT need comparisons made between us by a bunch of homos salivating over you as you pump iron. No thank you. Anyway, I have my own routine.'

'You know you're gorgeous, right?' Kevin smiled. He still found it incredible that Patrick was so oblivious to the way he looked.

'Right. Me and my chunky thighs. Stunning' Patrick laughed.

'I love your thighs!' Kevin protested. And he really did. He was so...sturdy. He had the face of an angelic boy, perfect all-American bone structure, all on top of a totally huggable, totally fuckable, solid, smooth body. Covered in freckles. Hundreds of them. Probably thousands. Kevin had traced them with his hands, learning the patterns they drew all over his back, his shoulders...his chest. He'd also licked at them with his tongue and kissed them. Not every one of them because there were so fucking many, but overtime he was sure he would get to each one, several times over. They were like a beautiful map, a lovely join-the-dots book all of his own, that only he got to see. If Kevin didn't feel totally shagged out he would love to show Patrick exactly how much he loved his body. So he told him instead. And Patrick, predictably, blushed and fidgeted. Fucking adorable.

'I guess I'm not too bad. But freckles? Really? They are sooooo not sexy. You have some very strange fetishes.' Patrick shrugged. 

'I wouldn't call them fetishes. I just happen to like your freckles.' Kevin protested.

'Do you have any flaws at all? On your body?' Patrick mused. Kevin laughed. He'd worked hard on his body. He liked to be healthy and yes, he liked to look good. He liked having muscles, broad shoulders, a flat stomach...but the fact that Patrick loved them...well, that was fucking awesome. The fact that Patrick liked to feel his muscles flexing when they were having sex, and he liked running his hands over his abdomen and over his ass...all pretty great.

'I hope you appreciate my stunning intellect and my razor sharp wit too. I'd hate to think you were shallow enough to only want me for my body.' Kevin joked.

'Well...actually it was your accent that I first noticed. Not your body. But then...I noticed that you looked good in that tight shirt, and you had a really cute smile, even though you weren't smiling at me. And actually, I didn't really think you were very funny at all until a lot later, because frankly you were a total ass when I met you.' 

Kevin grimaced. He remembered those first days too, when he was so desperate to put Patrick in his place, to turn him off because he knew he was like some fucking ticking bomb, waiting to explode his life and smash it to pieces. He should have just given in to the inevitable that first night they'd met. Saved them both a lot of pain. 

'Sorry. I was an ass wasn't I. But honestly, that night, it was SUCH a ridiculous scene. Us both straddling torpedoes, you grinning like a fool, your TERRIBLE English accent, so obviously trying to hook up with me...it was very hard to resist taking you down a peg or two.' The memory of that while bittersweet, was still a LITTLE funny, and worth a couple of laughs Kevin thought. Obviously Patrick agreed because he grinned sheepishly.

'You have no idea the courage it took for me to do that...to follow you into that room.' Patrick admitted. 'I'd just had a couple of disastrous dates where I'd behaved like even more of a total dick, and I was determined to just...go for it...and then I totally flamed out. That was one rough fucking week.' Patrick was shaking his head. He picked up his laptop and started tapping at it, returning to work like the conscientious little boy scout he was born to be. Kevin was not so ready though. It was sometimes easy to forget that Patrick wasn't that experienced at relationships. He felt a pang at the thought of a sad, bewildered Patrick, not understanding how to get what he wanted, not understanding why he was being rejected. He didn't want Patrick to ever feel like that again. He wanted him to feel secure, and wanted, and loved. 

'Well...I'm glad you went for it. I certainly noticed you. I couldn't get you out of my head from that moment on. And even if the first impression wasn't entirely favorable...it was a STRONG impression.' Kevin assured him. Patrick looked over at him...seeming to hesitate for a moment, then looked back at his screen.

'Patrick.' Kevin called his attention back. 'What is it?' He asked gravely.

'That night...if you hadn't been with Jon, if...you'd been free. Do you think we would have ended up here? Like this? Together?' 

Kevin thought back to the weeks of desperation as he tried to get Patrick out of his mind. To the weeks of self-recriminations and guilt as he'd tried to ignore his growing infatuation while he tried to build a life with Jon. To that first night when he'd seen this magical, beautiful boy and felt scared, and had been relieved when he'd turned out to be awkward and bumbling and dorky, but he'd still thought about him and dreamt about him and knew instinctively that he'd met someone that could change his life if he let him...

'Patrick...there isn't a scenario where we would meet and I would not want us to be right here, right now, like this. You are...everything...I wanted. Please try to remember that. Whatever you hear, whatever your sister says, or your friends...or anyone that knows me and may find you...please...remember that.'

Patrick smiled, his sweet, happy smile. The one that made Kevin feel like he'd done something right. He pulled Patrick close to him, hooking an arm over his shoulder and bringing him in to his side. He picked up his laptop with his free hand and started bringing up the code he needed to finish. Patrick leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. 

It was fucking awkward trying to type with one hand while the other was wrapped around Patrick, stroking his arm, but Kevin wasn't letting go. He was not fucking letting go.


	17. Last Friday Night

'Don't you think we should be home, running some more tests?' Kevin asked Patrick, wondering for the 100th time why he let himself get talked into Patrick's impulsive decisions over and over again.

'Shhh. I hate this bit. The crow is about to fly to the window. And it's rude to talk at the movies' Patrick shushed him, whispering. Kevin turned to stare at him. Seriously?

'Patrick, everyone here is talking. They're reciting the bloody script for God's sake.'

'Oh shit. Here it comes. Oh my fucking god. Every time. I swear. I know it's coming...but every fucking time it scares the shit out of me.' Patrick laughed, still whispering though.

'Did I tell you I don't like horror movies?' Kevin leaned over to whisper, very loudly, in Patrick's ear. Patrick elbowed him away, so Kevin sat back resignedly in his chair. The things he did for this man. It quite boggled his mind. But somehow, today had become Patrick's day. The day when everything he asked for seemed finally to be happening, and he was so delighted and so giddy with joy that Kevin just couldn't deny him anything. Even though they should be at home, running more tests so that tomorrow, at GaymerX they would have a product that actually stood a chance of actually working. A point he'd tried repeatedly to make throughout the day, but which Patrick was in no mood to hear.

So here they were, celebrating their 'coming out' at work by watching a re-run of a god-awful classic horror movie, in a theatre packed with horror fans, screeching and hollering at the screen. This was a very interactive performance it would seem. Kevin closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He really did hate horror movies. If he could just slip in his earbuds he could take a quick nap and use this time productively, but Patrick would probably have an opinion about that too.

He was on a roll today though. Since Patrick had persuaded Kevin that he should turn up at work wearing that sweater, there'd been no looking back. Kevin needed to remember that he was always at his weakest in the mornings, after sex with Patrick. Actually any time after sex with Patrick he was pretty much putty in the man's hands, and Patrick was coming to realize that unfortunately.

Patrick had been adorable this morning. He'd tried to make Kevin breakfast in bed which was ridiculously sweet, even though it had all ended up on the floor and they had to ultimately spend almost ten minutes clearing the mess up, mopping up the granola sodden with sticky coffee, chasing the fucking goji berries from under the bed, vacuuming all the shards of broken cups. Still...the thought was what counted and it had been very very touching. Patrick had woken up with an abundance of energy, probably because he was giddy with excitement about the conference on Saturday, and also because he'd slept like the dead the night before. He'd passed out on the sofa, curled into Kevin while they mindlessly watched comedy central shows. They were both exhausted, having spent late nights fucking like they'd just discovered sex, while also attempting to finish the app, trying to get it ready for it's grand unveiling, and Patrick had finally declared programming DONE. It was what it was, and they couldn't keep fiddling with it. Kevin agreed...somewhat, so he'd carried on doing some last minute checks while Patrick slept against him. Eventually, he'd half dragged half pushed a mostly-comatose Patrick to bed before washing up and joining him. Of course as soon as Patrick felt Kevin cuddle up behind him, he woke up just enough to ask for sleepy sex, which Kevin was happy to oblige with.

Sleepy sex had been a lot of fun. Patrick was lazy and pliable, and Kevin enjoyed stripping him naked, like unwrapping a lovely present, he enjoyed the unhurried, slow build to orgasm, rocking himself into Patrick, watching Patrick lie back, eyes closed, with a dreamy half smile on his face, his sighs deep and even. Only towards the end, almost as if caught by surprise, Patrick's eyes widened and he'd suddenly come to life, clutching at Kevin's arms, his shoulders, pulling Kevin's head down for a deep deep kiss, gasping into his mouth as Kevin stroked him to orgasm. Then Patrick pretty much lay back and fell asleep while Kevin sighed and cleaned him up as best he could. He'd regret letting him sleep without washing up in the morning, but he didn't have the heart to wake his poor baby up, especially as it was one of those rare moments were Patrick was knocked out after sex as opposed to being energized and chatty, and Kevin realized he would be able to get some sleep too without having to pretend to listen.

Note to self, though. He really needed to insist Patrick at least brushed his teeth before bed.

'Your breath is terrible' he'd told Patrick this morning, as Patrick lay on top of him, probably thinking that he was getting to watch Kevin sleeping as he lazily drew gentle circles on his shoulder. Patrick had ordered him to go back to sleep, which he was only too happy to do, until he was woken by the crashing of plates and cups on the floor.

'Leave it. Come to bed...' Kevin had coaxed Patrick as he started to clean up. He wanted Patrick back beside him, on top of him, in bed with him.

'YOU in bed is all I need' he'd half joked as Patrick fell on him and started raining minty-fresh kisses on his mouth. He was sooooo excited about the conference. His joy was irrepressible. Not even Kevin's slightly anxious concerns about their readiness was getting him down, and Kevin was impressed. He would have thought Patrick would be a bit of a nervous wreck about it, but...he was surprisingly confident and happy. It was nice. And what was also nice were Patrick's wandering magical fingers, that were sweeping up and down his body as he talked about the conference. They had a very predictable effect, especially as Patrick casually played with his nipple. He was so...proprietary about Kevin's body now. He had taken full ownership and pretty much did what he wanted with it, and that made Kevin really fucking happy. To have Patrick draped across him, playing with his body...fucking heaven. Enough about the fucking conference.

'Well, I'm excited too' Kevin told Patrick, smirking cheekily. Patrick looked down to where his hand was grazing Kevin's obviously growing cock, and he smiled.

'Clearly' he said, low, seductively, before rolling back onto Kevin and taking 'matters' into his own hands. Almost as a continuation of last night's sleepy sex, Patrick had taken his time stroking and nuzzling Kevin, driving him crazy with his lapping tongue and teasing fingers. He'd moved down Kevin's body slowly, deliberately kissing every inch of skin he could access lovingly, maddeningly...slowly.  Too fucking slowly. Kevin was panting, trying his hardest to stop himself from shoving Patrick's head down himself, when Patrick finally gave the first tiniest lick to Kevin's aching cock. Followed by long, languid licks...but still no mouth. Kevin really really wanted his mouth on him. He was about to beg when....ahhhh. Patrick took him deep inside and started sucking.

'Fuck...that's fucking...so good.' Kevin gasped, and then that was the last thing he said until he shot his cum down Patrick's throat. He lay dazed and replete, contemplating what a lovely thing it was to be woken by your lover bringing you breakfast in bed, even if you didn't get to eat it.

'I'm sorry. I should have warned you. I know it's not something you love to do.' Kevin said sleepily, as he stroked Patrick's head, laying on his stomach.

'I don't mind. I actually...well...I like it. When you cum like that. It's hot.' Patrick murmured, as he pressed kisses onto Kevin's belly.

'And a lot less messy' Kevin noted. Patrick laughed.

So, morning sex with Patrick meant that when he saw Patrick wearing his Gant sweater, the very same sweater Patrick had mocked a mere few weeks earlier, Kevin was already predisposed to agree to whatever Patrick wanted. And Patrick wanted to make a statement. No more 'courtesy gap', no more strategies of how to unveil their relationship...today was the day. He might pretend that it wasn't a big deal, that maybe no one would even notice...after all they worked at MDG, in video games, with mostly heterosexual men and less-than-stylish women. Who would recognize Kevin's sweater? Well, as Kevin had known all too fucking well, despite Patrick's feeble attempted dismissal, everyone. And Patrick had fucking well known it too.

Still, Kevin couldn't lie to himself. It wasn't just what Patrick wanted. He was more than ready for everyone to know as well. He wanted to be able to refer to Patrick as his boyfriend. To hold his hand in public, to go to restaurants together that he liked, to walk about the city freely, as a couple, to move forward. And the first step was in going public at work.

Patrick had actually been pretty smart about the way to handle it. Turning up casually in Kevin's clothes had been an effective way to make a statement without using words, and without making a big dramatic declaration. There had been some raised eyebrows, some surprise on poor Owen's part who seemed to feel a little betrayed, and possibly uncomfortable about the dynamic now between himself, his friend and his friend's boyfriend who also happened to be his boss. That might be a little problematic. But as Patrick said, the gay genie was now out of fucking bottle, and Kevin felt relieved.

He had a brief conversation with HR, who had been alerted almost immediately by Patrick's co-worker Meredith, but he knew that MDG wouldn't make a big fuss about this. He himself was too senior and too key a figure in this project, and Patrick, well he wouldn't let them do anything to Patrick. Kevin knew MDG would have to be doubly cautious about how they would handle this given that this was the first gay interoffice relationship they had to deal with. They wouldn't want there to be even a hint of discrimination, so Kevin knew that he could pretty much dictate the terms of how this situation would be handled. Still he had a responsibility to the company that had treated him so well, and to the team that he had come to like and respect, so...he would have to handle the HR aspect with care. And he didn't want anyone being able to accuse Patrick of getting favors or being treated differently. Again, he realized that he didn't really care what anyone accused HIM of, but he was very protective of Patrick.

Kevin had felt a brief moment of panic as he had hung up with HR, looking out of his office to see Patrick working at his computer. He had broken so many rules with Patrick, and he couldn't bring himself to care about them very much. The guilt he felt for deceiving Jon and breaking his heart...it paled in comparison to the strength of feeling he felt for Patrick. But, one thing did scare him. Being so vulnerable. Having someone's happiness be so important to him. He had known all his life that it wasn't wise, and he'd been able to avoid it. And now that he was here, so completely fucking in love with a man who hadn't even been able to say the words back to him, with a man who still, at moments, seemed like he didn't fully believe in Kevin's declaration, as if it was a temporary affliction that Kevin would get over...No. That wasn't fair to Patrick. After that brief freak-out brought on by Megan's texts, Patrick hadn't shown any signs of doubt, or any hesitation in lavishing his affection on Kevin. He had to stop worrying about that. And as for the words...Patrick would say them when he was ready. They were only words after all. Actions spoke louder than words, and all of Patrick's actions these past few days had been those of a man in love. Kevin couldn't be mistaken about that.

Being vulnerable was part of being in love, and Kevin would have to trust...no, DID trust, that he was safe in Patrick's hands. Still, in that moment of panic he had envisioned a future where Patrick turned away from him, turned into that distant Patrick that Kevin hadn't been able to get through to, not until Patrick chose to let him. The Patrick that had sudden breaking points, fault lines that Kevin couldn't see or predict and had ended up tripping over. That first time in the office, the night of the Folsom Street fair, where Patrick had decided suddenly and unilaterally that their flirting relationship was over. Then afterwards, before the Russian River, where Patrick had run hot and cold, one minute all over Kevin and then the next, acting like they were polite strangers. And of course most recently, when he had again decided with no warning that having an affair was no longer acceptable and had basically given Kevin half a day in which to end his relationship of two years. Each time Patrick had been totally within his rights to act as he had, but...it was still a little alarming to Kevin that Patrick was able to turn away from him without suffering particularly deeply. What other fault lines did Patrick have that he hadn't stumbled on yet? Fuck it...this was pointless and stupid. Kevin was probably just panicking because this had suddenly become real and public and he would have to face people's censure and know there was gossip. That was probably all. Kevin could trust Patrick. Patrick wouldn't have let things go this far if he didn't love Kevin, if he wasn't invested in this. He just wouldn't have. Kevin had to calm the fuck down.

He stared at Patrick through the glass walls of his office, and as if Patrick could sense him, Patrick turned and looked straight back at him. He smiled, and pointed secretly to the infamous sweater, winking at Kevin and giving him the 'ok' sign. Kevin smiled back, and picked up his phone.

'plans tonight?' Kevin texted his boyfriend. He watched him read the text and grin.

'movie at castro. omen. date night.' Patrick texted back. Kevin rolled his eyes and shook his head, clearly enough so Patrick could see.

'1st night public hiding in theatre?' Kevin texted back, really really hoping Patrick would reconsider...but Patrick just kept grinning and went back to work.

So here they were, in the movie theatre because that's what Patrick wanted, and Kevin liked doing things that Patrick wanted. And the panic was over because Patrick was...so fucking happy.

Kevin's eyes remained closed and his mind was wandering back over the details of the day when he felt Patrick's hand on his thigh. Squeezing and stroking. Not by accident. He turned his head to look at Patrick, but Patrick was staring at the screen. Ok. Kevin considered his options. He wasn't a teenager, and hadn't made out in a movie theatre since he'd been one, but if Patrick was game...Kevin pulled his jacket from behind him and draped it over his lap, covering Patrick's hand. Patrick smiled, still staring at the screen. His hand crept up until it covered Kevin's hardening cock, and Kevin stifled a moan, as Patrick began slowly rubbing him, over his jeans. Had it felt this good as a teenager? Kevin could barely remember. Patrick was unzipping his pants and his hand was burrowing inside, finding it's  way through the opening in Kevin's briefs to finally grasp Kevin firmly. Still staring straight ahead, but no longer smiling. Patrick's mouth was open, and he was biting and licking his lips as he started stroking Kevin, who was mesmerized by the sight of Patrick's face. Fuck. He wanted that mouth.

Kevin leaned over and nuzzled Patrick's ear, licking it lightly. Patrick looked straight ahead. Kevin kissed Patrick's neck, sucking gently at the soft soft skin, breathing in his scent as he moved one hand to Patrick's head, his fingers gripping his hair, the other hand moving high on Patrick's thigh which he began squeezing rhythmically in time with Patrick's firm strokes. He gasped in Patrick's ear, and Patrick started panting. Seconds later Patrick gave in and turned his head to grab greedily at Kevin's mouth. Suddenly coming to the movies seemed like the best idea Patrick had ever had.

Hot, wet kisses, with Patrick slanting his mouth against Kevin's, forcing his lips apart with his tongue as he tried to get as deep into Kevin's mouth as he could, practically devouring him, while he tossed Kevin off under the jacket. Kevin brought his other hand up to cup Patrick's face as they kissed, stroking his smooth skin with his fingertips, gripping Patrick's shoulder as he started panting heavily into Patrick's mouth.

It was so good. He came so fucking hard. Completely silently. All over his jacket. He'd never hesitate to come to the movies again.

As Kevin's breathing slowed and Patrick gentled his kiss, licking and nipping at Kevin's lips, Kevin smiled. He moved his lips to Patrick's ear and whispered,

'Your turn.' Patrick's eyes half closed in anticipation. 'And I really really hope you got some napkins with that popcorn' Kevin continued. Patrick smiled.

Napkins had done an adequate job, but they had had to duck into the bathrooms before they left the theatre, and they both decided that Kevin's jacket was probably not salvageable. That was an expensive hand job, Kevin had commented, reassuring Patrick that it had been totally worth it. Patrick had laughed, unconcerned.

'I didn't get anything on your sweater, just like I promised' He teased Kevin. 'It seems my stupid butterfingers weren't too clumsy tonight.'

'No. Indeed. Your butterfingers were absolutely perfect. And I'm sure the people sitting next to us would completely agree' Kevin assured him. Even that didn't phase Patrick. Nope. Today was Patrick's day and everything was going his way. He linked his fingers with Kevin's as they walked away from the theatre, gently swinging their arms.

'I've wanted to do this for a long time' He stated, staring down at their hands, fingers entwined, his thumb rubbing Kevin's.

'Me too' Kevin said simply.

'What's the first thing you want to do, now that we're publicly 'a thing' as Owen said? And GaymerX doesn't count because no one we know is going to be there' Patrick asked.

Kevin thought for a moment, then just shrugged his shoulders.

'Everything I suppose. Go out for dinner, go to a club...Actually what I'd really like is to get to explore the city more. I didn't do much of that before with...Jon. Work schedules. So, I'd like you to show me around this city you're so crazy about.' Kevin replied, realizing as he said it just how true that was. Patrick loved this city and Kevin wanted to see it through his eyes. Learn it and come to love it too, because it looked like this was going to be home.

'I'd love that' Patrick smiled. 'There's so much I want to show you. It's the greatest city, and even after eight years I'm still finding new things to explore. And we can do that together.  And...I'm glad you didn't already do that...with Jon. I mean, I realize there's not going to be very much new for you that you hadn't already done with him, or others before him, but...this city, and I guess, GaymerX...well...those can be just ours.'

Kevin remained silent for a minute, reflecting on Patrick's words. Again, he seemed to be missing something fundamental about the way Kevin felt and Kevin didn't want to let it go. He pulled on Patrick's hand to stop him, turning to face him.

'Listen, I have done things with Jon and with other's before him, but...that doesn't mean those things can't be ours too. It's different with you. I've told you that. So, going to a restaurant I've been to before, or visiting a city again, or just walking in a park I've walked in before, if it's with you, it will be 'ours' and it will be different than when I did it before. Because I'm with you. Ok?' It was very important for Patrick to understand that.

'I know. It's ok. I'm not expecting to avoid every place you've ever been to before you met me just because you were with Jon. But...I'd like to make some new memories with you that don't involve him, because...well...he's a pretty hard act to follow and...' Patrick began to explain. Kevin wasn't sure he'd heard correctly.

'What?' He interrupted Patrick.

'What?' Patrick seemed confused.

'You said Jon was a 'hard act to follow'. What does that mean?'

'Really? I mean...come on, Kevin. I've met the guy. We don't have to pretend that...' Patrick started.

'Hold on. I'm not pretending. About anything.' Kevin broke in, feeling blindsided, again. What the hell was Patrick going on about.

'Kevin, he's a handsome successful doctor who works with world class athletes...'

'And I left him. To be with you. Because the way I feel when I'm with you is the way I want to feel everyday.' Kevin persisted. 'Do you think I compare the two of you? Do you think i've got some sort of list going and whoever comes out on top gets me as the prize?'

'No. Of course not.' Patrick tried to laugh it off, but it was a feeble attempt.

'Are you sure? Because you implied that you somehow had to be better than Jon, like...you had to impress me more. Isn't that what being a hard act to follow means?' Kevin continued. He was NOT going to let this go. Patrick stood there, looking anywhere but at Kevin, chewing his lip nervously. The same lip that Kevin had been licking and kissing just minutes before in the movie theatre. How did this keep happening. One moment being incandescently happy and then the next feeling like he was wading through quicksand.

'Patrick. I want to be with YOU. There is. No. Competition. You don't have to impress me, or win me, or do anything like that that might be going through your head. And I'm not spending every moment comparing each experience I have with you to how it was with Jon. We can live the exact same life I had with him, do the exact same things each and every day, step for step, and it would be a totally different experience with you, and that's what I want. To just experience life, with you.' Kevin emphasized the last, hoping to get through to him.

'I mean, it's not like you're comparing me to Jason, or...Richie, right? That's not how it works, is it?' Kevin continued, and he realized as he asked that, as a supposed rhetorical question, he was actually a little scared to know the answer, and Patrick's continued silence was beginning to freak him out a little. Fuck...was Patrick comparing....Patrick finally looked up at him.

'You're right. I'm sorry. You're absolutely right. I just remember being so impressed when I met him at the park. And I felt like such a little insignificant fool that day, and he was this big, strong, man with that face and that body...I sometimes wonder why you would leave that? What...was missing?'

'Nothing was missing. He's a great guy. The only thing wrong was that he wasn't you. And he never will be.' Kevin put his hands or Patrick's arms and forced him to keep looking at him. 'And I want YOU.' Patrick nodded, in confirmation that he'd understood, and a genuine smile came over his face.

'That's good. That works out pretty well cos I want you too. And now we can show people that we have each other, and that's pretty fucking great.' Patrick said simply.

Kevin breathed a sigh of relief. Hiding their relationship had taken it's toll. He hadn't thought that Patrick might feel it was because Kevin didn't think he measured up to Jon. The thought was so preposterous that it had never crossed his mind, but...he had to start thinking in more lateral ways in order to keep up with Patrick's convoluted thought processes. Jesus. Never a fucking dull moment. Now that may be the only thing he missed form his relationship with Jon. A bit of dullness was welcome sometimes. To balance out the crazy.

Kevin stepped up to Patrick and dropped his forehead on his.

'Let's go home. And watch some TV before we go to bed. And I promise you that though I've done that a thousand times before...I will only be thinking about you and me as we lie there, and I will only be thinking about you as I hold you tonight in my arms.'

'Sounds like heaven.' Patrick sighed.

And it was. Just like a very little slice of heaven, to do something completely ordinary and commonplace as cuddle on the sofa with your boyfriend, whom you loved so very fucking much.


	18. GaymerX

Kevin stood behind the glass doors, watching Patrick out on the balcony. He couldn't see his face but he could picture the dreamy content look quite clearly. His boy was very very happy tonight. Kevin would join him in a minute, but he wanted a moment of peace and quiet to just enjoy the sight of his boyfriend, leaning against a wall in his tight short boxer-briefs and t-shirt...And hopefully very soon he was going to get to run his hands all over that lovely body and enjoy it at great length...but for now, the visuals alone were pretty excellent. How did he get to be so fucking lucky?

It sometimes almost felt too good to be true. So many things could have gone wrong these past couple of weeks, so many times Patrick had been pushed to what might have seemed a breaking point, but they just got stronger and stronger together.

They had survived living together, spending pretty much every waking moment together for two whole weeks. Patrick might not know how rare that could be, but Kevin knew that finding someone you were so effortlessly compatible with on a day to day basis AND still couldn't get enough of in bed was something pretty special. And even with the weight of Megan's criticisms,  and the constant specter of Jon hanging over them...Patrick had still come through pretty rock solid. 

Work was a challenge that remained to be faced, but Patrick had been the one keen to push through that last remaining barrier, and Kevin was confident that they could weather any fallout from that pretty easily. He was the boss after all, he grinned to himself. No one would be stupid enough to criticize Patrick to his face knowing that Kevin could make their lives difficult. Not that he would. Of course.

Just look at that gorgeous man out there, though, Kevin sighed. He'd climb fucking mountains for Patrick Murray. He was so proud of him for so many things. His intelligence, his humor, his kindness, his tenderness...Today though, he was especially impressed with the way he handled himself at GaymerX.

The conference could have been a disaster because god knew, the app was NOT ready for primetime, and Kevin genuinely worried how Patrick would handle rejection and failure. Kevin had been to many of these types of conferences before, but always behind the scenes, always as the one being schmoozed, making deals, watching from afar. He had never actually had to sell his own product. They had whole fricking marketing departments for that crap. Not his schtick at all. But Patrick had been so excited, so keen to put himself out there, that Kevin had agreed to do this for his sake, to support him. So while Patrick was out and about on the floor, trying to drum up interest, trying to sell their app, Kevin was at their booth, doing his best to explain the game to anyone willing to listen. He suspected his British accent helped garner some interest. And frankly there were more than a few people stopping by just to check him out and flirt, which he was absolutely fine with if they would also download the app so Patrick could see his precious numbers go up. A few of the more aggressive men left their cards with Kevin, their cell phone numbers clearly written on the back, and he could have sworn he saw a couple of people checking their grindr apps to see if they could identify him on it. Given the number of homos concentrated this day in this place the app must have been lit up like a fucking christmas tree. Kevin hadn't logged on in weeks though, so they were shit out of luck finding him on it.

His Patrick though...he just kept plugging on, chatting with anyone who would stop long enough to get a quick demo, chasing down people even as they walked away, gamely carrying on as people dismissed him and moved to the bigger, brighter, flashier displays. And despite software glitches, despite less than enthusiastic responses from some of the other exhibitors, he just refused to let anything dampen his enthusiasm for their little game. He was so fucking sweet.

As for their late night surprise dinner double date...well, Kevin was pretty impressed with how Patrick handled that too. As a matter of fact, from Kevin's perspective, that couldn't have gone any better. Dinner with virtual strangers was not how Kevin had imagined spending their post-prom evening, but it had become unavoidable once he had impulsively suggested it.

Seeing Richie and Brady walking up to his booth during GaymerX was something of an unwelcome surprise. Kevin's feeling towards Richie were ambivalent at best. No one got to the age of thirty without having exes, and god knows he was in no position to judge anyone given his own very recent past, but...he just couldn't get past the feeling that Richie was...a problem. Why Patrick felt the need to remain friends with him Kevin simply couldn't get his head around. They had obviously had an intense relationship, that had burned quite strongly for a short while, so how did they go from that to platonic friends in just a few weeks. Kevin knew that he could never do that with Patrick. Never just hang out with him and not want to fuck him and claim him, now that he'd had him, now that he'd experienced being with him so intimately. So, either Richie was a stronger man than him, or Richie was just biding his time. Neither of which made Kevin comfortable.

Also, to be honest with himself, and this was probably something he should never say to Patrick, he thought Richie was a little bit of a sanctimonious prick. It was all very well to have morals and rules to live your life by...but what about a bit of realism? Life didn't always go the way you imagined or planned, and surely you had to have some flexibility in how you responded to situations. He had fallen in love with Patrick while he was in a relationship with another man. And Jon would have been as equally gutted if Kevin had left him weeks earlier as soon as he started obsessing over Patrick, before the affair began. Hurting Jon wasn't the result of the affair. It was the result of realizing that wanting to be with Patrick wasn't something he would ever get over. The humiliation of being cheated on was a factor too, but Jon's real pain was in losing the man he wanted to be with. What would Richie have done? Stayed with a man he didn't want to be with out of duty? Loyalty? Well Kevin had fucking tried that and it hadn't worked.

Obviously Richie would have no respect for a man like Kevin, because according to Patrick's glowing description, Richie was a man who knew himself well and knew what he wanted. A man of integrity. He knew what was important to him and what he could or would compromise on, though that last list seemed pretty fucking small to Kevin. Still, upstanding model gay or not, he was a dick because he'd had Patrick and he'd let Patrick go. And Kevin had too, but then he'd come to his senses and decided to beg and grovel to get him back. Richie didn't seem like the begging type. His fucking loss.

But it became increasingly clear as Brady started talking to Kevin about the conference and about the game, and as no reference to or mention of Patrick was made, that Richie had no idea that he and Patrick were back together again. How was that possible? Could it actually be that Patrick hadn't told him? Well...that was interesting. Kevin began expanding on his description of the game, chatting up Brady, doing anything to keep them at the booth. He so fucking hoped he could keep them there long enough so that Patrick would get the fuck back from his floor tour, and Richie could see unequivocally that Patrick was now one hundred percent off the market. His small talk was running dry when finally...back came his wandering little lamb, the expression on his cute little face priceless. Ha. So much for not seeing anyone they knew at GaymerX.

Kevin was perversely enjoying this awkward little meet and greet. It was too fucking precious watching Patrick squirm. Until of course Richie voiced the question that Patrick had obviously not addressed.

'So are you guys,..' Richie started.

'Working together. Yeah. We actually, we created this app together and...this conference only happens once a year so we thought it was really important to commit and get it here and get it out.' Patrick interrupted, speaking a mile a minute. At least he'd had the decency to walk up next to Kevin and stand by his side in solidarity, as he stabbed him in the back. He'd even had the nerve to look at Kevin and smile.

Really? So, Patrick hadn't found a way to tell Richie yet that they were now together. Ok, that was in the realm of the possible. But now? He had been asked a direct question, and he was still trying to avoid the truth? Oh no fucking way, Patrick Murray. He wanted them out in the open, right? So...no more hiding, not anymore, and certainly not from Richie.

'Are you guys sticking around tonight, for the prom afterparty?' Kevin asked, as casually as he could. Let Patrick sweat it out a bit. Kevin could feel his nervous energy. Good.

'Oh god, yeah' Brady replied.

'Well do you want to grab a bite to eat, after? It could be like...a double date?' Kevin swung his arm around Patrick's stiff shoulders, ignoring his increasingly shocked stare. Suck on that Patrick Murray.

'So you guys are dating now?' Richie needed more confirmation it would seem. Fucking genius that he was.

'Us? Yeah..oh you thought he dumped me!' Kevin pretended confusion. NOW he was enjoying himself thoroughly.

'Well, that's not exactly what I said' Patrick protested feebly. He couldn't be any more uncomfortable, but Kevin was going to try his hardest to prolong the agony just a little longer. Kevin hugged him tighter.

'Well that's exactly what happened. You dumped me.' Kevin smiled sweetly at Patrick. 'But then you took me back, which was...AWESOME...for me,' and now Kevin turned back to Richie, smiling the whole damn time, 'because I realized I couldn't be without him' As a declaration it couldn't be any clearer. Kevin was fucking staking his claim and Patrick could glare at him all he wanted.

'That's cool. So you guys are like a thing now'. Richie asked. What was it with fucking Americans and being a 'thing'. The very same thing Owen had asked the previous day. Yesterday it had been up to Kevin to answer. What would dear Patrick say today? Kevin looked at him expectantly.

'Yes...we are...we're a...thing. Yes...we are' Patrick stumbled, with a little helpful prompting from Kevin.

Brady was probably the only one of the four of them that didn't feel the waves of tension radiating off Patrick. He was also the one that inadvertently deflated all of Kevin's righteous indignation, because after going on about the cuteness of their story, the article he had to write, the interview he wanted to do with them, Brady had finally turned to Patrick and said,

'I guess that makes you 'Home Wrecker Gay'.'

Patrick smiled tensely. Kevin was...fucking...furious. Not that you'd ever be able to tell from his expression. He was a master at hiding his feelings after all.

'That is...oh my god Home wrecker gay. That's a really good suggestion. We need a suggestion box here, Patrick.' Kevin smiled and smiled at Patrick, at Brady. The fucking little ginger toss-pot. 

As Brady and Richie finally walked away, Richie turned back to them for a moment.

'Good for you' He had said to Kevin.

'Thanks Richie' Kevin smiled and smiled even more. Fuck you too, he had thought to himself. And then, they were gone. And Patrick was suddenly very busy tidying up the booth.

Thanks to Brady's comment though, most of Kevin's anger was now directed at the departing pair. He knew what people thought of him and his behavior, but to call Patrick a home wrecker...judgmental pricks. Still, some statement had to be made.

'Wow' was really all he could think to say. But it was a good word to summarize everything he had initially felt. The shock, the disappointment, the betrayal. Why the fuck would Patrick keep their relationship secret from Richie after he'd wanted everyone else, including all his closest friends, to know so very badly? He'd been pressing and pressing to bring it out in the open for days, despite Kevin's concerns about their reputations and all the gossip they would have to face, and despite his concerns for Jon's dignity.

'Ok' Patrick acknowledged. Clearly embarrassed, clearly preparing himself for some sort of scolding. 

He needn't worry though. Kevin had lost his appetite for confrontation. Patrick was probably feeling bad enough already, and he didn't need more guilt heaped on, especially after Brady's helpful reminder of Jon's existence. Kevin had resisted going public himself to avoid this very reaction so, even if he didn't like it, he understood Patrick's knee jerk desire to keep their relationship a secret. But Patrick needed to show Kevin he finally understood too.

'You're a hypocrite Patrick Murray' Kevin said quietly.

'Oh come on. What was I supposed to do? Text him out of the blue and be like 'btdubs. dating kevin. he broke up with jon. smiley winkey emoticon'...'

'After all the shit you've been giving me.' Kevin persisted. Though he was no longer mad...it was good for Patrick to realize what going public really meant. Good for him to see how it was easy to press for something when the consequences seemed remote, but a lot harder when they stared you in the fucking face, in the form of judgement from someone you obviously respected and admired.

'The hypocrisy doesn't undermine my point that I'm trying to make...'

'Well...it does a little.' Kevin wouldn't let him get away with that.

'Maybe a little bit but I still think...'

'You're very cute...when you're wrong.' Kevin stated simply. His point was made and Kevin really didn't want the day spoiled. And what it said about Patrick's feelings for Richie, that he found it difficult to tell him about Kevin, well...that was a conversation for another time. Not today.

'Ok' Patrick responded, chastened. Kevin stared at him. He didn't enjoy Patrick's guilt. And now after the initial hurt was over, he no longer wanted Patrick dwelling on it either. He wanted cheerful Patrick back. And there were two proven ways to achieve that. Sex and humor. And since sex was not currently an option...what was it that that horrible little man had said that had so cracked Kevin up when Patrick had reported it back to him, all indignant and riled up? That they were siblings who should just jerk off in the mirror if they found themselves so cute? Kevin smiled.

He reached up and grabbed Patrick's ears bending them forward until they stuck out almost as far as his own. 

'Look at us. We could be brothers!' He teased. Patrick laughed, relieved. Another crisis avoided. 

They were a good team.

And dinner, well, that was satisfying in its own way too. Kevin got an inkling of what was to come when Brady warned Patrick he'd get fat if he ate pancakes. So Fatrick was famous was he? Kevin smiled at that. Naughty naughty Richie, telling tales. 

'He's got a point' Kevin teased Patrick, cos it was his fucking right to. Because that's what boyfriends could do. 

'Really?' Patrick had leaned in to him, and Kevin had been seconds away from showing Patrick exactly how he felt about his own fat fat frog. But Brady had killed any romantic feelings Kevin may have been having when he asked Kevin to help him throw up. If Brady hadn't been so drunk he might almost think that he asked Kevin to take him to the bathroom so that Patrick and Richie could have some time alone. But that didn't make any sense. Why would Brady want to give Patrick and Richie a chance to reconnect? The truth was far more likely exactly as Brady had put it. Brady was drunk, needed help, but felt his boyfriend was a judgmental arsehole so would rather have a virtual stranger help him to the toilets to puke his guts out. At least Brady was a harmless drunk. Actually he was generally a nice guy all round, and Kevin could almost forgive him for that cheap home wrecker shot. Almost. 

When they returned to the table though, that's when the real fun began. Finally, Richie was being dragged off his pedestal by Brady's drunken ramblings. It would seem the two of them had been discussing him and Patrick and had come to some conclusions which Brady now thought it was only right to take back. 

So apparently, Patrick was no longer a thirteen year old girl who was afraid of her own vagina. That one made Kevin smile. Patrick was obviously shocked that Richie had shared such intimate details with Brady, but Kevin was fucking delighted. Not so saintly now mother-fucker. But more than that, he was absurdly pleased that it was he, Kevin, that had really uncovered Patrick's sensuality. He wanted to shout right in Richie's face that, hell no, Patrick wasn't afraid of ANY of his body parts OR of Kevin's anymore. That it had taken the right man to show Patrick just how glorious every bit of sex could be, and he had taken to it all like a duck to fucking water. 

But Patrick didn't need anyone defending him. He was doing just fine on his own. 

'He doesn't know what he's talking about' a clearly embarrassed Richie tried to explain.

And his boy, his beautiful smart boy had come right back at him.

'Really? Are you sure?' He'd pushed Richie, calm, amused. 'Because he seems to have really specific points of reference'. 

Fucking brilliant. Kevin just had to sit back and enjoy. Patrick was pure class. He didn't think he could be any prouder.

So dinner hadn't been too bad after all. Certainly not nearly bad enough to bring them off the high of the prom. And what a fucking high that had been. 

Not only had Patrick managed to surprise Kevin by booking this gorgeous hotel room for them, the very one he stood in now, but he had also taken the time and effort to sneak in their suits so they could look extra sharp at prom, and he had bought the most adorable little flower thing Kevin had ever seen. Not that he was given to wearing flowers in his suits, but for Patrick, he would wear them anywhere Patrick wanted. Everyone knew about American proms, about how much they meant to high schoolers. Entire movies had been made about them for god's sake. So, Patrick wanted to relive his tonight, and Kevin was the lucky fucker who got to make all his dreams come true. He was all for that. Kevin would make this a fucking excellent night to remember, replacing any and all memories of the shitty night it probably had been back in high school. 

The prom itself had been...wild. Gamers were nerds and costume freaks whether straight or gay. And getting to dance with Patrick, letting loose on the dance floor together, that had been on the top of his to-do list, and it was fun. Of course he couldn't keep his hands off him for long which made some of the more energetic dancing challenging, but whatever music was playing, Kevin was looking to cop a feel. Wasn't that supposed to part of the whole fun of prom? That long slow build up to the night of sex that lay ahead? So wasn't all that kissing and feeling each other up almost mandatory? 

They'd pulled themselves away from the dance floor long enough to have some cute pictures taken. Silly poses, silly faces...all adorable silly fun. Fuck, they'd needed a night like this. Just care free, no drama, a little bit of drinking, a lot of wild dancing, loud thumping music, a room full of gay nerds celebrating their love of video games and of each other. Fantastic.

Just as Kevin was at the bar getting them fresh drinks, the mood of the room changed. It was that time of night, when things were about to slow down and get serious. He smiled, waiting for the inevitable. He felt a warm body press up close to him and a soft low voice in his ear.

'Hey handsome.'

'Hey' he turned round, abandoning the drinks. Patrick's half smile was the sexiest thing he'd seen all fucking night. Until Patrick licked his lips and bit his bottom lip. Now THAT was the sexiest thing. Kevin's body sprung in agreement. Shit. Dancing was going to be fucking torture. He couldn't wait. But apparently he had to be asked first, and his boyfriend was taking his own sweet time.

'Would you dance with me?' Patrick finally asked, lowering his head and looking up at him from under his lovely long lashes.

'It would be my pleasure.' Kevin answered simply, and took Patrick's hand as they walked to the dance floor. 

They slipped so easily into each other's arms, and it felt like home, being held by Patrick, holding him, their foreheads touching, their bodies moving together effortlessly. The song playing seemed to be echoing Kevin's most fervent wish. 'Say you love me' the woman sang, and Kevin squeezed his eyes closed as he imagined what that might actually be like, to hear those words. But right now, with Patrick pulling him closer, with Patrick leaning his head on his shoulder, with Patrick drawing his loving little circles on his back, with his own face deep in Patrick's neck, breathing him in, feeling his soft hair, his soft skin...he didn't need any words. 

Patrick pulled back a few moments later and stared straight in Kevin's eyes. He could wait for the words if Patrick would just look at him like this. And he knew everything he was feeling was showing on his face too, because Patrick smiled, and his gorgeous face lit up in a lovely glowing blush. Kevin leaned in to kiss him. Just a gentle kiss. Just a kiss to say what he felt in that moment. All the soft tender feelings. The other feelings, the passionate hungry ones he would show him later...after dinner...when they were alone.

Which brought Kevin to this moment, standing, watching Patrick with hunger and anticipation. 

They survived GaymerX, they survived dinner with the ex-boyfriend...no freakouts, no scenes...they were fucking solid. And now all Kevin wanted to do was enjoy a few minutes of the very expensive view with his very hot, very sexy boyfriend, before taking said boyfriend to bed and fucking him till they were both senseless and dead to the world.

He walked out onto the balcony and draped himself over Patrick, resting his chin on Patrick's shoulder. Patrick turned to smile at him, before turning back to the view. It really was a beautiful city, and being up high, looking down at the sparkling lights, it reminded Kevin again of how lucky he was, how he had finally made the right decisions in his life. The thought that he might have missed this, that he might never have lived these past couple of weeks, that he had been so close to not having Patrick in his life...it seemed absurd. 

'Hey.' Patrick nudged him with his shoulder. 'Why so sad?'

Kevin smiled. And shivered. Fuck...it was cold.

'Not sad. Pretty fucking happy actually.'

'It was a good day, right? And prom. That was really great. Did I thank you for being my gay gamer prom date?' Patrick teased.

Kevin kissed Patrick's shoulder then lay his head back down on it. He was silent for a few moments letting the view of San Francisco calm him, the warmth of Patrick's body soothe him.

'God I'm happy I didn't go back to Seattle. There's nothing but rain, and granola' he said. Patrick laughed.

'I remember the first time I came to the bay I was at Berkley, and Agustin and I went up to Indian Rock, and looked down and I thought...yes. I just want to stay here for as long as I can hang on.' Patrick spoke softly, looking out at his beloved city.

Kevin wanted to enjoy it with him. This was such a sweet romantic moment. A moment of endless possibilities...but he was fucking freezing. Could he hold out just a little longer? Let Patrick reminisce a little more? 

'Mmmm...yep. It's no good. I'm too cold. I've got to back inside. Come on. Let's go, let's go!' He urged Patrick as they both ran inside. The fun would have to continue inside now. 

Patrick was sitting up in bed when Kevin finished up in the bathroom. He'd been checking out the new Glorified app that Patrick had shown him. What the fuck would they think of next. How many different apps did gay people need to find ways to hook up. Still...it was pretty well written and the design was slick and cool. He had to give them that. But what blew him away was the sheer volume of content.

'I cannot believe how many glory holes there are in this area.' He told Patrick, walking into the bedroom.

'I know.' Patrick laughed. He'd been randomly picking out areas of San Francisco and shouting out the numbers to Kevin in amazement.

'Oh my god!' Patrick exclaimed. 'We just got our first review!'. Like a kid at Christmas. So ridiculously excited. Wasn't this the man who was one of the lead developers on a multi-million dollar first person shooter game that had sold fifteen million units in four weeks? 

Still...honestly...it was exciting. They were such nerds.

'Well, what does it say?' Kevin urged him, as he climbed in bed. 

'It says 'Another attempt to divide and label the gay community. Bullshit. One Star'' Patrick's face fell as he read through the review. Fuck. 

'Bullshit' Kevin took the phone out of Patrick's hands, wanting to read it himself. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He didn't give a shit, but...

'Well, I guess we've got to expect things like that, right?' Shit. Patrick was upset. Wringing his fucking hands. No way was this how this night was going to end. He'd laughed at the concept originally, he'd complained about all the coding they had to do every night, and he'd resisted the idea of showing the app at GaymerX. But he'd be damned if he was going to let anyone else ruin Patrick's day by shitting all over the little game Patrick had worked so hard on. Dividing and labeling the gay community...probably some politically correct hippy vegan pencil dick gender neutral fag with no sense of humor and no understanding of irony. Obviously American.

'You know what, fuck that bitchy queen. We're not going to please everyone and I'm proud of what we've achieved.' He stated, chucking the phone onto the bedside table.

'Oh my god, I love you' Patrick blurted out, staring at Kevin in delight. Kevin froze, wondering if Patrick realized what he'd said. Oh yes. He realized, if the growing look of terror on his face was anything to go by. Not quite the way Kevin had hoped to hear those words for the first time. 'I, I mean...I...' Patrick stammered, his eyes wide as he stared at Kevin.

'You freaking out a bit right now?' Kevin gently asked him. He didn't want Patrick panicking. If he wasn't ready, it didn't matter. Kevin needed to reassure him that it didn't matter. He could take it back if he wanted. Kevin could wait until he really meant to say it.

'A little bit. I've never said that before.' Patrick admitted. Kevin was surprised, as much as by the admission of being freaked out as by the relatively calm way he made it. Frankly he thought Patrick would be trying to back peddle as fast as he could by now. But instead he seemed to be getting even calmer. Fuck...

'What, not even to your mum?' Kevin pressed. If he needed an out, if he needed a way to turn this into a joke, Kevin wanted to help him. But, if Patrick WAS freaking out, it was the quietest, least freaked-out freak out Kevin had ever seen. Fuck...Kevin couldn't tear his eyes away from Patrick's face. It really looked like he was not freaking out at all. Not even a little bit.

'We don't say that in my family.' Patrick replied seriously, and with every passing second, with every second that Patrick didn't take back the words, Kevin felt his heart swelling.  

'But...I do. I love you' Patrick said simply, almost wonderingly, as if he had just discovered the fact, as if he had just realized what loving someone felt like. 

And finally, the words were beautiful to Kevin. Patrick was beautiful to him, sitting there, looking slightly puzzled, but also, very very calm and happy. 

'I love you too.' Kevin whispered, barely able to get the words out, he was so fucking choked with emotion. It had been worth the wait. 

He brought Patrick's head down to his and kissed him. The sweetest kiss. Full of everything he had felt for this man. All the yearning of those early weeks, the ecstasy of their brief times together, the gaping emptiness when he'd thought he'd lost him forever, the almost unbearable relief when Patrick let him back in his life, and the sweet sweet simple joy of the past two weeks. 

And then the sweet kiss turned into the type of kiss that Kevin had been imagining all day. As Kevin pulled them both under the covers, into their own private world, their kiss went from sweet to desperate in a flash, and Kevin couldn't get close enough, couldn't lick enough of Patrick's skin, couldn't mark enough of his flesh with his mouth, couldn't rub against enough of his body. He wanted to feel every inch of Patrick pressed against him. He wanted to fucking devour him, have Patrick imprint his fingers on him so he'd always have a part of Patrick with him. He could feel every kiss, every bite all the way down to his toes. Patrick was his fucking Molly, his drug of choice. And when Patrick whispered in his ear that he wanted Kevin to fuck him, to come inside of him so deep that he could feel Kevin's heartbeat, Kevin was so fucking ready. And when Patrick panted in his ear and clutched him tight, and when Patrick came, arching his body up to press himself against Kevin, every glorious inch of him, and when he mouthed the words 'I love you' against Kevin's cheek as Kevin came...Kevin's every thought was of how much he fucking loved this man.

And then the kiss turned sweet again, and it went on and on, neither of them wanting to stop. And even as they kissed, Kevin smiled.

Patrick loved him. Fuck yeah.


	19. Pretty Tied Up

_Two weeks later, Saturday morning after Thanksgiving_

Kevin woke up slowly, to find Patrick sitting up in bed watching him. He blinked his eyes a few times to focus his vision and tried to think why he felt so groggy. Oh right. Last night. He smiled in remembrance. Well, he had lasted till Thanksgiving, but after that, all bets had been off and last night he'd pounced.

'I know why you're smiling.' Patrick poked him in the shoulder, not gently at all, with a hard pointy finger. 

'I was just thinking about what a lovely Thanksgiving we had. How nice it was. Very civilized. Very grown up' Kevin lied. But Patrick wasn't fooled.

'Wow. So the memory of having dinner with my friends is responsible for your massive hard on this morning? I'll be sure to tell them the effect they had on you.'

'That's just morning wood babe. Nothing else.' 

'Kevin I watched you wake up, I just saw you looking at me and then I saw your dick grow. I think I know the difference between morning wood and lechery.' Patrick was not letting him get away with anything.

'Well, do you feel like doing anything about it?' Kevin asked hopefully.

'We're meeting the realtor in half an hour, so I suggest you think sad thoughts or take care of it yourself because I have to shower and get ready.' Ahh...moodiness explained. Patrick was not a big supporter of the house search.

'Why don't we shower together?' Kevin asked, all optimism. 'And that way we conserve water too, so we're doing our part for the environment.'

'Is there any scenario where you don't get what you want this morning?' Patrick asked resignedly. Kevin pretended to think of it over, and then shook his head in mock regret.

'I don't think there is.'

'Come on then. Let's get it over with' Patrick sighed dramatically, walking slowly to the bathroom. He was a terrible actor, and his martyr act was clearly just that, an act, as Kevin could tell from the very obvious tent in his boxer briefs. Let him pretend he was doing Kevin a favor. After last night, Kevin was pretty much forever in his sexual debt anyway. And what a glorious night of fucking it had been. 

Tying Patrick up to the bed had been everything Kevin had imagined it would be. And whatever Patrick might say in the cold light of the morning, he had been an enthusiastically willing, though slightly terrified participant. 

At first he hadn't quite believed Kevin when he'd produced the silk ties, and he'd laughed, thinking it was a joke. But as Kevin continued to stalk him, his face not cracking a smile, Patrick had eventually started taking it seriously and he had backed away nervously.

'We don't have to do it if you don't want. But I think it would be really fucking hot and I think you'd love it.' Kevin had cornered him, pressing him up against the wall, caging him within his arms. 'And if you let me, I'll stop anytime you want. But I don't think you'll want to.' Kevin had nuzzled Patrick's face, and holding the ties in both hands, had traced them down Patrick's arms  and back up again. 'I think you'd look fucking amazing on that bed, stretched tight, at my mercy, not able to stop me from dong anything I want to do to your body, and I fucking want to do it all. I want to lick you, and I want to suck your cock till you feel you're going to explode, then I want to fuck you slowly and play with your body while I do...and all the time, you won't be able to touch me in any way. You won't get to kiss me unless I let you, and you won't be able to push me to go faster....all you'll be able to do is beg me.' Kevin had whispered in Patrick's ear, gradually taking hold of his wrists and pulling them behind Patrick's back, so Patrick could get a sense of what if would feel like to be helpless.

Patrick's breathing had escalated, and his cock was so hard Kevin could feel it through their jeans. He rubbed himself against Patrick, but when Patrick leaned forward to kiss his mouth, Kevin held him off with his arms behind his back.

'Say yes' he'd whispered into Patrick's neck, licking and sucking at the skin there, soothing where he took little bites.

'You'll stop if I ask?' Patrick had managed to gasp eventually.

'The moment you ask' Kevin had had finally kissed Patrick's mouth, plunging his tongue in.

'Ok' Patrick had whispered...but it had cost him. His eyes were huge and terrified, but he was so obviously turned on, that Kevin had pushed through his lingering reluctance, and eventually had Patrick on the bed fully naked, his arms spread wide and tied down, his legs shifting restlessly as he tried to get comfortable.

'Relax. It will be easier if you don't struggle' Kevin had stroked his chest, trying to both calm him down and rev him up. As for his level of excitement, the bounty of the body spread before him was driving him out of his mind. He didn't know where to start, so he decided a simple methodical exploration from one end to the other was the best strategy. And by exploration he meant stroking ever so gently, softly, lingeringly, with his fingertips. Biting lightly with his teeth before soothing the skin with long slow loving licks of his tongue.  And of course as always, alternately sucking his skin deep within his mouth and then kissing the beautiful red bruises he would bring up. Over every gorgeous inch. Over and over again.

Patrick was moaning and pulling at his wrist restraints within minutes, trying to get free to pull Kevin down on him, but he couldn't and with each passing moment he turned more desperate and his pleas turned more explicit. He promised Kevin all sorts of sexual favors if Kevin would let him go, and he begged Kevin to put him out of his misery and just fucking fuck him, suck his cock, do anything that would get him off. But he never once asked Kevin to simply untie him.

When Kevin finally pushed his fingers into Patrick to prepare him, Patrick had arched off the bed and writhed as best he could while still having his arms stretched tight.

'Fuck, fuck, fuck.' He'd panted, and when Kevin finally pushed his own painfully hard cock into Patrick, he'd gone fucking wild, trying to work himself on Kevin, trying to get the rhythm he wanted from Kevin...but he was helpless, and it was Kevin who set the pace, and Kevin, out of his mind with lust,  pounded Patrick into the fucking mattress.

Foreplay had lasted forever, but once he was inside Patrick it had taken barely a few minutes before he felt his head exploding in an intense orgasm and Patrick's eyes rolled back in his head as he came all over Kevin's chest. They both lay there, panting, trying to catch their breaths. Then Kevin had started playing with Patrick's body all over again, this time grazing and sucking his nipples, bringing his hands low down on Patrick's abdomen and then skirting his crotch to travel all the way down his sturdy things. On the way back up though, his hands tagged Patricks' cock and his balls, and minutes later, his cock was deep in Kevin's mouth and again, as Patrick tried to pull on the restraints so he could hold onto Kevin's head, all he could do was moan and gasp, begging Kevin to do it already, to suck him harder, deeper...so Kevin did and Patrick shot down his throat, bucking and punching his hips. Kevin had swallowed every drop, and then had come up Patrick's body and kissed his mouth deeply.

Patrick had been wiped out but every time he seemed to be falling asleep, still tied up and helpless, Kevin would revive him and bring him back to the brink, until Patrick would be a mindless mess, putty in his hands.

Not even at the end, after god knows how many orgasms, had Patrick asked to be untied. He had pretty much been ready to fall asleep exactly as he was, but Kevin had tenderly untied him and kissed his wrists before he took him in his arms and cradled him as he fell asleep.

Out of gratitude for the previous night's pleasure, Kevin didn't make Patrick do any of the work in the shower. He quickly and efficiently brought them both off with his soapy hands, kissing his sweet boy tenderly.

'I'll be sure to thank the boys for this morning's pleasure, since it was the wonderful Thanksgiving we shared that so inspired you this morning.' Patrick had teased him as they got dressed. Kevin simply smiled.

'It was fun though. Thanksgiving I mean. It didn't go nearly as badly as I had imagined it might.'

'Well that is a ringing endorsement.' Patrick rolled his eyes.

'No, I mean it. Of course I already get on well enough with Agustin since he's been subjected to my relentless charm campaign these past few weeks, but the others, well, they were pretty cool too. Even Dom.'

'What does that mean? Dom's a great guy! Why would you think he wouldn't be?' Patrick was indignant.

'Patrick, I know you think it's perfectly normal to be surrounded by your ex-lovers all the time, but did it ever occur to you I might not be that excited about it?' Kevin asked him, shaking his head.

'Oh my god. It was years ago. And we never even had sex.' Patrick laughed.

'What? I thought you said you hooked up?' Kevin was confused.

'We did. But, well Dom is strictly a top as you might imagine, and I wasn't into being so...versatile' Patrick blushed. How old would this man be before he would stop blushing about sex, Kevin wondered. 'So we did other stuff.' Patrick continued.

'I don't think I want to know. I don't think I could face him again if I knew the actual details.' Kevin grimaced.

'But he's a great guy and absolutely one of the best friends I could ever imagine having, they both are actually, him and Agustin, and Doris is hysterical, though she has NO filters and I love that she's like obsessively loyal to Dom, and of course Eddie...well I don't know him so well but he seems pretty funny and Agustin is obviously crazy about him, so I want you to get to know them and like them, and I want them to get to know you and like you. Which they will. And I appreciate the effort you made to be nice at Thanksgiving and not be all sarcastic and Britishy like you can be.' Patrick rambled on.

'Britishy, Patrick? Really?'

'Sorry, no you're right. I mean thank you for not being a total cunt like I know you can be. Is that any clearer?' Patrick asked sweetly.

'When have I ever been a cunt to you?' Kevin exclaimed indignantly.

'Every time you make fun of me, every time you make fun of Americans, every time you laugh at me, every time you mock the way I talk, every time you make fun of the way I eat...'

'Wow. Are you grumpy because we're going to look at more apartments?' 

'Why should I be? The sooner you find an apartment the quicker I get my own space back and the less I have to listen to your frankly really annoying British accent. God knows why I ever thought it was cool.' Patrick huffed.

'I love you too babe.' Kevin laughed. Patrick sighed and finally cracked a smile.

'I'm just grumpy because I'm hungry and you kept me up most of the night and then I still couldn't say no to you this morning, so...yes...I'm in a bad mood. It's nothing to do with the fact that we're going to a showing' Patrick tried to insist. Ok. Kevin would let it go. But honestly, every time the subject of Kevin finding his own place came up Patrick's mood plummeted and he found any one of a myriad of reasons to pick a fight.

'All right. Let's go see this one place she has lined up and then I'll take you to brunch. OK?'

'Let's do it.' Patrick agreed reluctantly. 'Oh...and by the way...I feel the same, as you said before.' He mumbled quietly as they walked down his corridor.

Kevin took his hand and squeezed it. 

Later that day

'So? What did you think of that place?' Kevin asked Patrick, sitting across from him in the diner while they shared a late brunch. They had seen at least ten different apartments this week, and Patrick had strong opinions about each one of them. Always negative. But he couldn't imagine what he'd have to say about the one they had just seen this morning. He waited expectantly.

'It was beautiful. Really. Those floors and those windows,' Patrick sighed. 'I love that old San Francisco look. Those period details were just stunning.' 

Kevin still waited. He knew Patrick would love it. What could he possibly come up with to object to?

'But...you know, I'd have to change two buses to get there, and I just don't see how that would work.' Ahh. There you go. Kevin suppressed his smile.

'Yeah, I can see how that would be a problem.' He agreed seriously. Unless you just bit the fucking bullet and moved in with me, he wanted to add, but...too soon. Patrick was finding every reason he possibly could to prevent Kevin from finding a new home, but at the same time Kevin worried that he'd hyperventilate and faint dead away if Kevin suggested the obvious solution. They should just fucking admit that they were living together and do this search properly. Instead, they carried on this charade of looking for apartments for Kevin, and when Kevin finally found one that met Patrick's approval, and when they'd settled into it, what he was basically counting on was that one day Patrick would realize he hadn't been home in weeks, that all his stuff was over at Kevin's and he'd just accept the inevitable with no hand-wringing and no drama. But for that to work they still have to pick a fucking place first! 

'Why don't you narrow down the list of areas we're searching in then, so that the commute for you is easier. And while you're at it, since you have some quite specific requirements, why don't you just email those to the broker too so she can show us places that meet your criteria.' Kevin suggested. 

Patrick looked up from the omelette he was devouring and grinned.

'Really?'

'Yeah. It will save us looking at places that we'd just reject anyway.' Kevin answered casually, shrugging. Patrick obviously liked the sound of that as his gaze lingered a little on Kevin's face before he got back to the serious business of eating.

'You know, I definitely think you should only look at pet friendly buildings.' He said after a few moments of silence. What? 

'And what pet exactly did you think we should get?' Kevin asked once he got over the shock. Did Patrick even notice how he kept using the word 'we'? If so, he hadn't commented on it. Which was probably a very good sign and Kevin couldn't keep the smile off his face.

'A dog obviously, but definitely a rescue one. We always had dogs growing up and I always imagined myself having one.'

'And how would that work, with us being at work for most of the day?' 

'Kevin, I don't know exactly how much you make, but given the budget for the apartment you've given the broker, I think it's safe to say you can afford a fucking dog-walker.'

'Right. A dog walker. So, an apartment within easy commute of your place, pet friendly, hardwood floors, big windows, outside space, modern bathroom....'

'And a good kitchen too. That's a must. No more eating out all the time, or takeout every night.' Patrick pointed his fork at their plates, as if horrified by the quantity of food they were eating. 

'Do you know how to cook anything other than mac n'cheese?' Kevin was curious.

'I've always wanted to learn. Maybe we could even take classes together? Maybe Dom could teach us?' Patrick was getting excited at the idea.

'Wow. A dog and cooking lessons.' Kevin nodded. 'It seems I'm acquiring responsibilities and hobbies  I wasn't expecting.'

'It'll be fun! Taking the dog to the park, having friends over for dinner parties. I think it sounds pretty great.' Patrick assured him happily.

'Well...there is a problem with getting a dog though.' Kevin frowned as he picked up his coffee mug. 'I mean, I've only got two years on my visa left. What would I do with the dog when I have to leave?' he asked as if trying to solve a confusing problem. 

The look on Patrick's face was priceless. But then a second later Kevin felt like a total shit because Patrick went from shock to confusion to panic in quick succession, and he just stared at Kevin, totally at a loss for words. That was a really dick move. 

'I'm kidding.' Kevin tried to joke. 'I sold my soul to MDG and they're never letting me go. They've already offered to sponsor me for a green card. It's just paperwork, formalities. It's all sorted as soon as I get round to it.' He continued, reassuring Patrick.

'Ok.' Patrick sighed. 'Jesus. I keep forgetting about the visa thing. Though, two years is a long time.' 

What the fuck did that mean? It was Kevin's fault for bringing it up though, and he wasn't going to press Patrick for explanations. Patrick had come a long way since Kevin's stoop declaration. He'd taken Kevin back, he'd expressed love for him, they were living together, whether Patrick accepted that or not. Kevin really had to stop pushing him for more. Time to get back to a happier subject.

'So, email the broker with your list, and we'll see some new places this week. And hopefully, there's something out there which won't totally bankrupt me.'

'Right. As if. But don't be impatient, OK? Finding the right home can take time. Agustin and I knew immediately when we walked into our apartment that it was the one, but we were ridiculously lucky that it was one of the first ones we'd seen. Sometimes you have to wait for the perfect place, but when you see it, you just instinctively know it's the place you've always wanted, that's it's the right one for you. You just fall in love.' Patrick spoke earnestly. 

God. Did he even know what he was saying? How he'd perfectly described Kevin's life since he'd moved to San Francisco? You just sometimes instinctively knew when you saw something you wanted that it was totally right, and you just fell in love. 

Patrick looked up at Kevin, probably confused by his silence. When he saw Kevin's smile though, he must have known exactly where Kevin's mind had gone to because that blush Kevin loved so much swept across his face and he broke out into his embarrassed grin.

'I think I know what you mean.' Kevin said softly.

'Good' Patrick replied, looking back down at his rapidly emptying plate. Then a second later, he looked back at Kevin's plate. 'Are you going to finish your bacon?'

Kevin laughed as Patrick stretched over to take it from him, but the laughter died as he saw Patrick's wrist hovering over his plate. He grabbed it gently, and stroked at the red marks.

'Sorry' he said sheepishly, looking up at Patrick apologetically.

'Sure you are.' Patrick raised an eyebrow as he shook Kevin's hand off to spear the bacon with his fork.

'No, really. That looks pretty bad. You should have said something.' 

'I didn't even realize it till after...you know...you untied me' Patrick mouthed the last two words, looking around to make sure no one was watching him. 

'I told  you to stop twisting so much. You should have listened to me.' Kevin said gravely, working hard to suppress a smile.

'Yeah, well, sorry I couldn't, you know, control myself fully, but, it was a slightly...new experience' Patrick was indignant. 'And you can wipe that smile right off your face' he continued, pointing his fork at Kevin's chest. 'Because that is NOT happening again.'

Kevin pouted.

'But you LOVED it. You know there are ways you can tell when men are really enjoying themselves. Would you like me to explain?'

'Ha fucking ha. Very funny. I didn't say I didn't like it...ok love it, but, still, it was very very weird.'

'Ok babe. We won't do that again. Though it was fucking hot. Made my head explode just seeing you like that.'

'Would you please keep your voice down? I don't think the other patrons of the diner need to know just how much of a pervert you are.' Patrick whispered furiously. Kevin nodded his head contritely and remained silent for a moment. But he couldn't resist.

'Would you like to have a turn?' He asked innocently. Patrick's head shot up and his eyes widened in shock.

'Fuck yeah' he exclaimed, all consideration of the other patrons gone.

'Do you think you could handle...all this?' Kevin looked down his own body before bringing his head back up to stare at Patrick.

'Fucking bring it' Patrick shot back.

'I will keep that in mind' Kevin grinned. 

'Nothing more though, right? I mean, no toys or anything. I'm not into that.' Patrick suddenly seemed very nervous, making Kevin laugh outright.

'Relax. We had that conversation, remember? That Sunday morning, the Sunday you turned up in your little leather vest?' Kevin reminded him.

'Oh god. Fuck. That vest. I was so fucking embarrassed.' Patrick grimaced.

'Well I almost went cross-eyed trying not to stare at you in it' Kevin laughed.

'Really? I didn't know.' Patrick seemed happy with the revelation though. As Kevin thought back to that day, remembering the sight of Patrick looking so sexual and delicious, he also remembered the other feelings that day had brought. The feelings of confusion, of abandonment, of jealousy as Patrick had left so suddenly, with no warning. That had also been the end of what he considered their happy flirting phase. 

'What happened that day?' He asked, staring at Patrick.

'What do you mean?' Patrick looked genuinely confused.

'Well, one minute we were sitting there, chatting, laughing, and yes, flirting, and then you were gone. You just got up and left, and I thought we'd been having a really good time.' 

Patrick stared back at Kevin as if considering what he should say. Kevin just waited patiently. That evening had been such a watershed for him, and he had been so confused about it for so long that it was suddenly very important that he get some answers. Patrick sighed.

'You mentioned Jon.' He said simply. Kevin raised his eyebrows in surprise.

'Excuse me?' 

'You said how Jon wouldn't let you eat any fried food.' Patrick must have thought he was making things clearer with this explanation but he really wasn't.

'Patrick, we'd been talking about Jon on and off the whole day! I'd even gone to meet him at the apartment. Why did mentioning him then suddenly freak you out.' Kevin pushed.

'Because of Agustin. Because of what he said.'

'Agustin? He said something about Jon?' this was more confusing than ever.

'No. He said something about me. When we were at the office, while you were at home with Jon, he told me I was having a fantasy relationship with you and that I had to realize that my life was pretty empty but you got to go home to your boyfriend when we were done flirting and...whatever it was we were doing.' Patrick shrugged. 'So when you said that you wanted to get fried chicken because Jon wouldn't let you...I just felt that I was a substitute for you, for the real thing, which you would also get to have when you got home, so...I picked myself up and left.'

Fuck. That made a lot of sense. And it also made Kevin feel like a fucking shit-head for having been so casually cruel to Patrick, even though it had never been deliberate. He hadn't thought for a minute what it might be like for Patrick to want him all the way back in those early days and to believe that he was unattainable. 

'I'm sorry. It was thoughtless of me. Which is pretty much a description for most of my behavior before you dumped me. Not really thinking about your side of stuff. I'm so so sorry.' Kevin took Patrick's hand and squeezed his fingers, wanting Patrick to feel his remorse. Patrick smiled at him and stroked his thumb.

'I still like the idea of you looking at me in that vest, though. I think I might have to look for it again. It's probably at the bottom of my closet, the one which you have pretty much taken over.'

'You were fucking gorgeous in that vest Patrick Murray. You made my heart stop.' Kevin was grateful for Patrick's change of conversation. Though that itself brought up more difficult memories. What the fuck was wrong with him? They'd been having such a nice brunch and now he was flooded with all the painful crap of the past. But fuck it. In for a penny, in for a pound.

'Did you wear it when you went out that night?' Kevin asked. Patrick's face gave him the answer he dreaded.

'Hmhmm.' He nodded, taking his hand back.

'And did you go and meet your friends at a bar?' Kevin persisted.

'Yup. I went to meet them at the End Up' Patrick replied, biting his lip. 'Look, Kevin, I don't know what the point of...'

'Did you meet Richie that night? Wearing that vest?' Kevin interrupted. Patrick sighed and looked at Kevin.

'I did. And yes, it was the night we hooked up.'

Now it was Kevin's turn to sigh. Well, he'd already known that Richie was part of Patrick's past, but the thought of him seeing Patrick in that vest really bothered him.

'Kevin,  you were the one that said what we did in the past with others didn't have any bearing on what we do now together, right? That we could do the same things we've done before but that because it was the two of us, that it would be different. Well, that's true for me too. And I know you think it's strange that I'm still friends with Richie, but I'm also friends with Dom and you saw how we are together! There's nothing but real friendship there, regardless of what we had in the past. Right?'

Kevin nodded hesitantly.

'And you know what? I never told Richie, actually I never told ANYONE before that I loved them. So... there's that.' Patrick trailed off. 

Patrick still found the words hard to say. But he was right. Kevin was the only person that Patrick had ever said the words to. So yes, Richie got to take him home that night, the night that Kevin stayed in the office feeling bewildered and betrayed, and yes, he'd had a piece of Patrick for a few weeks, but today, Patrick was sitting across the table from HIM, eating brunch, planning dinner parties, fantasizing about owning a dog, making lists of specifications for what would actually be their home together, whether he realized it or not. And he was the one that got to tie Patrick naked to the bed and play with his body for hours the night before. And he was the one that Patrick wanted to tie to the bed next time, and have his turn. And at that thought, Kevin's day turned bright again, and harmony was restored. They didn't need the leather vest, though if Patrick wore it he certainly wouldn't complain. Just the two of them naked was enough to blow his mind, and he got to have that every night of the fucking week. 

As if Patrick could sense the direction Kevin's mind had taken, he put his fork down next to his now totally clean plate.

'Where did you learn about how to do that, but the way? With the ties?' He asked curiously.

'Looking for instructions?' Kevin grinned.

'Jerk. Just tell me.' Patrick insisted.

'Have you heard of the internet, Patrick? Oh wait...yes you have. I seem to remember some official work papers about some of the more interesting web pages you visited...'

'You're such an ass' Patrick complained, rolling his eyes.

'Yeah, but you love me anyway' Kevin gave his very very cutest smile.

'Yeah. I guess I do.' Patrick admitted, grudgingly.

Kevin watched Patrick for a moment, as Patrick tried to get the waitress' attention to get the check.

'I don't mind showing you. You know. The knots. When we get home.' Kevin said casually. Patrick's head spun round.

'Now? In broad daylight?' 

Kevin shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, but just at the thought, he whole body was springing to life. Patrick grabbed his phone and started texting.

'What are you doing?' Kevin asked.

'Texting Agustin to get the fuck out of the apartment. That's one of the benefits of him never paying any rent. Guilt free temporary eviction at a moment's notice.' 

'Tell him to stay away till tomorrow morning.' Kevin prompted. Patrick raised an eyebrow? 

'You sure you can handle that?' he teased Kevin.

'As a wise man once said, Fucking bring it.'

And they both did. 


	20. Moving On Up

_Two Weeks Later, Sunday Evening_

Kevin stood in the soon-to-be-his empty apartment, looking around at the blank walls. He was a fucking genius. Putting Patrick in charge of finding his new home had paid off in spades. In one week he would be moving into this fucking fantastic apartment, and with any luck, Patrick would be following him soon after.

Kevin smiled as he walked over to the huge windows and looked out at the view. Unbelievable. He thought back to the shitty little semi-detached he had grown up in, and in his mind, though obviously it couldn't be possible, everything about that house, the street he grew up in, his whole neighborhood...everything was in dull shades of brown and grey. He had dreamt every day of escaping that place, never once feeling he belonged. And no one had believed he could make it, except his poor old dad. His teachers had warned him over and over again as they held him back for detention that he was headed for a life of delinquency. But he'd shown them, when he got straight As in his A-levels and been accepted to Bristol University to study engineering. His so-called-friends had laughed at him when he spoke of anything more than the life they all aspired to, meeting a girl, getting her pregnant, spending every Friday night down at the pub, working in sales, low-level-management, anything that would give them a paycheck. They thought he was arrogant. Needed to be brought down a peg or two. Ambition, aspirations, dreams...all dirty words. Only his dad had understood him. He'd had his own dreams once but he'd drank his way down to accepting the life he actually had. He'd been drunk the day Kevin left for university and didn't even say goodbye, but Kevin knew that he was fucking relieved his son was getting out of that place, not stuck there like he was.

Kevin took out his phone and snapped a picture of the view. He would text that to his dad. It would make him happy.

These windows though. Fuck they were huge. Kevin ran his fingers down the glass, stroking it while he thought of Patrick's response to them yesterday morning. He smiled as he contemplated the fact that in unleashing Patrick's sensuality he may have created just a tiny bit of a monster.

Kevin had loved the place as soon as they'd walked in. It was exactly what he'd been imagining. Clean, simple lines, modern, every convenience you could want, with an insane roof garden and a location that was perfect. He didn't think Patrick would like it one bit though. No moldings, no drafty fireplace, no cracked window frames or flaking plaster. Basically, the complete opposite of Patrick's beloved home. But he had to stop thinking that he knew what Patrick would say and do in every situation because that man kept surprising him. Kevin had found him standing in the bedroom, staring out of the floor-to-ceiling windows, sighing deeply. Kevin almost dreaded asking him his opinion, but probably best to get it over with.

'What do you think?' Kevin asked, running his hands over Patrick's arms before he draped himself over his shoulders. He just couldn't keep his hands off this man, and luckily Patrick seemed to love the constant contact.

'I think I'm going to really enjoy fucking you against this glass' Patrick had replied, shocking the hell out of Kevin. Hidden fucking depths.

'Oh, is that right?'

'Yeah. In front of all the neighbors. It's always kind of been a fantasy of mine. A little higher up in the fantasy...' he smiled cheekily, pulling Kevin's arms tighter around him.

'Oh, Ok. What, with my belly pressed up against the glass' Kevin thrust his crotch into Patrick ass, loving the sexual teasing.

'Exactly' Patrick replied, low and sexy.

'And these windows can take it...' They'd been interrupted by the realtor, who Kevin had completely forgotten was still there. Now that had been fucking embarrassing. Being caught dry-humping your boyfriend by a lovely middle-aged lady wearing floral perfume and pearls was pretty high on Kevin's list of things never to do. Patrick fucking Murray had reduced him to a bumbling teenager.

She had been grace personified though, barely looking at the two of them as they tried to conceal their boners behind strategically placed hands. They were a pair of idiots.

Patrick seemed a little shocked when Kevin had decided to just take this place. He was done looking. He wanted the next bit of their lives to start. The part where he and Patrick had a place of their own with no roommates, no thin walls, no old mattresses...just the two of them making a new beginning. And Patrick had some pretty exciting plans for that window, so, this place was it.

Kevin had been in the mood to celebrate, ecstatic that the search was finally over, but they hadn't been able to spend the evening alone as he would have wanted since this was The Big Night. The night that Kevin was going to officially meet the famous Dana Murray as Patrick's boyfriend. This was obviously a big deal for Patrick, who apparently had never introduced any of his romantic partners to his family before. Not that there had been very many to introduce, but still, this was a huge step forward for him.

Kevin looked at Patrick, fidgeting nervously as they waited for the cab they'd ordered to arrive, and he felt such a wave of protective love towards him. He would make this night go well for him. He would make Patrick proud. He had a reputation to overcome obviously, but he would bring his fucking A game and use everything he had learnt climbing his way up the management ladder to impress and charm his boyfriend's mother.

'Patrick, It's going to be absolutely fine. I'm so fucking good with mums.' he'd reassured him.

But in the end he'd barely needed to do anything but be himself, because he and Dana Murray seemed to have a common goal for this night. They both wanted Patrick to be happy, and they were both willing to do whatever it took to make that happen.

Patrick had described his mum as cold and withholding, though they'd been working on their relationship apparently and things were getting a little better, but to Kevin it was obvious how much this woman loved her son. She was delighted to see Patrick, and took such a genuine interest in his life, wanting to know the details of his job, asking about his friends, showing a willingness to both get to know and like Kevin with no judgement. Kevin could see that what he considered gracious and polite might, to her own son seem unapproachable and remote, but Patrick should be able to see beneath that reserve to the real depth of emotion she had for him. Men and their mothers. Why did it always have to be so fucking complicated.

And Dana Murray also obviously knew her son very well, regardless of how distant Patrick felt they had been over the years.

She didn't seem phased by his obvious anxiety, she didn't let herself get flustered by his nervous energy....she remained pleasant and engaging throughout the evening, and Kevin couldn't help but see some similarities between himself and Dana. The outer shell of charm they both carried, which made people gravitate towards them but also successfully kept them at a distance. The desire to remain detached from what was going on around them, in control, guarding themselves from getting too involved, too emotional too quickly. And of course their shared weakness for the drama and messiness that was Patrick Murray.

Kevin had a feeling that Dana enjoyed the sheer panic on Patrick's face as Kevin gave her a tour of their app as much as he did. And so of course Kevin had dragged it out and made it as uncomfortable as possible for him. Patrick's eyes could not have got any wider as Dana peered at the picture of 'The Leather Daddy' intently. Kevin had picked that game character deliberately, thinking of the night two weeks ago when Patrick had unearthed his naughty little vest from the floor of his closet. 

Dana had eventually asked about the financial side of the game, reminding Kevin how Americans were so much more comfortable talking about money and ambition. Good for mother Murray. And somehow that conversation had led to the best surprise of the evening as she gave them what Kevin could only think of as her blessing.

'You're very lucky. Both of you' she said, referring directly to the fact that they had found a way to enjoy their careers and make money from it, but Kevin felt it was meant a little more broadly than that. And he couldn't fucking agree more. She had hit the nail right on the head. They were lucky. Incredibly so. And Kevin felt genuinely...moved. This was a woman who loved Patrick. He could relate to that. She wanted him to be happy, and for that, she got all the brownie points in the world. He wanted her to know just how fantastic her son was. She deserved to know that. She deserved to know that her son was cherished and appreciated and loved, and that he was in safe hands.

'Yeah, I agree' he said simply. 'And even though the last two months have not been without drama...' and with that strange bond they seemed to have developed, both he and the lovely Dana had grimaced at the exact same moment, and leant towards each other.

'So I heard' she teased him.

'Yep' he acknowledged.

'Well, I think I am the luckiest man in the world to be with your son.'

She had liked that. A lot. And Patrick had blushed as he listened to their conversation.

'Well.' Dana had smiled at Kevin. 'It's always a bumpy ride isn't it?.'

And Kevin had had to work so hard to not burst out laughing at the incomparably smart Dana Murray. Oh she did know him so very very well. Patrick's face, though. He would never forget Patrick's face in that moment, as he realized that his own mother had formed an alliance with his boyfriend, and she was basically commiserating with him, warning him about the life he had chosen to lead with her difficult, complicated, tricky but very beloved boy.

So there were two things to celebrate when they finally found themselves alone, in Patrick's apartment, behind the closed doors of his bedroom. 

Kevin stood still, inches away from Patrick, both of them still clothed, both leaning towards each other but never quite touching. Kevin reached his hand up and ran his hand slowly, deliberately, through Patrick's hair, down to cup his neck. He pulled Patrick's head forward until their mouths were almost touching, but still, he held back just that last inch. Patrick's lips parted as his breathing slowed down and became heavier, deeper, and still they stared straight into each other's eyes.

The anticipation of what was to come had made Kevin rock hard already, and in the complete silence of the room he could swear he heard his own heartbeat pounding. Not able to wait any longer he reached out a hand to cup Patrick's crotch, and he smiled as he felt him hard and ready. Patrick's eyes narrowed and they moved down to Kevin's mouth as he pushed himself into Kevin's hand.

'What do you want?' Kevin whispered.

'Anything. Everything.' Patrick whispered back. And Kevin finally closed the last inch of space between them and kissed Patrick. Soft, butterfly kisses, barely landing on his lips. 

'I fucking love you.' He told Patrick pulling his head back by his hair, looking at his beautiful face for one last second before he closed his eyes and just fucking devoured him. It never got old, kissing Patrick. But he needed more, and he needed it now. Patrick was obviously of the same mind because within seconds his hands were unbuckling and unbuttoning Kevin's jeans and then...oh yes...Patrick held him tight and started to stroke him in a maddeningly slow but delicious rhythm. 

Fuck. Kevin wanted to be inside him so badly, but he really needed Patrick to see what he saw. He wanted Patrick to see the way he looked when he was so dazed with passion, so completely fucking beautiful with lust. He walked Patrick backwards into the small bathroom, undressing him while he kissed him, while Patrick kept steadily stroking him. 

Oh god. This had to happen now, soon otherwise it wasn't going to happen at all. Kevin pulled himself out of Patrick's hands and turned him round to face the mirror over the sink. Patrick's eyes widened as he realized Kevin's intentions, and he stood motionless as Kevin finished undressing them both.

Kevin snagged supplies from the bathroom shelf and pushing forward, forcing Patrick to hold onto the sink as leant over him, he whispered into Patrick's ear

'Keep your eyes open. I want you to watch. I want you to see.'

Patrick's eyes were transfixed on his own face as Kevin pushed his fingers inside him, readying him, playing with him, toying with him. He tagged Patrick's p-spot and Patrick gasped, still staring at himself, but also moving his eyes to watch Kevin in the mirror as Kevin played and played.

'Fuck' Patrick moaned.

'Oh yes. I will. But I just want to watch your face a little longer. Can you see what I see every time I fuck you with my fingers?' Kevin whispered in his ear, biting at his earlobe, tugging at it to the same rhythm as his hand inside Patrick's body.

'yes' Patrick panted. 'Please' he begged.

Kevin couldn't resist him any more. He was so fucking beautiful and hot and gorgeous and he was making Kevin's head spin with his noises and with the look of lust on his face and with his begging and with his whole fucking amazing self...

Kevin couldn't keep his own eyes open as he entered Patrick, squeezing them shut as he felt all that delicious tightness around him, but moments later he forced himself to focus on Patrick as he began moving, and the reward was off the fucking charts. He was not going to last long at all if he kept watching Patrick watch himself as he was being fucked over the bathroom sink. He reached round to grab Patrick's cock and start stroking him. He wanted them to come together, while they watched. 

Patrick's eyes were glazed with lust, but he still kept them on the mirror, on their faces, until the very last minute when he just couldn't keep them open any longer as he came and came in Kevin's hand. Kevin managed to keep his eyes on Patrick through his own orgasm, though it was fucking hard. But he really didn't want to miss a second of it. It was so fucking glorious.

They stood there panting heavily, Patrick's forehead resting on the mirror, Kevin's resting on Patrick's back. And Kevin managed to smile through his exhaustion as he heard Patrick say in a small, quiet voice,

'I fucking love you too.'

.........

As he remembered that sweetest declaration from the night before, standing in this empty apartment, imagining it filled with their stuff, Kevin leaned his forehead against the window and closed his eyes. Every fucking dream of his was coming true and he was so...happy.

But god, he hoped he hadn't fucked up this morning.

His plan had been to just let the whole moving in together thing happen naturally, but Patrick had completely blindsided him when they'd been in that mattress store. He needed a new bed, and had taken Patrick mattress shopping with him. Firstly because doing anything with Patrick was fun, and secondly, because Patrick would be sleeping in the bed a lot, and he wanted to make sure Patrick liked the bed. Really pretty uncomplicated stuff. One minute he was in nerd-heaven, adjusting his sleep number, his boyfriend teasing him, laughing together, and the next...he'd found himself having one of the most important discussions of his life, lying fully clothed on a mattress, in a store, surrounded by strangers. Never a dull moment.

'Hey, you haven't reconsidered the zoo have you?' Patrick asked hopefully. Kevin wasn't totally clear on how he'd got himself committed to a day at the San Francisco Zoo on a Sunday in December, but Dana Murray obviously still knew how to pull her little boy's strings because that's where Patrick had been ordered to show up this morning. His mother was going to attempt the impossible and try to smooth out the relationship between the siblings.

Kevin personally thought it was a lost cause. Megan and Gus had been through several weeks of baby-sitting Jon through his heartbreak, and Kevin couldn't imagine Megan's opinion of him could be any lower at this point. A few weeks earlier Kevin would have been concerned to have Patrick spend a day with his viperish sister, but now, he knew Patrick was solid. He knew Patrick wouldn't be influenced by her, or let her sway his opinion of Kevin. Patrick loved him and he didn't believe there was anything Megan could say or do to change that. Still, he wished for Patrick's sake he didn't have to go through with this today. He really felt genuinely sorry for Patrick...but not enough to join him.

'Fuck no.' he replied emphatically. 'You go make peace with the Gorgon, and in three or four years we'll all get together and have a nice laugh about it.' Pretty harmless comment. A little funny, a little bitchy...not that much to it Kevin would have thought.

'Oh wow! Three or four years! I like that you're thinking long term' Patrick said, looking sideways at Kevin lying in the bed.

Huh. Every time Kevin thought they were on the same page, Patrick would do or say something so totally shocking to him that his brain would just shut down for a few seconds. Did Patrick just say...

'I wasn't so sure, after you didn't ask me to move in with you.' Patrick continued, a little embarrassed, as if he had worked up the nerve to confront Kevin but wasn't too sure how this would go.

Kevin blinked as he tried to process what Patrick had just said. Maybe he was just joking. Surely he was. He couldn't be serious. No...he couldn't, because if he was serious...

What in the holy FUCK had Patrick been thinking was happening between them all this time. What was he trying to do with this conversation? Was he trying to force Kevin into declaring his intentions? No fucking problem.  Everything Kevin had done since the moment he stood on his stoop, asking Patrick if he would take him back, everything had been about showing Patrick how much he loved him and wanted to be with him. For fucking ever! When would that fucking message sink in? 

It seemed that for this particular man, words spoke louder than actions. Alright. So words it was. Kevin had plenty of them. He'd avoided using them so as not to scare Patrick off, but if he didn't say anything now, and Patrick WASN'T joking, the stupid wanker would probably think Kevin didn't want them living together, which was the EXACT opposite of everything Kevin had been trying to show him!

Kevin still had to tread carefully though. Patrick was tricky and his mind moved in very mysterious ways. Kevin's heart started racing as he realized that the next few minutes could well determine the next part of his life, and he wasn't prepared. He knew what he wanted, and he was pretty sure he knew what Patrick wanted, but...if Kevin pushed too hard and sent Patrick over some invisible edge, would Patrick panic and back away? What could he say to get this bit right?

'Well.' Kevin began, hesitantly, leaning up on his elbow to look Patrick in the face. How the fuck should he put this? 'I wanted to ask you but...I wasn't too sure if you'd think it was too soon or...'

'Crazy?' Patrick supplied as Kevin searched for the right word. Patrick had landed on that word pretty quickly, Kevin thought, a little discouraged. But if he thought it was crazy, why the fuck had Patrick brought it up? Shit...maybe he had just been joking after all and never intended for Kevin to take this seriously and actually have this conversation...but it was out there now.

'Crazy yep...and have you running for the hills.' Kevin confirmed. 'But...' Fuck it. He just had to say it and pray that Patrick would not freak out. 'I got that apartment...for us. I want this bed, to be OUR bed. Whenever you're ready' Kevin assured him, watching him closely for any signs of panic. There. Declaration made loud and clear. Now he just had to sit back and wait for the drama.

But maybe he'd underestimated Patrick in this instance, because he actually seemed...OK. A little surprised, which was confusing to Kevin because if he didn't think Kevin wanted to live with him, why mention it? Was he expecting rejection? This man was going to be the fucking death of him.

'Wait...are you saying...'

Fuck this. No more pussyfooting around. It should have been completely obvious to Patrick exactly what Kevin had been saying but it seemed he was being too subtle.

'If I wasn't so comfortable, I'd probably get down on one knee and ask you, Patrick Murray, will you move in with me. And brush your teeth in the sink next to mine each morning.' As they'd been doing for the past five fucking weeks!

'It's a major step, Kevin' Patrick said quietly, calmly. And at his tone, and at the look on Patrick's face...Kevin started finding his balance again. Patrick didn't look panicked, he didn't look like he was desperately trying to find an escape route, he actually looked...thoughtful.

'Yep it is. Yes.' Kevin confirmed. It was a huge fucking step when put out in the open like that. And there was nothing he wanted more that to take that step with this man. 'Ready when you are' he told Patrick simply. And that was the fucking truth. He was ready right now, but he'd wait for however long it took Patrick to get there too. He quickly pushed aside the sudden painful thought that he always seemed to be waiting for Patrick. Stupid truant thoughts. Patrick was entitled to take all the time he needed.

Patrick smiled at him, his eyes dropping to Kevin's mouth. Kevin knew an invitation when he saw one, and he leaned over and kissed that mouth he loved so much, that he knew so well.

'Why didn't you say anything?' Patrick asked quietly when Kevin drew back. Kevin laughed wryly.

'Patrick, you are a fucking mystery to me. If I thought for one minute that you were ready for this conversation I would have had it weeks ago when I first contacted the broker.' Kevin admitted. And it felt good to finally say that. This Patrick, the one that was calm and sensible and could put all his anxieties and internal panicking aside and have a mature discussion, Kevin loved this Patrick. Well, he loved all the Patricks but this one was the one he really appreciated right at this very minute.

'Why do you think I've had you come along to every showing? That any place you didn't like was knocked right of the list? Didn't any of that give you any clues as to what I might be thinking?'

'Oh. Right.' Patrick seemed bemused. 'So...YOU don't think it's too soon?' 

Kevin shook his head.

'I know how I feel. I know what I want. And others may think what they like but, I know how we are when we are together and why would I not want that every day? But that doesn't mean you have to feel the same right now. Ok? There's no pressure. You can take your time to decide, but just...it's good that if you didn't know how I felt, that you know now.' Kevin finished clumsily. But Patrick seemed to have understood because he smiled, looking relieved, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Jesus. This boy's insecurities were going to one day make him want to jump off the fucking roof. Kevin sighed as he contemplated a life ahead of him of being blindsided by Patrick's convoluted thought processes.

Kevin was almost reluctant to make Patrick go to the zoo by himself after such a hugely significant discussion, but in all honesty his presence would surely only make Megan more feral and less likely to be reasonable. So he put Patrick in a cab and forced himself to keep running his errands while he waited, and waited. And eventually he had come back to the apartment to start planning and making lists of what more was needed, and he waited even more.

Finally Kevin had heard from him about half an hour ago, when Patrick had texted him that he had seen his mother off to the airport from the hotel. No word on how the confrontation with Megan had gone, no word on anything about any conversations that had been had. Hopefully that meant everyone had survived the ordeal unscathed. Even if a meeting of the minds was not possible, Kevin believed that If anyone could at least keep those two in line it would definitely be Dana Murray.

Kevin had texted Patrick back, telling him to come and meet him at the new place. He wasn't done measuring stuff, and he could use some help on deciding which walls to hang the new TVs on.

But at the thought that Patrick was coming here, and that this could potentially be their new home together very soon, he'd got distracted, and here he was, leaning against the bedroom window and thinking about the delicious plans Patrick had for this particular one, and about all the major shit that had happened in just two days.

He was such a lovesick cliche, he almost made himself puke. Almost. Because in truth he was loving it. But, back to measuring and list making. He turned his music back, on hoping it would help distract him from the thoughts of Patrick and sex. Looking around for his biro, he remembered he'd stuffed it in his back pocket and as he went to retrieve it, he pulled out some small pieces of card that fell to the floor. Bending down to pick them up he looked at them, puzzled for a moment as he tried to remember what the hell they were.

Oh fuck. They were the business cards from GaymerX. The few that the more aggressive men had pressed into his hand. Kevin shook his head, smiling. 

As if. 

He was a realist, and who knew? One day at some point maybe he might find the thought a little exciting and maybe get a bit of an itch again for a brief quick taste of the unknown. Didn't all men?  And women too probably, but fuck knew he wasn't an expert on that half of the population. But now, with what he had, with what waited for him in his bed every night, it seemed a fucking ridiculous notion. What he did know though was that love had changed him. Whatever happened, Patrick was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and he was not going to repeat the same mistakes he had made in the past. He was not going to get complacent, he was not going to take this connection for granted. It was too precious, and it was too important. He wouldn't jeopardize it by lying to Patrick, by deceiving him even for an instant. Patrick's trust was too important to him, and he had not cared enough, or maybe just not cared in the right way for Jon to nurture and deserve that trust. But Patrick was not Jon. Not in any way.

Patrick was everything to him, and he would never lie to him, never give Patrick cause to doubt that what he said was the absolute truth. 

Kevin looked down at the business cards and ripped them up, tossing them into the fast food container he had brought in with him.

The door buzzer rang, and Kevin grinned. Pathetic lovesick wanker. He went and buzzed Patrick up, leaving the door open so Patrick could walk in, before returning to the bedroom and taking out his measuring tape. He didn't want to have to explain to Patrick that he had spent a good part of the afternoon thinking about the sex they had had and the sex they would have if he could avoid it. Patrick got a little bossy when he felt Kevin was shirking his duties to obsess over sex. So, he was going to look busy when Patrick came in, and hope Patrick didn't ask for an exact accounting of his day.

He heard Patrick's footsteps and realized that this was what it was going to sound like in the future. Patrick walking on their floors. Their floors. One day. He turned to look at his boyfriend as he walked in.

'Hi' Patrick said.

'Hey' 

Patrick looked serious as fuck. Purposeful. Determined. 

'I want to do this.' He said quietly. Kevin's heart sped up as he watched Patrick walk up to him and stand inches away.

'I want to move in with you, and be with you and spend Christmas with you here. Just the two of us'

Well. The mystery that was Patrick fucking Murray.

Kevin smiled. This was going to be fucking epic.


	21. The Best Is Yet To Come

'Am I too heavy?' Patrick whispered in Kevin's ear, as he lay on top of him, squashing his face into the mattress.

'You're a lightweight' Kevin replied, turning his head to the side, trying to draw in deep breaths, trying to recover from his fucking amazing orgasm. 'In every sense of the word' Kevin continued, teasing.

'That's not what you were saying seconds ago' Patrick chuckled, biting his ear. 'I think I remember you saying I was magnificent beyond all compare. The most majestic and supreme  lover you'd ever had.'

'Sure. Sounds like something I would say' Kevin murmured, feeling the post sex haze coming over him. 

Patrick rolled off him to his side, and, leaning up on his elbow, started drawing his little patterns on Kevin's back. Kevin smiled...content.

'Now that's how one christens a new bed' Patrick sounded very smug.

'So much for all that talk about the window' 

'Oh don't you worry. That will definitely happen. One day, probably very soon' Patrick smiled, leaning over to kiss Kevin's neck.

'You're all talk Patrick Murray'

'Am not! What about all the things we've done these past few weeks!' 

'What things? Which ones are you referring to?' Kevin pretended to be confused.

'You know. Those...things' Patrick blushed.

'You're going to have to be a lot more specific. You might have to describe 'those things' in detail if you want me to actually remember what you're talking about. Lots and lots of detail. Start at the beginning and I'll tell you when you can stop. ' Kevin deadpanned.

'You're such an ass. I really don't know why I love you.' Patrick huffed as he turned onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. Kevin smiled as he stared at Patrick's profile.

'I know. I'm difficult. Sorry. How can I make it up to you?' Kevin asked as he skated a hand over Patrick's chest and moved it slowly down towards his...

'NOT like that. Not now.' Patrick grabbed his hand and pinned it to his stomach. 'We have so much work to do. There are like a thousand boxes we need to unpack, and we have those drinks tonight and then the benefit thingy, so what you can do is clean up this mess, because you're the one that said keeping the plastic on would be easier to wipe clean, and then, we need to make a start on unpacking.' Bossy Patrick was back. Yay.

But he was right about the boxes. Kevin wanted them unpacked as quickly as possible too, so they could make this place their own, so it could feel like a home. However, with their furniture still not delivered, where the hell would they put all of their stuff? Clothes were easy, toiletries, the minimal kitchen equipment they'd each brought with them...but nic nacs, treasures, stuff like that, they would have to wait for furniture. Which meant there were going to be living with some boxes for a while, because while Patrick still had practically no clothes, he had box loads of other fucking stuff, like books, magazines, trinkets from travels, art stuff from Agustin, even crap from his time at Berkley. His boy liked to collect stuff, and he didn't like to let stuff go. 

Kevin didn't complain though. Not once. From the moment that Patrick had told him last week that he was ready to move in, Kevin had been the model of a supportive, helpful boyfriend. He knew the slightest thing could send Patrick into one of his freakouts because he had the mother-load of all crap news dumped on him, ironically by his mother.

And so far, he'd been impressively calm about it, almost philosophical. Still, however much he might insist that his mother developing feelings for another man and contemplating leaving his father was completely within the realm of the things he could handle, Kevin was keeping an eye on him for signs of anxiety. It was never easy when your parents split, whatever stage of life you might be at, but what concerned Kevin more was the uncomfortable parallels between Dana's story and his own. Yet another thing he had in common with her. However, Dana had chosen to act very differently. She had not started an affair, but was taking the time to consider, to ponder, to decide what she wanted to do about their father before committing to anything with this new man. And the contrast between her actions and Kevin's was a little bit too stark for Kevin's comfort.

Patrick hadn't told him very much about his conversation with Megan because Dana's news had overshadowed everything else. All he heard was that Jon was still confused and hurt, which Kevin already knew from the e-mails and texts he still got periodically, and that Megan thought Kevin was an asshole. Since the feeling was mutual, Kevin wasn't much bothered about her opinion, but he didn't want Patrick's relationship with her to continue deteriorating. They'd have to work on that. After the holidays. 

His priority now was Patrick, and making this transition to their new place as smooth and drama-free for him as possible. 

So Kevin had not protested when Patrick refused to hire a moving company to pack all his stuff in boxes for him. Patrick had insisted that he go through everything himself, supposedly so he could choose what would follow him and what could be discarded, though judging by the fact that the discard pile barely filled one trash bag, Kevin suspected that this was more of an excuse for Patrick to look at his collected memories and get to tell Kevin all his stories. It was just as well that Kevin fucking loved his stories. All of them. From the slightly melancholy ones about his lonely, isolated, confusing childhood, to the wilder, happier ones of his more recent past. Therefore every evening this past week they had been packing Patrick's stuff up, and he had learnt more and more about Patrick, and he was so stupid with love that he found everything he learnt fascinating and wonderful and special. Because it was about Patrick. God help him.

Kevin did notice that there wasn't much tangible proof of their history together. No theatre playbills, no postcards from trips, no business cards from swanky restaurants. But that would change now. He was going to make sure Patrick had boxes and boxes to fill with all the crap that they would accumulate from all the stuff they were going to do together from now on. 

The only thing Patrick did have as a memento for them was a broken glow stick, and Kevin had almost thrown that out the night before move-in day not knowing why the hell it was even on a shelf, but Patrick had caught him and saved it at the last minute.

'Oh my god, you can't throw that away!' Patrick exclaimed, snatching it out of Kevin's hands and holding it protectively.

'It's a glow stick. A broken one. Why the hell are you keeping a broken glow stick?' Kevin asked.

'Don't you remember this? It's our glow stick. And by the way, it was also a flash light before it ran out of...whatever it uses for power.'

'Our glow stick? Patrick, what are you talking about?' Kevin was confused.

'The night of the Russian River? I was wearing it? You really don't remember?' Patrick pressed him, obviously hoping for a stronger reaction.

'I'm sorry babe. I was a little distracted. By your...hotness?' Kevin tried. Patrick sighed.

'It's ok. A fairy in the woods gave it to me. Literally, a fairy, in the woods. He told me to let it light up my life and let it guide me, and then a minute later I was swallowing Molly and heading for the wildest fucking party I have ever been to.' Patrick laughed.

'Fucking Agustin. Drugging you up like that. The way you react to pot he must have been insane to give you ecstasy.' Kevin grumbled. 

'But it was fantastic. I really did feel everything was so much brighter, and simpler and clearer. And it made me so fucking horny...'

'For which I am indeed grateful.' Kevin interrupted Patrick, and leaned forward to give him a kiss.

'You SHOULD be grateful, but not for the Molly because by the time you drove up I think it was mostly out of my system. You should just be happy that I chose to wait for you rather than work out my horniness with the cute guy in the cap.' Patrick said, as he linked his arms around Kevin's shoulders and pressed small, fleeting kisses across his face. Kevin pulled back and frowned, staring at Patrick.

'What cute guy?' What the fuck was Patrick talking about.

Patrick's eyes widened as he stared back.

'Didn't I tell you about him?' he seemed surprised. Kevin shook his head, waiting.

'Ok. Well, while I was dancing, definitely high and just having a good time, finally just being...fucking happy...this incredibly hot, totally insanely amazing looking guy walked up to me, and without saying a word, we just...started making out.'

'Oh. Really.' Kevin really had no right to be annoyed. The night Patrick was talking about he had been lying in bed with another man himself, and anyway, he knew how the story ended. With him driving up to the Russian River and fucking Patrick against a redwood tree. Still. He didn't like the way the story was starting. A cute guy, Patrick making out with him, obviously dealing with difficult feelings because it took Molly to finally make him happy. And Kevin could just bet who had caused those difficult feelings. It was a little frightening to think how the evening could have gone completely differently, and how Kevin might not even be standing here if Patrick had chosen to get his rocks off with cute-cap-guy.

'So why did you call me? Why didn't you have sex with the cute guy in the cap?' Kevin had to know.

'I couldn't fuck him.' Patrick shrugged. 'He was probably one of the most gorgeous men I've ever seen...' Now he was just deliberately being a dick, Kevin could tell....'but, he wasn't you. And I realized that the only person I wanted to fuck that night was you. So...I called you.' 

Kevin grinned. He liked that. A lot. He leaned forward again for a kiss.

'I'm glad you called me. Really, really glad.' Kevin whispered against Patrick's lips.

'So am I. Though it defeated the whole purpose of the weekend.' Patrick sighed.

'I thought you were staging an intervention for Agustin?' Kevin nuzzled Patrick's cheek with his nose. He loved his soft smooth skin. He could feel Patrick's smile with his face, but when he pulled his head back, he saw that it was a sad smile. His eyes roamed Patrick's face, trying to understand the change in mood.

'I was also trying to stage an intervention for myself. I was tying to wean myself off you, stop wanting to see you, trying to stop whatever it was we were doing at that point. I had thought if I could get away for a weekend I could just sort my head out and do...the right thing.' Patrick spoke quietly, almost as if the memory was painful, difficult.

Kevin dropped his forehead against Patrick's. His own feelings about that time in their relationship came rushing back. He remembered how he had known Patrick was pulling away, how he had tried to pin him down before that weekend, tried to get to see him, but that Patrick had avoided him, had become distant, withdrawn. And he had been frantic. He hadn't known what to do to keep him, and he'd known that he was nowhere near ready to let him go. Kevin had sensed something changed that weekend, because that very night against that redwood tree, their relationship had moved from fleeting fucks when the stars aligned, to a full fledged affair. And Kevin had been so fucking delighted.

'I knew you weren't happy with the way things were. And I knew that you had come to some sort of decision that night, because after that, you were different with me. It was like a light switched on and you were back to being the Patrick that I'd met at the beginning. So I guess I should be grateful to the hot guy?' Kevin mused. 

'No. You don't need to be grateful to him. I already knew by then that I couldn't get you out of my mind. I kept checking my phone all day for messages from you. Even if I had fooled myself that I could easily be with someone else, even if I could have fucked hot guy, just seeing you again would have made it start all over. I was fucking addicted.' 

'Until you weren't' Kevin couldn't help but say. 'Until that night at Esta Noche when you ended it with me.' 

Patrick nodded slowly.

'I didn't think you'd ever leave Jon. I really didn't. And by then it wasn't just casual anymore was it? And how I felt wasn't going to make any difference if you didn't leave Jon. It would only get worse, for me. I had to...walk away. I'm sorry.' and Patrick took Kevin in his arms and held him close while he pushed his face in Kevin's neck.

'You don't have to be sorry. You did the right thing, for you. The thing I couldn't do. I'm the one that's sorry.' Kevin whispered into his ear. 'But I'll make it up to you. I promise. From tomorrow on, it's just going to be you and me, and I'm going to make you so happy every fucking day.'

'I can't wait' Patrick murmured quietly before they fell silent, just standing there, holding each other.

'Actually...do I have to wait?' Patrick eventually asked.

'For what?'

'For you to make me happy. Do you think you could make a start on that now?'

Kevin laughed. However busy they were with furniture shopping, packing, sorting out moving companies, all that crap, the one thing that hadn't suffered was their fucking sex life. Definitely a little monster in the making. Kevin was almost beginning to feel old. Almost.

'What have you got in mind?' he asked Patrick, his body quickly adjusting to the idea that very soon some part of one of them was going to be in some part of the other. It was all delicious, all good, so he had no preference for tonight. Tomorrow, in their new place, he had plans. But tonight, it was all about Patrick.

'Nothing kinky. And it has to be quick because I have to finish packing my stuff before the moving van comes in the morning to pick it up, so...why don't we just see what happens?' Patrick replied, beginning to remove Kevin's clothes, smiling as he kissed his face.

Kevin walked Patrick backwards to the wall and pinned him there as he returned the kiss, letting it grow slowly from tender and loving to hot and desperate. This was the last time they were going to fuck in this bedroom. The last time Kevin would have to worry about roommates and thin walls. The last time before the rest of their lives started in their brand new apartment, and they could fuck on every surface, in every room, in as many ways and as many times as they wanted. This was the night before the biggest day of his fucking life. He would make sure this was a night to remember.

And it was. He drove Patrick mad, absolutely wild, out of his mind. He fucked him against the wall, then pushed him to his knees on the the floor and fucked him there, then pulled him up onto the bed and fucked him there too. Every surface of Patrick's room. And all the time, as he pushed into Patrick, as he sucked at his lips, at his nipples, at the skin of his neck, he told him over and over again of how he was going to do this in every room of their new home, how he was going to fuck him outside in their garden in the summer, fuck him over the railings of their balcony at night, fuck him on the kitchen counter, in their huge new bathtub, over the sink while Patrick had to look at himself in the mirror, and of course, against the huge windows while all the neighbors looked in. Patrick had protested at that. 

'That's my idea' he'd panted, barely able to speak. Kevin just smiled and kept fucking him. And at the end, as he came, he hadn't been able to carry on talking in full sentences, so he just whispered Patrick's name over and over, and Patrick's eyes had rolled back in his head and he had exploded.

.......

Waiting for Patrick this morning had been difficult. Kevin had left him sleeping to make sure he was on time for the delivery of the bed. The moving van had to stop by Patrick's first and would then make it's way over, and Patrick had arranged a last brunch with Agustin and Dom so they could say goodbye properly. Kevin should have just insisted he come over as soon as the van had left his place, but...he knew it was important to him to have this time alone with his friends. Still...it was fucking hard having to wait for him.

The boxes had all been delivered and he had nothing to do but make a start on the unpacking. He grinned as he opened the first of his boxes. There were his posters. Kevin Costner in the Field of Dreams. However tough he tried to be, however hard he had tried not to let sentiment affect him, this story always fucking got to him.  The idea of making peace with your parents, of finding some common ground, some resolution...it was powerful stuff. His own mum and dad were still alive so maybe he should actually do something with the lesson of the movie, but it was easier to live vicariously through Mr. Costner knowing it would all turn out alright, rather than have to live through the real thing himself. His dad was no John Kinsella. 

Kevin laughed as he took the poster out and looked around for the perfect spot to hang it. At least now he had a chore to do other than unpack, which he dreaded more than anything.

Finished with the poster, he took out his phone to check for messages from Patrick. Surely he couldn't be too much longer. He couldn't wait to share his first impressions of the place. The realtor was not joking when she had mentioned how many gay people lived in this building. Just on his trips through the corridors as he directed the moving guys he had seen more buffed, tanned, sculpted gay men than he usually saw at his gym in the mornings, and that included the moving men themselves! He wondered how many glory holes there were around here. Kevin smiled as brought up the Glorified app and waited for it to find his location. Jesus...San Francisco was a fucking crazy city. Who the hell was using all these holes these days, when you could just get your dick sucked by a stranger in any bar, in any gym, even from the comfort of your own home just by using Grindr for god's sake. Which reminded him...Kevin opened up his Grindr app and looked at the profiles popping up on his screen. Fucking unbelievable. He definitely recognized some of the people he had met in the lobby. He loved technology, but really...this was insane. He could pretty much know who was lurking about in this building at any point in time, because it was probably safe to say every gay man in this city had Grindr on their phone. Hysterical.

Fuck...that had wasted all of about five minutes. What was he supposed to do now? There wasn't even a chair to sit on yet, though he could go up to the roof garden...

Finally, he felt his phone vibrate. Yes! Patrick was going to be here in the next half hour. About fucking time. Kevin had picked up some basic groceries to stock their fridge, and some special exotic fruit so he could make Patrick a welcome home cocktail. Never too early to drink on moving in day. He dragged out his blender and started chopping up the fruit. Jesus, his hands were shaking. And yes, his pulse was racing. 

He was SO FUCKING EXCITED this was actually happening. They'd fricking made it. And very soon, he and Patrick would be fucking in their own bed, for the first time. Life really couldn't get any better.

Someone must have buzzed Patrick into the building, because Kevin heard him knocking at the door. 'Shave and a haircut' Patrick knocked. Kevin grinned as he knocked out the reply, 'Two bits'. And then there he was. Grinning from ear to ear, carrying his box of precious valuables, which probably included his magical glow stick.

'Get your cute ass in here Patrick Murray' Kevin laughed. 'Shoes off, this is a no footwear home, OK?' he instructed Patrick. 

And then 'Kiss me' he said, and their first kiss was so ordinary, like they were two old fuckers who'd been living together for years already. Kevin grinned even more as he went to pour a drink for Patrick. Who had almost immediately noticed the Field of Dreams poster. Apparently Patrick was not quite as enamored of the movie as Kevin, but they had time ahead of them to change that. Kevin would get him on board soon enough, just as he had managed to do with Blackadder. The man's taste in movies and tv shows just needed some more refinement. No fucking problem. 

Kevin brought Patrick his drink, and took a moment to just stand still, take a deep breath, and acknowledge this moment.

'To moving in, and moving on' Kevin toasted Patrick.

'To both those things' Patrick took a drink. 

'Oh god that's good' he said, but all the signs were there. He was breathing erratically, his eyes were wide, and his hands were tapping his thighs. He was a fucking nervous wreck. And there he went, on the move, not able to stand still for another second. Ok. He was anxious, and it was only to be expected. Kevin knew how to deal with this. It was a little earlier than he planned, but he was nothing if not flexible. First confront, then distract.

'Are you Ok?' he asked Patrick quietly, moving towards the window where Patrick stood, looking out. 

'What do you mean?' 

Ok, they could play it this way.

'Saying goodbye to Agustin and everything? I know it's a speedy step...' Kevin said.

'No, I'm good. This...it feels right. I was just telling the guys this morning....' Patrick seemed a little calmer.

'They think it's too fast' Kevin could just imagine.

'A little bit' Patrick confirmed. 'Yeah actually, kind of a lot. They probably think I'm crazy, but...' Patrick gave a little laugh

'Do you think you're crazy?' Kevin pushed. They had discussed this several times, but now that it was a reality he wanted Patrick to be able to say it again, out loud, to his face.

'No. Not even a little bit.' Patrick was so emphatic. So sure of himself. It was lovely to see.

And as Patrick spoke of how he was finally liberated, how he got to make up his own rules of how they got to live, how he no longer had anything to live up to but his own idea of how his life should be, Kevin felt a tinge of sadness, that it had taken his parent's marriage imploding to make him feel free of their expectations. But...if Kevin got to reap the benefits, then, he was not going to complain.

'...we get to make up our own...way' Patrick had ended, almost seeming a little surprised at how his life had turned out, at how he had found himself at age 30 finally believing he was in control of his own destiny.

'Well, I'm glad that I get to make it with you' Kevin added simply, then leaned in to kiss Patrick, avoiding his mouth at the last minute and pulling Patrick into the bedroom.

'Look at that view' he crowed, not able to contain his sheer glee at having reached his goals in life, at having escaped what had seemed like his unavoidable fate having been born to a drunk and a weakling, in a dump like Romford. 'I swear when I was a kid, I never thought in a million years I'd live somewhere like this. Above everyone. If those fuckers could see me now' he continued. But...no time to dwell on others. He was here, with Patrick, which was the best prize he could ever imagine receiving for all the hard work and grind he'd put in to outrun his past, and they were about to have their first fuck in their new home. 

God this man was gorgeous. Kevin started stripping. He wanted them naked as soon as possible.

'Wait, can people see in?' Patrick was laughing. Maybe, but Kevin could give a shit. He pushed Patrick back onto the bed.

Patrick was still laughing and still trying to protest, feebly.

'Wait, shouldn't we take the plastic cover off first?' 

Kevin climbed on top of him. Now he had Patrick exactly where he wanted him. No anxiety on his face, just laughter, a little shyness, and lust. Fucking excellent combination.

'Nah.' Kevin joked. 'It will be wiped clean this way'.

And then he fucking devoured Patrick's mouth. He pulled his head up, plunging his tongue in deep, trying to pull off his clothes. He wanted skin. He wanted heat. He wanted sex. Now...

...and with just a slight delay, a quick detour to answer the door to their persistent fucking neighbors, Kevin got what he wanted.

Falling back on the bed, face down, he gave Patrick his instructions.

'Now come on quick. 'Fuck me in the butt' time. Before someone else rings that fucking bell.'

And Kevin was happy to see that Patrick used this special 'fuck me in the butt' time well. With imagination, determination and thoroughness. His clever, talented Patrick fucking Murray.


	22. This Is The End

Kevin stood at his kitchen counter, staring at his phone. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be anywhere near this fucking space but...what if Patrick came back and didn't find him here?

He could text him. He obviously wasn't picking up his phone, but he must be reading his messages. So he could get the fuck out of here and wait for Patrick somewhere else, somewhere he didn't have to relive every fucking second of that hellish conversation. But where? Where the fuck would he go? He didn't have any friends anymore that weren't Patrick's friends. He didn't want to be with anyone except Patrick. 

Why the fuck wouldn't Patrick answer his phone? Where was he if he hadn't gone to Agustin's? Agustin hadn't heard from him, neither had Dom, so where the fuck was he? Just walking about the city? Maybe he just needed some fresh air, some time to calm down...but then why wouldn't he just answer his phone or leave a fucking message?

Kevin squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to ignore the obvious answers that were pounding in his brain. Patrick had left him. Not last night when Kevin had begged him not to, but sometime this morning while Kevin was sleeping. He wasn't coming back. He'd listened to everything Kevin had to say and decided that he didn't want to be with him after all. That he couldn't trust him. That he didn't love him...never had loved him...

But then...how could he have been so wrong? How could he have misread Patrick so completely? Except of course there were those times when he hadn't been at all sure how Patrick had felt about him, when he'd watched Patrick walk away or push him away, and had seen Patrick cut him out of his life so resolutely. Maybe that was the real Patrick, and the one of the past few weeks, the one where they couldn't be close enough, or spend enough time with each other...maybe that was the Patrick that was just trying to prove a point, trying to show he was mature enough to be in a relationship. 

'I just wanted to prove to myself, to my friends, my family, fuck to the whole world, that I was capable of being in one' Patrick had said after all their fighting last night. And it had made Kevin's blood run cold to hear him say that.

Could he have been so blind?

Fuck. He'd made so many stupid mistakes yesterday. He'd been clumsy, and aggressive and relentless, pushing when he should have backed off, when he should have just told Patrick that he was willing to be what Patrick wanted him to be, but in all the horrible things that had been said, it was Patrick that had dealt the worst fucking blows.

What did he mean that their hearts worked differently? What the fuck did that mean? That there were fundamental, essential differences he'd known all along but avoided. 

Kevin's eyes filled with tears that he squeezed back. Who did Patrick think Kevin was?

The hard, frightening truth was staring Kevin in the face but he didn't want to believe it because it meant everything he had hoped for, dreamt of, thought was within his reach was just...gone. And he couldn't fucking bear it. He was going to go out of his fucking mind if this was all over. 

Kevin dropped his head on his hands, on the counter. This was his fucking punishment. This was his payback. He had lied and cheated, he had destroyed the life of a good man, and now the man he loved looked at him like the liar and cheater he obviously believed him to be, and in his eyes there wasn't love, there was just mistrust, betrayal. And all because Kevin wanted to start this next part of his life, the part he was now sharing with the person he loved most in the world, with a promise to be honest. The fucking irony. And of course, because of that stupid Grindr app.

Now Kevin couldn't stop the tears, as much as he tried. He had begged Patrick. Begged Patrick to trust him, to believe in his love for him, to believe that what they had, what they had lived these past few weeks was proof that they were solid. That their relationship was working. Couldn't Patrick see that? Did he think it was easy to find someone that it was so effortless to be with? So easy to find someone that you had so many things to say to? And then also to be silent with? To sleep in the same fucking bed with night after night and still want to hold tightly and still want to just never stop fucking? Didn't he know that what they had was rare? Fucking precious? How could he walk away?

Because he always fucking did. Every time, Patrick walked away. The moment something happened that didn't fit the picture in his head, he just fucking quit and ran. He had never fought for Kevin. Because he didn't care enough? Because he was scared? Because he didn't think Kevin was worth it? Trustworthy? The man he wanted to grow old with?

Kevin's phone rang and within one second he had it on and pressed to his ear.

'Patrick?'

'No, sorry it's Agustin' he heard the voice on the other end. Jesus. His heart was pounding so fucking loud he needed to take some deep breaths to calm the fuck down.

'Listen, I tried Paddy but he's not answering me either, so I'm thinking maybe he left his phone there, and it's on silent so you can't hear it? Maybe he went for a jog or something and doesn't have it turned on? Or maybe it has no batteries...' Agustin trailed off.

'I don't think so, but thanks.' Kevin said, grateful for Agustin's attempts.

'Listen, he's going to turn up any minute. He mentioned something last night on the phone about something the two of you got into, so he's probably in some diner somewhere eating his poor little heart out. You know his spirals....' Agustin tried again.

'Yep. I do. Listen, I have to go.' Kevin needed to get off the phone. He was barely holding it together and he didn't want Agustin to witness his total fucking meltdown. 'Just call me if you hear from him, ok?' and then he hung up.

Of course Patrick would have mentioned something to Agustin last night on the phone. He'd called just as Kevin had thought the whole conversation about Grindr had been resolved, and Kevin had left Patrick alone for just two fucking minutes to take a piss, as Patrick had answered his phone. And in that time, Patrick had told Agustin enough that when Kevin called him frantically this morning to ask if he had heard from Patrick, he had NOT been particularly shocked or even surprised. 

Another fucking nail in the coffin of this relationship. But really, hadn't he known that's what would happen from the minute Patrick had demanded they leave that crazy party? He'd known something was wrong from the way he'd looked at Kevin as Kevin had walked up to where he was standing with Milo and Jake. No longer the giggling, fascinated, slightly panicked boy of a few minutes ago, as he'd been when they'd escaped to the bathroom together, wondering what kind of weird orgy they'd walked into. 

'What? What is it? What's happened?' Kevin followed him into the elevator, beginning to worry.

'Are you Romford'? Patrick asked him. 

Romford. His fucking profile name on Grindr. And Kevin had known. Though he wouldn't admit it to himself yet he'd fucking known this evening was going to explode in his face. But he'd deluded himself into believing he could salvage it. After all, this was just a stupid app that every gay man had on their phone. Surely Patrick would see how insignificant this was...eventually.

'Yeah, I can see what you're thinking right now, but please don't freak out about this' . 

'I'm not freaking out. I'm really not. It's just I'd love to know what's what, and what you're doing on a hook up site' Patrick replied. So so calmly. Unnaturally calmly. The sort of calm that could only come when he'd already made up his mind what to think and how to react. And that was the first moment when Kevin thought to himself that maybe Patrick was looking for a way out. And the second he'd had that thought, he had pushed it out of his mind because it was fucking preposterous.

So Patrick wanted to know why he'd been on Grindr that morning. And the problem was that if he felt he had to ask, then there wasn't much chance he would find the answer as obvious as it really was.  That it was just for fun. The building was full of gay couples as the broker had told them, and Kevin was just curious as to who these people were, and there just happened to be an app which could fucking tell him who was in the building, and so he fucking looked! He went on the app occasionally out of curiosity. Who the fuck didn't? It was a gay rite of passage for god's sake. He hadn't used it for an actual hook up in years, since before Jon. He didn't have a picture, or a profile, and his activity showed clearly he had no favorites. For fuck's sake...it was like porn. Just because you were in a relationship, it didn't mean you weren't curious or didn't want to have a look.

'Just tell me I didn't move in with a sex addict' Patrick had asked eventually, after all of Kevin's explanations and reassurances. And Kevin actually had to tell his boyfriend, the man he'd been living with for the past few weeks, that he was not a sex addict. That question in and of itself, the question Patrick had asked only semi-jokingly, should have put him on higher alert, but he was still in self-denial mode. He refused to think about where Patrick's mind would go to next, and yet, at the same time he wasn't remotely surprised.

Patrick had obviously not moved beyond the Grindr issue when Kevin had come out of the bathroom. He had questions he wanted to ask, and at the very first one, Kevin had had a simple choice. To lie, or to tell the truth.

'Ok, can I just ask this? I just want to know. When you were with Jon, did you hook up with other people?' Patrick asked simply.

In hindsight, should he have just told Patrick what he wanted to hear? That he had never hooked up with anyone else but Patrick during his relationship with Jon? That he had been strictly monogamous until carried away by the overwhelming passion Patrick had incited in him? No. Having the chance to do the conversation over, he still wouldn't lie. He couldn't, because he'd finally understood that what proved how much this relationship meant to him was that he wasn't willing to lie again. Ever. That he wanted Patrick to be able to trust that Kevin would always tell him the truth, the way he hadn't with Jon. 

So he had answered Patrick truthfully. That there had been other incidents, brief meaningless, nameless encounters. With the emphasis on meaningless. Small things.

But all Patrick could focus on, all he could obviously hear was that Kevin had cheated. Over and over again. And Kevin had started to feel anxious, which he knew was a very dangerous state for him to be in. Kevin and anxiety were a very unhealthy mix, except in the corporate boardrooms where his ramped up aggression served him well. He had to remember that Patrick needed careful handling, patience, and understanding. 

But that was so hard. Especially when he felt he was being attacked for something which was ultimately so trivial. For fuck's sake. A massage with a happy ending. Who hadn't had one of those? What the hell did it matter? But Patrick's reactions...he seemed so...disgusted, appalled. Kevin had felt himself losing his own calm. Patrick was hardly the innocent little choir boy himself, was he.

So feeling unfairly attacked, the first of the stupid things Kevin had said that evening just came blurting out.

'You're not Jon. This is not me and Jon, and you know what, to be honest, I'm actually really fucking happy I cheated on him.' Kevin could barely control his irritation.

'Why?' Patrick asked. Really? Could anyone be this obtuse?

'Because if I hadn't cheated on him, WE wouldn't be together.' Kevin spelled out bluntly. 

Kevin felt gratifyingly satisfied at the look of shock on Patrick's face, for all of a second. And then...he could have fucking kicked himself. So much for remaining in control of the situation. As Patrick turned to use the bathroom, Kevin could only watch him walk away, and wonder what the fuck he was doing.

Kevin should have done a better job of explaining that the things he had done with other people were trivial. He shouldn't have let Patrick walk away from the conversation without really understanding that with no emotional component, the things he had done felt no different to him than watching porn. Like jerking off to the thought of someone else other than your lover. And yes, the first time had felt wrong, but only because of what he worried it meant about his commitment to Jon. As soon as he'd realized those acts had no bearing on his emotional connection, he had almost wished he could just tell Jon so that he wouldn't have had to lie and keep secrets and feel shitty about doing that, but then...it had just been easier to avoid the difficult conversations. 

And he certainly shouldn't have brought their own affair into the mix. What had happened with Patrick was something completely different. He had known almost from the first moment that what Patrick represented really WAS a threat to what he had with Jon, because his whole being was drawn to Patrick, yearned to be with him. Patrick wasn't a tug in a steam room. Patrick was a soul-deep connection. No fucking comparison.

But where to go from here? This wasn't resolved, not by a long shot. Patrick had walked away from him obviously deeply disturbed, and now he was taking forever to come out of the bathroom. This was going to hang over their heads like a shadow if they didn't figure out what they both expected and how they both felt about this issue. Kevin knew that Patrick would be traditional, at least on the surface. But if their relationship had a chance for longevity, it would require an openness and honesty that neither of them was particularly used to. If Patrick found himself in a situation where he was aroused by another man, if he got carried away and gave in to physical pleasure, he didn't want Patrick freaking out, thinking this was the death knell for the two of them, that it was more significant and serious than it needed to be. He needed to be realistic and realize that stuff happened, and that as long as they talked about it, they could work it out. Kevin knew that a stranger's hand on a penis was far less of a threat to a relationship than emotional dishonesty. He could handle Patrick getting jerked off by a stranger in a steam room. But he wouldn't be able to handle Patrick preferring someone else's company to his, or finding someone else he could be more himself with. That would be fucking devastating.

When Patrick walked out of the bathroom, Kevin was waiting for him. Determined that this conversation needed to happen, and that the absolute best foundation for them was pure honesty, a simple straightforward conversation.

Patrick seemed so fucking relieved when Kevin had started talking about no lies, not hiding stuff, being different than how he'd been with Jon. Again, Kevin could have left it there, pretended to himself that they were on the same page, but he knew Patrick hadn't really understood the full scope of what he meant. 

'I wasn't expecting to have this conversation tonight...err, I wasn't, Ok....but...' he began. But this was going to be so fucking hard. He was going to have navigate Patrick's tricky thought processes, AND he was going to have to reign in his anxiety and impatience. He wanted Patrick to understand him, but he couldn't bully him into it. He had to find the right way to explain how he felt.

'But what?' Patrick prompted, his face betraying the first signs of his own simmering anxiety.

'But, I think it's important that we realize that people who really love each other, can define being faithful over the course of a relationship that lasts for years and years not necessarily in the very strictest sense of the word. And...that accepting and understanding that physical...stuff, small things... that sometimes happen with other people, doesn't undermine the feelings, the emotions between us, that if we can be honest with each other, really truly honest, Patrick, well, we could weather anything that happens, and we could just be the stronger for it.' Kevin had tried to explain.

Patrick had remained silent for a few moments, his face expressionless.

'Oh my god. Are you saying...are you telling me you want...an open relationship?' Patrick eventually spoke, and his voice betrayed the growing horror he was feeling.

Shit. 

'No.' Kevin tried to emphasize. 'I'm not talking about open relationships. I'm not talking about inviting other people into our lives, or sanctioning us having other emotional partners besides each other, I'm talking about acknowledging that when two people are together for a long time, things can happen, but these things don't have to damage the connection...'

'But you're talking about fucking other people. That it should be OK to fuck other people. You ARE talking about an open relationship' Patrick interrupted, barely able to look at Kevin. He turned and started walking out of the bedroom, leaving Kevin to follow behind him trying to explain again what he was trying to say.

'I'm NOT saying I want an open relationship. But it's a very grey area...'

'Oh my god. I don't think I like the sound of your grey area.' Patrick exclaimed, and from that point on, the conversation degenerated into Patrick obviously not listening, and Kevin becoming more frantic.

'Why are you so mad. It's a DISCUSSION' Kevin tried to stress. All he was trying to do was have them clarify how they felt, how they viewed this issue, come to some compromise. Be HONEST. Like adults in a relationship.

Patrick was so wound up though, and Kevin was finding it hard to know how to reach him. 

'It's a little bit of a shock to find out on the moving in day that you don't even want to TRY and be monogamous' Patrick had said, while searching for his shoes. Did he really think they were actually going to get to the stupid fundraiser tonight? Did he think this conversation was anywhere near over? 

'Ok, monogamy, Patrick, monogamy...why, why is that so important to you. Have you ever asked yourself why?' Kevin pressed. Physical monogamy was a concept that Kevin understood, but surely Patrick realized it wasn't nearly as important as emotional fidelity. And also, wasn't it more relevant only if there wasn't trust and belief in the other person's commitment. In a solid relationship, it just wasn't that big a deal.

'I don't know, I guess I always just felt like I wanted to be devoted to someone, and feel like someone is also devoted to me' Patrick explained.

Devotion? Like some medieval romance? He was trying to have an adult conversation about differentiating between what was essentially a meaningless physical response and the feelings of love and commitment they had for each other, and Patrick was spouting some romanticized vision of a disney fucking movie. Was he listening to anything that Kevin was saying?

'Right, well your own mother doesn't believe in monogamy, so...'

Fuck. That was a totally fucked up thing to say to Patrick. He was going to pay for that. Patrick might think his mother's actions had liberated him from the conventions of an uptight WASP upbringing, but deep down he was still hurting over the state of his parent's marriage. And Kevin had known it, and he had delivered the low blow. He was a fucking bastard when he felt cornered. 

'Oh wow,  really?' Patrick was disgusted. 

'Ok, I'm sorry' and he really was. He hadn't meant to hurt Patrick. Well, not for longer than the second it took him to say those words. He'd regretted it immediately, but the damage was done, and so it seemed, was Patrick.

No fucking way. He was actually walking out. Actually leaving in the middle of this crazy fight they had found themselves in. And now, Kevin thought to himself bitterly, he had literally BOTH feet out of the door. Had he ever intended to stay? Did he really even believe what he was saying or was it just his way to find a reason to go? Did he see any of the hypocrisy in his own actions?

Kevin followed Patrick down the corridor, determined to make Patrick admit that people, including Patrick, didn't always behave the way they knew they should, and that Kevin wasn't the low life scum that Patrick was making him feel like, with his judgment, his condemnation. This wasn't even about the future of their relationship now. This was about the fucking past. Who was the cheater, who was the liar, who was capable of doing what. Patrick was in some fucking la-la land of denial, making out that Kevin was a deviant, and that shit was just not fucking true. They'd both been in this together.

'Wasn't it you who called me up in the middle of the night when I was in bed with my boyfriend, to drive all the way out to the Russian River and fuck you against a redwood' Kevin reminded him, feeling his blood pounding in his ears.

'Again, that's different. I was single' Patrick emphasized. But Kevin hadn't been, and Patrick hadn't given a fuck about that the night he had called him up. He wanted what he wanted, and Jon be damned. But obviously that was too subtle a point for innocent little Patrick tonight.

'Oh, you were single, oh sorry. Yes, no you were...you were single' Kevin's sarcasm dripped poisonously. 'But wasn't it you who let me fuck you, whilst you were still with Richie, without a condom.' Kevin would like to see Patrick explain that one away. 

But he didn't even try.

'You cunt' he'd said, directly in Kevin's face as he elbowed him aside to get into the elevator. And Kevin's heart sank. Why the fuck was he attacking him? They were on the same fucking side weren't they? The side of their relationship surviving!

'Yeah, right I'm sorry. I'm just feeling very anxious right now' fucking understatement of the century. How the fuck did they get here? With Kevin suddenly the evil sexually depraved insatiable monster and Patrick the innocent naive angel. When did the conversation deteriorate to this?  He had to bring it back somehow, to the simple discussion about people not always being able to resist temptation. And about how they should be dealing with that.

But a part of Kevin was begging him to shut up, just tell Patrick he would be that devoted man he wanted. Because he was. He was fucking devoted. Why wouldn't he just let this go? Why did he have to push Patrick, with stupid fucking scenarios about hand jobs in gyms...

Did he really need Patrick to admit that he wasn't a saint? Wasn't immune to the same temptations other people felt? That he wasn't above getting his hands dirty? 

Well apparently, he did, because he continued pushing him. To the very fucking brink. And Patrick still kept trying to run away. He had stopped long enough to declare that even if he had the opportunity to be jerked off by Chris Pratt, he wouldn't do it. Did Patrick really believe that?

'That is bullshit' he told Patrick when Patrick had told him he would walk away from that scenario. But apparently Patrick believed he would walk away because, as he put it,

'I'm with you. Because I would put what I had with you over some quick thrill' Patrick insisted.

'It's just a hand job, just a hand on someone else's penis. It's not going to  change what we feel for each other or our lives together' Kevin tried once more to explain. It was the FEELINGS that were important. If Chris Pratt jerked Patrick off, he wouldn't feel nearly as threatened as if Patrick continued to pursue a friendship with Richie. Why the fuck wasn't that obvious?

Kevin continued chasing him into the garage, not letting him go, not letting him leave, but Patrick had obviously had enough. He was done with this conversation.

'Listen. All I can hear right now is that you want to fuck other people' he had cried out. And Kevin had stopped dead in his tracks. Why was that all he could hear? What about the part where he had said that NOTHING could change the way he felt about him. 

'And the reason you want to do that is that I'm not enough' 

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! Patrick and his fucking insecurities. Kevin had tried to tell him that he was enough, would always be enough, that it was nothing to do with not being enough! That he wasn't talking about finding anyone to replace him, or to come between them, or to be anywhere remotely near the place Patrick had in his heart. That that could never happen because Patrick WAS enough for him in every possible way that mattered.

He just didn't equate physical monogamy with devotion.

Still, Patrick was done even trying to listen. He had more to say, and it was all fucking devastating.

'All I know is right now I can and I want to make the choice to not fuck other people, and you can't or won't or don't even want to try so where does that put us?' 

Kevin hadn't said that. He had not said he wouldn't. He'd just tried to explain why he that wasn't even a choice that he considered important. That's why they were having a conversation. So all these things could be worked out...

So why didn't he just say it now? Why did he feel this need to continue to justify his point of view? Even Patrick had admitted that he couldn't know the future and that anything could happen. Wasn't that enough of a concession? What the fuck was wrong with him that he'd pushed and pushed? Because he wanted Patrick to not consider him an immoral bastard? Because he wanted Patrick to believe that not valuing monogamy didn't make him wrong or evil? Or because he needed to test Patrick's commitment? To see if he'd stay and fight? Fight for Kevin, for them, like he never had before. Because he needed to know that Patrick wasn't looking for a way out?

Well, whatever had driven him so relentlessly, he was fucked. Because here, now, on the moving in day, they were standing in the garage of their building, and Patrick was fucking crying. Fucking heartbroken. And still not finished with what he had to say.

'And the thing is now the fucking cat is out of the bag, so every time you go to the gym, or get a massage, or go get a fucking bagel I'm going to wonder what you're doing, ok?  And you're such a good liar Kevin. I've seen you do it.'

There it was. Well done. That's how he had just fucked himself. In wanting to prove he was honest and could always be trusted to tell the truth, he had pushed Patrick to admit that he would now forever doubt him. Kevin had been a liar, and therefore always could be. Simple as that. 

And Kevin had finally let it go. He had said everything he could have, and probably a lot more than he should have. There were no winners in this. At this point he didn't even know what winning would even look like. 

Patrick could choose to interpret this whole conversation as proof that they were ultimately incompatible, or he could choose to let this conversation prove to him that they could communicate about anything, always, and their relationship would only be stronger for it. 

Kevin had no idea which way Patrick would go, because now, after this evening, he really didn't know if Patrick wanted to be with him or not. How fucking tragic was that?

'What the fuck is this fight about?' he shouted at Patrick, at the end of his tether. He couldn't fight for them against Patrick. They both had to want this to work. Did Patrick? 

'What is this fight about? Is this a fight to break us up or to keep us together? ' he continued, desperate now as he felt Patrick slipping away.

Patrick kept walking away, as always, and Kevin followed, as always.

'Do you actually want to be with me because it feels like you're looking for an escape. I mean literally, above your head is a sign that says exit.'

No more bullshit. This was Patrick's fucking decision time. He couldn't take this uncertainty anymore.

'Please, what are you doing? Don't sabotage this before we've even had a chance. I've upturned my life for you. I want us to be together, if it's possible, until we're two old miserable cunts sitting on a porch. But if you don't want that Patrick, if you don't want that, then you should just go Patrick...and go, right now.'

Last night, when Kevin had said that, Patrick had stayed. He had fucking stayed. And Kevin had felt a glimmer of hope that maybe he hadn't pushed too far. They could work through this shit now that he knew Patrick wanted them to. For fuck's sake, they loved each other. They were so compatible, so effortless together that the thought of compromise hadn't even really come up before. But now here it was, the point where they diverged and something had to give to get them back on the same track. And that something was going to be Kevin.

The conversation had continued, finally out of that fucking basement, up on their roof top where they could both breathe again, but Kevin was pretty much talked out and it was now Patrick's turn to be 'honest'. Kevin wondered whether he should advise him not to bother, because honesty had not had the effect he'd wanted. Patrick didn't appreciate him for his honesty. He trusted him less now than before the conversation had started.

Patrick had likened them to the sleep number mattress. Two very different numbers, two very different people. Really? Foolish Kevin had believed they were so similar in so many ways. Even so, wasn't that the point of the mattress? That two people with different views could sleep comfortably on the same bed? But when Patrick had seemed so heartbroken at the thought of having to compromise on this, Kevin hadn't even hesitated. He would change. He could. He would, for Patrick, because that's what people who wanted to stay in relationships did. And because the alternative, losing Patrick, was unthinkable. 

Yet even as he told Patrick that he could change, even as he begged him to stay, to trust him, as he tried to persuade him this was working, he could still hear the words that had scared him more than anything.

'I feel like maybe your heart works one way and mine works the other' Patrick had said, mournfully.

'No, I don't believe that. I don't believe that' Kevin had wanted to make him take those words back, his eyes filling with tears. He wasn't so different. His heart wasn't a lying cheating useless thing. It wasn't. His heart worked and loved the same as Patrick's. All he'd wanted was the chance to prove it by vowing never to lie. 

But Patrick still wasn't finished.

'and what makes it really fucking sad and frustrating is that deep down I've always known that and I've just ignored it because I just wanted this so much. I wanted to be in love and be in a relationship and prove to myself, and my friends, and my family, and fuck to prove to the entire world that I was actually capable of being in one.'

No. He didn't believe that either. He couldn't. He wouldn't believe that the past few weeks had just been about Patrick playing at being a grown up. Experimenting at being in love. That was not fucking possible.

But Patrick had chosen to stay again, a second time, this time in their bed, so surely that meant he didn't really believe those things he'd said either. Surely it meant he had said them just in the depths of despair. The way Kevin had pushed for longer than he should have out of his anxiety. Because if he did mean them, and Patrick really had ignored and suppressed doubts about Kevin and about them being able to be together, just in the hopes of proving that he was now a fully functioning adult, if Patrick really had just been using him to prove a point...where did that leave Kevin's heart?

Kevin had to believe that Patrick's staying meant none of those things he'd said really represented how he felt. Kevin finally fell asleep, exhausted, with Patrick's words replaying in his head, as he tried to find different meaning for them, meanings that wouldn't leave him blooded and bruised. 

So...the fact that Patrick was no longer here this morning...that he had left no message, was unreachable, what did THAT mean?

Kevin heard the key turning in the lock, and his heart started racing. Patrick was back. Fuck. He was back. Thank christ he was back...This time Patrick hadn't run away. This time Patrick was walking towards Kevin, not away from him...

Patrick walked in.

Fuck. 

So, how had they got here, to this point, from where they'd started, as two strangers on a boat, who'd caught each other's eye? Well, it was a long fucking story, but it looked like he finally knew the end.


End file.
